Tag Archives: Unconditional Love

A Journey Begins…

It has been over 2 months since I’ve posted anything. After my last post in April, I started cutting back on my therapy. I have been going twice a week for about 3yrs; on difficult weeks, even more. The idea, of course, was mine; my therapist was hesitant at first. However, we spent a great deal of time talking through how it would work, feel, and explaining to everyone on the inside. I plan to share that at a later time…

I decided to only tell my husband because I wanted to wait and see how the changes would affect me or if I was ready. The perfectionistic part of me didn’t want to feel like a failure, which was another reason. And really, it was between me, my husband and my therapist.

By the end of May, lots of unfortunate events were taking place in my life. It was like déjà vu: “already seen”; when it occurs, it seems to spark our memory of a place we have already been, a person we have already seen, or an act we’ve already done. It is a signal to pay special attention to what is taking place, perhaps to receive a specific lesson in a certain area or complete what is not yet finished.  There is no way of predicting where each might lead or what it will teach you.  

I asked God to show me why this was happening again and to give me the strength and courage to walk with integrity and faith. Trusting Him was the only thing that made sense, so I did! Walking away from toxic people is what I’ve been learning to do for the last 6 years in therapy.

By this time, I had stopped going to therapy all together. I was excited about the chance to use all the things God had shown me and what I’ve learned in therapy. I knew how to take care of each part of me; we had all worked extremely hard, but it was strange for everyone. There were days when I questioned the decision to stop going, other days I was thrilled to know I would be okay and I could nurture all the parts of me. It was encouraging to know that I had the ability to walk in this new found freedom and do the things I’ve been learning.

It wasn’t always easy, especially during this particular event. Some days it felt like a test, too difficult to figure out and other days, it was very sad.

The most important thing I learned for myself and my community is: What God knows about me is more important than what anyone says or thinks about me. I’ve spent too long allowing abusive people to hurt me; I’ve spent hundreds of hours in therapy learning, growing and healing; I’ve allowed God to transform and bring healing to my life; I’ve learned about His unconditional love and watched Him bless my husband and sons in amazing ways; He showed us how to love, care and support one another.

52001988326__64253D60-7953-47EF-94F9-090452723AD2 copy

I wanted this to be an encouragement to anyone who would read this. We all have been wounded and hurt; some more than others, but we share a common bond on this site. We support and encourage each other. We are strangers, but we feel like friends. We would never consider saying or doing anything that would harm another person on here, right?? I cannot even imagine it happening. It’s a safe place with others who are finding healing and transformation!

I believe people hurt other people because they are, in fact, unhealthy. I am NOT perfect by any means, but I certainly cannot imagine saying and doing things to intentionally hurt people I care about. I know, all too well, what that is like…and just because I have a mental illness, does NOT mean I am an easy target. None of us should ever allow another  person the power to harm us or take on their shame, guilt and blame. Be the person God created you to be, not what others say about you!

So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. God always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.            Hebrews 10:24-25

Advertisements

Mother’s Day: The Love/Hate Relationship

Mother’s Day is often a painful time. For those of us with DID, abuse, PTSD, etc., this day can be a love/hate relationship with the survivor.  I love it because I have two incredible sons; young men who I love and cherish deeply.  I would fight for them, no matter what! As a survivor with dissociative identity disorder, mom issues are complicated and difficult to sort out or make sense of. These issues are multi-layered and uncomfortable.

For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the father, sadistic family members, babysitters, or other predators.  Whatever the reason, these mother’s were not there for their child; maybe they were the ones doing the abusing. So whatever the case my be, the issues around our mom’s create so many mixed feelings as this day approaches.

My story, with my mom, is she was too blind or too lost in her own denial or self, to be willing and/or able to protect me from abuse.  At that point she became irresponsible for her role in not protecting me.  She was in our home, and could have been instrumental in helping to protect me. However, out of her own fear or denial, she refused to look, to protect, or help.  Maybe she let her own fear overcome her and her willingness to save me. Or maybe, she just simply didn’t care, or thought I deserved it somehow. It wouldn’t surprise me if she acted as an accomplice….fear or not!

So every Mother’s Day, it is difficult for me (and I’m sure you other’s as well) who grew up with a mom like that.  It hurts.  No matter how much it hurts, at times I just want my mom. It’s confusing. The things I desired from her was never given to me, and it’s like a knife through my already broken heart. The anguish of wanting my mom to do something, anything to save me from this horrendous, scary environment, leaves a void deep within me. It is almost sickening to believe she would choose herself over her child’s safety and well-being.

The aftermath of such events in a child’s life do not heal quickly or easily. This gut-wrenching pain is felt for years, because it is wrong!  It is shameful, disgraceful, and pathetic….this is NOT what a mother does-EVER!

I didn’t have a role model that I could follow as a mom, but I was NOT going to make the same mistakes with my own boys!  I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, trust me, but none like what I have described above.  God, is His goodness, grace and mercy, helped me to do what I never learned to do from watching my mom. He could only have given me the strength to love unconditionally, support, care, fight for, protect, and provide a safe place for my children.  I am truly, eternally grateful for His grace and kindness.

