Tag Archives: God

Happy 1yr Anniversary…to me

It’s been 1 year since I stumbled onto this world of blogging! I wasn’t sure what to think or even expect after my first couple posts. What I quickly found was so many wonderful people, who like us, needed a community to be real, honest, angry, sad, thankful, undone, safe, cared for, understood, encouraged, believed…I could go on and on, but we all know why we are here.

Personally, I am extremely humbled and grateful for you all! Somedays coming to this site and reading your words of encouragement was the only thing that kept me going. Reading your posts, seeing the strength you each possess and the continuous fight for freedom and health is inspiring! God has blessed me in many ways and I believe He wants us all to heal!

I quit blogging about a month ago because of the debilitating migraines I was having- at times they lasted a week. It was all I could do to get out of bed, take medicine or even go to the bathroom…tmi! I missed out on so much and wanted to lay down and never get up! I wish I could say they are gone, but at least I can say they are better. They have actually changed somewhat and we have been able to work with them better than before.

I apologize for my absence, I’ve missed reading and staying updated with each of you. It is exciting to see how things have changed for us all! While I’ve been gone, my newest young one, who we call Little Cathy, has made some great progress! She is like me in many ways, feeling responsible, thinking she isn’t good enough, desires to be perfect or something is wrong with her, afraid of making a mistake because that means she is bad….

These are the things we both need to change, to let go of and to believe we simply are good enough! She is not like any other part on the inside, she connects with me first, and that is strange and good all at the same time. She is 8 and full of life, yet has been hidden for so long. She has seen so much and endured, like others, horrible abuse.

I did learn that she loves horses! What?? I have never spent time around horses, unless you count taking my boys on pony rides when they were little. ūüôā She has spent lots of time on a horse and is looking forward to riding very soon. I, on the other hand, am scared to death! But I am willing to try and learn. I can only imagine how wonderful it would have been to feel the safety she felt of having a special friend, who she could trust, love and depend on…a horse named, Dusty!

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Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

“Extreme¬†and¬†undesirable¬†circumstances¬†or¬†situations¬†can¬†only¬†be¬†resolved¬†by¬†resorting¬†to¬†equally¬†extreme¬†actions;¬†actions that might seem extreme under normal circumstances are appropriate during adversity.”¬†

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As I shared in my last post, I was completely undone by a blindsided experience. It was the proverbial ‘last straw’ in a series of events that have been going for the past 4 weeks. During therapy Friday, my 3 hour session was jam packed with my teenage part doing some incredibly hard work. Kat had walked out of therapy on Tuesday with every intention to end her life, which in turn means mine as well. When parts engage in active suicidal ideation, they need to understand that they aren’t the only ones affected by the action. We all will be victim to whatever is done.

Kat is my part that has several addictive behaviors and they have been extremely evident during these past 4 wks. It has been wearisome and heartbreaking for me to deal with the ways she harms herself. We had made some excellent progress and it was breaking my heart to see her suffer. Tuesday she was the lowest she’s ever been; she stood up to walk out of therapy, as she reached for the doorknob, she turned back, faced my therapist and said, “You have to let me go.” My T took her by the hands and said, “Absolutely not! Never, not going to happen; no!”¬†They hugged and Kat walked out! My T was very worried but had another client waiting.

My T always hates when she doesn’t get to talk to ‘me’ during a session, especially in times like these. However, what we weren’t aware of, is that God had a plan for Kat. She walked to my car with every intention to take a bottle of pills followed by a bottle of vodka, but something within her shifted. She walked back into office, sat down in the waiting area, (since my T was in a session) and waited. While she sat there, she picked up a book, a devotional called,¬†Jesus Today: Experience Hope Through His Presence.¬†¬†

She turned to that days devotional and read this:¬†“Nothing can separate you from God‚Äôs love. When you are facing tough times, I will help you and strengthen you with My Love. ¬†Even though you live in a world where trouble is inescapable, you can be of good cheer because I have overcome the world!‚ÄĚ

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In that moment, God reached down and met Kat in her hopelessness. He saved her, all of us, from harm. God says in Hebrews 13:5,¬†‚ÄúI will never leave you.¬†I will never desert you.‚Ä̬†Grateful, thankful, blessed, are all I can say about what took place in that moment! God loves each and every part of me, period! He created a way for me to survive horrible abuse.¬†Dissociation is a gift from God that allows people to cope when they would otherwise turn to suicide or mentally locked up because of the trauma. It is a lifesaving technique for survival.

When Kat returned to therapy on Friday, she apologized to my T and they were able to address the issues that surrounded her behaviors. I can’t put into words just how amazing my T was that day, actually she is amazing most days! It was a major step forward in Kat’s healing and us as a whole. And then I was blindside, once again, 2 hours later…

I went home, completely shut down, cried until I couldn’t breathe, told my husband I couldn’t do this again, wanted to die and asked him to call and admit me somewhere. I sent an email to my therapist, who unfortunately was involved in this blindside, and told her I wouldn’t be back. I was emotionally broken and exhausted. I thanked her for her incredible work with us all. Of course she was confused and wanted to get to the bottom of whatever the issue was. I didn’t respond and went to bed emotional, numb and extremely worn down. In the morning, she sent another email saying she didn’t agree with me- shocker! ¬†I had said it was my job to protect us all from enduring another blindside and from continuing on with therapy…she didn’t agree!

