Tag Archives: Trauma

Answers, Sadness, Migraine, Hope

27613-dont-worry-god-control-800x600I was able to work through some of the difficult emotions I shared in my last post. Pushing through and allowing myself to feel each one was difficult, yet necessary.  It was okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and even cry about what was happening.  The challenging piece was to share it with those people in my life that I had attached to those feelings.  I managed well, and we are stronger because of it all.

My teenage part was able to share her secret with me.  I must say, I didn’t handle it well.  It wasn’t that I was angry at her for what she did, I felt responsible that she had to, once again, protect me from “life”.  It made me sad for her, and I desperately wanted to take that pain away.  Of course, I blame myself, because ultimately it’s my life that I can’t handle. Hence the vicious cycle of having DID…thankful for the parts of me, feel responsible for what they endured, grateful that they protected me, sad they had to suffer horrific events…

Another thing I didn’t handle well was I walked out of my therapy session with 30 minutes left…which was not my finest hour for sure.  My therapist had shared ahead of time what my teenager had to tell with me was not “that bad”.  So, when she finished telling me what she had done, I was shocked, and completely taken by surprise.  I sat there for a minute or two and thought, what am I going to say? My therapist didn’t think it was a big deal, and I am devastated by this news!  I got up, paid her, and said I was leaving.

I spent 30 minutes walking around, unsure of what to do, say, think, etc.  I cried nonstop, wanted to numb, dissociate, anything to make it go away. I made it back to my car and went to work.  By 7:30 that night, I was nauseated and headed for bed. Shame swirled and engulfed the insides of me for failing to deal with issues, and causing  parts of me to suffer once again.  It seemed to consume every fiber of my being; it was all I thought about as I lay awake all night.

When I got to work yesterday, the migraine began to set in fairly quickly.  I knew it was my teenager struggling, probably with my reaction to her news.  Even though I reassured her, it was not her fault, no blame, she did what she felt needed to be done and I wasn’t upset or angry with her at all.  It’s hard to understand, I’m sure from her perspective, that I would need time to process and “feel” this new information.  She wants me to be okay, happy, and not the cause of my grief.  I understand, but I still have to “feel” the feelings, or it will cause much more pain down the road.

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I know she is struggling with wanting to drink and cut right now, because I can feel it.  It is hard to explain how, exactly, but I can feel it inside.  I am encouraging her to share and open up as much as she can.  She does message our therapist, which is good for her right now.  Grateful that she can do that, and it is acceptable with my T. She sent some messages this morning, and that is encouraging to me.  Isolation is never the answer for anyone of us, even though it is awfully tempting.

While I was getting ready this morning, I heard a song on Air1, called Flawless, by MeryMe.  I immediately pulled it up on my computer and watched the lyric video (which I am attaching to this post).  God’s timing, perfect, as usual. I played it for her and said that this is how God and me feel about you!  We love you so deeply, and want you to be strong!

Today, we are stepping out in faith, believing things are changing, and having hope for new beginnings and for things we can’t even ask or dare imagine!

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Click below for video

Flawless

 

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Being present, ugh!

Learning to ‘be present’ when it is easier to default to your dissociation, sometimes sucks!  When I began to own my own anger and frustration, it felt very strange, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions.  It was effortless to let my part take the anger, while I dissociated. When it was felt by me, I usually found something to “DO”, because I could fix, clean, or sweep something into perfection.  Then I wouldn’t have to feel. Now that I’m making progress in those areas, it still feels wrong or bad to have anger.

When anger arises, being present in it makes me feel bad, then guilty because I’m angry or shameful, or that maybe this whole thing is my fault.  I am ultimately responsible for what happens, right??  Well those were lies I told myself, and I need to sit and be present with these feelings.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, right?  Well, in my last post I shared that I wasn’t present for the session, and the information I received seemed inaccurate for the time I was there.  My suspicions were correct. I was having some agitation yesterday and couldn’t figure it out.  I was supposed to go the church this morning, where I used to work.  They were celebrating being in a new building, and I thought I could go back.  I haven’t been able to since I left, but I wanted to support them.  As the day went on, I become more and more irritated.

