Tag Archives: Parts

Parts, Addictions and Withdrawal

I’ve been out of touch for awhile… mainly because I don’t know how to explain the things that have been happening. My journey with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) has had it ups and downs, good and bad days and learning more about myself than I thought was possible. I wouldn’t change a thing because I am putting the pieces of my life back together.

For several months, my therapist and I have been working with Kat, my teenager who has struggled with various addictions. I work for therapist’s who are trained in addictions; I see the struggle people have on a daily basis. This was not going to be easy or quick, but it was possible!

Kat and I are so much alike and yet so different. My therapist has a hard time knowing who she is talking with, as are switching is almost flawless. Yet at the same time, we have completely different personalities (duh)!

She is out-going, fun, adventurous, speaks her mind-freely, confident, hilarious, creative, kind-hearted, always wants everyone to be happy without showing negative emotions. She helps me see the lighter side of life, try new things, gets me out of the dual thinking- right/wrong, good/bad, up/down, and not take myself so seriously. I am grateful for the things she has taught me along the way.

I understand her eating disorder, the struggle to not binge and purge and her need to numb with medication. What I haven’t been able to understand is the cutting, smoking and drinking. It’s amazing how I can hate to smoke or the smell of smoke and yet, I smoke. And what I didn’t realize is that she has a serious drinking problem. I enjoy an occasional drink, but she needs it everyday. This was shocking and yet heart-breaking for me to learn. I understand her using all these behaviors to numb the pain of the abuse she endured. She took all of that for me, so I could survive.

Until recently, she didn’t want anyone to know how much she drank. When she opened up in therapy, my therapist was encouraging, supportive and adamant that she begin the process to stop. We had used EMDR, a few times, with success. One particular session, my therapist used it to target my migraines. We found much needed relief and thought maybe we could target the drinking as well.

Kat hates to talk about painful experiences (but who does). She will avoid, by aggressively escaping any painful situation. The emotions are too much for her. EMDR is a helpful way for her to connect with memories, but not for a long period of time. Like being on a train, seeing the landscape and then moving on to the next scene. She would get an image, connect it with a memory and connect that with wanting to drink.

My therapist felt like EMDR would help her connect the triggers and memories that made her drink. She was right and we began a modified version to help Kat. They would target whatever came up for her each day. We never knew where these sessions would lead, but each of us were willing to go. It was exhausting for her and me both. After each session we would need to go home and sleep; sometimes we never made it out of the parking lot. ūüôā

What I wasn’t prepared for was the withdrawal symptoms. They came mostly in the night; sweating, shaking, chills, weird anxious thoughts, cramps, sometimes vomiting and throughout the day were these flu-like symptoms. It lasted about 5 days and she was did incredibly well. My therapist suggested we do an “in-house” treatment. We wouldn’t go away to treatment, mainly because it would be complicated with being DID. She wanted to see Kat everyday and wanted her to be the one to say what she needed daily. Whew, that was hard all by itself!

We had unfortunate “life events” happen at the end of that first week, but we have continued to battle through. I have been incredibly proud of her, her perseverance, courage and strength. She has faced difficult memories and emotions, but with the help of my therapist and me staying present with her, she is winning! On a side note, my therapist had made the time each day to see her, allowed contact outside of the office, and was willing to go to those ‘hard places’ to help her find freedom. That is priceless and I will never be able to thank her enough!

DID is complicated, a way of survival, a painful and grueling work, sad, confusing, unpredictable, a unique gift from God and yet so delicate to walk through. Learning about each precious part of you that makes up the whole of ¬†who you are….amazing! I am without words, to express my heart-felt gratitude and support of my family, friends and therapist. Truly a BLESSING!

 

 

 

EMDR again…

As with many of my posts, it takes me several days to actually publish what I’ve written. Things seem to change so quickly in my world; I feel like I’ve been swirling, waiting for the ride to stop. I know this is a normal reaction with EMDR. You continue to get more and more information afterwards. It’s difficult with having DID, because you already have so many bits and pieces swirling inside; you don’t need to feel like you’ve been on the Tilt-A-Whirl too!!giphy

During my Friday, long session, we did EMDR for the second time. I was the primary subject and my negative cognition was, “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” I have always taken the blame for things that have happened to us. I’m sure because of my past, the abuse, and how it was projected onto me it’s been my way of thinking-always. Being aware that I do this is one thing, trying to resolve the issue, is quite another.

