Tag Archives: Support

A Journey Begins…

It has been over 2 months since I’ve posted anything. After my last post in April, I started cutting back on my therapy. I have been going twice a week for about 3yrs; on difficult weeks, even more. The idea, of course, was mine; my therapist was hesitant at first. However, we spent a great deal of time talking through how it would work, feel, and explaining to everyone on the inside. I plan to share that at a later time…

I decided to only tell my husband because I wanted to wait and see how the changes would affect me or if I was ready. The perfectionistic part of me didn’t want to feel like a failure, which was another reason. And really, it was between me, my husband and my therapist.

By the end of May, lots of unfortunate events were taking place in my life. It was like déjà vu: “already seen”; when it occurs, it seems to spark our memory of a place we have already been, a person we have already seen, or an act we’ve already done. It is a signal to pay special attention to what is taking place, perhaps to receive a specific lesson in a certain area or complete what is not yet finished.  There is no way of predicting where each might lead or what it will teach you.  

I asked God to show me why this was happening again and to give me the strength and courage to walk with integrity and faith. Trusting Him was the only thing that made sense, so I did! Walking away from toxic people is what I’ve been learning to do for the last 6 years in therapy.

By this time, I had stopped going to therapy all together. I was excited about the chance to use all the things God had shown me and what I’ve learned in therapy. I knew how to take care of each part of me; we had all worked extremely hard, but it was strange for everyone. There were days when I questioned the decision to stop going, other days I was thrilled to know I would be okay and I could nurture all the parts of me. It was encouraging to know that I had the ability to walk in this new found freedom and do the things I’ve been learning.

It wasn’t always easy, especially during this particular event. Some days it felt like a test, too difficult to figure out and other days, it was very sad.

The most important thing I learned for myself and my community is: What God knows about me is more important than what anyone says or thinks about me. I’ve spent too long allowing abusive people to hurt me; I’ve spent hundreds of hours in therapy learning, growing and healing; I’ve allowed God to transform and bring healing to my life; I’ve learned about His unconditional love and watched Him bless my husband and sons in amazing ways; He showed us how to love, care and support one another.

52001988326__64253D60-7953-47EF-94F9-090452723AD2 copy

I wanted this to be an encouragement to anyone who would read this. We all have been wounded and hurt; some more than others, but we share a common bond on this site. We support and encourage each other. We are strangers, but we feel like friends. We would never consider saying or doing anything that would harm another person on here, right?? I cannot even imagine it happening. It’s a safe place with others who are finding healing and transformation!

I believe people hurt other people because they are, in fact, unhealthy. I am NOT perfect by any means, but I certainly cannot imagine saying and doing things to intentionally hurt people I care about. I know, all too well, what that is like…and just because I have a mental illness, does NOT mean I am an easy target. None of us should ever allow another  person the power to harm us or take on their shame, guilt and blame. Be the person God created you to be, not what others say about you!

So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. God always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.            Hebrews 10:24-25

Advertisements

Parts, Addictions and Withdrawal

I’ve been out of touch for awhile… mainly because I don’t know how to explain the things that have been happening. My journey with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) has had it ups and downs, good and bad days and learning more about myself than I thought was possible. I wouldn’t change a thing because I am putting the pieces of my life back together.

For several months, my therapist and I have been working with Kat, my teenager who has struggled with various addictions. I work for therapist’s who are trained in addictions; I see the struggle people have on a daily basis. This was not going to be easy or quick, but it was possible!

Kat and I are so much alike and yet so different. My therapist has a hard time knowing who she is talking with, as are switching is almost flawless. Yet at the same time, we have completely different personalities (duh)!

She is out-going, fun, adventurous, speaks her mind-freely, confident, hilarious, creative, kind-hearted, always wants everyone to be happy without showing negative emotions. She helps me see the lighter side of life, try new things, gets me out of the dual thinking- right/wrong, good/bad, up/down, and not take myself so seriously. I am grateful for the things she has taught me along the way.