I sent a text to my T and asked if this seemed odd or what I should do.  She thought it could be my teenager, and I should ask her if she had a problem with going.  We have had these issues before, and I would tell the particular part to stay in there room.  They would not have to go or be apart of something they didn’t feel comfortable with.  My T kept wanting me to talk to her, but of course she wouldn’t engage with me.  Anyway, we sent some texts back and forth, and finally she responded with this:  “Ok. She still has things to share with you when she’s ready.”  At first I didn’t really get it, but then I read it again.  My response back was, “Oh, you know?” She texted back, “Yes.”

My immediate response was, “What the heck, really?” why wouldn’t she tell me?  Why didn’t my teenager tell me?  Then that feeling of betrayal set in quickly.  I’m the client, I should know what is happening with me, right?  Then all the confusion sets in- my teenager is a part of me, I am actually keeping a secret from myself, what is the reason for not telling me?  What is she hiding?

In the past, this kind of  thing would make me spiral quickly, I’d start that “stinkin’ thinkin'” cancel my next session, consider quitting therapy altogether, and letting my anger be projected onto my T.  I have learned more now and understand, that in order for my parts to open up and share their trauma and abuse, they need to trust my T.  They need to feel safe in talking to her, know that she cares and believes them, and that if they can’t share the things they have protected me from yet, she will help them.  I know my T has my best interest at heart, and that all this is a process. I may not always like it, but I trust her in helping them grow and trust me.

I feel anger, but it’s okay to be angry.  My anger is okay, I won’t feel this way forever. I want to know what is going on, but it doesn’t always work out when I say or when I want it too.  This is where I have to trust God’s timing, and pray that she will feel safe enough to tell me what is going on with her.  My T will help her and that makes me feel much better. We’ve been through this before, we made it, and we can do it again!

 

Whew, long sessions wear me out!

Friday therapy is my long one, and today I was literally “gone” for 2hrs and 45min.  My teenager, who has been gone, did all the talking.  There was 15min. left when I “came back” to present.  It is wearisome work. I was exhausted, had one of those emotional headaches, and wanted to sleep. I heard about half of what was said, I think.  The information I did get, I’m pretty sure was not over 2 hrs. worth, hmmm….”Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!”

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Anyway, all humor aside, it was good and very productive.  She is my part that engages in multiple addictive/harmful behaviors.  She has made me aware of her alcohol and cigs stash, showed me what she uses to cut, and we talked about the bulimia.  I can’t imagine trying to stop all that at once, so it will require patience and grace, lots of grace.  I believe in her 100%, she is a fighter, and we are going to do it together.

My therapist (D) spent a significant amount of time with her on the topic support. Learning to depend on others, letting her people know when she is struggling, communicating with me, journaling, and that she could always text D, if needed.  It isn’t different than any other ‘outside person’, we all need accountability and support.  We need love not judgment, care not criticism, encouragement not put-downs.

My husband has been a strong support for me and has been there for “his girls”, as he calls them.  He can hug and rock them when they need, where I can’t wrap my arms around myself, like I want to be held.  I am truly blessed by his unconditional love for all of us!

Looking forward to progress, even if it is slow, or stalled at times.  One day at a time; and we can always hit “Restart” at any moment.

“Search and Rescue”

Friday therapy was not what I had planned or expected, but generally, therapy never goes as I have planned.  One of the many things I love about my therapist is that we don’t always go with the obvious.  God always directs the sessions, she follows that lead, and it is always the best thing…even though it seems unexpected.  Don’t get me wrong, most times she has a plan, but we trust when God shows her/us a different path.

