Tag Archives: God

Monday and Tuesday Sessions

I went in for an added session on Monday morning.  I was struggling with migraines over the weekend, my new part, M had been texting my T while I was out cold on medication.  It’s always interesting to read communication between my parts and T.  She must have been thinking we couldn’t wait for the Tuesday session to get resolve.  I agreed, and we spent 2 hours on Monday trying to get M to explain why he was keeping me stuck in my trauma, and not wanting me to get well.

He struggled to speak; he described the panic feeling like someone sitting on his chest.  I often have that same feeling, so I was glad to know it was a real issue.  Sometimes I think the physical issues I experience are “just in my head”….not true though.  My T was asking me about my relationship with my brother, more in-depth than what we’ve done with him before. As I was sharing information, a major revelation came to me about my dad and brother.  I must have had an odd look on my face, because my T said, “What are you thinking right now?” My response was that she probably is thinking that for several years she’s listened to me talk about having a close relationship to my dad, but yet has heard me describe horrible things about him. Then when my 8yr old part, Wendy, shared what he had done to me, it was all to confirming of what she speculated and my worst fears!  So, hearing things about my brother, was starting to sound all to familiar-for both of us.

When M came to talk, he shared that my brother and I were very violent, and physically with each other.  He was 2 yrs. older, but I was a fighter.  He was the first born, first grandchild, and had an obvious handicap at birth.  My dad never connected with him, and since my dad was athletic, as a young man, his dreams vanished, when he saw my brother. How very sad!! My brother and I competed with each other, and since I played sports, and was good at them, I got the attention of my dad.  Even if it was negative, it was attention my brother needed as well. We would beat each other up, he mostly won the battles, and would sit on my chest or choke me until I called him “master”.

M told my therapist that I would never say it, that I kept fighting to get out from under him. So he said it, because he thought I would die from being sat on or choked. It made me sad to hear all of that, but he was convinced I needed to stay connected to the abusive words of my family, in order to survive.  He felt he needed to protect me from my T because getting well, was not an option.  We realized M was being negatively influenced by the bond with my family.  We needed to break that bond, but it was strong, and it had an intense hold on him.

I was so tired by the time I got up to leave. My T reassured me that we were getting somewhere, but it was going to take lots of prayer, preparation, and direction.  Later that evening she contacted me asking if I would like to come in (the next day) Tuesday at 9am. She asked that we both be in prayer for God’s leading and she would contact me in the morning to see how I felt.  I sleep 4 straight hours (which is good for me), ran 5 miles, prayed and listened to worship music the whole run, and when I walked in the door at 6:45am, she was texting me.  “Well, what is God saying to you about today?”  she asked. My response was, “I slept, ran 5 miles, am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, He gives me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow and blessing all mine. So, I’m ready for whatever He has….I think.” 

She must have had a similar feeling because her response back was, “Sounds good. Let’s meet at my office at 9am.”  This is what I love about my T, and why I believe my therapy has been guided by the Lord. God is in every aspect of my healing process and we both acknowledge that along the way. Before we began the session, she walked over, took my hand and asked if she could pray. This was not anything new for me, but today we were following God’s leading from the beginning.  When she finished praying, I felt a strong urge to pray for her, but at the same time, had a feeling of “I’m not worthy” or “my prayers can’t be heard; I’m too messed up”.  Those are all lies that satan wanted me to believe in that moment, but I was going to overcome.  I stopped her mid sentence, took ahold of her hand, and said it’s my turn.  When I finished, we were both wiping our eyes, but were confident in what we needed to do next.

We spent the first hour recapping and she began to discuss what my brother was like growing up, things he did, was involved in, friends he had, etc.  It was eye opening to me to recall the past, and realize that my brother had some spiritual influences that were NOT good, actually a bit scary. Those influences needed to be broken off of me through M.  The next hour was a blur for me, but absolutely life-changing for M.  My T prayed for the influence/bond to be broken and then she led M to the Lord. She told him about God’s love for him, that Jesus died for him, and asked if he wanted to begin a relationship today.  He was forgiven and saved, free and whole…all in one session.  If that isn’t God at work, I don’t know what is!!   He cares for me as much as He cares for the individual parts of me.  It was His plan from the beginning, to provide a way for me to survive the horrible abuse/trauma I endured as a child.  That’s how much God loves people (parts included)!