My ‘damn therapist’ friend, came to my session and joined my T and myself for what turned out to be 2 hours of EMDR and intense emotions. I was overwhelmed with the things it was bringing up from my past: anger, sadness, hurt, and lots of tears. I wasn’t able to get to a place of calm, even my calm place made me cry. I felt so undeserving of my “island getaway” that I couldn’t even¬† continue. My friend would never end EMDR this way in a session, but she knew I wanted to stop and spend some time talking with my T. In the final last hour with my T, together we got me to a place where I could feel okay to leave.

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I always know when things don’t go as well in therapy when my T tells me she will be available if I need to contact her later. I’m extremely grateful that she allows that, but always hoping we won’t need it either. On Friday’s, after therapy, I get a massage. It has become a huge self-care piece for me. It has taken me years to be able to get a massage (for obvious reasons), and now it has been significantly healing. However, I completely zoned out somewhere in the middle and switched. I found out later, my teenage part, B, had gone back to see my therapist. Interestingly, she is my tough, bad ass, take control, get things done, part of me and knowing she went back to talk was a bit shocking. B has grown and matured so much; she wanted to discuss some of the things she learned about herself in EMDR. Most notably, “I can’t fix everything”!!!!! OMG, that was HUGE! What a break-through for her and myself. I was so stinkin’ proud of her!! ūüôā

My therapist had shared with me about their conversation and we both felt like this was an extremely beneficial session. Not only for me, but for others inside. I am realizing there is still information I am unaware of. I believe that my T and B talked about it on the steps of her office. These are the things with EMDR that keep downloading in my head, while I’m trying to make sense of it all.

I’ve been journaling, and trying to keep myself distracted, which isn’t really working. My dad’s birthday is today; that is painful all on it’s own. He has hurt us in so many ways and I don’t want to give him any head-space, whatsoever. But it keeps invading my mind, thinking, and memories all at the same time.

Overall, it was an encouraging and beneficial session. I will probably do this again on Friday. Hopefully, I will have more information and a little more closure on things. It is a risky tool to use with DID, but at this point in my healing, I think it is needed. It is also being done by a gifted, seasoned and caring therapist, who is my friend. She would never put me in a situation that would be harmful…my own T wouldn’t allow that either! I am blessed to have two people who care so deeply about me. Makes me cry just typing it out!

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

“Extreme¬†and¬†undesirable¬†circumstances¬†or¬†situations¬†can¬†only¬†be¬†resolved¬†by¬†resorting¬†to¬†equally¬†extreme¬†actions;¬†actions that might seem extreme under normal circumstances are appropriate during adversity.”¬†

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As I shared in my last post, I was completely undone by a blindsided experience. It was the proverbial ‘last straw’ in a series of events that have been going for the past 4 weeks. During therapy Friday, my 3 hour session was jam packed with my teenage part doing some incredibly hard work. Kat had walked out of therapy on Tuesday with every intention to end her life, which in turn means mine as well. When parts engage in active suicidal ideation, they need to understand that they aren’t the only ones affected by the action. We all will be victim to whatever is done.

Kat is my part that has several addictive behaviors and they have been extremely evident during these past 4 wks. It has been wearisome and heartbreaking for me to deal with the ways she harms herself. We had made some excellent progress and it was breaking my heart to see her suffer. Tuesday she was the lowest she’s ever been; she stood up to walk out of therapy, as she reached for the doorknob, she turned back, faced my therapist and said, “You have to let me go.” My T took her by the hands and said, “Absolutely not! Never, not going to happen; no!”¬†They hugged and Kat walked out! My T was very worried but had another client waiting.

My T always hates when she doesn’t get to talk to ‘me’ during a session, especially in times like these. However, what we weren’t aware of, is that God had a plan for Kat. She walked to my car with every intention to take a bottle of pills followed by a bottle of vodka, but something within her shifted. She walked back into office, sat down in the waiting area, (since my T was in a session) and waited. While she sat there, she picked up a book, a devotional called,¬†Jesus Today: Experience Hope Through His Presence.¬†¬†

She turned to that days devotional and read this:¬†“Nothing can separate you from God‚Äôs love. When you are facing tough times, I will help you and strengthen you with My Love. ¬†Even though you live in a world where trouble is inescapable, you can be of good cheer because I have overcome the world!‚ÄĚ

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In that moment, God reached down and met Kat in her hopelessness. He saved her, all of us, from harm. God says in Hebrews 13:5,¬†‚ÄúI will never leave you.¬†I will never desert you.‚Ä̬†Grateful, thankful, blessed, are all I can say about what took place in that moment! God loves each and every part of me, period! He created a way for me to survive horrible abuse.¬†Dissociation is a gift from God that allows people to cope when they would otherwise turn to suicide or mentally locked up because of the trauma. It is a lifesaving technique for survival.

