Tag Archives: Pain

Damn Migraines

It’s been a week ago today that I have had reoccurring migraines! My therapist has been on vacation since last Wednesday, I’m too freaking prideful to call and ask her to talk (not like she can cure it), and I’m walking around like a fucking zombie because of all the meds! My husband and boys have to take care of me, since I can barely get out of bed. It seriously hurts to eat crackers so I can take my meds that knock me out. And I’m pretty sure I look like the lady in that pic….damn migraines!!

I know it’s connected to trauma, memories and flashbacks I had after my last therapy session. The timing sucks that my T is gone until next week. Can I even make another 5 days with this pain??

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Migraine: Takes Me Out Again

Had my long session yesterday and my part teen part, K, shared another memory. I had woken up with a huge bruise on my right calf, Tuesday, then on Thursday had another bruise on my left calf- both in the same place. I could tell I had lost some time prior to therapy and figured K didn’t want to share this information. She didn’t want to talk about the memory, but my T was so helpful and encouraging to her. I’m grateful for the relationship my T has with not only me, but each part of me! giphyDuring my session I had a migraine develop, my T helped K by walking her through the pain, but it came back after the session.

I sat in my car, like usual, debating whether to take a chance and head to work knowing I was getting a migraine or going home and getting into bed. The tears began to run down my face as I started to think about what I had heard for the past 2.5 hrs. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out the memory or why I developed the bruising. But hearing it out loud, well that’s a whole other deal! One more thing to try and wrap my mind around, how could a parent do this to their child??

Just when I think I am getting close to the end, memories like this surface and take me out! My drive home was emotional and I hoped the migraine wouldn’t get worse before I could take my meds. I notified my husband and “damn therapist friends” to say I was headed home. Being alone after therapy, especially difficult sessions like this one, is never a good idea. My husband had the day off, and that made going home an easy choice. When I get a migraine, the best thing is to be in my own bed…that is the only good thing about it!

Considering more EMDR regarding my issues of canceling therapy because I feel like $$ is an issue, trying to fix myself before I get to therapy (seriously), and being responsible, or at least feeling like I need to be responsible for everything. My therapist suggested doing this, but I wasn’t sure. I have to ask for help from another person, to do EMDR, and that makes it harder. Of course, my therapist jumped all over that too, saying she didn’t have any issues asking the therapist to come back again. Ugh! I know it will be a good idea, and very helpful for me in the long run…

Today I’m feeling tired and worn out from the long session, the migraine, and all the meds it takes to knock me out. I have felt very emotional and have cried off and on most of the day. It’s all normal, but I’m ready to move to another season of life. Trusting that God has this and me, and will never leave or abandon me in this place!!

 

M.I.T.~ Missing in Therapy II

Over the weekend the pain returned and by Monday morning I couldn’t sit; the pain was horrible. By 9:30AM, I was texting my therapist for help! We knew there was one more part affected by this pain, we didn’t get to her last week and I was sure this was all about her. My therapist asked me to come that afternoon at 1PM; we would have a 2hr slot to work.  Even though I had a session on Tuesday, she didn’t want me to experience the uncomfortable pain any longer. I’m starting to feel like I should pay rent to her office. 

We talked some about what I could remember or not in regards to this 7yr. part (k). I didn’t have much, only a few scattered and broken pieces of memories, none of it really made sense. If you’ve been following my blog, this is the young part who we got the doll baby for  in December. She was so excited to get this sweet doll, who she named Lily. I was told by the inside to bring the doll to therapy, and I’m so glad I did.

FullSizeRenderMy therapist stepped out for a quick moment; I had already switched and was laying on the couch curled up in a ball, afraid and in intense pain. My T walked over, picked Lily up, out of the bag, and held her in her arms. She talked about the day they went shopping for her, how sweet, cute and cuddly she is, that she was so thankful the k finally had her doll. This set the stage for trust and reassurance for k to share her memories and abuse. She took Lily and told my T to smell her, “Cause she smell like cookies”, k said. My T leaned over and smelled Lily, and sure enough, she said, “Yes, I never noticed before. Almost like vanilla. That makes her even more special.”