It was exhausting for M, myself and I’m sure my T, but what a beautiful outcome.  M asked if he could have a new name, a real name, not one that was a reminder of what he had to endure. My T said of course, and asked God to give him a name.

The night before, I had posted a verse out of James, and he must have been present while I was reading through the book.  But here is the cool God piece, (as if the other things weren’t) my therapist doesn’t read my blog, and she didn’t know about reading the book of the bible when she said, “How about James? That is a strong name, he was one of Jesus’ disciples, and I think it would be a good, new name for you.” 

I almost burst into tears as I listened from behind the scenes. Seriously?? God is so GOOD! This was the verse,  James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. All of my support team was in prayer the night before, and I believe that God used everything for His purpose, but for the good of my community!

My younger parts emerge shortly after to describe what they were seeing on the inside.  They thanked my T for helping M, now James, and that it felt much safer inside.  They also said it was much brighter.  Wendy (8) said it was like the sun kept rising, and the light was bright and flittering.  How precious!  She said it was like fireworks in the daytime and no loud booms-LOL.  She is so sweet and sincere.  She said everyone was coming out to watch the bright light.  In a bizarre kind of way, I envisioned all the little munchkins coming out of hiding and celebrating; the big bad witch was dead. However, this was a celebration of new life, God’s goodness, mercy and freedom.

So, it’s Wednesday night, I’ve felt emotional all day, but in a good way.  I am tired, worn out, but blessed.  Grateful for a T who loves the Lord, seeks Him, and allows Him to direct our work together.  Healing only comes from God; He uses people (my therapist) to help us along the way and believe that we can do this difficult, grueling, and intense work.

Tomorrow I go in for my third session of the week; my T is on vacation next week. I am ready for a break, but nervous that I will not be connecting with her after all this new information and work. I’m sure she is ready to take time off; I can’t imagine how difficult it is to work with me, let alone all the other clients she sees.  Wow!!  I know there is tons of stuff in this post, but I needed to get it out!  I hope tomorrow is an easy, relaxing session.

 

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Finding Courage

My desire to be well has been the driving force behind my intense, long, and sometimes difficult weekly sessions in therapy.  I do not want to give space for satan to “steal, kill, and destroy, anything we have done to this point.  Even when I post the difficult feelings, I know the truth that God is always there, working, healing, and strengthening me to keep moving forward.  It is easy to forget, especially when the view is clouded with doubt, fear, and being bad.

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My T contacted me the other day because I attempted to cancel this Friday’s session.  I emailed her saying, I need to cancel my appt. on Friday.  Two minutes later my phone is ringing, and it’s her number. When I saw it was her name on my phone, it brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t answer.  I’m not sure about the tears or why I couldn’t answer. She emailed back, rather quickly, with her response, No. At first I thought, she can’t tell me, No. Then I remembered that we had decided long ago, that if she needed to be direct with me, it was okay.  I need that at times, especially if I get to the spiraling phase.

About 8:30pm that evening, she sent me a text asking why I hadn’t returned her call or responded to the email.  I sent a text back saying, Good question. Really, I didn’t know why I hadn’t responded.  I think it was the feeling of abandonment that has been pretty heavy for me lately. I have been pushing my husband and son’s away, along with isolating from my friends.  My dysfunctional thinking is, “If I push my inner circle away first, they can’t hurt me anymore.” Not my best thinking, for sure, but it feels so real.

Our back and forth texting led to the decision for me to go to my session tomorrow.  I am trying to prepare myself to share, honestly how I feel, and the issues from last Friday’s session.  I have made copies of my recent blog posts, and plan on reading them to her. It will help me stay focused, say what I need (in case I cry), and give me a little courage.  Finding the courage to say, “I’m angry at myself and you”, is going to be difficult.  I already feel badly about the whole thing, feeling responsible for the mess I’m in emotionally.

Make this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that my feelings are legitimate and I have a right to feel them.”

These are the on-going, internal battles that I fight along this journey.  They aren’t as frequent and they don’t seem to ‘take me out’ as long as they did before.  I know I have the strength to fight, along with my T, who hasn’t give up on me.

 

 

What Do I Want to Do??

