Tag Archives: Running

New Day

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for my morning run.  My 4 hrs of sleep yesterday after the session and 4 more last night, made me feel energetic and rejuvenated. I easily forget what it is actually like to get sleep.  Running is easier too; it clears my head, and the conversation is always good and entertaining.giphy1

I’m excited about having some breathing room, so to speak. I don’t have a migraine, chest pains from anxiety, or body memory pain and it feels so exhilarating.  I’m learning to celebrate all the progress along the way…even sleep! It doesn’t take much, huh!

I have a better understanding of what I need to work on, even though it may not be pleasant, it will be healing for me. Steps forward, even small steps, are progress, healing, and healthy. Feeling blessed by how God never leaves me in those places of wilderness.  Somedays it feels like I’m never going to make it out, but it is in those times, I believe, He is the closest and most present.  Imagine wondering around in the wilderness, having no idea where you are going, but at the same time, trusting the One who will lead the way to freedom!

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, and God doesn’t want me to worry about it anyway.  He has my back!

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T I R E D

tumblr_nun9tnZc6j1r1ekaro1_500Last night I slept for 1 hour!  I am exhausted, I feel hollow inside, and very tearful.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to curl up in a blanket and not come out.

Yesterday started with a migraine that I fought all day with meds….not much relief.  I didn’t eat all day, so that me jittery and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I seemed vaguely present to my family, tried to eat a little, but I only wanted to lay down and slip away.  Let another part of me be out instead.

When I decided to get ready for bed, my nose started bleeding out of nowhere, so I washed my face, took my anxiety pill and got into bed.

As I laid there, I said to myself, “I’m going to sleep all night, maybe even get 4-5 hours.”  I feel my body relax, my mind slowing down, and I’m slowly falling asleep…and then BAM!  I get this horrible vision of being sexually abused, and I’m wide awake.  I try to block it, think of something else, pray, anything, but it keeps coming back.

After an hour of so, I find myself over the toilet, throwing up, blood streaming out my nose, and crying.  However, I’m strangely aware that I am not the one doing do it, it’s like I’m hovering over the top.  I can’t make it stop!  It’s like I’m pounding on a glass window for anyone to hear me, “Make it stop!” I go back to bed and just lay there…awake.

1443478247I put on my running clothes, it’s 5:30am, my friend arrives and we run.  I don’t want to stop, I feel in control, I don’t even know how I have any strength- to run.  It helps me, somehow, and for that hour, I tell myself, “I can do this!” When I return, I’m exhausted, dizzy, nauseated, and I want to sleep.  So, I get in the shower, get dressed and head to work.

I don’t feel safe right now.  I can’t fix how I’m feeling or the part of me who is struggling so much on the inside.  It feels out of control.

 

 

What happens on runs, stays on runs.

 

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I love to run in the dark.  Somehow it feels a bit safer to share things when it’s dark.  Maybe it’s me, maybe there is some truth to it as well.

Saturday on my 5 mile run, I experienced an episode that hasn’t happened in a long time. My friend, who I’ve ran with the past 5 years, has gone through many of these episodes with me.  She has been a great friend throughout my DID journey, and has been a huge support, even when we had no idea I had DID (officially).  She was observing my switching before we really knew what was happening.  Now a therapist, she understands, along with myself, all the things that take place when I get triggered.

However, as we ran Saturday we came upon 2 german shepherds along with their owner.  He has taking the trash down the driveway, when the 2 full grown dogs came running to meet us.  Lots of barking, showing of teeth, mean faces, and nips too close for comfort.  We didn’t get bit, my friend may have gotten nipped in the ankle. We made it through without any real danger….or did we?

What my friend didn’t know, and what I wasn’t prepared for was a major trigger and switch.  Those 2 german shepherd dogs were part of my past and a very scary experience.  During the ages 11-12, I took piano lessons, and had to ride my bike to my weekly lesson.  My mom would give me my money, I would put it in my piano book, and head out on my bike.  I didn’t have a bag, so I held the book for the 4 mile trip, down country roads.

At mile 2, I came upon a german shepherd, who always seem be waiting for me. As it ran out of the woods, it would run up along side me and bite at my feet and legs as I rode by the house.  One time, I was almost hit by a car trying to swerve away from the dog.  I also lost my money for the lesson on occasion.  It was terrifying as a young girl.

As my friend and I made it past those 2 dogs and through her neighborhood, my young 12 yr. old, Mary, came out to talk. She spoke to my friend about how she was feeling, she broke down and cried, and wanted to get away.  She shared how she cried every week on her way to the lesson.  She also shared about how the piano teacher would breast feed her child during my lesson.  She remembered having to play the song Scarborough Fair, and not having any idea how it went.  The piano teacher gave her a hard time, for not knowing the song.  She said it was hard to listen to her, because she was feeding her baby that way.

I was able to hear most of what she shared, and it was  difficult to listen to her talk about how scared she was feeling.  It’s hard to hear each part describe events of their past, because I want to do something.

This was new information for me, and even though it doesn’t sound horrible, I hate it for her and that she had to be triggered.  I have always been afraid of german shepherd’s, but I never knew exactly why.  Any dog that even looks like one, makes me completely panicked inside.  I now know why, and I will be more alert in the future.

Later that afternoon, I became instantly sick, out of nowhere!  I was sitting typing this blog and suddenly felt like throwing up.  I had to lay down for a few hours before getting up, but not before I finally threw up!  Trying to put all this information together, but nothing seems to really make sense.  Somedays, I feel like DID takes over and I’m left going along with it all.