We thought we would discuss the harmful behaviors that my teenage part, Kat has been exhibiting.  The drinking, smoking and cutting seem to be at the forefront.  The bulimia isn’t as bad right now, and I’m so thankful.  I usually feel the after affects of the drinking and smoking.  I don’t know when it happens, I’m usually nauseated  and have a headache. It’s still so strange to me that this happens, and I’m unaware. I hope she can find ways to cope other than doing these things.

Friday, however, was dominated by another teenage part, I’ll call B.  She is our system protector, bad ass, leader, and very direct. She hates to “talk” about her abuse, and the part she played in protecting me from an abusive relationship I had in and out of college. She works well with D (my therapist), they have mutual respect for each other, and a unique friendship. D depends on B to fill her in if my community is struggling on the inside.  She is loyal and honest, but won’t say things that aren’t “her place” to say.

She and I have been experiencing some pain (body memories) because of an upcoming anniversary date of abuse.  I hate that these are difficult times of the year for my parts.  I know as we go through therapy and as the years pass, they will be easier.  Although this memory was discussed prior to Friday, it was a place B was stuck.  She told D that God promised to provide a way out, when we experience difficulty.  D said that He also said we must go through things to get to the other side of the healing.

As she shared about the memory, we realized that she literally felt stuck there, and felt as though she couldn’t get out.  D has done, what I call, “search and rescue” with my younger parts.  When they have shared their stories of abuse, they always feel like it is still happening in real time.  D always reminds them, they are not there, and are safe.  Several times as they share, she tells them she is coming to get them out, to take her hand, and they will never return again.  It’s an amazing thing to listen and be a part of, I don’t always get to “participate” though.  When I do, it is difficult for me to hear, because really, that was me.  I learn to have compassion for them and then for myself later on.

Anyway, Friday turned into sharing a painful memory, horrific events of abuse, and needing to be rescued from that event. D came in, searched for B, and she walked her “through the house to find her”, when D got there, she had words for my abuser, put her arm around B, and rescued her from that stuck place.  She tried so hard to be strong and tough, like usual, but it was too much to endure.  Here is where I feel like having a therapist that gets what needs to happen, is so important with DID. She isn’t afraid to get on the floor, or sit beside, sing a song, pray, swear, hug, color, hold onto, or whatever it takes and then model healthy relationships, not only for me, but my parts.

Of course, who doesn’t want their mom in times like this…but that isn’t possible for me.  I grieve it many, many times.  I know it is something I will never have, and it pisses me off, but God does provide other’s in my life to nurture, support and love me.  My amazing husband, sons, my 3 closest friends and even my therapist. It is all learning healthy attachments.  Not easy in the beginning to trust someone with all this, but I am blessed to have D modeling what it should have looked like and how I can become healthy in that area.

Some day when this therapy thing is over…I would love to have coffee with D and talk about life events, she is so wise, kind, spirit-filled and fun. That isn’t going to happen now, but maybe someday.  I’m 46 years old, I wish I had things I don’t, can’t, and won’t, but I can have others in my life, that God has so graciously given me instead.  I know many with DID, PTSD or trauma related issues have unhealthy attachments with their therapist.  I’m thankful that I don’t have that, I’m sure in the beginning it was a normal feeling.  I read some research that said 98% of those of us without a nurturing, loving, and caring parent, find ourselves struggling with these attachment issues with our therapist. Especially if she is female and we didn’t have a mother figure. D has set healthy boundaries for a working therapeutic relationship, she has encouraged friendships with my parts, and has helped me be a mother figure to them. I’m not good at it but she models how healthy relationships look and work.

The plain and simple truth is, only God, and Him alone, can and will fill the painful hole that is left by a missing parent, in my case, my mom.  He provides for us, if we ask, and He will give us immeasurably more than we could ever ask or dare imagine.  He did it for me, and He can do it for you!

My therapy ended with a nap in the vacant office, and a major cry.  Both were needed and necessary.  And today, I feel like we had a huge step forward, a win for the team, and peace.

