Tag Archives: migraine

This Week’s Final Session

Thursday was my third and last session for the week…and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck, followed by it’s trailer.  Ugh!  It’s been a long, exhausting, but very rewarding week.  No one said this work was easy, and work it is…

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We have more answers, more healing, and more steps forward.  My “fast track” approach to healing and living with DID, is both demanding and worthwhile.  So many times in the past 4 yrs., I’ve wanted to quit, walk away, and let this all fade away.  Now logically, I know that could never happen once I started, but the temptation is there…somedays more than others.

We spent some time, on Thursday, following up on the events of the previous sessions. Then the questions came about where I was in all of this. She asked me what has been going on with “me”.  I had a list (of course) to discuss, but I had already talked myself out of saying some things.  “Why can’t I say things to the one person who knows the most about me? The person who has NEVER judged me? (I think) To the person who believes and cares about what happens to me?”

As I shared some things, I became emotional, but couldn’t get to where the emotions were coming from. My T kept pushing me, asking me questions, and wanting to get to the source of the emotion.  For reasons I am unclear, her questioning was making me angry and I began to shut down. My body shifted along with my thinking, and the internal walls began to form. I was surprised by why this was happening, and then without warning, I switched.  Kat came forward and began connecting the dots for all of us.

She was able to reveal why I was having dreams about an event 2yrs. ago and connect that with some of her undone trauma.  **It is always amazing to me (shouldn’t be by now) that I will get weird pieces of information, that don’t make sense, in my short sleep hours, and it will ALWAYS connect.

From there Kat shared another thing I had been holding onto for about 3 weeks, but honestly, in my defense, there hasn’t been time to talk about it lately. Long story short; my therapist made an observation, which was accurate and upsetting.  I haven’t totally owned the abuse from my dad, and it affects 2 parts on the inside.  I have believed what they’ve said, helped them through it, and made sure they feel safe…but I haven’t taken that in for myself.

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My T recognized that I haven’t shown any anger or sadness, for myself, in dealing with the information surrounding the abuse.  She is right!  I tell myself it’s not okay to be angry, because anger is bad; I was never allowed to cry about anything, so then what is the point??  However, I know she is right and I need to own the information as mine, and feel the feelings attached to them.

She gave me an assignment while she is on vacation next week:

  1. Write down all the things I still haven’t shared; the things I’ve been afraid to say
  2. Write how I feel about what my dad did to me; my honest feelings
  3. Don’t work on it for more than 30 minutes at a time
  4. Don’t over do it- which is code for- I don’t have to do it all in one day

This all seems like an appropriate request, and with her being gone for a week, I was feeling motivated to get to work.  And then the next day (Friday), I developed a migraine that took me out for the whole day! Ugh

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Another day, another migraine

Therapy Tuesday went something like this….

  • Run at 5:30am, it’s 22 degrees, I’m with my friend, in the dark, fighting a slight headache, and pushing her to go 5.5 miles.
  • 8:30am-headed out for BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) where we are studying the book of Revelation.  So much stuff, so deep, so much imagery, so much interpretation, so, so much…learning so much too!
  • Somewhere between point #2 and #3, I switched. My teenage part was triggered and now sitting there listening to the speaker share a personal story about being a rebellious teenager and talking to her Christian parents.  I guess she was feeling uneasy about the entire content.
  • I “came back” for the last point- #3, only to find myself with an uneasy, was anyone watching me, could they tell, what just happened, kinda feeling.  Switching in public is the worst, I tell ya!  What’s even worser (I made that word up) is switching while in a church full of women (respectfully older than me) while learning about the bible!
  • On my drive home, I’m struggling to stay present.  I want to smoke, but I hate to smoke!  I want to cut, but I don’t cut.  I want to drink, but I’m driving.  Are you following the madness of it all?? I want to numb…
  • 2hours until therapy, I can make it.  But for what?  I am not sure what really happened.  I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.
  • Therapy starts at 1:30 and ends at 3:00….OMG it’s 3:00, I’m standing in the middle of my therapist’s office, coat on, migraine pounding, and I feel completely dissociated.
  • Do I go home, go to work (where I’m supposed to go), head to the bathroom to vomit because of the migraine, lay down on the floor because I can barely move or sit in the lobby until it “magically” goes away??
  • I decide to sit in the lobby and wait for it to pass, but I don’t make it there (prob 10 steps) because I have to throw up.  I go back to the chairs in the lobby and, wait, wait, wait and then decide to head to my car….
  • Back to the bathroom to vomit again, then back to the chairs, then up to leave, back to the bathroom, back to the chairs….damn!  I’m making my head spin just typing this!
  • Apparently I’m there doing this for a whole hour, because she (therapist) comes out to get another client, and I’m still there!  She calls my “support team” so someone can take me home.
  • I just need to take my migraine pill, oh, but I left my purse in the car and that is where I keep the pills.  NICE!
  • My friend comes, because my husband can’t get there, and she drags me to her truck, rolls me in the backseat, I curl up in a ball, and try and hold it in until I get home.
  • What the hell happened today?  What took place between BSF and therapy?  What was said in therapy?  Why am I having a migraine again? WHHHHYYYYY?
  • After I take my “cocktail” of migraine meds, I feel numb, kind of paralyzed, awake- but not really.  I hate and love the feeling, all at the same time.

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…the day after

It’s the day after therapy, and I woke up in the middle of the night with a killer migraine.  Those are usually attached to a part of me on the inside.  K (part) is the one who has been going through these difficult memories and sharing them in therapy.  I shouldn’t be surprised about her getting a migraine, because she has gone through so much lately.

K is a fighter and I am so proud of the work she has done, and continues to do.  She is spunky, out-spoken, and does not like to talk about painful things…but who really does??  Since we figured out she has the migraines, we know that it is a body memory, and usually they can’t be fixed with meds.

I have a “cocktail” of meds to take when it comes on, since migraines are debilitating, but it knocks me out.  I sleep and give it time to dissipate.  The problem is, I don’t like taking meds, these particular ones make me groggy the rest of the day, and I sleep for 8-10 hours.  Now, that may sound awesome, since I only get 3-4 hours a night.  It’s the after effects of feeling drugged, that I don’t care for very much.

Thankfully, it doesn’t happen very often these days.  And I am glad I have a plan, with a way to combat the migraine.  K has spent all day wrapped up in her gray, soft, and warm blanket.  We feel so secure and safe inside our own private cave.  Somedays it’s okay to lay around, in your PJs, with a fire and warm cozy blanket.  It’s like being wrapped up in the arms of our heavenly Father, who says, “I will never leave you, or abandon you.”

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