This has been a question I’ve been struggling with for the past 2-3 years.  I have maintained a full-time career, until I resigned from my job in January 2014.  I was unable to work and do the necessary transformation work of therapy at the same time. This has been the first time I’ve experienced inadequacies in my professional life.  It would be impossible for me to return to any of the previous positions in jobs I’ve held. This is both sad and frustrating for me!  I know the work I’m doing in therapy is extremely important, but the more I continue, the further away I feel from ever going back to having any type of career.

It is, like everything you read about DID treatment, the hardest, most grueling, painful process anyone can endure.  Of course, I told myself that would not be the case for me.  WRONG!  Now I am venturing into the work of myself, my feelings, my emotions, my memories…and it is overwhelmingly painful.  The emotions it triggers are, at times, too much for me to handle.

Trust God, Pray about it, Surrender your agenda, Be patient with yourself, Tell God I’m struggling (he already knows), Believe His plans are good, He will never leave you, He loves you, He will strengthen you…

I know and hear these truths all the time, but sometimes, I can’t do, see or feel any of it! I know in those moments, I am being attacked, and that satan wants nothing more than to keep me in this state of uncertainty, failure, worthlessness, and shame.  I want to be able to give back, share what God has done in my life, speak about DID-so others will have a better understanding and maybe help that person like me.

On days like today, I can’t think about taking another step. I want time away from therapy, I am afraid to share what I feel inside, how it feels to be me, and stay connected/present at the same time.  The roller coaster of wanting to fight through or running from, keeps me from seeking what it is God wants for me.

 

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It’s My Turn

In an email to my therapist, my teenage, protector part (B) said this, “Well, it’s her turn now.  She (me) wants us to “get it out” now she can.  We aren’t the only ones with those shitty memories.”  Wow, that was a stinger!  Although she is right, I want each of my parts to share, ‘get out’ whatever they need and feel safe;  I hesitate to begin my own processing.

My session on Tuesday was not as long as normal, I had put together an outline of things I wanted to talk about, but could never get there. I felt scattered in my thinking, on the verge of tears, and was struggling to tell my T how I was feeling.  As soon as I would start talking, I could feel the tears surface.

We discussed the session last week, with my parts and the abuse they endured. It is always beneficial to process afterwards, and we had done that last week, and again on Tuesday. I feel surprisingly at peace with what took place, even though it was emotionally and physically exhausting. From there, I shared how the day before I couldn’t go to work, spiraled into wrong thinking that, “maybe I don’t really have DID”, “maybe I can begin communication with my family now”, “maybe this is all my fault”, blah, blah blah!  Geesh, I know all this is normal thinking along the way, but when does it stop??

I also talked about how I feel like I’m holding these 2 bubble lives, one bubble has my husband, boys, friends and therapist, and the other bubble is my hometown, my family of origin, old friends and abusers.  The first bubble is where I live now, with care, support and love I receive from everyone in the bubble.  I can go for a week and say that this is my new life, family, friends, etc. and I don’t ever need to make contact with my home family.  Then the second bubble pops up and I tell myself I can never change, this is my reality, the people in there will never believe me or support me, but that is because I caused all this mess.  I went on to say the first bubble is “to good to be true”, eventually someone is going to pop it and I will be abandoned once again.  So, I need to pop it myself, because it won’t hurt as badly as it did the times before. I need to cut them off before they cut me off!

My T responded with something rather shocking…she said both bubbles are true.  The first one is full of people who love, care and support you.  They do that, not because they have to, but because they want to. And they will not pop the bubble.  The second bubble is also true, it represents my past, the hurt, abuse, abandonment, etc. It has people who intentionally hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I should hold it, or want to be in it.  The people in the first bubble want me to grow, heal and succeed, but not the ones in the second bubble.

She said, “What kind of parent doesn’t want the best for their child, to love them unconditionally, help them when they need help??  You were able to do these things for your boys, and model for them what was never modeled for you.” 

I started to cry and said, “How was/is that even possible?  I shouldn’t know how to do those things.”  She smiled, that comforting and caring smile, and said, “God.  He was able to help you do things that, statistics say you could not.”  Tears, probably of joy, ran down my face as I tried to take that in and sit with the truth.  Only God, who loves, saved, cares about, and wants good for me, could do the impossible. I am eternally grateful.

