Tag Archives: Littles

New Medication/Friday Meltdown Part 1

This weekend I started a new medication to help keep me focused, hopefully from dissociating as much during the day, maybe help with night switching (so I can sleep), and even keep me from going down that path of depression.  I have been on it for 3days, it works immediately, meaning it doesn’t take 2 weeks to get into my system, and so far so good.  I noticed I didn’t have difficulty on Mother’s Day with dissociating or feeling sadness, like I usually do on those holidays. Everything with medications and DID are trial and error, so this is an experiment for the next 30 days.  Looking forward to more of these “focused” days, less sadness, and maybe, just maybe, more sleep!!

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On Friday, I had a shorter therapy session, and my little ones spent the entire time with my T. They had wanted a time to read books and give her some things they had made/colored. I was aware of the special session, but wasn’t sure if I would be “present” for any period of time. As it turned out, I didn’t even drive us there!  My teenage part, who loves to hang out with my T, drove to the session and then to my work afterwards. I was in the parking lot at my office, when I realized I missed the entire session. My teenager spent some time getting caught up with my T and the little ones had the final hour.  They had made her a Mother’s Day card, along with (there new love of) origami. My T filled me in later, so I would know what all took place.  She sent a picture of the card; it was so cute I wanted to share what they wrote:

Happy Mothers Day (front of card)

 

Flowers are beautiful just like you.
And even though you are not our mom…
We want to say Happy Mother’s Day to YOU!! (inside)

They all signed their names on the back, cut hearts out of construction paper, glued them all over the card, brought her flowers, and gave her strawberry Laffy Taffy (because who doesn’t love that??) LOL!  Honestly, it was very sweet and I’m glad she sent me some pictures. They think she is a “really nice friend who helps and prays for them” and I’m glad they see her that way. My T has done an incredible job helping them understand that I am a Mom to them, not her. It has prevented potential attachment issues along the way, which has made it less confusing for all of us.

When I arrived at the office, I felt a weird sense of not being at therapy, even though I was there for 90 minutes. Usually, what happens is, I get shut out because a part doesn’t want me to be there, or I choose not to hear due to the nature of the memories being shared. This was simply another part stepping in, taking them, and bringing me to work…no biggie, right??

I probably wouldn’t have put much thought into it, but one of those “damn therapist’s” asked me how therapy went…My response was, “I think it went well, I wasn’t there.” She looked at me a bit puzzled, then I explained how I knew today was different, and my little ones were going to have “their own time” in therapy. Now for the average person, they would have simply said, “Oh, okay.” But not that “damn therapist”, she went on to ask another question; what is the deal with therapist’s and asking a shit load of questions all the time?? Ha Ha!

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The next question was why didn’t I stay present to what was going on, don’t I usually listen/watch when I can? And then I felt the sharp pain! She wasn’t aware, but I certainly was, aware of how that question cut into the core of me. I blew it off quickly by saying I didn’t really want to be there for all that stuff. I’m a grown woman, and it’s hard to watch myself curl up on the couch, next to my therapist, to read children’s books (and that part was true). End of conversation….but not my swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly!

By the time I began the drive home, the tears started streaming down my face, and I couldn’t shake the grief that was attached to the question, “Why wasn’t I present in therapy?” I believe I knew the answer and the answer was too painful.  When I arrived home, my husband greeted me as always, asked how my day went, and if I remembered it was Steak and Beer night?? Duh. *Every Friday my husband works half days, and makes the same meal for our family, or whomever decides to join. Steak, baked potatoes, marinated mushrooms, salad, corn, rolls… It is awesome!

It didn’t take long for him to notice that I had been crying, and then I literally lost it in the kitchen. I couldn’t stop crying! I was undone about it being Mother’s Day, not having communication with her (my mom) anymore, seeing cards and flowers at every store, listening to radio stations say all this sweet crap about mom’s, and now something about therapy set off triggers!  I had remembered I read my personality thought of the day, which said this…

Type One EnneaThought:  “It usually takes time to notice that you need something, especially in the area of emotional needs. But when you do realize what you really feel, by all means let others know.”

Ugh!  I went into my closet, changed my clothes, sat on the floor, cried, and thought about what “I needed emotionally”!! What did I need to do to get answers to what was happening to me?  I will share what I finally decided in my next post.

