Tag Archives: migraines

Happy 1yr Anniversary…to me

It’s been 1 year since I stumbled onto this world of blogging! I wasn’t sure what to think or even expect after my first couple posts. What I quickly found was so many wonderful people, who like us, needed a community to be real, honest, angry, sad, thankful, undone, safe, cared for, understood, encouraged, believed…I could go on and on, but we all know why we are here.

Personally, I am extremely humbled and grateful for you all! Somedays coming to this site and reading your words of encouragement was the only thing that kept me going. Reading your posts, seeing the strength you each possess and the continuous fight for freedom and health is inspiring! God has blessed me in many ways and I believe He wants us all to heal!

I quit blogging about a month ago because of the debilitating migraines I was having- at times they lasted a week. It was all I could do to get out of bed, take medicine or even go to the bathroom…tmi! I missed out on so much and wanted to lay down and never get up! I wish I could say they are gone, but at least I can say they are better. They have actually changed somewhat and we have been able to work with them better than before.

I apologize for my absence, I’ve missed reading and staying updated with each of you. It is exciting to see how things have changed for us all! While I’ve been gone, my newest young one, who we call Little Cathy, has made some great progress! She is like me in many ways, feeling responsible, thinking she isn’t good enough, desires to be perfect or something is wrong with her, afraid of making a mistake because that means she is bad….

These are the things we both need to change, to let go of and to believe we simply are good enough! She is not like any other part on the inside, she connects with me first, and that is strange and good all at the same time. She is 8 and full of life, yet has been hidden for so long. She has seen so much and endured, like others, horrible abuse.

I did learn that she loves horses! What?? I have never spent time around horses, unless you count taking my boys on pony rides when they were little. 🙂 She has spent lots of time on a horse and is looking forward to riding very soon. I, on the other hand, am scared to death! But I am willing to try and learn. I can only imagine how wonderful it would have been to feel the safety she felt of having a special friend, who she could trust, love and depend on…a horse named, Dusty!

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Damn Migraines

It’s been a week ago today that I have had reoccurring migraines! My therapist has been on vacation since last Wednesday, I’m too freaking prideful to call and ask her to talk (not like she can cure it), and I’m walking around like a fucking zombie because of all the meds! My husband and boys have to take care of me, since I can barely get out of bed. It seriously hurts to eat crackers so I can take my meds that knock me out. And I’m pretty sure I look like the lady in that pic….damn migraines!!

I know it’s connected to trauma, memories and flashbacks I had after my last therapy session. The timing sucks that my T is gone until next week. Can I even make another 5 days with this pain??

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Migraine: Takes Me Out Again

Had my long session yesterday and my part teen part, K, shared another memory. I had woken up with a huge bruise on my right calf, Tuesday, then on Thursday had another bruise on my left calf- both in the same place. I could tell I had lost some time prior to therapy and figured K didn’t want to share this information. She didn’t want to talk about the memory, but my T was so helpful and encouraging to her. I’m grateful for the relationship my T has with not only me, but each part of me! giphyDuring my session I had a migraine develop, my T helped K by walking her through the pain, but it came back after the session.

I sat in my car, like usual, debating whether to take a chance and head to work knowing I was getting a migraine or going home and getting into bed. The tears began to run down my face as I started to think about what I had heard for the past 2.5 hrs. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out the memory or why I developed the bruising. But hearing it out loud, well that’s a whole other deal! One more thing to try and wrap my mind around, how could a parent do this to their child??

Just when I think I am getting close to the end, memories like this surface and take me out! My drive home was emotional and I hoped the migraine wouldn’t get worse before I could take my meds. I notified my husband and “damn therapist friends” to say I was headed home. Being alone after therapy, especially difficult sessions like this one, is never a good idea. My husband had the day off, and that made going home an easy choice. When I get a migraine, the best thing is to be in my own bed…that is the only good thing about it!

Considering more EMDR regarding my issues of canceling therapy because I feel like $$ is an issue, trying to fix myself before I get to therapy (seriously), and being responsible, or at least feeling like I need to be responsible for everything. My therapist suggested doing this, but I wasn’t sure. I have to ask for help from another person, to do EMDR, and that makes it harder. Of course, my therapist jumped all over that too, saying she didn’t have any issues asking the therapist to come back again. Ugh! I know it will be a good idea, and very helpful for me in the long run…

Today I’m feeling tired and worn out from the long session, the migraine, and all the meds it takes to knock me out. I have felt very emotional and have cried off and on most of the day. It’s all normal, but I’m ready to move to another season of life. Trusting that God has this and me, and will never leave or abandon me in this place!!

