Tag Archives: inner community

A Journey Begins…

It has been over 2 months since I’ve posted anything. After my last post in April, I started cutting back on my therapy. I have been going twice a week for about 3yrs; on difficult weeks, even more. The idea, of course, was mine; my therapist was hesitant at first. However, we spent a great deal of time talking through how it would work, feel, and explaining to everyone on the inside. I plan to share that at a later time…

I decided to only tell my husband because I wanted to wait and see how the changes would affect me or if I was ready. The perfectionistic part of me didn’t want to feel like a failure, which was another reason. And really, it was between me, my husband and my therapist.

By the end of May, lots of unfortunate events were taking place in my life. It was like déjà vu: “already seen”; when it occurs, it seems to spark our memory of a place we have already been, a person we have already seen, or an act we’ve already done. It is a signal to pay special attention to what is taking place, perhaps to receive a specific lesson in a certain area or complete what is not yet finished.  There is no way of predicting where each might lead or what it will teach you.  

I asked God to show me why this was happening again and to give me the strength and courage to walk with integrity and faith. Trusting Him was the only thing that made sense, so I did! Walking away from toxic people is what I’ve been learning to do for the last 6 years in therapy.

By this time, I had stopped going to therapy all together. I was excited about the chance to use all the things God had shown me and what I’ve learned in therapy. I knew how to take care of each part of me; we had all worked extremely hard, but it was strange for everyone. There were days when I questioned the decision to stop going, other days I was thrilled to know I would be okay and I could nurture all the parts of me. It was encouraging to know that I had the ability to walk in this new found freedom and do the things I’ve been learning.

It wasn’t always easy, especially during this particular event. Some days it felt like a test, too difficult to figure out and other days, it was very sad.

The most important thing I learned for myself and my community is: What God knows about me is more important than what anyone says or thinks about me. I’ve spent too long allowing abusive people to hurt me; I’ve spent hundreds of hours in therapy learning, growing and healing; I’ve allowed God to transform and bring healing to my life; I’ve learned about His unconditional love and watched Him bless my husband and sons in amazing ways; He showed us how to love, care and support one another.

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I wanted this to be an encouragement to anyone who would read this. We all have been wounded and hurt; some more than others, but we share a common bond on this site. We support and encourage each other. We are strangers, but we feel like friends. We would never consider saying or doing anything that would harm another person on here, right?? I cannot even imagine it happening. It’s a safe place with others who are finding healing and transformation!

I believe people hurt other people because they are, in fact, unhealthy. I am NOT perfect by any means, but I certainly cannot imagine saying and doing things to intentionally hurt people I care about. I know, all too well, what that is like…and just because I have a mental illness, does NOT mean I am an easy target. None of us should ever allow another  person the power to harm us or take on their shame, guilt and blame. Be the person God created you to be, not what others say about you!

So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. God always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.            Hebrews 10:24-25

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I’m back!

FullSizeRenderIt has been several days since I’ve posted anything.  My shopping trip was a success, and Kathleen got a sweet doll.  It is called “My First Hugging Doll”, and I believe that God showed us the perfect one.  Why??  Well, I have been struggling with how I can show affection to my little parts.  I want so badly to hug them, and let them know I love and care about them.

The doll, Kathleen named Lily, was exactly what she needed, but maybe what I needed to help her and the others as well.  I think for all of us with DID, we struggle at times to show our young parts the love and affection they so desperately need. It felt weird at first, but I was glad to finally embrace the experience.

The next day, it was like I was being attacked from every angle.  The horrible voice kept telling us, in the middle of the night, the doll needed to go, and that we didn’t deserve it.  When I woke up, it wasn’t in the bed, I didn’t sleep well, and started having a migraine.  The migraine lasted 2 days, and I had less than 3 hours of sleep each night.

Friday was therapy and I couldn’t wait to get all this worked out.  You know how you sometimes have a plan heading into therapy?  The only problem is, that once you get there, ‘the plan has left the building’! That is how my Friday session went.

I have always trusted my therapist, and how God leads our sessions, Friday was no exception.  Even though I thought we would go one direction, He took us a different and much better way.  We uncovered the horrible, berating voice, that appeared to be my father’s.  That was a rough and exhausting session, glad it ended well, and that it’s over!

Blessings!