When Kat returned to therapy on Friday, she apologized to my T and they were able to address the issues that surrounded her behaviors. I can’t put into words just how amazing my T was that day, actually she is amazing most days! It was a major step forward in Kat’s healing and us as a whole. And then I was blindside, once again, 2 hours later…

I went home, completely shut down, cried until I couldn’t breathe, told my husband I couldn’t do this again, wanted to die and asked him to call and admit me somewhere. I sent an email to my therapist, who unfortunately was involved in this blindside, and told her I wouldn’t be back. I was emotionally broken and exhausted. I thanked her for her incredible work with us all. Of course she was confused and wanted to get to the bottom of whatever the issue was. I didn’t respond and went to bed emotional, numb and extremely worn down. In the morning, she sent another email saying she didn’t agree with me- shocker! ¬†I had said it was my job to protect us all from enduring another blindside and from continuing on with therapy…she didn’t agree!

She said, “I don’t know why we can’t handle this like everything else: by me showing up, talking to parts affected, finding out what was done to me, so that we can dismantle it.” She had a few revelations and suggested we meet to discuss them in person- if I felt it was a good idea. It was Saturday; she was willing to meet me because allowing¬†anything to get in the way of my progress wasn’t going to happen. I have no words for her kindness, care, generosity, grace and a willingness to fight for my freedom!

We started at 12:30PM and ended at 5:00PM…desperate times call for desperate measures! Together, we dug in, worked incredibly hard and didn’t quit until we unraveled every piece to this puzzle. All I can say is, thank you Jesus! I feel completely different today, like whatever was squeezing the life out of me, is gone! I’m hoping this chapter of my life is over and we can move forward in the healing process. Grateful, Thankful, Blessed!

Blindsided…again!

I hate that feeling when you get blindsided! Good ol’ Webster defines blindsided as, to surprise or shock (someone) in a very unpleasant way.¬†But what if the person(s) don’t intend for this to happen? What if you walk into this, “surprise or shock in a very unpleasant way?” I guess it’s still being blindsided…right??wp-1457584054776

Recently I’ve experience a few of these blindsides and it has been very undoing. I used to be someone who could handle these types of events. Now when they happen, not only is it happening to me, it’s happening to my inside community. I not only have to protect myself, but these precious parts as well. Because this it what if feels like…giphySometimes the blindsides are on purpose, like the one in the gif above and other times, it just happens. In either case, you’re never really prepared. That is the piece that sucks! What do you do when you walk right into one, on accident. When tears fill your eyes and you feel this sickness in the pit of your stomach? You feel frozen, you can’t move, but you have to get away. Does that make you a coward? Is it your problem you can’t handle things? Is it okay to feel hurt by it? So many questions…all without an answer. And what if it is being done by someone you trust and care about? They are just doing life. But it just so happens that part of them doing life has had a negative affect on you!

I’m feeling knocked down today. Even after a pretty good therapy session. It’s weird how quickly things can change.

 

Migraine: Takes Me Out Again

Had my long session yesterday and my part teen part, K, shared another memory. I had woken up with a huge bruise on my right calf, Tuesday, then on Thursday had another bruise on my left calf- both in the same place. I could tell I had lost some time prior to therapy and figured K didn’t want to share this information. She didn’t want to talk about the memory, but my T was so helpful and encouraging to her. I’m grateful for the relationship my T has with not only me, but each part of me! giphyDuring my session I had a migraine develop, my T helped K by walking her through the pain, but it came back after the session.

I sat in my car, like usual, debating whether to take a chance and head to work knowing I was getting a migraine or going home and getting into bed. The tears began to run down my face as I started to think about what I had heard for the past 2.5 hrs. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out the memory or why I developed the bruising. But hearing it out loud, well that’s a whole other deal! One more thing to try and wrap my mind around, how could a parent do this to their child??