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Checking in for today

Good morning fellow bloggers!  Thought I would check in, don’t really have a topic to share.  I’m sure as I type, something will come to me, right? One of the joys of DID is that we are never without something to say…lol!

748537How about you give me some input on why my small Christmas tree, I’ve set aside for my little’s, is still sitting in the same place without lights or decorations??  The plan was to go to Hobby Lobby, let them all choose an ornament, then decorate their tree…sounds easy, right?  So, why haven’t I done anything with it yet?  I went to Hobby Lobby Saturday, spent 4 hours (apparently) and came home with nothing!  Talk about lost time-geesh!

Now on Tuesday, I was able to cut out and bake Christmas cookies, decorate them aIMG_2613nd allow all the little ones to choose their cookies, colors, and sprinkles.  We had a great time, and they made special ones for my husband, kids, and our therapist.  There isn’t anything better than homemade cut-out cookies with melt-in-your-mouth icing (of all different colors).  I think this was the first year I had to create purple icing, and that was for Mary.  She loves purple.

brown-and-gold-Christmas-Tree-decor….back to my tree dilemma.  I want them to have this tree and individual ornaments, but something is blocking the path for me.  I know it has to do with not being able to put my own ornaments on the tree growing up, because our tree had to be “pretty”.  White lights, gold or burgundy bulbs, fancy things stuck randomly in the tree (I guess the designers said so), and all the wrapping paper on the packages had to match the tree too.

 

When I had my own family, it wasn’t long before my mom “suggested” we do that same thing in our remodeled Victorian home.  “It would look nicer”, she said. Now all my decorations are from her decorator and I have one box left of my own things.  These things are precious to me, because it includes my husbands childhood ornaments, mine, our boys, and things we have accumulated together.

I guess I need to go for it!  Start with the lights and see what happens….

 

Too much NOISE!

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for one of my little’s, Kathleen, and me. Kathleen is 7, and has recently shared her abuse story with our therapist.  It took her several weeks, since she was so scared.  Her fear of sharing was mainly due to people in our life who tried to help, but ended up hurting us.  One woman, who had good intentions, loved God, wanted to teach us about Him, pray for us, and help me through my bulimia, but ended up getting emotionally attached.  Which hurt Kathleen badly.

Kathleen viewed our therapist, as possibly another person who “wanted to help”, talk to her about God and His love for her, and then hurt her as well.  Makes total sense, but that is not what our therapist was/is doing, and that is why it took so long for her to trust her.

After several visits, earning our therapist’s trust, feeling more safe, and moving toward freedom from the past, I am confident that God is working miracles in her life too.  In her last conversation during a therapy session, she asked if she could have a doll.  Of course, she can, right??

She shared she had begged her mom and dad for a certain doll, and after a long battle, they finally bought her one.  The problem was, our mom felt as though it could be dangerous (long story), so she got rid of it.  What?  I cannot imagine what that was like.  And I can’t, because I have little memory of having the doll.  However, for Kathleen, it was yet another painful experience she had to go through.

There are all kinds of memories wrapped up, in and around having this doll.  I won’t bore you with all the details, but it has caused several of us to have a great deal of anxiety.  So much so, that I haven’t been able to go get her one.

The thing about having DID, is the constant head noise and chaos. And at times, seems overwhelming.  Most of the chatter in my head is, “Why haven’t you gotten her a doll?”,  “Please go buy her a doll.” and that is understandable.  The answer, I really don’t know.  It’s as though something/someone doesn’t want me to get the doll.

Tomorrow is the day I am supposed to get her the doll….I almost can’t breathe typing this.  I can swear I hear my dad’s voice cussing at me, and telling me I can’t have a doll.  I’ve been hearing his critical, “I’m not good enough”, berating voice for awhile now, but I don’t know what to make of it.  He lives in another state, I don’t talk to him, and yet, on a daily basis, I hear him say horrible things to me.  It’s like it was when I was growing up!!  Does anyone understand what I’m talking about????

I keep thinking it’s going to go away and I’ll stop hearing it! At times, I think he is literally a part of me, but how can that be?? Maybe it will go away…

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Blessings!