I understand her eating disorder, the struggle to not binge and purge and her need to numb with medication. What I haven’t been able to understand is the cutting, smoking and drinking. It’s amazing how I can hate to smoke or the smell of smoke and yet, I smoke. And what I didn’t realize is that she has a serious drinking problem. I enjoy an occasional drink, but she needs it everyday. This was shocking and yet heart-breaking for me to learn. I understand her using all these behaviors to numb the pain of the abuse she endured. She took all of that for me, so I could survive.

Until recently, she didn’t want anyone to know how much she drank. When she opened up in therapy, my therapist was encouraging, supportive and adamant that she begin the process to stop. We had used EMDR, a few times, with success. One particular session, my therapist used it to target my migraines. We found much needed relief and thought maybe we could target the drinking as well.

Kat hates to talk about painful experiences (but who does). She will avoid, by aggressively escaping any painful situation. The emotions are too much for her. EMDR is a helpful way for her to connect with memories, but not for a long period of time. Like being on a train, seeing the landscape and then moving on to the next scene. She would get an image, connect it with a memory and connect that with wanting to drink.

My therapist felt like EMDR would help her connect the triggers and memories that made her drink. She was right and we began a modified version to help Kat. They would target whatever came up for her each day. We never knew where these sessions would lead, but each of us were willing to go. It was exhausting for her and me both. After each session we would need to go home and sleep; sometimes we never made it out of the parking lot. 🙂

What I wasn’t prepared for was the withdrawal symptoms. They came mostly in the night; sweating, shaking, chills, weird anxious thoughts, cramps, sometimes vomiting and throughout the day were these flu-like symptoms. It lasted about 5 days and she was did incredibly well. My therapist suggested we do an “in-house” treatment. We wouldn’t go away to treatment, mainly because it would be complicated with being DID. She wanted to see Kat everyday and wanted her to be the one to say what she needed daily. Whew, that was hard all by itself!

We had unfortunate “life events” happen at the end of that first week, but we have continued to battle through. I have been incredibly proud of her, her perseverance, courage and strength. She has faced difficult memories and emotions, but with the help of my therapist and me staying present with her, she is winning! On a side note, my therapist had made the time each day to see her, allowed contact outside of the office, and was willing to go to those ‘hard places’ to help her find freedom. That is priceless and I will never be able to thank her enough!

DID is complicated, a way of survival, a painful and grueling work, sad, confusing, unpredictable, a unique gift from God and yet so delicate to walk through. Learning about each precious part of you that makes up the whole of  who you are….amazing! I am without words, to express my heart-felt gratitude and support of my family, friends and therapist. Truly a BLESSING!

 

 

 

EMDR again…

As with many of my posts, it takes me several days to actually publish what I’ve written. Things seem to change so quickly in my world; I feel like I’ve been swirling, waiting for the ride to stop. I know this is a normal reaction with EMDR. You continue to get more and more information afterwards. It’s difficult with having DID, because you already have so many bits and pieces swirling inside; you don’t need to feel like you’ve been on the Tilt-A-Whirl too!!giphy

During my Friday, long session, we did EMDR for the second time. I was the primary subject and my negative cognition was, “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” I have always taken the blame for things that have happened to us. I’m sure because of my past, the abuse, and how it was projected onto me it’s been my way of thinking-always. Being aware that I do this is one thing, trying to resolve the issue, is quite another.

