Tag Archives: Hope

A Journey Begins…

It has been over 2 months since I’ve posted anything. After my last post in April, I started cutting back on my therapy. I have been going twice a week for about 3yrs; on difficult weeks, even more. The idea, of course, was mine; my therapist was hesitant at first. However, we spent a great deal of time talking through how it would work, feel, and explaining to everyone on the inside. I plan to share that at a later time…

I decided to only tell my husband because I wanted to wait and see how the changes would affect me or if I was ready. The perfectionistic part of me didn’t want to feel like a failure, which was another reason. And really, it was between me, my husband and my therapist.

By the end of May, lots of unfortunate events were taking place in my life. It was like déjà vu: “already seen”; when it occurs, it seems to spark our memory of a place we have already been, a person we have already seen, or an act we’ve already done. It is a signal to pay special attention to what is taking place, perhaps to receive a specific lesson in a certain area or complete what is not yet finished.  There is no way of predicting where each might lead or what it will teach you.  

I asked God to show me why this was happening again and to give me the strength and courage to walk with integrity and faith. Trusting Him was the only thing that made sense, so I did! Walking away from toxic people is what I’ve been learning to do for the last 6 years in therapy.

By this time, I had stopped going to therapy all together. I was excited about the chance to use all the things God had shown me and what I’ve learned in therapy. I knew how to take care of each part of me; we had all worked extremely hard, but it was strange for everyone. There were days when I questioned the decision to stop going, other days I was thrilled to know I would be okay and I could nurture all the parts of me. It was encouraging to know that I had the ability to walk in this new found freedom and do the things I’ve been learning.

It wasn’t always easy, especially during this particular event. Some days it felt like a test, too difficult to figure out and other days, it was very sad.

The most important thing I learned for myself and my community is: What God knows about me is more important than what anyone says or thinks about me. I’ve spent too long allowing abusive people to hurt me; I’ve spent hundreds of hours in therapy learning, growing and healing; I’ve allowed God to transform and bring healing to my life; I’ve learned about His unconditional love and watched Him bless my husband and sons in amazing ways; He showed us how to love, care and support one another.

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I wanted this to be an encouragement to anyone who would read this. We all have been wounded and hurt; some more than others, but we share a common bond on this site. We support and encourage each other. We are strangers, but we feel like friends. We would never consider saying or doing anything that would harm another person on here, right?? I cannot even imagine it happening. It’s a safe place with others who are finding healing and transformation!

I believe people hurt other people because they are, in fact, unhealthy. I am NOT perfect by any means, but I certainly cannot imagine saying and doing things to intentionally hurt people I care about. I know, all too well, what that is like…and just because I have a mental illness, does NOT mean I am an easy target. None of us should ever allow another  person the power to harm us or take on their shame, guilt and blame. Be the person God created you to be, not what others say about you!

So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. God always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.            Hebrews 10:24-25

Share Your Struggles…You Never Know

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 migraines since Friday! I realize that this is completely wrecking me physically, emotionally and mentally.  I can’t be present to myself, my family, my job, my life….when does it end? I’m sick of myself saying the same thing over and over again. Then the kind words from everyone saying…This is temporary,  it’s only a season, it won’t last, the worst is behind me, God has this, God has me, I am strong, brave, courageous…blah, blah, blah

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Now don’t get me wrong, I know all that is true! I am thankful for all of the support, but damn it, I want out of this pit. The crying is too much, and it comes out nowhere. I’m sure it’s a little depression; I certainly know what that feels like.  Not willing to get back on an antidepressant because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. My dissociation is stronger and more frequent, since I don’t like what it happening.

I attempted canceling therapy for tomorrow, using the migraine as a way out, even though it’s the truth.  However, the migraines are here because I need to talk through stuff and that means going to therapy.  My mental state has been so bad at times that I have wanted to call my parents so they can tell me I’m okay. Geesh! Like they have ever said I was okay…but that is where I am right now.

So right now I’m sitting in the dark, in my bed, alone, crying off and on (more on than off), my kids and husband are gone for the evening, and that is never a good combination. I have this “cocktail” of medication for my migraines, it only knocks me out, not the migraine, and I’m thinking, “Perhaps I should take 1 or 12 of these???”  I would be knocked out for sure- completely out!  But I’m not going to because it’s not who I am, who I want to be, and it’s not the answer.