My T began to tell k that she realizes it’s hard to talk about these kinds of things, that she is completely safe, that she will be right her with her, holding her hand and everything was going to be okay. She also addressed the fact that k always wants her mom, but that isn’t possible, and she never believed her anyway. My therapist said, she could tell her the things like she was a mom (which she is), because good mom’s believe their kids and want to protect and care for them. k began to share the most hideous, terrifying, and sickening things I could have ever imagine a 7yr old experiencing.

This is where the mom in me cannot understand how a mother can let this happen?? How she simply doesn’t know it took place, and in her denial makes it unimaginably worse for her daughter! What the HELL!! I will NEVER understand this, ever! Abuse to anyone is ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong, but to a child…that takes it to another level that is not only appalling, but barbaric!

I guess I am feeling some major anger inside…as I should. I know it is the past, I cannot fix her or what happened and there isn’t any reason to try. What is best for all of us, is for me to love, support, nurture, and encourage them. Remind them that they are safe and loved, something they never had, ever! I am extremely proud of k for her courage and bravery, her strength and faith. She is strong but sweet!

My pain ended officially that day…it always amazes me how that happens. I am grateful, blessed, and encouraged that this “anniversary date/month” has almost come to an end. We fought hard, came out better and stronger. I understand more of my past, and it only validates and confirms why I need to continue zero contact with my family!  It isn’t easy some days, but I can NEVER put any of us through this again. Sometimes cutting off all contact and communication is the only safe and healthy thing to do for YOURSELF.  Even if they or whomever, doesn’t understand, it really doesn’t matter….because it’s not about them. We have to take care of ourselves. Do what is best for ourselves. It isn’t selfish, wrong, bad, or shameful….it’s called FREEDOM to HEAL!

I pray for the person reading this today, that needs to hear, “You are not alone, it’s okay to do what is necessary to heal and be free.”

And Then it Happened, the Shocker

My therapy was moved an hour and a half later on Tuesday.  It was a last minute change, which in the past, would upset me to no end.  Now, it is easier because I know her personality type and since I know mine well, I can see things from her perspective. I also like to think I’ve grown and handle things better too. My learning about personality types has been a valuable tool in my life, relationships, and therapy. Finding something that helps us with transformation, as well as understanding and having compassion for others, benefits everyone.  This personality tool has been a huge blessing in understanding my parts’ personalities too.  Anyway, I could go on and on about that…..

My other teenager, who I’ll call B, came that day because this month is her hardest trauma from the past.  She, unlike my other teenage part, is athletic, strong, direct, no nonsense, leader, and the protector of the system.  She has endured horrible things on my behalf when I was engaged to a guy I met in college.  March was the month of the engagement, and also the intensity of sexual abuse.  It breaks my heart when I hear of the horrific events in my life, she protected me from. Blessed and saddened by it all.

This month is also when I experience some my worst pain (body memories).  The abuse was intense,  I had to have reconstructive surgery in 2003, to repair the rectal damage. This pain is my least favorite, for obvious reasons, and for B as well.  Up to now, she has shared all the abuse, so you can understand my shock and confusion, when it flared up again.  She hates to be vulnerable, doesn’t want to appear weak, and only says the bare minimum, unless you ask specifically.  It is frustrating at times, but because I know her personality type, I get it. She does not trust well or many people. My T and her have an incredible relationship; they respect each other a great deal. My T also requests her help, at times, to get the inside system running smoothly when it gets out of hand.

As B was sharing some life events, that were all new to me, she and I began to experience horrible pain.  She had told about the day in 1989 when, my then, fiancé’s parents met mine for the first time, to go over wedding plans.  It was so enlightening for me to hear it, and nothing came as surprise.  How terrible for anyone to endure a day of people judging, manipulating, criticizing, and being down right mean.  As the pain became increasingly worse, and I was unsure of the source, or if she had more trauma to share. Suddenly, I became unaware of anything else from that point…

The next thing I knew, I was outside, down the sidewalk from my T office, and sitting on the curb. I got up, dazed, a bit confused, and headed to my car.  No keys, no phone, no purse, not sure of the time, no purse, what the *****.  Now, I’m faced with having to walk back into the office, hoping she isn’t in session, and locating my purse, keys, and phone.  Thankfully, I had 20 minutes left in my session, so I walked back in and hoped she could explain what happened.