Although it is going to be a day with joy and sadness; I know that God has given me women in my life to look up to, to seek when I need help. These women are mentors, godly women who remind me that God provides EVERYTHING I could possible need. Women who I can call without hearing criticism or judgment. Women who are safe, who will laugh or cry with me. I feel blessed to have these women in place of the one person who could never do any of those things. Thank you God!

tumblr_o1itx08EhB1to5uq4o1_500

 

 

Hit a brick wall

Today feels like a continuation of the previous ones…banging my head against the brick wall, and getting nowhere.  Why are these things happening?  What can I do to help those on the inside feel better?  Am I kidding myself by thinking, any of this is going to get better?  Why?  When?  What for?  This cannot be what God has intended for my life, is it?

My binging and purging is becoming out of control.  I’m not even sure what happened.  And I’m not even sure how to get a handle on it all. I have come a long way, as far as being in recovery, only to have it hit a level of acceleration.  Emotionally it is exhausting, but physically, it has become extremely difficult.  I am abusing my body, and honestly, it scares me!

cc4c11a235beea6315297d9821817666

I know that it scares my family, because like me, they don’t know how to help.  The idea that I may be found lying face down, on the floor, in the middle of the night, is troublesome for everyone.  It feels like going from one addiction to another, but I don’t know why. Well, I do, there is a part of me that simple needs to numb her emotions. But, after 3 years of therapy, you would think I could figure out why things happen, what the triggers are, and how to stop the addictive behaviors.

I have decided to take something to curb my appetite, in the attempt that I will not binge.  Not sure it’s the best solution, but for now, I believe it’s the best choice. Her words constantly ring in my ears, “I don’t want to feel.”

*********

Took a break from writing yesterday.  As I was putting thoughts together, my therapist called to see how things were going.  She leaves today, and I won’t see her until January 5th.  Now, I am back, to finish up this blog post that has taken me 3 days to finish!  My phone call went something like this…

Therapist:  “How are you doing?”

Me:  “Gooooood, I’m fine, I guess.”

Therapist:  ” I wanted to touch-base with you before I left, and to make sure (insider) was doing ok or if she needed to talk.”

Me:  “Ya, I doubt she will talk on the phone.  I can’t get her to journal or talk to me.”

I proceed to tell my therapist all the things that have been going on since we last met.  She has lots of questions , which I can’t answer, and she’s not really surprised by the behaviors either. Shocker!!

Me:  “This all feels very overwhelming and frustrating, because I don’t know what to do, or say, to help her.”

Therapist:  “Do you think she is listening to our conversation right now?”

I’m thinking…really?? Of course she is listening!  I’m pacing the office, standing up, sitting down, feel somewhat agitated, and I want to hang up on you.

Me:  “I feel like she is; I’m having a hard time sitting still.”

At this point, my therapist, begins to  speak to her indirectly, using her name, saying she would be willing to listen, if (insider) would like to talk, she knows it helped (insider) in the past, and she hates to see her in so much pain, etc.  A few minutes later, (Insider) arrives…

Insider:  “I don’t want to talk about this, okay?”

Therapist:  “I know you don’t, but it would be very helpful.  We would know how to help you, and you would feel better.”

Insider:  “It isn’t going away, what’s the point.”

Therapist:  “The pain?  Yes, it will, go away.  Pain is temporary, we all need to feel it, before we can get past it.  It’s not going to go away by doing the harmful things to your body. And if you continue to do harmful behaviors to cover it up, you will not only hurt yourself, but everyone else too.”

….deep sigh….

Insider:  “But, I don’t like how it feels.  I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want it to go away.”

Therapist:  “I know you do, but you’re going to have to talk to me about it, eventually.  You know the voices are gone, and are never coming back.”

Insider:  “How do you know, for sure? He said he was never leaving!”

Therapist:  “I do know for sure, and he will never, ever be back.  He can’t hurt you anymore.  It probably feels weird not hearing him, right?”

Insider:  “Ya, I don’t know what to do.  It seems so strange.  Are you sure he is gone?”

Therapist:  “Yes, I am positive.  God took care of it, for good.  You can trust Him!  Now, how can I help you see that?”

Insider:  “I don’t need any help.  There isn’t anything, anyone, can do for me.”

Therapist:  “Yes, God wants to help you, I want to help you, and so does (Me).  We all love and care about you!”

This went on for awhile, but the bottom line is; I could feel a change happening on the inside, with her.  She let her defenses down, heard how much she is loved, not only by us, but from God.  And He will NEVER leave, abandon, or hurt her!  We still have several things to talk about/through, when my therapist comes back.  However, for now, she is in a much better place.

I’m truly blessed to be counseled by a godly woman, who walks with the Lord, shares His love with those she meets, and allows Him to use her, as she helps others. She has a true spirit of humility, and gives all the glory to God!  She has led and mentored the parts of me to a relationship with Jesus, and prays for us everyday!  What a blessing!  God is Good- He has made all the difference.  He is healing me.  He is making me whole!  And, He loves me!

Yes, Jesus love me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

The bible tells me so!

1d45aa6e71add65b45b99edacddff386