Just when I think I am getting close to the end, memories like this surface and take me out! My drive home was emotional and I hoped the migraine wouldn’t get worse before I could take my meds. I notified my husband and “damn therapist friends” to say I was headed home. Being alone after therapy, especially difficult sessions like this one, is never a good idea. My husband had the day off, and that made going home an easy choice. When I get a migraine, the best thing is to be in my own bed…that is the only good thing about it!

Considering more EMDR regarding my issues of canceling therapy because I feel like $$ is an issue, trying to fix myself before I get to therapy (seriously), and being responsible, or at least feeling like I need to be responsible for everything. My therapist suggested doing this, but I wasn’t sure. I have to ask for help from another person, to do EMDR, and that makes it harder. Of course, my therapist jumped all over that too, saying she didn’t have any issues asking the therapist to come back again. Ugh! I know it will be a good idea, and very helpful for me in the long run…

Today I’m feeling tired and worn out from the long session, the migraine, and all the meds it takes to knock me out. I have felt very emotional and have cried off and on most of the day. It’s all normal, but I’m ready to move to another season of life. Trusting that God has this and me, and will never leave or abandon me in this place!!

 

M.I.T.~ Missing in Therapy II

Over the weekend the pain returned and by Monday morning I couldn’t sit; the pain was horrible. By 9:30AM, I was texting my therapist for help! We knew there was one more part affected by this pain, we didn’t get to her last week and I was sure this was all about her. My therapist asked me to come that afternoon at 1PM; we would have a 2hr slot to work. ¬†Even though I had a session on Tuesday, she didn’t want me to experience the uncomfortable pain any longer. I’m starting to feel like I should pay rent to her office.¬†

We talked some about what I could remember or not in regards to this 7yr. part (k). I didn’t have much, only a few scattered and broken pieces of memories, none of it really made sense. If you’ve been following my blog, this is the young part who we got the doll baby for ¬†in December. She was so excited to get this sweet doll, who she named Lily. I was told by the inside to bring the doll to therapy, and I’m so glad I did.

FullSizeRenderMy therapist stepped out for a quick moment; I had already switched and was laying on the couch curled up in a ball, afraid and in intense pain. My T walked over, picked Lily up, out of the bag, and held her in her arms. She talked about the day they went shopping for her, how sweet, cute and cuddly she is, that she was so thankful the k finally had her doll. This set the stage for trust and reassurance for k to share her memories and abuse. She took Lily and told my T to smell her, “Cause she smell like cookies”, k said. My T leaned over and smelled Lily, and sure enough, she said, “Yes, I never noticed before. Almost like vanilla. That makes her even more special.”

My T began to tell k that she realizes it’s hard to talk about these kinds of things, that she is completely safe, that she will be right her with her, holding her hand and everything was going to be okay. She also addressed the fact that k always wants her mom, but that isn’t possible, and she never believed her anyway. My therapist said, she could tell her the things like she was a mom (which she is), because good mom’s believe their kids and want to protect and care for them. k began to share the most hideous, terrifying, and sickening things I could have ever imagine a 7yr old experiencing.

This is where the mom in me cannot understand how a mother can let this happen?? How she simply doesn’t know it took place, and in her denial makes it unimaginably worse for her daughter! What the HELL!! I will NEVER understand this, ever! Abuse to anyone is ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong, but to a child…that takes it to another level that is not only¬†appalling, but barbaric!

I guess I am feeling some major anger inside…as I should. I know it is the past, I cannot fix her or what happened and there isn’t any reason to try. What is best for all of us, is for me to love, support, nurture, and encourage them. Remind them that they are safe and loved, something they never had, ever! I am extremely proud of k for her courage and bravery, her strength and faith. She is strong but sweet!

My pain ended officially that day…it always amazes me how that happens. I am grateful, blessed, and encouraged that this “anniversary date/month” has almost come to an end. We fought hard, came out better and stronger. I understand more of my past, and it only validates and confirms why I need to continue zero contact with my family! ¬†It isn’t easy some days, but I can NEVER put any of us through this again. Sometimes cutting off all contact and communication is the only safe and healthy thing to do for YOURSELF. ¬†Even if they or whomever, doesn’t understand, it really doesn’t matter….because it’s not about them. We have to take care of ourselves. Do what is best for ourselves. It isn’t selfish, wrong, bad, or shameful….it’s called FREEDOM to HEAL!