I heard this the other day, and it constantly comes to my mind.  “Encourage means to fill with courage. You have the power to give courage to others.”  I am constantly being filled with courage from my husband, sons, my ‘3 damn therapist’ friends, and my own therapist! They are my biggest encouragers, and I am blessed to have them in my life!

“Courage is being brave and afraid at the very same time.”

 

 

“I Hope I Never ______ in Therapy”

We all have those fears of what you never want to happen in therapy, right?  Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always had a short list of things I hope never happened while in a therapy session.  Keep in mind that I have DID, and parts of me have done things I am not aware of while dissociating. Sometimes it is unpleasant to know I have done something I am not aware of, but that’s how it happens.

Here are my top 3, “I hope I never______in therapy.”k15253103

  1. Vomit 
  2. Take my clothes off
  3. Am face down on the floor

I am going to finish the events that began Tuesday during therapy, and talk about my 3hr. session Thursday.  Starting Wednesday morning until Thursday morning, emails from my teenage part (who I’m calling B) and my T were lighting up my inbox.  I would always know when my T would respond, but not aware of when B would send one.  B was discussing with my T, what could be done about her split part, Scott. How she didn’t want him to suffer, hurt or feel embarrassed.  They are best buds, so it was hard for her to make him do something he didn’t want to do, even if it was necessary.

B took us to the session, and began to explain to my T she had a “revelation” while we were running that morning.  I couldn’t wait to hear what it was, and yet I had an idea.  She went on to say, her whole life she has tolerated pain, no matter how extreme, because what was the point? She realized that by me not saying what we needed, when we are sad, hurt, afraid, in pain, etc. that the consequence was to endure pain.  My parents never allowed for my siblings and me to say those things.  They weren’t nurturing, loved conditionally, punished severely if you did anything wrong, and were abusive.  It didn’t take me long to learn I needed no one but myself, I decided right and wrong, because no else cared….especially the people who were supposed to care.

My T took that information, sat down in front of B and said, “Then tell Scott what you and Kathy need, so he can stop the pain.” In an instant, I felt pain shoot through me and so did B.  She could hardly talk between trying to catch her breath from the pain. I began to hear faint whispers from her to Scott, saying please help me, I need your help, I need you. It was terribly sad, but my pain level, like hers, kept me from thinking of nothing other than how to stop the pain.

My T took B’s hand, maybe to somehow comfort her, I’m not sure.  B grabbed her hands and as fast as the pain arrived, Scott arrived that quickly. It was as if B connected them, to tell Scott that he as in good hands, and for my T to help him finish.  As the pain continued to increase, he kept saying he needed to get up (best idea ever).  I was hoping he would do something, but it appeared as though he was leaning over and lay on the couch….nope!

He slide right down, off the couch, and face down on the floor.  I began to feel my body shake, not like other times, but more like convulsing. He could barely get words out, as he was reliving the trauma he took from B.  My T was sitting in her chair above him, walking him through, reminding him he was no longer there, he can’t be hurt like that anymore, and that he was safe.  He struggled to say complete sentences, but basically he was a hero, and took some horrible abuse for his “best friend”.

I was caught off guard when everything came to a complete standstill, no pain, no shaking, no talking, nothing.  At first, I thought to myself, “I think I died down here,” but that immediately passed when the convulsing and pain started up again. He began to scare me a little, I wanted it to end for all of us.  My T, in her wisdom, took hold of his hand again and began to talk him through the infamous, “Search and Rescue”.  As she took his hand, she asked if he could feel it, then said it was time to get out- once and for all!  I don’t know why/how that all works, but it does, PRAISE the Lord, it does!

It was a slow transition coming back from him to B and then me.  I opened my eyes, my T asked if I was okay, and I responded by asking her to walk out so I could get up, take my things and leave.  She chuckled a bit, and said she didn’t think that was a good idea.  Then I asked her to close her eyes while I got up, and walked out.  Again, same response from her.  Honestly, how does a person transition from that place, those events, that information?? I thought it was a great idea!