My ‘damn therapist’ friend, came to my session and joined my T and myself for what turned out to be 2 hours of EMDR and intense emotions. I was overwhelmed with the things it was bringing up from my past: anger, sadness, hurt, and lots of tears. I wasn’t able to get to a place of calm, even my calm place made me cry. I felt so undeserving of my “island getaway” that I couldn’t even  continue. My friend would never end EMDR this way in a session, but she knew I wanted to stop and spend some time talking with my T. In the final last hour with my T, together we got me to a place where I could feel okay to leave.

a813615e536c4e53b48eb525d32b22eced59ec5b237e703adb357b04dff618db

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I always know when things don’t go as well in therapy when my T tells me she will be available if I need to contact her later. I’m extremely grateful that she allows that, but always hoping we won’t need it either. On Friday’s, after therapy, I get a massage. It has become a huge self-care piece for me. It has taken me years to be able to get a massage (for obvious reasons), and now it has been significantly healing. However, I completely zoned out somewhere in the middle and switched. I found out later, my teenage part, B, had gone back to see my therapist. Interestingly, she is my tough, bad ass, take control, get things done, part of me and knowing she went back to talk was a bit shocking. B has grown and matured so much; she wanted to discuss some of the things she learned about herself in EMDR. Most notably, “I can’t fix everything”!!!!! OMG, that was HUGE! What a break-through for her and myself. I was so stinkin’ proud of her!! 🙂

My therapist had shared with me about their conversation and we both felt like this was an extremely beneficial session. Not only for me, but for others inside. I am realizing there is still information I am unaware of. I believe that my T and B talked about it on the steps of her office. These are the things with EMDR that keep downloading in my head, while I’m trying to make sense of it all.

I’ve been journaling, and trying to keep myself distracted, which isn’t really working. My dad’s birthday is today; that is painful all on it’s own. He has hurt us in so many ways and I don’t want to give him any head-space, whatsoever. But it keeps invading my mind, thinking, and memories all at the same time.

Overall, it was an encouraging and beneficial session. I will probably do this again on Friday. Hopefully, I will have more information and a little more closure on things. It is a risky tool to use with DID, but at this point in my healing, I think it is needed. It is also being done by a gifted, seasoned and caring therapist, who is my friend. She would never put me in a situation that would be harmful…my own T wouldn’t allow that either! I am blessed to have two people who care so deeply about me. Makes me cry just typing it out!

Migraine: Takes Me Out Again

Had my long session yesterday and my part teen part, K, shared another memory. I had woken up with a huge bruise on my right calf, Tuesday, then on Thursday had another bruise on my left calf- both in the same place. I could tell I had lost some time prior to therapy and figured K didn’t want to share this information. She didn’t want to talk about the memory, but my T was so helpful and encouraging to her. I’m grateful for the relationship my T has with not only me, but each part of me! giphyDuring my session I had a migraine develop, my T helped K by walking her through the pain, but it came back after the session.

I sat in my car, like usual, debating whether to take a chance and head to work knowing I was getting a migraine or going home and getting into bed. The tears began to run down my face as I started to think about what I had heard for the past 2.5 hrs. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out the memory or why I developed the bruising. But hearing it out loud, well that’s a whole other deal! One more thing to try and wrap my mind around, how could a parent do this to their child??

Just when I think I am getting close to the end, memories like this surface and take me out! My drive home was emotional and I hoped the migraine wouldn’t get worse before I could take my meds. I notified my husband and “damn therapist friends” to say I was headed home. Being alone after therapy, especially difficult sessions like this one, is never a good idea. My husband had the day off, and that made going home an easy choice. When I get a migraine, the best thing is to be in my own bed…that is the only good thing about it!

Considering more EMDR regarding my issues of canceling therapy because I feel like $$ is an issue, trying to fix myself before I get to therapy (seriously), and being responsible, or at least feeling like I need to be responsible for everything. My therapist suggested doing this, but I wasn’t sure. I have to ask for help from another person, to do EMDR, and that makes it harder. Of course, my therapist jumped all over that too, saying she didn’t have any issues asking the therapist to come back again. Ugh! I know it will be a good idea, and very helpful for me in the long run…

Today I’m feeling tired and worn out from the long session, the migraine, and all the meds it takes to knock me out. I have felt very emotional and have cried off and on most of the day. It’s all normal, but I’m ready to move to another season of life. Trusting that God has this and me, and will never leave or abandon me in this place!!