Apparently when the pain intensified, B, who we knew had a split part, male, named Scott, abruptly came out. He put an end to the discussion, stating He no longer wanted B to suffer through this crap (he used lots of bad words). He paced around her office, was angry, unwilling to listen to my T, and wanted nothing to do with saying what was really going on.  My T is a smart lady, she knew he was hiding something, called him out on it, and said he was afraid.  All of that was true, however, he wasn’t going to budge…so he walked out!  That is why I was outside.

All along, we have thought he simply came in, like a knight in shining armor and saved her from anymore abuse. We didn’t think he had part of the trauma too.  You can imagine my shock in hearing he did, indeed, have trauma; he is a guy, and the abuse was in an extremely bad place. It was too much for me, and I grabbed my things, paid my money, and headed to the door.  As I reached for the doorknob, I turned around,  asked my T, “Are we going to be okay?”  she smiled, that familiar, compassionate smile and responded, “Yes, you are all going to be okay.” 

The rest of the day, and the following were filled with anxiety and concern as to what needed to happen next.  I knew that B and Scott had to figure out the next steps. Ultimately, he must share, like every part has done, to experience freedom and stop the pain from happening to him, B and myself.  Lots of emails between my T and B took place that next day, which led to an idea and potential solution.

Lots of prayers, and trusting God for the outcome, were at the forefront of my mind.  I am a “fix it” kind of person, so this was difficult for me to let my parts work out the details of what would take place during the Thursday session.  I’m glad that God is in control, although sometimes I think I am, His ways are ALWAYS best and PERFECT!

*My next post will have what took place Thursday….I’m a few days behind.

Get Aways are Always Good!

This weekend I was able to get away with a really good friend of mine who shares my love for basketball.  Every March, we go watch NCAA Women’s Basketball.  This year, we went out of town, got a hotel room, left our hubby’s at home, and watched basketball for 2 straight days!  No worries, cooking, laundry, cleaning, or stress- just a little March Madness baby!

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It feels like, for that short amount of time, the difficult things of my life are put on hold. My friend is very aware of my DID, she actually was one of the first people who really saw my parts begin to present themselves, and has been a huge support for me.  Outside of my husband, boys, and therapist, I have trusted her with much of my journey with DID.  She recently become a therapist, and has an advantage that most “everyday” people don’t have.  We had a great time together, like similar things, and even enjoyed worshipping between games.  She has an incredible voice and plays guitar.

One thing that you can’t get away from, when you actually get away, is yourself. Because…6a0112792c2d9d28a401157122656e970c

That means for me, the dreams, memories, and body memories that I have been struggling with before I left, go with me, no matter where I go.  I’m glad my friend doesn’t get freaked out when I have nightmares or talk in my sleep.  She is pretty cool with all that at this point in our friendship.  Unfortunately, I have been experiencing some rather uncomfortable pain.  At times it feels unbearable, but mostly uncomfortable. I tried not to let it ruin my weekend, or consume my thoughts, but that wasn’t always possible.

For today,  I’m thankful for a time of relaxation and hanging out with my friend.  I’m thankful for a sweet husband who is good with me getting away and supporting my trip. Even though I had a some rough patches along the way, it was fun and much needed!

Answers, Sadness, Migraine, Hope

27613-dont-worry-god-control-800x600I was able to work through some of the difficult emotions I shared in my last post. Pushing through and allowing myself to feel each one was difficult, yet necessary.  It was okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and even cry about what was happening.  The challenging piece was to share it with those people in my life that I had attached to those feelings.  I managed well, and we are stronger because of it all.

My teenage part was able to share her secret with me.  I must say, I didn’t handle it well.  It wasn’t that I was angry at her for what she did, I felt responsible that she had to, once again, protect me from “life”.  It made me sad for her, and I desperately wanted to take that pain away.  Of course, I blame myself, because ultimately it’s my life that I can’t handle. Hence the vicious cycle of having DID…thankful for the parts of me, feel responsible for what they endured, grateful that they protected me, sad they had to suffer horrific events…

Another thing I didn’t handle well was I walked out of my therapy session with 30 minutes left…which was not my finest hour for sure.  My therapist had shared ahead of time what my teenager had to tell with me was not “that bad”.  So, when she finished telling me what she had done, I was shocked, and completely taken by surprise.  I sat there for a minute or two and thought, what am I going to say? My therapist didn’t think it was a big deal, and I am devastated by this news!  I got up, paid her, and said I was leaving.