Courage for me, in that moment, was to be vulnerable, feel the emotions and say what I needed….because wasn’t that B’s “revelation” from the beginning.  I took her advice, stayed, cried, shared my honest /deepest emotions, and we processed together. I sat on the floor the whole time, my therapist asked me about my pain level, and realized I no longer felt any of that pain in my “backside”!! Unbelievable, really!  This is how God has worked this entire journey, I am constantly amazed by His love, care, protection and mighty hand at work in my life.  He is so good, and faithful.  He has orchestrated every step of my therapy and I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Sorry for the length of this post.  I wanted to share even though it was painful, so, so exhausting and emotional; it was also beautiful that way it ended.  No more pain, parts doing hard work to heal, and seeing God work miracles.  I left there, took a 2 hr nap, shared the events with my wonderful husband, and that night slept 6 straight hours!!!! WooooHoooo!

****For the record, I have never done 1 or 2 on my list above! 🙂

 

 

 

And Then it Happened, the Shocker

My therapy was moved an hour and a half later on Tuesday.  It was a last minute change, which in the past, would upset me to no end.  Now, it is easier because I know her personality type and since I know mine well, I can see things from her perspective. I also like to think I’ve grown and handle things better too. My learning about personality types has been a valuable tool in my life, relationships, and therapy. Finding something that helps us with transformation, as well as understanding and having compassion for others, benefits everyone.  This personality tool has been a huge blessing in understanding my parts’ personalities too.  Anyway, I could go on and on about that…..

My other teenager, who I’ll call B, came that day because this month is her hardest trauma from the past.  She, unlike my other teenage part, is athletic, strong, direct, no nonsense, leader, and the protector of the system.  She has endured horrible things on my behalf when I was engaged to a guy I met in college.  March was the month of the engagement, and also the intensity of sexual abuse.  It breaks my heart when I hear of the horrific events in my life, she protected me from. Blessed and saddened by it all.

This month is also when I experience some my worst pain (body memories).  The abuse was intense,  I had to have reconstructive surgery in 2003, to repair the rectal damage. This pain is my least favorite, for obvious reasons, and for B as well.  Up to now, she has shared all the abuse, so you can understand my shock and confusion, when it flared up again.  She hates to be vulnerable, doesn’t want to appear weak, and only says the bare minimum, unless you ask specifically.  It is frustrating at times, but because I know her personality type, I get it. She does not trust well or many people. My T and her have an incredible relationship; they respect each other a great deal. My T also requests her help, at times, to get the inside system running smoothly when it gets out of hand.

As B was sharing some life events, that were all new to me, she and I began to experience horrible pain.  She had told about the day in 1989 when, my then, fiancé’s parents met mine for the first time, to go over wedding plans.  It was so enlightening for me to hear it, and nothing came as surprise.  How terrible for anyone to endure a day of people judging, manipulating, criticizing, and being down right mean.  As the pain became increasingly worse, and I was unsure of the source, or if she had more trauma to share. Suddenly, I became unaware of anything else from that point…

The next thing I knew, I was outside, down the sidewalk from my T office, and sitting on the curb. I got up, dazed, a bit confused, and headed to my car.  No keys, no phone, no purse, not sure of the time, no purse, what the *****.  Now, I’m faced with having to walk back into the office, hoping she isn’t in session, and locating my purse, keys, and phone.  Thankfully, I had 20 minutes left in my session, so I walked back in and hoped she could explain what happened.

Apparently when the pain intensified, B, who we knew had a split part, male, named Scott, abruptly came out. He put an end to the discussion, stating He no longer wanted B to suffer through this crap (he used lots of bad words). He paced around her office, was angry, unwilling to listen to my T, and wanted nothing to do with saying what was really going on.  My T is a smart lady, she knew he was hiding something, called him out on it, and said he was afraid.  All of that was true, however, he wasn’t going to budge…so he walked out!  That is why I was outside.

All along, we have thought he simply came in, like a knight in shining armor and saved her from anymore abuse. We didn’t think he had part of the trauma too.  You can imagine my shock in hearing he did, indeed, have trauma; he is a guy, and the abuse was in an extremely bad place. It was too much for me, and I grabbed my things, paid my money, and headed to the door.  As I reached for the doorknob, I turned around,  asked my T, “Are we going to be okay?”  she smiled, that familiar, compassionate smile and responded, “Yes, you are all going to be okay.” 

The rest of the day, and the following were filled with anxiety and concern as to what needed to happen next.  I knew that B and Scott had to figure out the next steps. Ultimately, he must share, like every part has done, to experience freedom and stop the pain from happening to him, B and myself.  Lots of emails between my T and B took place that next day, which led to an idea and potential solution.

