Tag Archives: job

Finding a Purpose

I have found myself asking the same question, although many different ways, over and over again. “What is my purpose?” “What will I be when I grow up?” “Will I ever be able to have a career again?” “How long is all this going to take?” “What am I going to do with my life?” “I’m 48, now what?” “What is God’s will for my life?” “Will I ever be healed or well enough to have a career?” Even though I know all the “right” answers to this question, I am finding difficulty in believing there’s actually something better waiting for me.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my job as an office manager for two, incredibly gifted, respected and caring therapists. They have given me an opportunity to be involved in the workplace, while I’m intensely seeking my own therapy and healing. I am blessed to be there, no question!

I had two incredible career experiences prior to resigning and working on “Me, myself, and the gang! This journey, the past 5 1/2 years, has taken many turns, seen many road blocks, small crashes, lost some much needed baggage, allowed me to breathe again, challenged me to do things I would never do, depend on others, trust, believe, love, witnessed miracles, freedom and have faith that God will continue to bring healing.

Sounds like I’m whining, huh?  Probably a great deal of truth in that statement. I have always achieved what I set out to accomplish. I was always afraid to try anything that could possibly be a failure; that didn’t leave much to choose from. My inside parts have taught me countless things I NEVER knew about myself; it continues to blow my mind. Here are a few examples of things I would never try, never liked or not considered before:

  • We love to cook
  • We can sew, don’t use patterns, make things up as we go
  • We make jewelry by taking old pieces, busting them up and recreating them into beautiful things
  • We paint shoes or rings or jewelry
  • We can read music and play some on the piano
  • We design websites and logos
  • We draw and illustrate each sketch
  • We love and ride horses
  • We love to shop and by shop, I mean clothes and shoes

There is probably more, but you get the point. Shocking to myself, my family and those close to me to see it all unfold. Well, they may not be as shocked as I am! My therapist is always saying, “You can do anything! Is there anything you can’t do? ” She jokes about how she wishes she could do even some of those things.

Then why sit and wonder what my purpose is moving forward? It starts with the truth; it’s not about me. Yep, that’s right ________, it’s NOT about you! Life is about God. He created me, on purpose, to bring Him glory. It goes against most of what we hear on a daily basis, in our society, if we were to watch the news.:) But believing and living otherwise would be a never-ending, empty, uphill battle.

Making life choices, based solely, on what makes me “happy” will be a waste of my time. Seeking God first, allowing Him to lead and show me my purpose; that’s what He intended for this adventurous life. I think my struggle comes from a place of fear. Fear of not being able to do the things I once did; fear that I can’t handle a full time career. I can’t let those fears drive me or my decisions. What would bring God glory? That’s my purpose…

Matthew 10:39 says, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”

Matthew 7:7 says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

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Therapy Tuesday, Wednesday and…

It seems as though 3 sessions a week is becoming a norm in my life, ugh! Actually, the past couple weeks I have been there 4x a week, seriously?? giphyI know I’m on a fast track, but this need s to stop. For one, I can’t afford to keep going this often. Money is a huge stressor for me, since I resigned from my full time job in 2014.  The past 3-4 weeks has been difficult to manage my weekly budget. Taking time off right now would not be productive, yet I can’t keep using money I don’t have to go to therapy. The other part of this is my current, part-time job. The job is awesome, I have great bosses- who are exceptionally patient and understanding of my disorder and schedule. Although when I have difficult sessions, several times a week; I miss several hours of work on a weekly basis. Those two things combined, make for anxiety levels that get rather uncomfortable. There is no solution, that I know of, at this point. I have often thought about filling out paperwork for disability, but that seems wrong somehow…

When I resigned, I committed to therapy 2x a week, and my T is extremely generous with her time and rates. Honestly, I wouldn’t be this far along if that was not happening. I am truly grateful for her willingness to be flexible and generous. My prayers are always that God would bless her and her family abundantly more than she could ask or dare imagine. No doubt He sees her heart and how she is such a huge blessing to her clients. She always reminds us of what God is doing; for our good and His glory- He uses everything! Nothing is wasted, not one thing.

I guess I’m venting about things I can’t fix and that makes me frustrated. I know this isn’t going to last forever, but it feels like I’m drowning and getting deeper and further from the shore, so to speak. I don’t want to stop or slow down therapy when things are really working and going well. I tend to hit things hard and suffer that emotional hangovers later, but it works for me and my therapist. 🙂 I feel comforted that others, I read about, also suffer from shutting down after therapy. Or in my case unable to go back to work or even go the next day. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I think if I didn’t like my job or the people I work for, I would have been fired or quit long ago. Blessed they still want me there.

I feel exhausted emotionally, after two days of therapy in a row. But I should be used to this by now, right?? Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to discuss how my new medication is working; it is working great and I’m thankful to have it. Guess I’ll miss more work, but these things have to happen. Enough already! Geeshgiphy1