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Tears have ended…finally!

It had been 5 straight days of crying and sadness over heavy memories of sexual abuse at the hands of my parent.  Sometimes it shocks me all over again, and I swirl within to make sense of anything.  Why?  wHy? whY?  Probably never going to get the answer I long for and desperately desire to have.

The harmful behaviors continue to surface, as Kat strives to find those same answers.  I get as a teenager, feelings seem too much to handle, but I really am too old for this. 🙂  The nausea from smoking, drinking, cutting, binging/purging, lack of sleep, migraines….I am ready for things to change.  At the same time, I realize she isn’t going to stop all these behaviors cold turkey.

Then I’m reminded to continue to show grace, love, patience, and perseverance throughout this enormous process, called DID. My therapist repeatedly compliments my patience with this, but some days I feel like I’ve failed myself and all the parts of me.  I know they see me struggle more than ever, see me cry for the first time, and yet they continue to extend grace.  What a blessing and example to follow.  God is genuinely creative, loving, and oh, so, kind as He has made this all available to those of us who endured horrific abuse.  What a precious gift!

I will celebrate dry eyes today…you never know when that will change.  Please know, that I know, crying is good, healthy, and healing.  Sometimes it is the ONLY way we can communicate the pain and suffering or blessings and joy!  Someday, as the scripture says in Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

 

Friday Therapy

Yesterday was a long session, I was preparing mentally for it all week. I had shared in my previous post about the body memories and how it was affecting us all.  This was what we worked on yesterday.  I knew I needed to be present as Kat shared her trauma,  to hear it, understand it, and love her through it.  She shared hard things, painful memories, and I am so proud of her, she is so brave!

What I’ve learned about myself in all of this, is that each part of me has a story to share, whether it be trauma, abuse, neglect, or anything thing else.  They came for a specific purpose- to help me, and keep me protected.  They need to feel safe, believed and know I’m going to be okay before they share anything.

This process takes a long time, but can take even longer unless you have a therapist who understands, knows what they are doing with DID, and cares about you and your inside parts.  I will say, it is difficult to find someone qualified enough to walk you through the journey, but when you find them….do the work it takes, you are worth being whole and healed!

We made it through the session, crying, wrapped up in a blanket and curled up on the couch…there seems to be comfort in being wrapped in a blanket.  My inner circle of support have started calling it the “Blanket of Vulnerability”.  I am not a fan of vulnerability or sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions, because at a young age- it wasn’t allowed.  I am learning to do it now, it’s painful at times, but oh, so necesssary for healing.

None of this is easy.  No one said it would be. It’s painful and grueling at times. I hate that. I am embracing it. I do my best. I keep fighting.  I stumble and fall.  I get back up.  I hit the restart button.  I know God is with me.  He has gone before me.  He gives me strength. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And I am going to be okay, even good!

My hope is in the Lord….my hope of finding healing and wholeness can only come through Him.  I love these quotes from the movie Shawshank Redemption, I know that seems weird, but they have encouraged me many times.

 

 

Body Memories***

***I want to say upfront that this may be triggering, so please read with caution or not at all! I am trying to come to terms with automatic body responses that are coming up in my recent awareness of another part’s sexual abuse experience.***

When I first learned about my diagnosis, I had no idea the complexity that would be involved in having Dissociative Identity Disorder, or the pieces that would need put back together.  I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster for the past 3 yrs., but also on the fast track to healing and wholeness.

Sure, there are days that really knock me back or even out for a short time.  If you’ve read any of my post’s you would quickly agree that things change suddenly in my world.  However, there is this piece of body memories/automatic body responses or what some call, unwanted sexual arousal, feelings or stimulation with sexual abuse.  All of which make me want to vomit when I hear those words!

I haven’t been able to address this in therapy, because simply put, it is too shameful.  How can I say, out loud, that I can feel those reactions happening when I’m having nightmares, flashbacks, or even worse, when I’m trying to talk about the experience??

