Tag Archives: tired

I Think I’m Done

This week has had some great things and some really shitty things happen. The medication I started last week has kept me more focused, less dissociated and the biggest thing….SLEEP!  I know it’s only been 5 days, but I am up to 5-6 hours of sleep, this is twice as much as normal.  I am grateful that my doctor was willing to experiment and listen to my suggestion.  No one knew how it would work; I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m celebrating the sleep that is happening right now!

Back to the title of this blog…somewhere along the way I feel as though I am not doing well with myself, in therapy that is. I haven’t been able to get myself to the place, that my parts have, with my therapist.  Maybe the reality for me is too much. I wasn’t worth shit to my parents, wasn’t valuable enough to fight for, protect, or even keep from abusing. The thought of lying down, in a street, for cars to run over me, sounds like a great idea right now!

Over four years of working my ass off, in therapy, to get where….laying in the street?? It’s clear I’m doing the whole ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ thing. My catastrophic thinking is in full gear.  I didn’t go to therapy Tuesday, not going tomorrow. Hmmm, I’m doing really well! SHIT!

giphy

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What Do I Want to Do??

This has been a question I’ve been struggling with for the past 2-3 years.  I have maintained a full-time career, until I resigned from my job in January 2014.  I was unable to work and do the necessary transformation work of therapy at the same time. This has been the first time I’ve experienced inadequacies in my professional life.  It would be impossible for me to return to any of the previous positions in jobs I’ve held. This is both sad and frustrating for me!  I know the work I’m doing in therapy is extremely important, but the more I continue, the further away I feel from ever going back to having any type of career.

It is, like everything you read about DID treatment, the hardest, most grueling, painful process anyone can endure.  Of course, I told myself that would not be the case for me.  WRONG!  Now I am venturing into the work of myself, my feelings, my emotions, my memories…and it is overwhelmingly painful.  The emotions it triggers are, at times, too much for me to handle.

Trust God, Pray about it, Surrender your agenda, Be patient with yourself, Tell God I’m struggling (he already knows), Believe His plans are good, He will never leave you, He loves you, He will strengthen you…

I know and hear these truths all the time, but sometimes, I can’t do, see or feel any of it! I know in those moments, I am being attacked, and that satan wants nothing more than to keep me in this state of uncertainty, failure, worthlessness, and shame.  I want to be able to give back, share what God has done in my life, speak about DID-so others will have a better understanding and maybe help that person like me.

On days like today, I can’t think about taking another step. I want time away from therapy, I am afraid to share what I feel inside, how it feels to be me, and stay connected/present at the same time.  The roller coaster of wanting to fight through or running from, keeps me from seeking what it is God wants for me.

 

cala

 

Hello, from the inside…

Today seems to be another day of nausea and wondering.  Wondering how it is that most of the week I’ve felt sick to my stomach, and if it has do with drinking?? The not knowing things about what happens to me, wears me out!  And am I drinking?  Is this a constant hangover that is never ending? Hmmmmm, just wondering…52d24db82368e8a5b865c83a202bde28

I also wonder and hate having to go through photo albums and journals to find out about my past, my life, what took place, things that happened, which I don’t/can’t remember!  This seems so unfair and at times exhausting.  When I don’t sleep well, I lay in bed and wonder…. what is really happening, is this stuff for real, can I even trust myself and the things I hear? Are these memories real?