My therapy was moved an hour and a half later on Tuesday. It was a last minute change, which in the past, would upset me to no end. Now, it is easier because I know her personality type and since I know mine well, I can see things from her perspective. I also like to think I’ve grown and handle things better too. My learning about personality types has been a valuable tool in my life, relationships, and therapy. Finding something that helps us with transformation, as well as understanding and having compassion for others, benefits everyone. This personality tool has been a huge blessing in understanding my parts’ personalities too. Anyway, I could go on and on about that…..
My other teenager, who I’ll call B, came that day because this month is her hardest trauma from the past. She, unlike my other teenage part, is athletic, strong, direct, no nonsense, leader, and the protector of the system. She has endured horrible things on my behalf when I was engaged to a guy I met in college. March was the month of the engagement, and also the intensity of sexual abuse. It breaks my heart when I hear of the horrific events in my life, she protected me from. Blessed and saddened by it all.
This month is also when I experience some my worst pain (body memories). The abuse was intense, I had to have reconstructive surgery in 2003, to repair the rectal damage. This pain is my least favorite, for obvious reasons, and for B as well. Up to now, she has shared all the abuse, so you can understand my shock and confusion, when it flared up again. She hates to be vulnerable, doesn’t want to appear weak, and only says the bare minimum, unless you ask specifically. It is frustrating at times, but because I know her personality type, I get it. She does not trust well or many people. My T and her have an incredible relationship; they respect each other a great deal. My T also requests her help, at times, to get the inside system running smoothly when it gets out of hand.
As B was sharing some life events, that were all new to me, she and I began to experience horrible pain. She had told about the day in 1989 when, my then, fiancé’s parents met mine for the first time, to go over wedding plans. It was so enlightening for me to hear it, and nothing came as surprise. How terrible for anyone to endure a day of people judging, manipulating, criticizing, and being down right mean. As the pain became increasingly worse, and I was unsure of the source, or if she had more trauma to share. Suddenly, I became unaware of anything else from that point…
The next thing I knew, I was outside, down the sidewalk from my T office, and sitting on the curb. I got up, dazed, a bit confused, and headed to my car. No keys, no phone, no purse, not sure of the time, no purse, what the *****. Now, I’m faced with having to walk back into the office, hoping she isn’t in session, and locating my purse, keys, and phone. Thankfully, I had 20 minutes left in my session, so I walked back in and hoped she could explain what happened.
Apparently when the pain intensified, B, who we knew had a split part, male, named Scott, abruptly came out. He put an end to the discussion, stating He no longer wanted B to suffer through this crap (he used lots of bad words). He paced around her office, was angry, unwilling to listen to my T, and wanted nothing to do with saying what was really going on. My T is a smart lady, she knew he was hiding something, called him out on it, and said he was afraid. All of that was true, however, he wasn’t going to budge…so he walked out! That is why I was outside.
All along, we have thought he simply came in, like a knight in shining armor and saved her from anymore abuse. We didn’t think he had part of the trauma too. You can imagine my shock in hearing he did, indeed, have trauma; he is a guy, and the abuse was in an extremely bad place. It was too much for me, and I grabbed my things, paid my money, and headed to the door. As I reached for the doorknob, I turned around, asked my T, “Are we going to be okay?” she smiled, that familiar, compassionate smile and responded, “Yes, you are all going to be okay.”
The rest of the day, and the following were filled with anxiety and concern as to what needed to happen next. I knew that B and Scott had to figure out the next steps. Ultimately, he must share, like every part has done, to experience freedom and stop the pain from happening to him, B and myself. Lots of emails between my T and B took place that next day, which led to an idea and potential solution.
Lots of prayers, and trusting God for the outcome, were at the forefront of my mind. I am a “fix it” kind of person, so this was difficult for me to let my parts work out the details of what would take place during the Thursday session. I’m glad that God is in control, although sometimes I think I am, His ways are ALWAYS best and PERFECT!
*My next post will have what took place Thursday….I’m a few days behind.