Tag Archives: Sleep

Migraine: Takes Me Out Again

Had my long session yesterday and my part teen part, K, shared another memory. I had woken up with a huge bruise on my right calf, Tuesday, then on Thursday had another bruise on my left calf- both in the same place. I could tell I had lost some time prior to therapy and figured K didn’t want to share this information. She didn’t want to talk about the memory, but my T was so helpful and encouraging to her. I’m grateful for the relationship my T has with not only me, but each part of me! giphyDuring my session I had a migraine develop, my T helped K by walking her through the pain, but it came back after the session.

I sat in my car, like usual, debating whether to take a chance and head to work knowing I was getting a migraine or going home and getting into bed. The tears began to run down my face as I started to think about what I had heard for the past 2.5 hrs. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out the memory or why I developed the bruising. But hearing it out loud, well that’s a whole other deal! One more thing to try and wrap my mind around, how could a parent do this to their child??

Just when I think I am getting close to the end, memories like this surface and take me out! My drive home was emotional and I hoped the migraine wouldn’t get worse before I could take my meds. I notified my husband and “damn therapist friends” to say I was headed home. Being alone after therapy, especially difficult sessions like this one, is never a good idea. My husband had the day off, and that made going home an easy choice. When I get a migraine, the best thing is to be in my own bed…that is the only good thing about it!

Considering more EMDR regarding my issues of canceling therapy because I feel like $$ is an issue, trying to fix myself before I get to therapy (seriously), and being responsible, or at least feeling like I need to be responsible for everything. My therapist suggested doing this, but I wasn’t sure. I have to ask for help from another person, to do EMDR, and that makes it harder. Of course, my therapist jumped all over that too, saying she didn’t have any issues asking the therapist to come back again. Ugh! I know it will be a good idea, and very helpful for me in the long run…

Today I’m feeling tired and worn out from the long session, the migraine, and all the meds it takes to knock me out. I have felt very emotional and have cried off and on most of the day. It’s all normal, but I’m ready to move to another season of life. Trusting that God has this and me, and will never leave or abandon me in this place!!

 

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Emotional

Ha! What a dumb title for a blog post about a girl with DID! So original, right? Is that the best choice of verbiage? Probs not, but it’s all I can provide at this given time. It’s all I got peeps! Anything else I say may ensue nonstop tears-that ugly cry!giphy

Why so emotional you ask? Good question. I have been sleeping for the past month, due to a new medication. Yay! But wait… last Sunday that all came to a complete halt; now I’m back to 2-4 hours and it sucks. Doing more memory work involving my husband, greeeaaat! * *insert sarcasm. The last conversation we had about the memories with him, didn’t go so well. Although it was my fault, due to the timing and transition of the conversation.

My last couple posts have been weighing heavily on my mind, which led to a difficult conversation with my friend. It went well, for the most part, but those types of “talks” leave me emotionally drained. I always feel as though I’ve blown things out of proportion and it doesn’t help that I don’t always have memories to fall back on for information. Seems as though it’s easy for me to take responsibility for the wrong things that happen, mistakes that are made, etc.

Then there’s the ol’, I canceled my therapy sessions for the week piece. Now why would I do that? Well, it’s because I’ve had so many weekly sessions the past 2 months, live on a small budget, and I’ve blown that budget right outta the water! Yep, pretty sad when you have to ask your husband for $20 bucks. Now don’t get all undone; we don’t have a “his and hers” kinda marriage.giphy3

When I resigned from my full time, great paying, position, I took a part-time job and needed to know exactly what I would be responsible for “budget wise”. It works for me/us to know what I have to pay each month. It isn’t much, actually 4 things, but when you add sessions on each week, you get off track fast! Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, grateful for everyday I can get to work and make a difference, and they treat me so incredibly well.

Today I just seem to cry for no apparent reason and out of nowhere. I sent a text to my therapist saying I wouldn’t be in this week and because I’ve seen her for almost 5 years, I guess she has the right to say, “Tell me why?” And I hesitated for a moment, thinking, “Now what can I say for a reason, hmmm.” Then I realized I’m kinda way past lying to my T, so I told her the truth. Ouch!

Why do those “damn therapist’s” make it so hard to cancel?? She offered solutions, but I declined. She called me and I cried, geesh, I’m such an emotional mess. I cried because I’m scared of not going in right now. I cried because I’m afraid I need to go, but can’t say what I need. I cried because, shit, I don’t want to cancel. Wow, it’s only Monday and I’m on the edge, an emotional mess, and I canceled my therapy because I don’t have the $$. Nice!

How do I get to this place so quickly?? My anxiety takes over and I start to berate myself for canceling in the first place. Pretty stupid reason to cancel? Maybe, but I fear not having enough to pay for things.

 

 

I Think I’m Done

This week has had some great things and some really shitty things happen. The medication I started last week has kept me more focused, less dissociated and the biggest thing….SLEEP!  I know it’s only been 5 days, but I am up to 5-6 hours of sleep, this is twice as much as normal.  I am grateful that my doctor was willing to experiment and listen to my suggestion.  No one knew how it would work; I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m celebrating the sleep that is happening right now!