I pray for the person reading this today, that needs to hear, “You are not alone, it’s okay to do what is necessary to heal and be free.”

I Think I’m Done

This week has had some great things and some really shitty things happen. The medication I started last week has kept me more focused, less dissociated and the biggest thing….SLEEP! ¬†I know it’s only been 5 days, but I am up to 5-6 hours of sleep, this is twice as much as normal. ¬†I am grateful that my doctor was willing to experiment and listen to my suggestion. ¬†No one knew how it would work; I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m celebrating the sleep that is happening right now!

Back to the title of this blog…somewhere along the way I feel as though I am not doing well with myself, in therapy that is. I haven’t been able to get myself to the place, that my parts have, with my therapist. ¬†Maybe the reality for me is too much. I wasn’t worth shit to my parents, wasn’t valuable enough to fight for, protect, or even keep from abusing. The thought of lying down, in a street, for cars to run over me, sounds like a great idea right now!

Over four years of working my ass off, in therapy, to get where….laying in the street?? It’s clear I’m doing the whole ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ thing. My catastrophic thinking is in full gear. ¬†I didn’t go to therapy Tuesday, not going tomorrow. Hmmm, I’m doing really well! SHIT!

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Friday Meltdown Part 2

In my last post¬†,¬†I shared about what happened after last Friday’s therapy session. ¬†I was not involved/present during the session, which I did on purpose. ¬†My little one’s had planned to visit with my T and I didn’t want to be there. ¬†That probably sounds bizarre, why would I choose not to be present during therapy. ¬†It was the questioning of my friend, the “damn therapist”, that triggered feelings I was completely unaware were buried. The question as to why I chose¬†not to be present in that session left me with¬†swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly.

While crying in my closet (my crying place), I realized the one person who could help me, put words as to why I wasn’t present, and get me to a calm place, was my therapist. I have been working intensely toward being honest and upfront with my T about my past, how I’m really feeling, and what I need. It isn’t comfortable at times, but extremely necessary and important. ¬†With that in mind, I apprehensively called my T. Not gonna lie, there was a moment when I felt like, ¬†“What if she answers; what will I actually say?” LOL

Of course she answered, asked if I was okay, and right away I started crying all over again. Seriously, I couldn’t even hold it together for a, “Hi, how are you?” Ugh! ¬†I told her that I had been asked about why I chose not to be present during the session; she wanted to know as well. Shocker!! I began by saying it was, at times, uncomfortable to see myself sitting there as a child (but 47 yrs old), listening to my T read my favorite picture books, and feeling so at ease. It’s hard to wrap my head around all that, but I know this is how it all works.

The biggest reason- my mom never read to me, but the babysitter did. The lady who babysat for me (5 yrs old) and my siblings, was married to a pedophile who would sexually abuse me when he came home for lunch. When he would leave, she would rock me in a chair and read books to me…like somehow that was going to fix the problem!!! ¬†Later, when I was 19, I started therapy for my eating disorder. My first attempt at therapy, and I only went because my really good friend/mentor was noticing I was acting strange when it came time to eat. ¬†She was the first person I told about being bulimic, she freaked out, and like a good codependent (didn’t have a clue what that was at 19), she found me a therapist, drove me there, and had actually met with her once because she didn’t think it was going well-yikes!

I began to share with this friend, things no one knew about me. I trusted her with information, but mostly she was the first person I thought truly cared about me. She saw the dysfunctional relationship with my mom and was shocked by her constant behavior towards me. It was soothing to have someone care, encourage, and love me for who I was. ¬†She allowed me to be a part of their family, watch their kids, and see what a loving family looked like. ¬†Unfortunately, she saw me as her child, and wanted to mother me through these difficult days…that’s when I learned the word codependent. Her intentions were good, but unhealthy. And one day, after therapy, I drove to her house and broke down emotionally about not having a mom who loved me unconditionally. I was grieving something I would never have, sad for always being criticized and judged, and pretending that we had this “great family”. She walked across the room, sat with me in the chair and rocked back and forth. Moments later, she was reading a children’s book to me and thinking it would bring a sense of comfort and peace. My child parts (I was unaware of at the time) attached to this lady who was very kind and loving. I remember feeling very small in that moment; I just didn’t know why.