 

Therapy Tuesday, Wednesday and…

It seems as though 3 sessions a week is becoming a norm in my life, ugh! Actually, the past couple weeks I have been there 4x a week, seriously?? giphyI know I’m on a fast track, but this need s to stop. For one, I can’t afford to keep going this often. Money is a huge stressor for me, since I resigned from my full time job in 2014.  The past 3-4 weeks has been difficult to manage my weekly budget. Taking time off right now would not be productive, yet I can’t keep using money I don’t have to go to therapy. The other part of this is my current, part-time job. The job is awesome, I have great bosses- who are exceptionally patient and understanding of my disorder and schedule. Although when I have difficult sessions, several times a week; I miss several hours of work on a weekly basis. Those two things combined, make for anxiety levels that get rather uncomfortable. There is no solution, that I know of, at this point. I have often thought about filling out paperwork for disability, but that seems wrong somehow…

When I resigned, I committed to therapy 2x a week, and my T is extremely generous with her time and rates. Honestly, I wouldn’t be this far along if that was not happening. I am truly grateful for her willingness to be flexible and generous. My prayers are always that God would bless her and her family abundantly more than she could ask or dare imagine. No doubt He sees her heart and how she is such a huge blessing to her clients. She always reminds us of what God is doing; for our good and His glory- He uses everything! Nothing is wasted, not one thing.

I guess I’m venting about things I can’t fix and that makes me frustrated. I know this isn’t going to last forever, but it feels like I’m drowning and getting deeper and further from the shore, so to speak. I don’t want to stop or slow down therapy when things are really working and going well. I tend to hit things hard and suffer that emotional hangovers later, but it works for me and my therapist. 🙂 I feel comforted that others, I read about, also suffer from shutting down after therapy. Or in my case unable to go back to work or even go the next day. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I think if I didn’t like my job or the people I work for, I would have been fired or quit long ago. Blessed they still want me there.

I feel exhausted emotionally, after two days of therapy in a row. But I should be used to this by now, right?? Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to discuss how my new medication is working; it is working great and I’m thankful to have it. Guess I’ll miss more work, but these things have to happen. Enough already! Geeshgiphy1

EMDR: “That Shit Really Works”

The title is in honor of my ‘damn therapist’ friend who I mentioned in my last post. The first time I saw the two therapist’s I work for (whom I call those “damn therapists) do EMDR, I was completely amazed.  My prior experience wasn’t so good, but as I sat behind the camera filming them for certification, it was jaw dropping watching the process unfold before me. Not that I didn’t think they were great at what they do, because they are incredibly gifted therapists. That’s why the name, ‘damn therapists’, is a term of endearment. I kinda lump my own therapist in there too because they are all so damn good and sometimes too good- if you know what I mean.  You can’t get away with anything with them. LOL

Anyway, back to my “experiment” today in therapy. I was very nervous, but felt completely safe. We met at my T office and my DTF (damn therapist friend) was there to start at 9AM. It absolutely helped to have my own T there and in a familiar place. My T has a pretty laid back personality, but can also take on a strong, aggressive stance when needed. I felt that strong personality when I walked in her office, and it felt comforting, not that I was in danger, but to know she had my back no matter what happened! And since we were both new at this, that was probably an appropriate stance for her to take.

My DTF went through how it would work, which I was prepared for in advance, and asked if we had any questions. I let them know my teenage part- B, was going to participate and she good okay to be there. No other parts were going to be involved, so I made sure they were all safe and tucked away in their rooms. 🙂

My DTF used the bilateral stimulation through directed lateral eye movements-using my eyes to track the therapist’s hand as it moves back and forth across my field of vision.  Initially, I had difficulty tracking…no surprise there! But after a couple of tries I began tracking her two fingers and quickly, very quickly things began to surface. giphyThis is the piece that made me nervous, because she wanted me to say whatever it was that came up- and did I mention, OUT LOUD! I couldn’t try to fix or change it before I spoke it out loud…oh the pain of not filtering! How was it suppose to come out just right? Oh, it’s not?? There’s no right or wrong answer? What have I gotten myself into here? But I pushed through, right or wrong, good or bad.