So I want to share something I read tonight as I lay here in this depressed state….I believe God gives us exactly what we need at exactly the perfect time. I was going through and reading blogs that I follow, catching up and hoping to find some encouragement along the way.  This “blog community” has been a valuable resource for me in my healing journey.  But this particular blog I read possibly changed my perspective, well not possibly, it absolutely, without question, took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and unmistakably changed my thinking.

I don’t believe in coincidences, but believe God is in all things, speaks through others, even when they don’t realize.  God uses our struggles to make us stronger, but also when we speak them, share them, write them on a post; He will use them all!

Tonight when I arrived home from work, early, due to an oncoming migraine, I was taking my jewelry off and I noticed the 2 pictures I have hanging above my dresser.  One is when I was 5yrs old and the other I think 7 or 8.  I just stared at them for a moment and then got in bed and began to cry, thinking all this is so not worth another day!

And then I read Rachel’s blog post. This is what changed things for me.  She shared her struggles, who suicidal thinking, all the while being honest and vulnerable.

I don’t think I would actually pull the trigger. I don’t think, even if I had a gun, I could actually do it. Because I don’t believe in killing, and I am a person. And would be killing a person. And also, that 3 year old keeps flashing in my mind. That 3 year old me, I can’t shoot her in the head. I looked at an old picture, and just can’t imagine killing her. So I don’t think I am actually in danger, I just feel really bad right now. And I don’t even feel reactive about it, that I need to necessarily do anything about it, other than take care of myself and wade through it as best I can until it passes. Clearly something is being worked out.”

Thank you, Rachel! Thank you for being real, honest and seen.  You had no idea when you put those words out there that someone, somewhere, would be encouraged. God used your life experiences to get me through a difficult place.

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Answers, Sadness, Migraine, Hope

27613-dont-worry-god-control-800x600I was able to work through some of the difficult emotions I shared in my last post. Pushing through and allowing myself to feel each one was difficult, yet necessary.  It was okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and even cry about what was happening.  The challenging piece was to share it with those people in my life that I had attached to those feelings.  I managed well, and we are stronger because of it all.

My teenage part was able to share her secret with me.  I must say, I didn’t handle it well.  It wasn’t that I was angry at her for what she did, I felt responsible that she had to, once again, protect me from “life”.  It made me sad for her, and I desperately wanted to take that pain away.  Of course, I blame myself, because ultimately it’s my life that I can’t handle. Hence the vicious cycle of having DID…thankful for the parts of me, feel responsible for what they endured, grateful that they protected me, sad they had to suffer horrific events…

Another thing I didn’t handle well was I walked out of my therapy session with 30 minutes left…which was not my finest hour for sure.  My therapist had shared ahead of time what my teenager had to tell with me was not “that bad”.  So, when she finished telling me what she had done, I was shocked, and completely taken by surprise.  I sat there for a minute or two and thought, what am I going to say? My therapist didn’t think it was a big deal, and I am devastated by this news!  I got up, paid her, and said I was leaving.

I spent 30 minutes walking around, unsure of what to do, say, think, etc.  I cried nonstop, wanted to numb, dissociate, anything to make it go away. I made it back to my car and went to work.  By 7:30 that night, I was nauseated and headed for bed. Shame swirled and engulfed the insides of me for failing to deal with issues, and causing  parts of me to suffer once again.  It seemed to consume every fiber of my being; it was all I thought about as I lay awake all night.

When I got to work yesterday, the migraine began to set in fairly quickly.  I knew it was my teenager struggling, probably with my reaction to her news.  Even though I reassured her, it was not her fault, no blame, she did what she felt needed to be done and I wasn’t upset or angry with her at all.  It’s hard to understand, I’m sure from her perspective, that I would need time to process and “feel” this new information.  She wants me to be okay, happy, and not the cause of my grief.  I understand, but I still have to “feel” the feelings, or it will cause much more pain down the road.

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I know she is struggling with wanting to drink and cut right now, because I can feel it.  It is hard to explain how, exactly, but I can feel it inside.  I am encouraging her to share and open up as much as she can.  She does message our therapist, which is good for her right now.  Grateful that she can do that, and it is acceptable with my T. She sent some messages this morning, and that is encouraging to me.  Isolation is never the answer for anyone of us, even though it is awfully tempting.

While I was getting ready this morning, I heard a song on Air1, called Flawless, by MeryMe.  I immediately pulled it up on my computer and watched the lyric video (which I am attaching to this post).  God’s timing, perfect, as usual. I played it for her and said that this is how God and me feel about you!  We love you so deeply, and want you to be strong!