Lots of prayers, and trusting God for the outcome, were at the forefront of my mind.  I am a “fix it” kind of person, so this was difficult for me to let my parts work out the details of what would take place during the Thursday session.  I’m glad that God is in control, although sometimes I think I am, His ways are ALWAYS best and PERFECT!

*My next post will have what took place Thursday….I’m a few days behind.

Therapy changed days, and change happens

My usual Friday, long session, was moved to Thursday, except I didn’t know how long it was going to last.  She, my T, asked if I could come Thursday at 11am, but I didn’t ask her about the length of time.  I guess it didn’t matter because we kept going until I shared along with 3 other parts.  Whew!  Those are very exhausting sessions, when I switch multiple times.  It didn’t help that I walked into her office already crying…and continued for the next hour I was present and sharing the following…

I was able to share my feelings (yuck), my irrational thinking (which I was aware of), and my fears of being vulnerable and honest with her.  It was painful, and she kept trying to reassure me that wasn’t accurate or true (which I knew) after each piece, which made it harder to stay focused.  I was able to get through each one and then I thanked her for all the time and generosity she gives, above and beyond what I deserve.  She allows me to contact her more than what I know to be normal for most clients.  I also thanked her for caring about me and my parts.

She complimented me on the work I am doing, saying it’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do, and that I am the first client, with DID, she has had that worked this hard.  She said that my perseverance through the difficult things has been like none she has seen before.  All of those kind words were extremely hard to hear, believe and hold as my own.  I am someone who can immediately hear a compliment then throw it out or completely disregard it because I don’t believe it to be truth. So, making myself look straight at her, and say, “Thank you”, and believe her words was a big step for me.images

The session ended well, my teenage part, that has been the focus as of late, came and shared how the two of us are learning to work together.  She is realizing her coping/numbing mechanisms are not healthy or a solution. I am thankful for how far she has come, the work she is doing, and her sincere love and concern for me.  I’m learning that she has been closest to the surface, more than any other part.

She was followed by my 8 yr old, Wendy, who had colored a page, with a frog, for my T.  Frogs are her favorite, and she loves talking about them.  A few minutes after she came, my 5 yr old, Sis, showed up to present her coloring page from the movie, “Inside Out”.  She and my T talked about the movie and good memories they both experienced.  It is always so precious and sweet to listen to the “littles” visit with my T.  She is wonderful with my parts, but uniquely gifted when it comes to my “littles”.  The ability to get on their level, speak to them, and engage in conversation that makes them feel completely at ease…is extraordinary.

My night went well, I actually slept for about 5 straight hours, and that is amazing. The two days of migraines were gone, and my community felt more at ease than it has for the last two weeks.  God is good and still in control.  His plans and purposes for my life are and will always be for good, always!  He loves me along with each and everyone of my parts.  The same God that gave me a way out of abuse, through dissociation, is the Creator of the universe and every living thing.  god-says-you-are-2

Body Memories Suck!

Today was my 3hr session, and it always amazes me how emotionally exhausting it can be. Tonight the emotional hangover sets in and I begin the process of dissecting what took place.  My teenager arrived first thing, which means she drives us there and starts the session. We discovered she had a relapse this morning, which makes me sad for her.  After doing so well for the past 2 weeks, it was a struggle to cope with the things she had shared during Tuesday’s session.

I certainly was not upset with her, she did what she felt was necessary.  I wasn’t sure what was going to take place in today’s session, but once again, I was blindsided. I had noticed a bruise on the upper part of my leg this morning, in the shower. Surprisingly, I seemed puzzled by how it happened.  My teenager talked about how difficult it was to see me so upset and feel responsible after Tuesday. My T spent quality time talking with her about forgiveness, grace, and that letting go of the things, we try so hard to hide, only hurts us in the end. She responded very well.