2o+ years later, I see all the unhealthy attachment there, my therapist, at the time, saw it and point it out to me too. I wish I knew then what I know now, but we all could say that, and it isn’t helpful for today. I don’t have any connection with this friend; we live hundreds of miles apart. There is so much more about all that, but it will have to be another day, another post.

So, that is why I didn’t want to be in session. I was unable to separate myself enough to see the healthy parts of it, enjoy being there, and seeing this as a new and positive experience. All of this new information surfaced, became overwhelming and I was completely taken out emotionally. My T thanked me for being vulnerable, honest, and calling. She understood why I did what I did, and said we could work through it when I was ready…which is therapist code for “we will be talking about it next session”. ¬†I know how those “damn therapists” work; they aren’t fooling me. LOL

The problem with working through the issue came when I didn’t go to therapy today…I took the day off to work outside in the flower beds, knowing that I really don’t know what I’m doing. ¬†My mom always did the flowers, because I could never “get the right things”, “plant them correctly”, or do “enough to make it look good”. Another mental block where she is concerned and it paralyzed me again today. ¬†First it was the books and now flowers!! ¬†OMG

 

New Medication/Friday Meltdown Part 1

This weekend I started a new medication to help keep me focused, hopefully from dissociating as much during the day, maybe help with night switching (so I can sleep), and even keep me from going down that path of depression. ¬†I have been on it for 3days, it works immediately, meaning it doesn’t take 2 weeks to get into my system, and so far so good. ¬†I noticed I didn’t have difficulty on Mother’s Day with dissociating or feeling sadness, like I usually do on those holidays. Everything with medications and DID are trial and error, so this is an experiment for the next 30 days. ¬†Looking forward to more of these “focused” days, less sadness, and maybe, just maybe, more sleep!!

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On Friday, I had a shorter therapy session, and my little ones spent the entire time with my T. They had wanted a time to read books and give her some things they had made/colored. I was aware of the special session, but wasn’t sure if I would be “present” for any period of time. As it turned out, I didn’t even drive us there! ¬†My teenage part, who loves to hang out with my T, drove to the session and then to my work afterwards. I was in the parking lot at my office, when I realized I missed the entire session. My teenager spent some time getting caught up with my T and the little ones had the final hour. ¬†They had made her a Mother’s Day card, along with (there new love of) origami. My T filled me in later, so I would know what all took place. ¬†She sent a picture of the card; it was so cute I wanted to share what they wrote:

Happy Mothers Day (front of card)

 

Flowers are beautiful just like you.
And even though you are not our mom…
We want to say Happy Mother’s Day to YOU!! (inside)

They all signed their names on the back, cut hearts out of construction paper, glued them all over the card, brought her flowers, and gave her strawberry Laffy Taffy (because who doesn’t love that??) LOL! ¬†Honestly, it was very sweet and I’m glad she sent me some pictures. They think she is a “really nice friend who helps and prays for them” and I’m glad they see her that way. My T has done an incredible job helping them understand that I am a Mom to them, not her. It has prevented potential attachment issues along the way, which has made it less confusing for all of us.

When I arrived at the office, I felt a weird sense of not being at therapy, even though I was there for 90 minutes. Usually, what happens is, I get shut out because a part doesn’t want me to be there, or I choose not to hear due to¬†the nature of the memories being shared. This was simply another part stepping in, taking them, and bringing me to work…no biggie, right??

I probably wouldn’t have put much thought into it, but one of those “damn therapist’s” asked me how therapy went…My response was, “I think it went well, I wasn’t there.”¬†She looked at me a bit puzzled, then I explained how I knew today was different, and my little ones were going to have “their own time” in therapy. Now for the average person, they would have simply said, “Oh, okay.” But not that “damn therapist”, she went on to ask another question; what is the deal with therapist’s and asking a shit load of questions all the time?? Ha Ha!

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The next question was why didn’t I stay present to what was going on, don’t I usually listen/watch when I can? And then I felt the sharp pain! She wasn’t aware, but I certainly was, aware of how that question cut into the core of me. I blew it off quickly by saying I didn’t really want to be there for all that stuff. I’m a grown woman, and it’s hard to watch myself curl up on the couch, next to my therapist, to read children’s books (and that part was true). End of conversation….but not my swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly!