I spent 30 minutes walking around, unsure of what to do, say, think, etc.  I cried nonstop, wanted to numb, dissociate, anything to make it go away. I made it back to my car and went to work.  By 7:30 that night, I was nauseated and headed for bed. Shame swirled and engulfed the insides of me for failing to deal with issues, and causing  parts of me to suffer once again.  It seemed to consume every fiber of my being; it was all I thought about as I lay awake all night.

When I got to work yesterday, the migraine began to set in fairly quickly.  I knew it was my teenager struggling, probably with my reaction to her news.  Even though I reassured her, it was not her fault, no blame, she did what she felt needed to be done and I wasn’t upset or angry with her at all.  It’s hard to understand, I’m sure from her perspective, that I would need time to process and “feel” this new information.  She wants me to be okay, happy, and not the cause of my grief.  I understand, but I still have to “feel” the feelings, or it will cause much more pain down the road.

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I know she is struggling with wanting to drink and cut right now, because I can feel it.  It is hard to explain how, exactly, but I can feel it inside.  I am encouraging her to share and open up as much as she can.  She does message our therapist, which is good for her right now.  Grateful that she can do that, and it is acceptable with my T. She sent some messages this morning, and that is encouraging to me.  Isolation is never the answer for anyone of us, even though it is awfully tempting.

While I was getting ready this morning, I heard a song on Air1, called Flawless, by MeryMe.  I immediately pulled it up on my computer and watched the lyric video (which I am attaching to this post).  God’s timing, perfect, as usual. I played it for her and said that this is how God and me feel about you!  We love you so deeply, and want you to be strong!

Today, we are stepping out in faith, believing things are changing, and having hope for new beginnings and for things we can’t even ask or dare imagine!

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Click below for video

Flawless

 

Well, dang!

Yesterday was therapy, and I am beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to have a normal Tuesday therapy day?? Geesh, it’s like everyone on the inside are planning some type of coup d’état.  Actually it’s more like one in particular, but difficult nonetheless.

Got up at 5am, ran my 5.5 miles with my friend, drank some coffee, showered, and headed off to BSF. The week before, I was triggered during the bible study small group time.  We are studying Revelation and the lesson the past 2 weeks has been on suffering….ugh!  I understand that all too well.  However, it has been very helpful to understand that we live in a fallen world, full of sin, and that pain and suffering are going to be apart of it all.  God allows suffering, but will not give us more than we can handle with HIS help.

Anyway, last week the lady next to me, I swear, out of nowhere, says, “I wonder if mental illness is from Satan.”  What?!?!  This began the following dialogue in my head from anger to sadness/tears:

Anger:  Is she crazy?  How does she know I have a mental illness?  Why did she just say that?  Did she say that on purpose? What the f……!

Sadness:  Oh my gosh, I am from Satan.  Why would she hurt me like that?  Does everyone in here know I have DID?  I am a horribly bad person.  I can never come back here. 

The good thing was I had therapy a few hours after that.  My therapist, who also attends the same BSF, just not in my small group, had a different take on the whole thing….of course she did, right? LOL  She suggested that I look at why mental illness, in my case DID, occurs.  I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused for many years, and abuse is pure evil, it is from Satan.  My abusers acted with evil intentions to purposely harm me, and as a result, God saved me through dissociating those horrible events.

She wasn’t letting the lady off the hook, but simply giving me another way to look at it all. Perhaps she has some experience with mental illness, who knows, but for me it was a huge trigger.  There is always something to learn from being triggered, since there is no way to protect yourself at all times, we need to learn from them.

With all that said, I’m sure I was on high alert when arriving yesterday to my small group. And that would explain the drinking and smoking afterwards.  Going to therapy sick and not knowing what happened before getting there.  I hate when this happens because it means a part is coping and not dealing with present issues.  It puts us all at risk for so many problems….and I need to find a way to communicate that with her.  This is dangerous!

To make matters worse, I decided to go home instead of going to work, I took an anti-nausea pill and then a valium.  I hadn’t slept well in several days, was sick and wanted to go to sleep.  So today, I’m obviously suffering from a hangover, but learned that mixing alcohol and valium is one of the most dangerous combinations of drugs.  I had no idea, since I wasn’t aware of how much alcohol was consumed. Thankful for a God that has protected me from so many dangerous situations.

So, I’m hitting the Restart Button, going to have a conversation with this part, and moving forward…

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