I established my negative cognition of, “I should not trust people” and my positive belief (which I struggled with) “I can discern that I can trust people”.  So all my sets had to do with the fact that I have trusted people who ultimately have hurt me in some way or another. Then my teenage part, B came and rocked my world with the information she processed out loud. You know that moment when you hear something so shocking that you are like, “What the f*** just happened? Did she just say what I think she said?”

Yeah, that is what happened. I’m listening as she is present, speaking and revealing this information that has everyone in the room reacting in different ways. I want to stop this process, and get out of there. I catch a glimpse of my DTF, who is trying desperately to not show her reaction, but I saw it and knew how she felt about it. UnknownThen I hear my T, who’s sitting to my left, do what I call the Junie B. Jones, “huffy breath”.…5x! I could hear her deep sighs as B was talking about something a trusted friend had done several years ago. All that information we heard, only confirmed my negative thinking that I should not trust people…they will hurt me!  And this hurt, badly!

I was ready to wrap up the EMDR session and end all of this emotion and processing. My DTF did a great job of repeating my positive belief and that there are people in my life who love, care and will be there for me! I was grateful, but it was hard to hear. As soon as my DTF ended the session, I got up and headed to the bathroom. The 3 of us talked briefly and then I was left with my T for the remaining 45 min. Not enough time to understand what we heard, but we both agreed to one thing…we may never have received this information from B if we didn’t choose to do EMDR. I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have shared this any other time. Perhaps this is why she agreed to this in the first place?? Maybe she wanted to do this, so she didn’t have to carry this around anymore. Either way, it was a good choice, even if I thought it was only going to be an experiment.

I headed out to my car, but I knew I needed to get more grounded. I was not in a good place, so I decided to go for a walk.  The tears began to roll down my face and I couldn’t stop thinking, “What is so wrong with me, that I am a magnet for crazy people who want to hurt me?” I walked for about 15-20 minutes before returning to my car. I noticed my T walking toward me, she must have seen my car still parked outside and came to check on me. I love that she cares enough to do the little things. We talked outside for about 30min. and she helped me get more insight as to what I need to do for myself. I thanked her for caring so much. She responded, “You don’t have to thank me. I hope you do know that I care that much. You make it easy. If you need anything, just let me know.”

Will I do EMDR again?  Probably….very likely. I had the same feelings afterwards like I do when I have been switched for a long period of time in session. I’ve had a headache all day, been physically and emotionally exhausted, cried several times, and been very angry as well. The difference is my parts are usually sharing memories from my past, it’s over and I don’t have any connection with my abusers. This new information today, affects present day relationships, and I am not sure what to do. Of course, it happens on a Friday and I won’t have another session until Tuesday. UGH!

Friday Meltdown Part 2

In my last post , I shared about what happened after last Friday’s therapy session.  I was not involved/present during the session, which I did on purpose.  My little one’s had planned to visit with my T and I didn’t want to be there.  That probably sounds bizarre, why would I choose not to be present during therapy.  It was the questioning of my friend, the “damn therapist”, that triggered feelings I was completely unaware were buried. The question as to why I chose not to be present in that session left me with swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly.