It feels BAD, WRONG, SHAMEFUL, DISGUSTING…what is wrong with me that I would even feel that.  I didn’t like it, I’m sure!  The parts that have experienced this have hated it, hated sharing about it, and I don’t want to deal with it either.

I’ve been reading about this topic, trying to find some way to reconcile it in my head.  I need to support the parts affected, care and love them through it, and myself.  But how? Here are some things I’ve been reading:

“Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can’t go any further with it. They’re stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory.”

“Some survivors are terrified to tell any one including their therapist that when they remember and talk about sexual abuse they feel sexual feelings in their body just as they feel other feelings and body sensations. They are afraid of being viewed as sexually inappropriate, attracted to the therapist or friend, or turned on by sexual abuse i.e. a perpetrator.”

“No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse.  You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, it’s still true. It doesn’t matter what your body did or didn’t do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances”

“Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse or while remembering or talking about sexual abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about.”

“For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors – in fact, all of us – talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge.”

“Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they “should” feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It’s possible to feel better about this issue – one tiny step at a time.”

Maybe this will help me, you, or someone going through this experience.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Because somedays it makes me feel crazy inside.  Trusting and believing that I’m going to be okay, the parts of me are going to be okay, and we are going to make it through this….well, somedays it’s all I have.

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An “ah, ha” moment

Sunday’s, oh how they sneak up on me and then- BAM! I’m an emotional mess. Well, this Sunday was no different, but it sort of was, at the same time.  I didn’t sleep well, no surprise, but I also had another headache.  When I got up to take my migraine meds, I heard this voice from inside say, “Please, don’t take that medicine!  I promise, it’s not a migraine.”  

That felt so weird, since this part of me rarely communicates with me, but it was loud and clear that morning.  I took some Excedrin, decided to lay back down and let it run it’s course.  A few minutes later, I’m feeling this odd sensation to get up and work on my BSF lesson.  At this point, I realize that Kat (17) is communicating with me, and I want to acknowledge her.  We head out to the kitchen, get some coffee, slice up a grapefruit, I prayed out loud, we begin to read scripture and answer questions.

As I am reading verses I’ve read before and am familiar with, I notice I’m reading out loud and asking myself questions.  It feels like when I was 21, and a new Christian.  I had so many questions about the bible.  Was this stuff really true?  Is it really this easy?  Does God really forgive ALL my sins, for real??

All this was familiar and I knew she was asking me these questions.  This process of healing, finding freedom, and ongoing integration with my Dissociative Identity Disorder, has always been my goal.  What I wasn’t planning on was this journey of making sure the parts of me knew Jesus.  Not to simply learn about Him, but to experience the relationship, love, forgiveness, and salvation He offers.  I know some of you are thinking, “Man, this chick is messed up!”  Maybe so, but I want to make sure, when the time is right, that all the precious parts of me know and believe in Jesus.  I have no better gift to share with them, other than letting each one share their stories, be believed, and help them through their individual trauma and abuse.  Jesus doesn’t just love me-Host.  He loves every part of me.  And He wants us to be healed!!

I know some may have another meaning for these particular verses in 1 Corinthians, but for me, it speaks not only about the church body, but my personal body too.

1-Corinthians-14-12-also1 Corinthians 12:14-26 (NLT)

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part!  Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I am grateful to be involved in my healing, taking the steps to trust God, my therapist, and myself.  It isn’t easy, most days, I want to quit.  I hate feeling this way, it hurts too badly, and I want things (people) I can never have.  God knows my suffering, He will not allow more than I can take-without Him!

 

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“United as One”

 

3 hour session, not a 3 hour tour!

We all know the show and the song from Gilligan’s Island, right??  I thought today, I would make a few modifications to the lyrics.  Why?  Well, I’m not exactly sure….but maybe it has to do with my Friday, 3 hour, therapy session.  I could not have been more proud of Kat today!! She did hard and productive work.  So grateful for her courage and strength!

