Tag Archives: Jesus

A Journey Begins…

It has been over 2 months since I’ve posted anything. After my last post in April, I started cutting back on my therapy. I have been going twice a week for about 3yrs; on difficult weeks, even more. The idea, of course, was mine; my therapist was hesitant at first. However, we spent a great deal of time talking through how it would work, feel, and explaining to everyone on the inside. I plan to share that at a later time…

I decided to only tell my husband because I wanted to wait and see how the changes would affect me or if I was ready. The perfectionistic part of me didn’t want to feel like a failure, which was another reason. And really, it was between me, my husband and my therapist.

By the end of May, lots of unfortunate events were taking place in my life. It was like déjà vu: “already seen”; when it occurs, it seems to spark our memory of a place we have already been, a person we have already seen, or an act we’ve already done. It is a signal to pay special attention to what is taking place, perhaps to receive a specific lesson in a certain area or complete what is not yet finished.  There is no way of predicting where each might lead or what it will teach you.  

I asked God to show me why this was happening again and to give me the strength and courage to walk with integrity and faith. Trusting Him was the only thing that made sense, so I did! Walking away from toxic people is what I’ve been learning to do for the last 6 years in therapy.

By this time, I had stopped going to therapy all together. I was excited about the chance to use all the things God had shown me and what I’ve learned in therapy. I knew how to take care of each part of me; we had all worked extremely hard, but it was strange for everyone. There were days when I questioned the decision to stop going, other days I was thrilled to know I would be okay and I could nurture all the parts of me. It was encouraging to know that I had the ability to walk in this new found freedom and do the things I’ve been learning.

It wasn’t always easy, especially during this particular event. Some days it felt like a test, too difficult to figure out and other days, it was very sad.

The most important thing I learned for myself and my community is: What God knows about me is more important than what anyone says or thinks about me. I’ve spent too long allowing abusive people to hurt me; I’ve spent hundreds of hours in therapy learning, growing and healing; I’ve allowed God to transform and bring healing to my life; I’ve learned about His unconditional love and watched Him bless my husband and sons in amazing ways; He showed us how to love, care and support one another.

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I wanted this to be an encouragement to anyone who would read this. We all have been wounded and hurt; some more than others, but we share a common bond on this site. We support and encourage each other. We are strangers, but we feel like friends. We would never consider saying or doing anything that would harm another person on here, right?? I cannot even imagine it happening. It’s a safe place with others who are finding healing and transformation!

I believe people hurt other people because they are, in fact, unhealthy. I am NOT perfect by any means, but I certainly cannot imagine saying and doing things to intentionally hurt people I care about. I know, all too well, what that is like…and just because I have a mental illness, does NOT mean I am an easy target. None of us should ever allow another  person the power to harm us or take on their shame, guilt and blame. Be the person God created you to be, not what others say about you!

So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. God always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.            Hebrews 10:24-25

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It’s Christmas time, oh my!

Didn’t get much sleep last night, not quit sure why this continues to happen.  Oh, I am aware that this is a normal happening of my DID, but it does get a bit frustrating. I know it is when most of my parts are active, but lately they seem quiet- and I suppose that could be a cause for concern too.

I believe, however, the reason is Christmas.  I struggle during  the holiday times, as I am sure most of you do as well.  This is my year of firsts….my first year to have zero contact with my parents.  Because they play a major role in my childhood abuse, at some point I knew I needed to find separation.

Just like my post yesterday; even though I know it’s unhealthy, I want my mom.  The same is true at the holidays, in that it’s Christmas, and aren’t we supposed to be with family, celebrating, and doing traditional things??  It feels like a push-pull feeling inside:  I want to-it’s not a good idea, maybe just this once-it would be bad for me and my parts, this time is could be different-tried that already…

My therapist and I discussed making Christmas different this year.  We had a good plan, even though I wanted her to encourage me not to participate in decorating, cookie baking, shopping, etc.  How does that happen? Just when I think she is letting me off the hook-bam!  Oh, I am sure it will be for the best.  It is always kind of funny when she blindsides me though. Ha!

Yesterday, I sat around thinking of asking my husband to collect the items from the attic, but I couldn’t.  Today as I sit here, it’s raining outside, cold, nothing to do, and wouldn’t this be the perfect day for decorating and making iced, cut-out, sugar cookies??  Well, yes it would!  But…I am fighting inside to make it happen.

Not sure if there are parts of me that do not want to celebrate this time of year.  As a I type this, I think that could be a dumb question- I won’t mention any names. I know the little ones are excited, because I took them shopping yesterday. My focus was completely messed up, and I felt like the dog from the movie “UP”- squirrel!  Every little light, sound, twinkle, toy, gift, and even the crowds, made for a day of chaos. I think I was gone for 4 hours, not sure what all happened, but we did get some things.

So, the question is why am I decorating?  My boys are 20 and 22, pretty sure they don’t care.  I know I don’t, but my husband wants to do something.  The little ones on the inside want to have Christmas, but if I’m undone, what good is it going to be?  I start to feel absolutely inadequate when it comes to decorating.  I don’t know where to put things, because I always had my critical, controlling and judgmental mom to help.  This is probably why, since I was 12 yrs. old, I drink on Christmas Eve-sometimes the entire bottle of wine!  This is also when my bulimia gets revved back up into full gear.

I also struggle with knowing why we celebrate this time of year, why it gets so out of control and that we really do miss the real reason.  It really is simply this:  Because of God’s great love for us, He gave us the greatest gift of all, when He sent His Son to this earth. Why?  That one day, He would die for us, to take all our sins away and give us yet another gift-salvation-if we believed in Him! That is the Good News of great JOY!

….and I’m sure that dirty stable, where Jesus was born, was not decked out in colored, blinking lights, greenery, pretty wrapped gifts, carols being sung by a fire, families arguing and fighting,  and crowds of angry people trying to get the latest deals!  Those large angry crowds came later….but that’s another story!

I understand that God gave something extremely precious to us all, and that we would model that during this time.  But we take it all too far.  We buy gifts for people we shouldn’t, spend more money than we have, get things we don’t need, and miss the simplicity of it all.

I want to buy 7 gifts, and they are for the people in my life that I care deeply for and wouldn’t be here without them.  I’m not spending much, but the message behind the gift is simple….thank you for giving to me!  I couldn’t EVER  pay them back, with money or things, for what they have given to me.  My prayer would be that God would bless their lives, exceedingly, abundantly, more than they could dare, ask, or ever imagine!  If I could wrap that up, I would!

Will I overcome the feelings of making my home look like Christmas?  I don’t know.  It’s not like talking about it again will make it better.  Not like the Christmas police will come and write me up a ticket. So, we’ll just have to wait and see…

God, give me the strength and courage to follow You today.  Guide my thoughts and actions, and keep my focus on You!  I trust You will show me what to do, even in the midst of my chaos.  Thank you for loving me so much, that I matter to You, and whatever I choose- I’ll still be good.

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Blessings!