Tag Archives: moving forward

Being present, ugh!

Learning to ‘be present’ when it is easier to default to your dissociation, sometimes sucks!  When I began to own my own anger and frustration, it felt very strange, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions.  It was effortless to let my part take the anger, while I dissociated. When it was felt by me, I usually found something to “DO”, because I could fix, clean, or sweep something into perfection.  Then I wouldn’t have to feel. Now that I’m making progress in those areas, it still feels wrong or bad to have anger.

When anger arises, being present in it makes me feel bad, then guilty because I’m angry or shameful, or that maybe this whole thing is my fault.  I am ultimately responsible for what happens, right??  Well those were lies I told myself, and I need to sit and be present with these feelings.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, right?  Well, in my last post I shared that I wasn’t present for the session, and the information I received seemed inaccurate for the time I was there.  My suspicions were correct. I was having some agitation yesterday and couldn’t figure it out.  I was supposed to go the church this morning, where I used to work.  They were celebrating being in a new building, and I thought I could go back.  I haven’t been able to since I left, but I wanted to support them.  As the day went on, I become more and more irritated.

I sent a text to my T and asked if this seemed odd or what I should do.  She thought it could be my teenager, and I should ask her if she had a problem with going.  We have had these issues before, and I would tell the particular part to stay in there room.  They would not have to go or be apart of something they didn’t feel comfortable with.  My T kept wanting me to talk to her, but of course she wouldn’t engage with me.  Anyway, we sent some texts back and forth, and finally she responded with this:  “Ok. She still has things to share with you when she’s ready.”  At first I didn’t really get it, but then I read it again.  My response back was, “Oh, you know?” She texted back, “Yes.”

My immediate response was, “What the heck, really?” why wouldn’t she tell me?  Why didn’t my teenager tell me?  Then that feeling of betrayal set in quickly.  I’m the client, I should know what is happening with me, right?  Then all the confusion sets in- my teenager is a part of me, I am actually keeping a secret from myself, what is the reason for not telling me?  What is she hiding?

In the past, this kind of  thing would make me spiral quickly, I’d start that “stinkin’ thinkin'” cancel my next session, consider quitting therapy altogether, and letting my anger be projected onto my T.  I have learned more now and understand, that in order for my parts to open up and share their trauma and abuse, they need to trust my T.  They need to feel safe in talking to her, know that she cares and believes them, and that if they can’t share the things they have protected me from yet, she will help them.  I know my T has my best interest at heart, and that all this is a process. I may not always like it, but I trust her in helping them grow and trust me.

I feel anger, but it’s okay to be angry.  My anger is okay, I won’t feel this way forever. I want to know what is going on, but it doesn’t always work out when I say or when I want it too.  This is where I have to trust God’s timing, and pray that she will feel safe enough to tell me what is going on with her.  My T will help her and that makes me feel much better. We’ve been through this before, we made it, and we can do it again!

 

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Celebrate the Small Stuff

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Today I am celebrating, what I would call, a small victory!  It has been a whole day since I’ve binged/purged or cut.

Whew!  I said it, that wasn’t so bad, right?  I hate admitting to things, because it makes me feel bad, corrupt, or not good.  Especially when I’m not fully aware of them happening.

I have learned many things along this journey with DID, PTSD, Depression, Eating Disorder, Addictions, and a Survivor of Abuse…

  • Don’t Quit-Keep Going
  • Persevere
  • Fight
  • Rest
  • Pray
  • Trust
  • Laugh
  • Cry
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Love
  • Believe in Yourself

I am sure there are many more, but you get the idea.  This reminds me of the verses in Philippians 3:12-14:

 12″I have not yet received all these things. I have not yet reached my goal. Christ Jesus took hold of me so that I could reach that goal. So I keep pushing myself forward to reach it. 13 Brothers and sisters, I don’t consider that I have taken hold of it yet. But here is the one thing I do. I forget what is behind me. I push hard toward what is ahead of me. 14 I push myself forward toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it. The heavenly prize is Christ Jesus himself.

Now, before anyone gets upset about the line that says, “I forget what is behind me.”  Paul, is talking about his own past that God had forgiven.  He had done horrible things, and was washed clean, forgiven, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection.

I, however, look it from my own perspective and think of the verse this way… I do not want to be controlled by my past! I won’t forget, I can forgive, but I don’t want any of it to have control over me any longer. So, I push forward toward what is ahead…healing, freedom, wholeness.

God no longer holds my sins against me, because His Son paid for that on the cross.  He has forgotten all my transgressions, when I accepted the gift of His Son.  So, then why should I continue to beat myself up over the wrong things I’ve done?  He doesn’t want me to be controlled by my past wrongs. And I believe, equally, He doesn’t want me to be controlled by the things that were done to me.  He wants me to learn from my own personal mistakes. Also, He has taught me that the wrongs, sins, mistakes, and abuse of others was NOT my fault.

This is a new year, fresh start, new beginnings, whatever you want to call it in 2016.  I’m not going back, I’m moving ahead!  God is making all things new and I am following Him forward in 2016!

Thank you- to ALL of you- who have shown me so much in this short time while on this blog.  Your courage, strength, honesty, perseverance and encouragement has been a true blessing to me.  I am grateful to each of you, even though we have never met.  We share so much in common, and yet we are different at the same time.  I count it all JOY to be supported and encouraged by such wonderful people!

I have had a hard time allowing people to comfort me, give me hugs, etc., but I couldn’t help but send this…

 

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