….enter the blindside….                    ****TRIGGER WARNING****

She said that I noticed a bruise and she wanted to tell me what had happened to cause it to appear.  She began to shake, almost to the point that seemed uncontrollable.  I could feel it as well, and hear what she was saying.  I was thankful for her allowing me to listen from the beginning, but I knew it was going to be difficult.  My T moved beside her, covered her with a blanket, and reassured her that she was safe. She began sharing about the night I got engaged (college boyfriend, who raped me and later on I returned to the relationship unaware, because of my DID, that he was abusive) to a guy who I didn’t really love.  It was the worst proposal ever!  He was at my family home, waiting for me to return from a conference.  He handed the ring to me while I was opening the cabinet to get a glass, and said, “I thought you may want this so we could make it official.”  Really?? Not even on one knee?  No expression of your love and dedication?  Nope, none, zilch, nada!

My equally abusive parents were in the next room, sitting in their usual chairs, watching TV, when I walked in to say, “I’m engaged.”  They didn’t move, hug me, take a picture, congratulate us, nothing!  They said, “Ya, we heard.”  What??? I’m I in some sort of freaking nightmare?  Wow, could it get any worse?  Oh ya!

At some point I dissociated and headed to bed.  Apparently, I was unaware that he had to stay at our home, since he lived 4 hours away.  My teenage part began to share that he forced her/me to have sex and caused the bruising on my legs.  As she shared more, she continued to shake the entire time, wondering why she couldn’t “go away” and why he was so rough and mean.  The automatic body responses followed and she began to cry and asking for my T to explain what happened.

I wanted to wrap my arms around her, hold her tight, and tell her everything was going to be okay. My T was so good at calming her down, making her feel safe and cared for in that very moment. When I returned to the present, I broke down and sobbed. I asked if I was ever going to be normal again, if this was ever going to end, and why did my parts and myself, have to go through all this suffering.  My T must have been crying as well, which is so comforting and validating (in a caring way).

Honestly, I don’t know how any T could hear these kinds of events in clients’  lives  and not have some type of reaction.  They are strong and courageous people, who have a unique and special gift to work with trauma victims. May God bless them and the work they do!

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After about 20 minutes of tears, hugs, and prayer, I was able to gather my thoughts  and talk through what I had just heard.  I took a break and went to the bathroom, and noticed that my other leg had a bruise in about the same location as my other leg.  I knew that it had happened during my teenager reliving a traumatic event and going through the emotions associated with them to hopefully heal and move forward. My T had explained to her before I was present, that it is a process called abreaction. This process gives clients a way to release their unconscious pain and escape from the memories and feelings that have kept them from moving forward.

I hate body memories, reactions, and overwhelming emotions…and this week has been record breaking in all those areas.  Ugh!  This is the time where I would want someone to walk in, give me a plane ticket for two, to a beach, on an island, where my hubby and me would be catered to for a whole week. Ahhhhh sounds perfect!  But for now, I’m going to bed, asking God for at least 4 solid hours of sleep, and trusting that tomorrow will be a new and better day!

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Answers, Sadness, Migraine, Hope

27613-dont-worry-god-control-800x600I was able to work through some of the difficult emotions I shared in my last post. Pushing through and allowing myself to feel each one was difficult, yet necessary.  It was okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and even cry about what was happening.  The challenging piece was to share it with those people in my life that I had attached to those feelings.  I managed well, and we are stronger because of it all.

My teenage part was able to share her secret with me.  I must say, I didn’t handle it well.  It wasn’t that I was angry at her for what she did, I felt responsible that she had to, once again, protect me from “life”.  It made me sad for her, and I desperately wanted to take that pain away.  Of course, I blame myself, because ultimately it’s my life that I can’t handle. Hence the vicious cycle of having DID…thankful for the parts of me, feel responsible for what they endured, grateful that they protected me, sad they had to suffer horrific events…

Another thing I didn’t handle well was I walked out of my therapy session with 30 minutes left…which was not my finest hour for sure.  My therapist had shared ahead of time what my teenager had to tell with me was not “that bad”.  So, when she finished telling me what she had done, I was shocked, and completely taken by surprise.  I sat there for a minute or two and thought, what am I going to say? My therapist didn’t think it was a big deal, and I am devastated by this news!  I got up, paid her, and said I was leaving.

I spent 30 minutes walking around, unsure of what to do, say, think, etc.  I cried nonstop, wanted to numb, dissociate, anything to make it go away. I made it back to my car and went to work.  By 7:30 that night, I was nauseated and headed for bed. Shame swirled and engulfed the insides of me for failing to deal with issues, and causing  parts of me to suffer once again.  It seemed to consume every fiber of my being; it was all I thought about as I lay awake all night.

