As with many of my posts, it takes me several days to actually publish what I’ve written. Things seem to change so quickly in my world; I feel like I’ve been swirling, waiting for the ride to stop. I know this is a normal reaction with EMDR. You continue to get more and more information afterwards. It’s difficult with having DID, because you already have so many bits and pieces swirling inside; you don’t need to feel like you’ve been on the Tilt-A-Whirl too!!
During my Friday, long session, we did EMDR for the second time. I was the primary subject and my negative cognition was, “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” I have always taken the blame for things that have happened to us. I’m sure because of my past, the abuse, and how it was projected onto me it’s been my way of thinking-always. Being aware that I do this is one thing, trying to resolve the issue, is quite another.
My ‘damn therapist’ friend, came to my session and joined my T and myself for what turned out to be 2 hours of EMDR and intense emotions. I was overwhelmed with the things it was bringing up from my past: anger, sadness, hurt, and lots of tears. I wasn’t able to get to a place of calm, even my calm place made me cry. I felt so undeserving of my “island getaway” that I couldn’t even continue. My friend would never end EMDR this way in a session, but she knew I wanted to stop and spend some time talking with my T. In the final last hour with my T, together we got me to a place where I could feel okay to leave.
I always know when things don’t go as well in therapy when my T tells me she will be available if I need to contact her later. I’m extremely grateful that she allows that, but always hoping we won’t need it either. On Friday’s, after therapy, I get a massage. It has become a huge self-care piece for me. It has taken me years to be able to get a massage (for obvious reasons), and now it has been significantly healing. However, I completely zoned out somewhere in the middle and switched. I found out later, my teenage part, B, had gone back to see my therapist. Interestingly, she is my tough, bad ass, take control, get things done, part of me and knowing she went back to talk was a bit shocking. B has grown and matured so much; she wanted to discuss some of the things she learned about herself in EMDR. Most notably, “I can’t fix everything”!!!!! OMG, that was HUGE! What a break-through for her and myself. I was so stinkin’ proud of her!! 🙂
My therapist had shared with me about their conversation and we both felt like this was an extremely beneficial session. Not only for me, but for others inside. I am realizing there is still information I am unaware of. I believe that my T and B talked about it on the steps of her office. These are the things with EMDR that keep downloading in my head, while I’m trying to make sense of it all.
I’ve been journaling, and trying to keep myself distracted, which isn’t really working. My dad’s birthday is today; that is painful all on it’s own. He has hurt us in so many ways and I don’t want to give him any head-space, whatsoever. But it keeps invading my mind, thinking, and memories all at the same time.
Overall, it was an encouraging and beneficial session. I will probably do this again on Friday. Hopefully, I will have more information and a little more closure on things. It is a risky tool to use with DID, but at this point in my healing, I think it is needed. It is also being done by a gifted, seasoned and caring therapist, who is my friend. She would never put me in a situation that would be harmful…my own T wouldn’t allow that either! I am blessed to have two people who care so deeply about me. Makes me cry just typing it out!