While crying in my closet (my crying place), I realized the one person who could help me, put words as to why I wasn’t present, and get me to a calm place, was my therapist. I have been working intensely toward being honest and upfront with my T about my past, how I’m really feeling, and what I need. It isn’t comfortable at times, but extremely necessary and important.  With that in mind, I apprehensively called my T. Not gonna lie, there was a moment when I felt like,  “What if she answers; what will I actually say?” LOL

Of course she answered, asked if I was okay, and right away I started crying all over again. Seriously, I couldn’t even hold it together for a, “Hi, how are you?” Ugh!  I told her that I had been asked about why I chose not to be present during the session; she wanted to know as well. Shocker!! I began by saying it was, at times, uncomfortable to see myself sitting there as a child (but 47 yrs old), listening to my T read my favorite picture books, and feeling so at ease. It’s hard to wrap my head around all that, but I know this is how it all works.

The biggest reason- my mom never read to me, but the babysitter did. The lady who babysat for me (5 yrs old) and my siblings, was married to a pedophile who would sexually abuse me when he came home for lunch. When he would leave, she would rock me in a chair and read books to me…like somehow that was going to fix the problem!!!  Later, when I was 19, I started therapy for my eating disorder. My first attempt at therapy, and I only went because my really good friend/mentor was noticing I was acting strange when it came time to eat.  She was the first person I told about being bulimic, she freaked out, and like a good codependent (didn’t have a clue what that was at 19), she found me a therapist, drove me there, and had actually met with her once because she didn’t think it was going well-yikes!

I began to share with this friend, things no one knew about me. I trusted her with information, but mostly she was the first person I thought truly cared about me. She saw the dysfunctional relationship with my mom and was shocked by her constant behavior towards me. It was soothing to have someone care, encourage, and love me for who I was.  She allowed me to be a part of their family, watch their kids, and see what a loving family looked like.  Unfortunately, she saw me as her child, and wanted to mother me through these difficult days…that’s when I learned the word codependent. Her intentions were good, but unhealthy. And one day, after therapy, I drove to her house and broke down emotionally about not having a mom who loved me unconditionally. I was grieving something I would never have, sad for always being criticized and judged, and pretending that we had this “great family”. She walked across the room, sat with me in the chair and rocked back and forth. Moments later, she was reading a children’s book to me and thinking it would bring a sense of comfort and peace. My child parts (I was unaware of at the time) attached to this lady who was very kind and loving. I remember feeling very small in that moment; I just didn’t know why.

2o+ years later, I see all the unhealthy attachment there, my therapist, at the time, saw it and point it out to me too. I wish I knew then what I know now, but we all could say that, and it isn’t helpful for today. I don’t have any connection with this friend; we live hundreds of miles apart. There is so much more about all that, but it will have to be another day, another post.

So, that is why I didn’t want to be in session. I was unable to separate myself enough to see the healthy parts of it, enjoy being there, and seeing this as a new and positive experience. All of this new information surfaced, became overwhelming and I was completely taken out emotionally. My T thanked me for being vulnerable, honest, and calling. She understood why I did what I did, and said we could work through it when I was ready…which is therapist code for “we will be talking about it next session”.  I know how those “damn therapists” work; they aren’t fooling me. LOL

The problem with working through the issue came when I didn’t go to therapy today…I took the day off to work outside in the flower beds, knowing that I really don’t know what I’m doing.  My mom always did the flowers, because I could never “get the right things”, “plant them correctly”, or do “enough to make it look good”. Another mental block where she is concerned and it paralyzed me again today.  First it was the books and now flowers!!  OMG

 

Mother’s Day: The Love/Hate Relationship

Mother’s Day is often a painful time. For those of us with DID, abuse, PTSD, etc., this day can be a love/hate relationship with the survivor.  I love it because I have two incredible sons; young men who I love and cherish deeply.  I would fight for them, no matter what! As a survivor with dissociative identity disorder, mom issues are complicated and difficult to sort out or make sense of. These issues are multi-layered and uncomfortable.

For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the father, sadistic family members, babysitters, or other predators.  Whatever the reason, these mother’s were not there for their child; maybe they were the ones doing the abusing. So whatever the case my be, the issues around our mom’s create so many mixed feelings as this day approaches.

