Thursday was my third and last session for the week…and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck, followed by it’s trailer. Ugh! It’s been a long, exhausting, but very rewarding week. No one said this work was easy, and work it is…
We have more answers, more healing, and more steps forward. My “fast track” approach to healing and living with DID, is both demanding and worthwhile. So many times in the past 4 yrs., I’ve wanted to quit, walk away, and let this all fade away. Now logically, I know that could never happen once I started, but the temptation is there…somedays more than others.
We spent some time, on Thursday, following up on the events of the previous sessions. Then the questions came about where I was in all of this. She asked me what has been going on with “me”. I had a list (of course) to discuss, but I had already talked myself out of saying some things. “Why can’t I say things to the one person who knows the most about me? The person who has NEVER judged me? (I think) To the person who believes and cares about what happens to me?”
As I shared some things, I became emotional, but couldn’t get to where the emotions were coming from. My T kept pushing me, asking me questions, and wanting to get to the source of the emotion. For reasons I am unclear, her questioning was making me angry and I began to shut down. My body shifted along with my thinking, and the internal walls began to form. I was surprised by why this was happening, and then without warning, I switched. Kat came forward and began connecting the dots for all of us.
She was able to reveal why I was having dreams about an event 2yrs. ago and connect that with some of her undone trauma. **It is always amazing to me (shouldn’t be by now) that I will get weird pieces of information, that don’t make sense, in my short sleep hours, and it will ALWAYS connect.
From there Kat shared another thing I had been holding onto for about 3 weeks, but honestly, in my defense, there hasn’t been time to talk about it lately. Long story short; my therapist made an observation, which was accurate and upsetting. I haven’t totally owned the abuse from my dad, and it affects 2 parts on the inside. I have believed what they’ve said, helped them through it, and made sure they feel safe…but I haven’t taken that in for myself.
My T recognized that I haven’t shown any anger or sadness, for myself, in dealing with the information surrounding the abuse. She is right! I tell myself it’s not okay to be angry, because anger is bad; I was never allowed to cry about anything, so then what is the point?? However, I know she is right and I need to own the information as mine, and feel the feelings attached to them.
She gave me an assignment while she is on vacation next week:
- Write down all the things I still haven’t shared; the things I’ve been afraid to say
- Write how I feel about what my dad did to me; my honest feelings
- Don’t work on it for more than 30 minutes at a time
- Don’t over do it- which is code for- I don’t have to do it all in one day
This all seems like an appropriate request, and with her being gone for a week, I was feeling motivated to get to work. And then the next day (Friday), I developed a migraine that took me out for the whole day! Ugh