This past week was hell, with a migraine everyday, somedays we didn’t get out of bed-just about took us all out!  So like the The S.S. Minnow in Gilligan’s Island, we felt tossed around and beaten up. Anyone that has ever taken a three-hour boat ride can tell you, it gets pretty insufferable by the end. People are hungry, cranky and seasick!  And anyone who gets a migraine can tell you it’s debilitating and immobilizing.

hqdefaultAnyway, here is my new song!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
a true tale and grateful trip,
that started three short years ago,
aboard this human ship.

The Host was a mighty private gal
the Protector, she’s the bravest one,
nine insiders set out one day,
for a 1 hour session,
now a 3 hour session.

The memories started getting rough,
this human ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of this fearless group
the Host would be lost.
The Host would be lost.

This Community set out on the course of this
uncharted life style
with Sis and her sister
Wendy and Mary too.
The boys are here, to help thrive
the artist, Cindy
the Protector and Kat are here,
in our Host’s Body.

So this is the story of all our parts,
they’re here for a long, long time.
They’ll have to make the best of things,
sometimes it’s an uphill climb.

The Host and her amazing team
will do their very best,
to make the insider’s comfortable
to grow together and finally rest.

No abuse, no hurt, no abandonment
not a single painful thing
like God had intended,
it’s safe and loving as can be.

So join us here each week my friends,
you’re sure to get a smile,
from nine, awesome suvivors
here in the Host’s body!

Inner dialogue

self talkAs all of us with DID know, we have constant inner dialogue happening-whether we are aware or not, whether we accept it or not, and whether we desire it or not!  Sometimes we can shut it out, and other times it’s all we hear.  It is a component of who we are and how we function.  In the beginning we think everyone has this kind of dialogue happening too. And it’s always shocking when we find out, oh, it’s just us!

This past week has been some of the hardest, no, it has been the single, most difficult work, I have attempted. Since beginning my therapy 3 years ago, the last 2 years being intensive, I can honestly say, no one could have prepared me for what I was about to go through.  Like those of us with DID, PTSD, OCD, eating disorders, traumas, abuse, etc…. there is no, one “fix all” to use.

Learning about sexual abuse was hard, learning about it happening to me, even harder, then learning that one of the times involved my dad…unbearable.  I’m still not doing well with this new information.  I’m trying to care for the part of me that endured it, but at the same time, realizing it was me, and having to deal with that as well- it’s been excruciating.  I feel like I’m failing at both ends.  I feel shame, disgust, dirty, bad, defective, sad, very sad, hurt, angry…..you get the idea.  When will it stop?  Will I ever be okay?  Am I even getting better?  I want to run away, hide, never get out of bed, isolate, numb…..Ahhhhhhhh

Then today, I was reminded of this psalm that was given to me before I left my job and began the intense work 2 years ago.

Psalm 13~ A psalm of David.

Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

 

David is pleading with God, asking the question I have asked God so many, thousands, of times- HOW LONG?  But even in the depth of his cry to God, David, like me (most days) hangs on every word of verses 5 and 6!  BUT, you know there is always a BUT!  But I will trust your unfailing love!  God’s love is unfailing, unchanging, unconditional and unending.  You are His beloved, prized possession and He has a wonderful purpose for your life, despite where you find yourself today.

When people look down upon us, God doesn’t see what they see. He knows the end from the beginning and He uses everything in our life to restore, redeem, make you whole, and put you back together again.  The struggle, difficulty, trial, setback, and loss will one day be a testimony.

I’m truly blessed and beyond grateful for my therapist, who knows so much about DID.  I am abundantly blessed with an incredible husband of 25 years, and my boys.  My husband constantly loves, supports and encourages each part of me, he calls them “his girls”…except for the two boys. 🙂  I have wonderful friends, who have walked along side me and my family.  Love you all!