My story, with my mom, is she was too blind or too lost in her own denial or self, to be willing and/or able to protect me from abuse.  At that point she became irresponsible for her role in not protecting me.  She was in our home, and could have been instrumental in helping to protect me. However, out of her own fear or denial, she refused to look, to protect, or help.  Maybe she let her own fear overcome her and her willingness to save me. Or maybe, she just simply didn’t care, or thought I deserved it somehow. It wouldn’t surprise me if she acted as an accomplice….fear or not!

So every Mother’s Day, it is difficult for me (and I’m sure you other’s as well) who grew up with a mom like that.  It hurts.  No matter how much it hurts, at times I just want my mom. It’s confusing. The things I desired from her was never given to me, and it’s like a knife through my already broken heart. The anguish of wanting my mom to do something, anything to save me from this horrendous, scary environment, leaves a void deep within me. It is almost sickening to believe she would choose herself over her child’s safety and well-being.

The aftermath of such events in a child’s life do not heal quickly or easily. This gut-wrenching pain is felt for years, because it is wrong!  It is shameful, disgraceful, and pathetic….this is NOT what a mother does-EVER!

I didn’t have a role model that I could follow as a mom, but I was NOT going to make the same mistakes with my own boys!  I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, trust me, but none like what I have described above.  God, is His goodness, grace and mercy, helped me to do what I never learned to do from watching my mom. He could only have given me the strength to love unconditionally, support, care, fight for, protect, and provide a safe place for my children.  I am truly, eternally grateful for His grace and kindness.

Although it is going to be a day with joy and sadness; I know that God has given me women in my life to look up to, to seek when I need help. These women are mentors, godly women who remind me that God provides EVERYTHING I could possible need. Women who I can call without hearing criticism or judgment. Women who are safe, who will laugh or cry with me. I feel blessed to have these women in place of the one person who could never do any of those things. Thank you God!

tumblr_o1itx08EhB1to5uq4o1_500

 

 

Share Your Struggles…You Never Know

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 migraines since Friday! I realize that this is completely wrecking me physically, emotionally and mentally.  I can’t be present to myself, my family, my job, my life….when does it end? I’m sick of myself saying the same thing over and over again. Then the kind words from everyone saying…This is temporary,  it’s only a season, it won’t last, the worst is behind me, God has this, God has me, I am strong, brave, courageous…blah, blah, blah

giphy

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I know all that is true! I am thankful for all of the support, but damn it, I want out of this pit. The crying is too much, and it comes out nowhere. I’m sure it’s a little depression; I certainly know what that feels like.  Not willing to get back on an antidepressant because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. My dissociation is stronger and more frequent, since I don’t like what it happening.

I attempted canceling therapy for tomorrow, using the migraine as a way out, even though it’s the truth.  However, the migraines are here because I need to talk through stuff and that means going to therapy.  My mental state has been so bad at times that I have wanted to call my parents so they can tell me I’m okay. Geesh! Like they have ever said I was okay…but that is where I am right now.

So right now I’m sitting in the dark, in my bed, alone, crying off and on (more on than off), my kids and husband are gone for the evening, and that is never a good combination. I have this “cocktail” of medication for my migraines, it only knocks me out, not the migraine, and I’m thinking, “Perhaps I should take 1 or 12 of these???”  I would be knocked out for sure- completely out!  But I’m not going to because it’s not who I am, who I want to be, and it’s not the answer.

So I want to share something I read tonight as I lay here in this depressed state….I believe God gives us exactly what we need at exactly the perfect time. I was going through and reading blogs that I follow, catching up and hoping to find some encouragement along the way.  This “blog community” has been a valuable resource for me in my healing journey.  But this particular blog I read possibly changed my perspective, well not possibly, it absolutely, without question, took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and unmistakably changed my thinking.

I don’t believe in coincidences, but believe God is in all things, speaks through others, even when they don’t realize.  God uses our struggles to make us stronger, but also when we speak them, share them, write them on a post; He will use them all!