Today, we are stepping out in faith, believing things are changing, and having hope for new beginnings and for things we can’t even ask or dare imagine!

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Click below for video

Flawless

 

Friday Therapy

Yesterday was a long session, I was preparing mentally for it all week. I had shared in my previous post about the body memories and how it was affecting us all.  This was what we worked on yesterday.  I knew I needed to be present as Kat shared her trauma,  to hear it, understand it, and love her through it.  She shared hard things, painful memories, and I am so proud of her, she is so brave!

What I’ve learned about myself in all of this, is that each part of me has a story to share, whether it be trauma, abuse, neglect, or anything thing else.  They came for a specific purpose- to help me, and keep me protected.  They need to feel safe, believed and know I’m going to be okay before they share anything.

This process takes a long time, but can take even longer unless you have a therapist who understands, knows what they are doing with DID, and cares about you and your inside parts.  I will say, it is difficult to find someone qualified enough to walk you through the journey, but when you find them….do the work it takes, you are worth being whole and healed!

We made it through the session, crying, wrapped up in a blanket and curled up on the couch…there seems to be comfort in being wrapped in a blanket.  My inner circle of support have started calling it the “Blanket of Vulnerability”.  I am not a fan of vulnerability or sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions, because at a young age- it wasn’t allowed.  I am learning to do it now, it’s painful at times, but oh, so necesssary for healing.

None of this is easy.  No one said it would be. It’s painful and grueling at times. I hate that. I am embracing it. I do my best. I keep fighting.  I stumble and fall.  I get back up.  I hit the restart button.  I know God is with me.  He has gone before me.  He gives me strength. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And I am going to be okay, even good!

My hope is in the Lord….my hope of finding healing and wholeness can only come through Him.  I love these quotes from the movie Shawshank Redemption, I know that seems weird, but they have encouraged me many times.

 

 

…He will wipe every tear from my eyes

imagesRevelation 7:17 says, “For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd.  He will lead them to springs of life-giving water.  And God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”

One day, we will be made new, whole, healed, no more sorrow and no more tears.  I long for this day, but for now I will praise God in the storms; the days when if feels like I have been overtaken with the burdens of my past.

Today I helped my friend lead worship in a small church.  I love to worship, but it has not been easy for me this past year.  I struggle with strong emotions and most times have to cancel last minute.  As we prepared for this morning, things were going well, and I felt as though God was giving me a small blessing to be able to share who He is, with this group of people.

However, as the service time grew closer, the tears began to form and I wasn’t sure why it was happening.  Inside, I felt a stirring, possibly K (my teenage part), I wasn’t sure.  I would sing, and then feel more tears surface, sing more, and cry more.  The pastor shared a verse from Revelation 5, about Jesus, the Lamb who was slaughtered and blood poured out for each one of us, for the forgiveness of our sins.  I am currently doing a study in the book of Revelation, and I had learned of this verse and it’s true meaning. Today, as I listened to it being read, I couldn’t stop the tears.

When I got home, I decided to text my therapist, to see if she may have some insight into what might be going on with K or what.  She has been talking to her during our therapy sessions, but I haven’t been able to hear their conversations the past two sessions.  She said they have been talking about God, how He loves her, how He’s washed her white was snow, and that she is a new creation, etc. Wow, all these feelings were surfacing during church this morning.

I know it’s rare, but I am thankful I chose a Christian therapist 4 years ago, because she has helped me in so many ways.  I have struggled, since my DID diagnosis, with my relationship with the Lord.  I know He loves me and He has a plan for my life that is GOOD,  that He will never leave, abandon or abuse me (unlike my parents).  She reminds me of His truths and promises, and I am truly grateful for her leadership in this area.  On top of all that, she is extremely gifted in working with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  She is an answer to my prayers and God is using her in mighty ways to bring healing- spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

I am always in awe of how God works, even when I doubt, when I’m afraid, or if I feel like He isn’t there.  I have an 8yr old part (Wendy) who taught me a song this past year.  She used to sing it in therapy, and eventually I looked it up online to see if it was an actual song.  Guess what?  It was!

The lyrics were from the “Inscription of Hope”: Based on fragments of Jewish text found on a cellar wall in Cologne, Germany during the Holocaust- World War II.  It is believed  to have been scrawled by a child hiding from the Nazis in 1943.

“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God
even when He is silent”
She has inspired not only me, but the “others” inside with this song of hope.  And we believe…even when God is silent.
 Psalm 91:4 says, “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”
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