 

Share Your Struggles…You Never Know

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 migraines since Friday! I realize that this is completely wrecking me physically, emotionally and mentally.  I can’t be present to myself, my family, my job, my life….when does it end? I’m sick of myself saying the same thing over and over again. Then the kind words from everyone saying…This is temporary,  it’s only a season, it won’t last, the worst is behind me, God has this, God has me, I am strong, brave, courageous…blah, blah, blah

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Now don’t get me wrong, I know all that is true! I am thankful for all of the support, but damn it, I want out of this pit. The crying is too much, and it comes out nowhere. I’m sure it’s a little depression; I certainly know what that feels like.  Not willing to get back on an antidepressant because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. My dissociation is stronger and more frequent, since I don’t like what it happening.

I attempted canceling therapy for tomorrow, using the migraine as a way out, even though it’s the truth.  However, the migraines are here because I need to talk through stuff and that means going to therapy.  My mental state has been so bad at times that I have wanted to call my parents so they can tell me I’m okay. Geesh! Like they have ever said I was okay…but that is where I am right now.

So right now I’m sitting in the dark, in my bed, alone, crying off and on (more on than off), my kids and husband are gone for the evening, and that is never a good combination. I have this “cocktail” of medication for my migraines, it only knocks me out, not the migraine, and I’m thinking, “Perhaps I should take 1 or 12 of these???”  I would be knocked out for sure- completely out!  But I’m not going to because it’s not who I am, who I want to be, and it’s not the answer.

So I want to share something I read tonight as I lay here in this depressed state….I believe God gives us exactly what we need at exactly the perfect time. I was going through and reading blogs that I follow, catching up and hoping to find some encouragement along the way.  This “blog community” has been a valuable resource for me in my healing journey.  But this particular blog I read possibly changed my perspective, well not possibly, it absolutely, without question, took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and unmistakably changed my thinking.

I don’t believe in coincidences, but believe God is in all things, speaks through others, even when they don’t realize.  God uses our struggles to make us stronger, but also when we speak them, share them, write them on a post; He will use them all!

Tonight when I arrived home from work, early, due to an oncoming migraine, I was taking my jewelry off and I noticed the 2 pictures I have hanging above my dresser.  One is when I was 5yrs old and the other I think 7 or 8.  I just stared at them for a moment and then got in bed and began to cry, thinking all this is so not worth another day!

And then I read Rachel’s blog post. This is what changed things for me.  She shared her struggles, who suicidal thinking, all the while being honest and vulnerable.

I don’t think I would actually pull the trigger. I don’t think, even if I had a gun, I could actually do it. Because I don’t believe in killing, and I am a person. And would be killing a person. And also, that 3 year old keeps flashing in my mind. That 3 year old me, I can’t shoot her in the head. I looked at an old picture, and just can’t imagine killing her. So I don’t think I am actually in danger, I just feel really bad right now. And I don’t even feel reactive about it, that I need to necessarily do anything about it, other than take care of myself and wade through it as best I can until it passes. Clearly something is being worked out.”

Thank you, Rachel! Thank you for being real, honest and seen.  You had no idea when you put those words out there that someone, somewhere, would be encouraged. God used your life experiences to get me through a difficult place.

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Hidden

I have been noticing that since it’s my turn to process memories, understand the abuse, feel the emotions from anger to sadness (and everything in between), and talk about “my stuff”; I want to hide!  I told my T on Monday that it is extremely difficult, even painful to know that “she sees me” and I allowed that to happen.  I have been so guarded- walls up, masks up and ready for attack- that this feels completely out of control.  Am I glad that she sees me? Yes, at some level, it helps with working through DID and my parts.  But now that it’s just me…I don’t like it very much.

I have been experiencing migraines on a weekly, sometimes biweekly, basis. They are different than the ones I shared with my teenage part; I’m getting the full brunt of pain. I know my sweet husband is sick of coming home to me being in bed, completely shut down from the world, life, him and our boys. I don’t have any idea what is happening; I feel lost and confused by this new turn of events.

I was and still am an advocate for my parts to share, be present, and heal. So why, then, is this different for me? Why do I feel as though telling my T things will cause abandonment or shame and me being so bad or unworthy of care, comfort and guidance? She offered those same things to the parts of me, would she be able to do that for me?  And then, why do I care? Shouldn’t matter, right?  I don’t need anyone….never had anyone when I needed them in the past. 

I am messed up-shit! Hello Captain Obvious, this is NOT a news flash…no one is running to the Editor-in-Chief with this information; it’s old news, back page, last column, bottom, right corner: This Girl is F’ed Up!

drop mic….

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Just When I Think Things Are Changing

“The closer you get to God the more satan will send pain your way but what satan forgot was that when you are in pain, you are more susceptible to being blessed by God. God gives us strength in the time of our weakness.”

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

47188414c6d10bb734e75c87149522e8When am I closer to where God wants me to be or when I am close to receiving a breakthrough from the Lord; satan shows up to try and disrupt things.  The closer I get to God, and trusting that He is healing and bringing freedom; the more satan tries to attack the things I am doing.