Back to the title of this blog…somewhere along the way I feel as though I am not doing well with myself, in therapy that is. I haven’t been able to get myself to the place, that my parts have, with my therapist.  Maybe the reality for me is too much. I wasn’t worth shit to my parents, wasn’t valuable enough to fight for, protect, or even keep from abusing. The thought of lying down, in a street, for cars to run over me, sounds like a great idea right now!

Over four years of working my ass off, in therapy, to get where….laying in the street?? It’s clear I’m doing the whole ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ thing. My catastrophic thinking is in full gear.  I didn’t go to therapy Tuesday, not going tomorrow. Hmmm, I’m doing really well! SHIT!

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New Medication/Friday Meltdown Part 1

This weekend I started a new medication to help keep me focused, hopefully from dissociating as much during the day, maybe help with night switching (so I can sleep), and even keep me from going down that path of depression.  I have been on it for 3days, it works immediately, meaning it doesn’t take 2 weeks to get into my system, and so far so good.  I noticed I didn’t have difficulty on Mother’s Day with dissociating or feeling sadness, like I usually do on those holidays. Everything with medications and DID are trial and error, so this is an experiment for the next 30 days.  Looking forward to more of these “focused” days, less sadness, and maybe, just maybe, more sleep!!

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On Friday, I had a shorter therapy session, and my little ones spent the entire time with my T. They had wanted a time to read books and give her some things they had made/colored. I was aware of the special session, but wasn’t sure if I would be “present” for any period of time. As it turned out, I didn’t even drive us there!  My teenage part, who loves to hang out with my T, drove to the session and then to my work afterwards. I was in the parking lot at my office, when I realized I missed the entire session. My teenager spent some time getting caught up with my T and the little ones had the final hour.  They had made her a Mother’s Day card, along with (there new love of) origami. My T filled me in later, so I would know what all took place.  She sent a picture of the card; it was so cute I wanted to share what they wrote:

Happy Mothers Day (front of card)

 

Flowers are beautiful just like you.
And even though you are not our mom…
We want to say Happy Mother’s Day to YOU!! (inside)

They all signed their names on the back, cut hearts out of construction paper, glued them all over the card, brought her flowers, and gave her strawberry Laffy Taffy (because who doesn’t love that??) LOL!  Honestly, it was very sweet and I’m glad she sent me some pictures. They think she is a “really nice friend who helps and prays for them” and I’m glad they see her that way. My T has done an incredible job helping them understand that I am a Mom to them, not her. It has prevented potential attachment issues along the way, which has made it less confusing for all of us.

When I arrived at the office, I felt a weird sense of not being at therapy, even though I was there for 90 minutes. Usually, what happens is, I get shut out because a part doesn’t want me to be there, or I choose not to hear due to the nature of the memories being shared. This was simply another part stepping in, taking them, and bringing me to work…no biggie, right??

I probably wouldn’t have put much thought into it, but one of those “damn therapist’s” asked me how therapy went…My response was, “I think it went well, I wasn’t there.” She looked at me a bit puzzled, then I explained how I knew today was different, and my little ones were going to have “their own time” in therapy. Now for the average person, they would have simply said, “Oh, okay.” But not that “damn therapist”, she went on to ask another question; what is the deal with therapist’s and asking a shit load of questions all the time?? Ha Ha!

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The next question was why didn’t I stay present to what was going on, don’t I usually listen/watch when I can? And then I felt the sharp pain! She wasn’t aware, but I certainly was, aware of how that question cut into the core of me. I blew it off quickly by saying I didn’t really want to be there for all that stuff. I’m a grown woman, and it’s hard to watch myself curl up on the couch, next to my therapist, to read children’s books (and that part was true). End of conversation….but not my swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly!

By the time I began the drive home, the tears started streaming down my face, and I couldn’t shake the grief that was attached to the question, “Why wasn’t I present in therapy?” I believe I knew the answer and the answer was too painful.  When I arrived home, my husband greeted me as always, asked how my day went, and if I remembered it was Steak and Beer night?? Duh. *Every Friday my husband works half days, and makes the same meal for our family, or whomever decides to join. Steak, baked potatoes, marinated mushrooms, salad, corn, rolls… It is awesome!

It didn’t take long for him to notice that I had been crying, and then I literally lost it in the kitchen. I couldn’t stop crying! I was undone about it being Mother’s Day, not having communication with her (my mom) anymore, seeing cards and flowers at every store, listening to radio stations say all this sweet crap about mom’s, and now something about therapy set off triggers!  I had remembered I read my personality thought of the day, which said this…

Type One EnneaThought:  “It usually takes time to notice that you need something, especially in the area of emotional needs. But when you do realize what you really feel, by all means let others know.”

Ugh!  I went into my closet, changed my clothes, sat on the floor, cried, and thought about what “I needed emotionally”!! What did I need to do to get answers to what was happening to me?  I will share what I finally decided in my next post.