When I got to work yesterday, the migraine began to set in fairly quickly.  I knew it was my teenager struggling, probably with my reaction to her news.  Even though I reassured her, it was not her fault, no blame, she did what she felt needed to be done and I wasn’t upset or angry with her at all.  It’s hard to understand, I’m sure from her perspective, that I would need time to process and “feel” this new information.  She wants me to be okay, happy, and not the cause of my grief.  I understand, but I still have to “feel” the feelings, or it will cause much more pain down the road.

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I know she is struggling with wanting to drink and cut right now, because I can feel it.  It is hard to explain how, exactly, but I can feel it inside.  I am encouraging her to share and open up as much as she can.  She does message our therapist, which is good for her right now.  Grateful that she can do that, and it is acceptable with my T. She sent some messages this morning, and that is encouraging to me.  Isolation is never the answer for anyone of us, even though it is awfully tempting.

While I was getting ready this morning, I heard a song on Air1, called Flawless, by MeryMe.  I immediately pulled it up on my computer and watched the lyric video (which I am attaching to this post).  God’s timing, perfect, as usual. I played it for her and said that this is how God and me feel about you!  We love you so deeply, and want you to be strong!

Today, we are stepping out in faith, believing things are changing, and having hope for new beginnings and for things we can’t even ask or dare imagine!

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Click below for video

Flawless

 

Being present, ugh!

Learning to ‘be present’ when it is easier to default to your dissociation, sometimes sucks!  When I began to own my own anger and frustration, it felt very strange, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions.  It was effortless to let my part take the anger, while I dissociated. When it was felt by me, I usually found something to “DO”, because I could fix, clean, or sweep something into perfection.  Then I wouldn’t have to feel. Now that I’m making progress in those areas, it still feels wrong or bad to have anger.

When anger arises, being present in it makes me feel bad, then guilty because I’m angry or shameful, or that maybe this whole thing is my fault.  I am ultimately responsible for what happens, right??  Well those were lies I told myself, and I need to sit and be present with these feelings.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, right?  Well, in my last post I shared that I wasn’t present for the session, and the information I received seemed inaccurate for the time I was there.  My suspicions were correct. I was having some agitation yesterday and couldn’t figure it out.  I was supposed to go the church this morning, where I used to work.  They were celebrating being in a new building, and I thought I could go back.  I haven’t been able to since I left, but I wanted to support them.  As the day went on, I become more and more irritated.

I sent a text to my T and asked if this seemed odd or what I should do.  She thought it could be my teenager, and I should ask her if she had a problem with going.  We have had these issues before, and I would tell the particular part to stay in there room.  They would not have to go or be apart of something they didn’t feel comfortable with.  My T kept wanting me to talk to her, but of course she wouldn’t engage with me.  Anyway, we sent some texts back and forth, and finally she responded with this:  “Ok. She still has things to share with you when she’s ready.”  At first I didn’t really get it, but then I read it again.  My response back was, “Oh, you know?” She texted back, “Yes.”

My immediate response was, “What the heck, really?” why wouldn’t she tell me?  Why didn’t my teenager tell me?  Then that feeling of betrayal set in quickly.  I’m the client, I should know what is happening with me, right?  Then all the confusion sets in- my teenager is a part of me, I am actually keeping a secret from myself, what is the reason for not telling me?  What is she hiding?

In the past, this kind of  thing would make me spiral quickly, I’d start that “stinkin’ thinkin'” cancel my next session, consider quitting therapy altogether, and letting my anger be projected onto my T.  I have learned more now and understand, that in order for my parts to open up and share their trauma and abuse, they need to trust my T.  They need to feel safe in talking to her, know that she cares and believes them, and that if they can’t share the things they have protected me from yet, she will help them.  I know my T has my best interest at heart, and that all this is a process. I may not always like it, but I trust her in helping them grow and trust me.

I feel anger, but it’s okay to be angry.  My anger is okay, I won’t feel this way forever. I want to know what is going on, but it doesn’t always work out when I say or when I want it too.  This is where I have to trust God’s timing, and pray that she will feel safe enough to tell me what is going on with her.  My T will help her and that makes me feel much better. We’ve been through this before, we made it, and we can do it again!