 

What I’m learning is, when I can clearly see the things God is doing, start celebrating the good that is happening; I get blindsided and taken out.

Right after my last post “New Day”, I had a migraine, that once again, put in a dissociated state. One of my teenagers and another part took me to work, helped me get through the day and stayed in contact with my therapist.  I had taken medication that is not possible for me to function, but I needed (in my opinion) to be at work. I know, dumb choice! It is one of the “good” things about having DID, you have options when you can’t be “out”.

My T was texting with B (my teenage part) to see if she thought I could meet with her at the office or maybe even talk on the phone. B didn’t think I could manage having any conversation, so by the afternoon, she took me home. Even though I know it happens, it always shocks me as to how this all happens.  The migraines have usually originated from another teenage part-K. She and I share them, but my T seems to have some way to help her through, and knock it out.  It was the first time that I had the migraine alone, and it seemed to cause an exuberant amount of chaos internally.  The really sweet thing was, each part pitched in to help me function, and I feel so blessed that they care so much!

When I made it home late afternoon, my husband said I walked through the front door, said nothing, went into the bedroom, and stood there looking around like I was lost. He knew right away that I was not good. I immediately remembered the migraine and had to go lay down. My husband has never experienced a migraine, so it’s hard for him to understand I need a quiet, dark and cool room, in my bed  and no talking.  I wish he could understand it isn’t possible to simply lay on the couch and watch TV. My T has migraines and another friend of mine too, so it’s nice to have those who empathize and understand what is needed.

After I slept it off, I was able to communicate with my T about the day, read all the back and forth texting and had an overall view of what took place.  She suggested I come in Monday for a session, even though I have my 2 regularly  scheduled sessions for the week.  At times, I feel like I’m never going to get back to one session a week, especially with all the 3rd sessions I’ve added lately….Ugh!  But the goal is healing, and I cannot lose sight of that right now.  No matter how many sessions it takes, I want to get to a place of wholeness.

My little ones, on the inside, say when all is good it’s like the sun is always rising, and there is no more darkness.  What a beautiful picture of how it will be someday.  No more darkness, no more pain, no more tears….just celebrating a God who loves us, saved us and called us home!

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New Day

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for my morning run.  My 4 hrs of sleep yesterday after the session and 4 more last night, made me feel energetic and rejuvenated. I easily forget what it is actually like to get sleep.  Running is easier too; it clears my head, and the conversation is always good and entertaining.giphy1

I’m excited about having some breathing room, so to speak. I don’t have a migraine, chest pains from anxiety, or body memory pain and it feels so exhilarating.  I’m learning to celebrate all the progress along the way…even sleep! It doesn’t take much, huh!

I have a better understanding of what I need to work on, even though it may not be pleasant, it will be healing for me. Steps forward, even small steps, are progress, healing, and healthy. Feeling blessed by how God never leaves me in those places of wilderness.  Somedays it feels like I’m never going to make it out, but it is in those times, I believe, He is the closest and most present.  Imagine wondering around in the wilderness, having no idea where you are going, but at the same time, trusting the One who will lead the way to freedom!

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, and God doesn’t want me to worry about it anyway.  He has my back!

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3 hour session, not a 3 hour tour!

We all know the show and the song from Gilligan’s Island, right??  I thought today, I would make a few modifications to the lyrics.  Why?  Well, I’m not exactly sure….but maybe it has to do with my Friday, 3 hour, therapy session.  I could not have been more proud of Kat today!! She did hard and productive work.  So grateful for her courage and strength!

This past week was hell, with a migraine everyday, somedays we didn’t get out of bed-just about took us all out!  So like the The S.S. Minnow in Gilligan’s Island, we felt tossed around and beaten up. Anyone that has ever taken a three-hour boat ride can tell you, it gets pretty insufferable by the end. People are hungry, cranky and seasick!  And anyone who gets a migraine can tell you it’s debilitating and immobilizing.

hqdefaultAnyway, here is my new song!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
a true tale and grateful trip,
that started three short years ago,
aboard this human ship.

The Host was a mighty private gal
the Protector, she’s the bravest one,
nine insiders set out one day,
for a 1 hour session,
now a 3 hour session.

The memories started getting rough,
this human ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of this fearless group
the Host would be lost.
The Host would be lost.

This Community set out on the course of this
uncharted life style
with Sis and her sister
Wendy and Mary too.
The boys are here, to help thrive
the artist, Cindy
the Protector and Kat are here,
in our Host’s Body.

So this is the story of all our parts,
they’re here for a long, long time.
They’ll have to make the best of things,
sometimes it’s an uphill climb.

The Host and her amazing team
will do their very best,
to make the insider’s comfortable
to grow together and finally rest.

No abuse, no hurt, no abandonment
not a single painful thing
like God had intended,
it’s safe and loving as can be.

So join us here each week my friends,
you’re sure to get a smile,
from nine, awesome suvivors
here in the Host’s body!