Tonight when I arrived home from work, early, due to an oncoming migraine, I was taking my jewelry off and I noticed the 2 pictures I have hanging above my dresser.  One is when I was 5yrs old and the other I think 7 or 8.  I just stared at them for a moment and then got in bed and began to cry, thinking all this is so not worth another day!

And then I read Rachel’s blog post. This is what changed things for me.  She shared her struggles, who suicidal thinking, all the while being honest and vulnerable.

I don’t think I would actually pull the trigger. I don’t think, even if I had a gun, I could actually do it. Because I don’t believe in killing, and I am a person. And would be killing a person. And also, that 3 year old keeps flashing in my mind. That 3 year old me, I can’t shoot her in the head. I looked at an old picture, and just can’t imagine killing her. So I don’t think I am actually in danger, I just feel really bad right now. And I don’t even feel reactive about it, that I need to necessarily do anything about it, other than take care of myself and wade through it as best I can until it passes. Clearly something is being worked out.”

Thank you, Rachel! Thank you for being real, honest and seen.  You had no idea when you put those words out there that someone, somewhere, would be encouraged. God used your life experiences to get me through a difficult place.

12798088_1717512191869117_1207203206_n

 

 

Just When I Think Things Are Changing

“The closer you get to God the more satan will send pain your way but what satan forgot was that when you are in pain, you are more susceptible to being blessed by God. God gives us strength in the time of our weakness.”

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

47188414c6d10bb734e75c87149522e8When am I closer to where God wants me to be or when I am close to receiving a breakthrough from the Lord; satan shows up to try and disrupt things.  The closer I get to God, and trusting that He is healing and bringing freedom; the more satan tries to attack the things I am doing.

 

What I’m learning is, when I can clearly see the things God is doing, start celebrating the good that is happening; I get blindsided and taken out.

Right after my last post “New Day”, I had a migraine, that once again, put in a dissociated state. One of my teenagers and another part took me to work, helped me get through the day and stayed in contact with my therapist.  I had taken medication that is not possible for me to function, but I needed (in my opinion) to be at work. I know, dumb choice! It is one of the “good” things about having DID, you have options when you can’t be “out”.

My T was texting with B (my teenage part) to see if she thought I could meet with her at the office or maybe even talk on the phone. B didn’t think I could manage having any conversation, so by the afternoon, she took me home. Even though I know it happens, it always shocks me as to how this all happens.  The migraines have usually originated from another teenage part-K. She and I share them, but my T seems to have some way to help her through, and knock it out.  It was the first time that I had the migraine alone, and it seemed to cause an exuberant amount of chaos internally.  The really sweet thing was, each part pitched in to help me function, and I feel so blessed that they care so much!

When I made it home late afternoon, my husband said I walked through the front door, said nothing, went into the bedroom, and stood there looking around like I was lost. He knew right away that I was not good. I immediately remembered the migraine and had to go lay down. My husband has never experienced a migraine, so it’s hard for him to understand I need a quiet, dark and cool room, in my bed  and no talking.  I wish he could understand it isn’t possible to simply lay on the couch and watch TV. My T has migraines and another friend of mine too, so it’s nice to have those who empathize and understand what is needed.

After I slept it off, I was able to communicate with my T about the day, read all the back and forth texting and had an overall view of what took place.  She suggested I come in Monday for a session, even though I have my 2 regularly  scheduled sessions for the week.  At times, I feel like I’m never going to get back to one session a week, especially with all the 3rd sessions I’ve added lately….Ugh!  But the goal is healing, and I cannot lose sight of that right now.  No matter how many sessions it takes, I want to get to a place of wholeness.

My little ones, on the inside, say when all is good it’s like the sun is always rising, and there is no more darkness.  What a beautiful picture of how it will be someday.  No more darkness, no more pain, no more tears….just celebrating a God who loves us, saved us and called us home!

Sunrise