By the time I began the drive home, the tears started streaming down my face, and I couldn’t shake the grief that was attached to the question, “Why wasn’t I present in therapy?” I believe I knew the answer and the answer was too painful. ¬†When I arrived home, my husband greeted me as always, asked how my day went, and if I remembered it was Steak and Beer night?? Duh.¬†*Every Friday my husband works half days, and makes the same meal for our family, or whomever decides to join. Steak, baked¬†potatoes, marinated mushrooms, salad, corn, rolls… It is awesome!

It didn’t take long for him to notice that I had been crying, and then I literally lost it in the kitchen. I couldn’t stop crying! I was undone about it being Mother’s Day, not having communication with her (my mom) anymore, seeing cards and flowers at every store, listening to radio stations say all this sweet crap about mom’s, and now something about therapy set off triggers! ¬†I had remembered I read my personality thought of the day, which said this…

Type One EnneaThought: ¬†“It usually takes time to notice that you need something, especially in the area of emotional needs. But when you do realize what you really feel, by all means let others know.”

Ugh! ¬†I went into my closet, changed my clothes, sat on the floor, cried, and thought about¬†what “I needed emotionally”!! What did I need to do to get answers to what was happening to me? ¬†I will share what I finally decided in my next post.

Honesty Goes a Long Way

My Friday session went well. I was able to bring the things I’d been journaling, learning from the past, and memories¬†that were surfacing. I cried a lot, was able to share about my abandonment issues I had toward my T, and be honest about all of it. None of it was easy, but very necessary. ¬†One thing I realized, while discussing my past was always feeling as if people would walk out of my life, but actually it’s from my own pushing away. If I push other’s out, then they can’t leave me. This isn’t a new revelation, but it was new in regards to a therapist I used to see.

I had seen this T in 1989-90 for my eating disorder. My bulimia had been the worst it ever been, and my friend begged me to get help. This was the second T I’d ever seen, and she seem to understand eating disorders and what I was going through. Actually, she was the last therapist I’d seen since I met my current T. ¬†There was some major abandonment there, and it’s probably why I never looked for another therapist in 22 years! ¬†I couldn’t bear having another person “see me, know me and care about me” and then leave. My thinking about how all that happened was distorted and we were able to talk through that, it detail, on Friday.

My T reminded me that she is NOT leaving and she is walking this journey, along side me, until the end! It brought an instant tightening of my chest and a pool of tears in my eyes. Seriously, you WANT to do this??? You really do CARE about me?? You are not going to leave ME?? ¬†Why not?? No one wants to hear all this crap! Those were huge pieces to let settle within my mind in that moment. Honesty is a funny thing, once you start….it just keeps going! ¬†And then you’re like, “Did I just say all that?” LOL

giphy“I can always find someone
To say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don’t want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.”

Wow! Sorry, I got a bit lost in Billy Joel. ūüôā

Anyway, I felt good. ¬†A bit nervous about my honesty, as it felt a bit exposing, but overall we had a great discussion. ¬†I had some things that the little ones inside wanted to share with her, and I have wondered how the newer parts were doing, since we really haven’t revisited them. But we didn’t have time to get to all of that.

Then about 3AM I woke up with the onset of a migraine-WTF! Really? Can’t I have one day of reprieve? Now what? I started by taking allergy medication, hoping once again it was an allergy….as you can guess, it was a no go. ¬†By 7AM I was beginning the migraine regimen and preparing for a day laying in bed. And that is exactly what happened….out for the day! I hate the feeling, but almost hate the day after even more. I feel hungover, have zero energy, and go from the couch to the chair because I feel so lethargic.

Of course there was this added piece I haven’t had before, and that was this horrible hip and upper leg pain. ¬†I thought at first it was because I laid in bed all day, but I’ve done that several times and never had this feeling afterwards. ¬†So now I’m curious as to what caused this pain, if it is medication, parts of me, laying in bed…very perplexing. ¬†I sent a text to my T, telling her I had another migraine. Since she reminded me of my lack of communication the week before, I knew it was important to let her know.

She wanted to know if I felt up to talking on the phone Saturday, but I was “out” and not able to talk, then Sunday she asked if I wanted to come in on Monday, but she doesn’t see clients that day…so why should she have to come in for me?? ¬†I’ve been told, by “those damn therapist” friends of mine, that it’s not up to me to worry about my T schedule. But it is hard for me to think she would care enough to the make time. As she puts it, “No need less suffering allowed.” I’m learning….and trying!