New Day

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for my morning run.  My 4 hrs of sleep yesterday after the session and 4 more last night, made me feel energetic and rejuvenated. I easily forget what it is actually like to get sleep.  Running is easier too; it clears my head, and the conversation is always good and entertaining.giphy1

I’m excited about having some breathing room, so to speak. I don’t have a migraine, chest pains from anxiety, or body memory pain and it feels so exhilarating.  I’m learning to celebrate all the progress along the way…even sleep! It doesn’t take much, huh!

I have a better understanding of what I need to work on, even though it may not be pleasant, it will be healing for me. Steps forward, even small steps, are progress, healing, and healthy. Feeling blessed by how God never leaves me in those places of wilderness.  Somedays it feels like I’m never going to make it out, but it is in those times, I believe, He is the closest and most present.  Imagine wondering around in the wilderness, having no idea where you are going, but at the same time, trusting the One who will lead the way to freedom!

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, and God doesn’t want me to worry about it anyway.  He has my back!

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2 days of tears

After my Friday therapy session, the past 2 days have been emotional.  I have cried on and off since then, at times, I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t stop. Why does this always happen?  I get grief is necessary, but it comes in waves, out of nowhere, and I really can’t explain why.

My therapist sent me a text today, just reading it made me feel emotional. The more honest I was in my responses back, the more emotions, tears, and overwhelming feelings came.  Not even sure why that happened.  She is so encouraging and always reminding me  of God’s goodness, faithfulness, and love for me.  It helps to keep what is going on in perspective to what God has planned for me.  I know I have difficulty accepting kindness from others, because I don’t feel deserving.  But I am learning…

I hope to sleep tonight, that also causes much exhaustion and emotions.  Getting 3 hours or less of sleep a night, whew! It is sad to think I’m getting used to it, but it’s true.  This is one of the reason’s why I try to get up every morning and run.

It’s so hard some days.

Wednesday was a complete and utter emotional disaster.  I was only able to sleep 2 hours the night before, from 5am to 7am.  My friends all wonder how it is I can function on such little sleep.  You know run, work, talk, walk-all the basic life functions.  The short answer is, I manage- “I’m fine”, the long answer is, I am deteriorating on the inside.

I spent most of the day crying from the time I got out of the shower, to the drive to work and at work.  One of the benefits for me is working for two therapists…they get me!  I tried to text my therapist for a last minute appointment, but she never got the message.  I hate when I get to the place where I need to see her.

Why can’t I sleep, why do I cry so much?  These are my questions on a regular basis.  However, I am being flooded by strong emotions of simply wanting my mom!  REALLY?  The woman who couldn’t love me without conditions, emotionally detached, couldn’t nurture me…why would I cry over that?  But at the end of the day, she is who I want to call and say, “I’ve had a hard day.”  But I also know if I did that, it would be followed by put-downs, criticism, judgment, and false compassion.  And, yet this is what I long for…Geesh!

This is why I end up in my closet sobbing about nothing for hours.  There is no answer.  No one can fill that void.  And I AM PISSED OFF that I even want that!  Arrrgh  This cycle is driving me crazy.

So after 3 hours of sleep last night, I feel the same waves moving in slowly. The tears hanging on the edge, waiting for the look, song, smell, thought, or whatever it will be, before they drop off the edge into another day of emotional chaos.

These are the days when I wish I owned a convertible, had a friend named Thelma, and we were headed off the cliff…

THELMA AND LOUISE

Sorry for the downer entry this morning.  Keeping it real!

Just breathe…2 AM

“2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to. But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe”

When I started to type this post, it was 2:50am. The lyrics to this old song continued to flood my mind, so I decided to “get it all out”.  Not real sure why I’m awake at this hour, not that it’s a shocker, most nights are like this.  However, it will only make for a very long day and me trying to figure out why????

I’ve been struggling at time from withholding information from my therapist until I can make some or more sense of what is happening…usually on the inside.  At first, it made complete sense to me- why would I  go in there and say something is bothering me, but I simply don’t know what it is, or why I’m thinking about it??  But isn’t that why I go?  Aren’t we supposed to tackle those “things” together?

As I’ve been laying awake, here is what I believe could be part of this problem:

  • No one believed me as a child, why would anyone start now?
  • Because I wasn’t believed, I must be defective somehow?
  • What if I REALLY say what’s going on inside?  She may think I’m crazy.
  • And if painful memories continue to come back, followed by body memories, will I ever fully be healed?
  • Can I trust God enough to do what He has promised?
  • Will there be an end or even an answer to my past?

If I continue to leave out information, we can’t get to the solution, because she doesn’t know what I know. Sounds like a great idea, right?  Then why is it so difficult.  I completely trust her, she has so much knowledge and background, so very gifted, kind, compassionate, able to push when I need pushed, direct when I am unsure, and she knows God is working in powerful ways- as we are seeing results of that all the time.  She has been and continues to be willing to “strap on our seat belts” and head down this fast track together.

Perhaps I am over-thinking this whole thing!  Or maybe the solution is as simple as  granting myself some grace, learning to breathe, and allowing the people God put in my life to counsel me….to do their job.  God is God, and I am not.  It’s okay to not have all the answers…just breathe.

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Blessings!