She said, “I don’t know why we can’t handle this like everything else: by me showing up, talking to parts affected, finding out what was done to me, so that we can dismantle it.” She had a few revelations and suggested we meet to discuss them in person- if I felt it was a good idea. It was Saturday; she was willing to meet me because allowing¬†anything to get in the way of my progress wasn’t going to happen. I have no words for her kindness, care, generosity, grace and a willingness to fight for my freedom!

We started at 12:30PM and ended at 5:00PM…desperate times call for desperate measures! Together, we dug in, worked incredibly hard and didn’t quit until we unraveled every piece to this puzzle. All I can say is, thank you Jesus! I feel completely different today, like whatever was squeezing the life out of me, is gone! I’m hoping this chapter of my life is over and we can move forward in the healing process. Grateful, Thankful, Blessed!

Migraine: Takes Me Out Again

Had my long session yesterday and my part teen part, K, shared another memory. I had woken up with a huge bruise on my right calf, Tuesday, then on Thursday had another bruise on my left calf- both in the same place. I could tell I had lost some time prior to therapy and figured K didn’t want to share this information. She didn’t want to talk about the memory, but my T was so helpful and encouraging to her. I’m grateful for the relationship my T has with not only me, but each part of me! giphyDuring my session I had a migraine develop, my T helped K by walking her through the pain, but it came back after the session.

I sat in my car, like usual, debating whether to take a chance and head to work knowing I was getting a migraine or going home and getting into bed. The tears began to run down my face as I started to think about what I had heard for the past 2.5 hrs. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out the memory or why I developed the bruising. But hearing it out loud, well that’s a whole other deal! One more thing to try and wrap my mind around, how could a parent do this to their child??

Just when I think I am getting close to the end, memories like this surface and take me out! My drive home was emotional and I hoped the migraine wouldn’t get worse before I could take my meds. I notified my husband and “damn therapist friends” to say I was headed home. Being alone after therapy, especially difficult sessions like this one, is never a good idea. My husband had the day off, and that made going home an easy choice. When I get a migraine, the best thing is to be in my own bed…that is the only good thing about it!

Considering more EMDR regarding my issues of canceling therapy because I feel like $$ is an issue, trying to fix myself before I get to therapy (seriously), and being responsible, or at least feeling like I need to be responsible for everything. My therapist suggested doing this, but I wasn’t sure. I have to ask for help from another person, to do EMDR, and that makes it harder. Of course, my therapist jumped all over that too, saying she didn’t have any issues asking the therapist to come back again. Ugh! I know it will be a good idea, and very helpful for me in the long run…

Today I’m feeling tired and worn out from the long session, the migraine, and all the meds it takes to knock me out. I have felt very emotional and have cried off and on most of the day. It’s all normal, but I’m ready to move to another season of life. Trusting that God has this and me, and will never leave or abandon me in this place!!

 

Therapy Tuesday, Wednesday and…

It seems as though 3 sessions a week is becoming a norm in my life, ugh! Actually, the past couple weeks I have been there 4x a week, seriously?? giphyI know I’m on a fast track, but this need s to stop. For one, I can’t afford to keep going this often. Money is a huge stressor for me, since I resigned from my full time job in 2014. ¬†The past 3-4 weeks has been difficult to manage my weekly budget. Taking time off right now would not be productive, yet I can’t keep using money I don’t have to go to therapy. The other part of this is my current, part-time job. The job is awesome, I have great bosses- who are exceptionally patient and understanding of my disorder and schedule. Although when I have difficult sessions, several times a week; I miss several hours of work on a weekly basis. Those two things combined, make for anxiety levels that get rather uncomfortable. There is no solution, that I know of, at this point. I have often thought about filling out paperwork for disability, but that seems wrong somehow…

When I resigned, I committed to therapy 2x a week, and my T is extremely generous with her time and rates. Honestly, I wouldn’t be this far along if that was not happening. I am truly grateful for her willingness to be flexible and generous. My prayers are always that God would bless her and her family abundantly more than she could ask or dare imagine. No doubt He sees her heart and how she is such a huge blessing to her clients. She always reminds us of what God is doing; for our good and His glory- He uses everything! Nothing is wasted, not one thing.

I guess I’m venting about things I can’t fix and that makes me frustrated. I know this isn’t going to last forever, but it feels like I’m drowning and getting deeper and further from the shore, so to speak. I don’t want to stop or slow down therapy when things are really working and going well. I tend to hit things hard and suffer that emotional hangovers later, but it works for me and my therapist. ūüôā I feel comforted that others, I read about, also suffer from shutting down after therapy. Or in my case unable to go back to work or even go the next day. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I think if I didn’t like my job or the people I work for, I would have been fired or quit long ago. Blessed they still want me there.

I feel exhausted emotionally, after two days of therapy in a row. But I should be used to this by now, right?? Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to discuss how my new medication is working; it is working great and I’m thankful to have it. Guess I’ll miss more work, but these things have to happen. Enough already! Geeshgiphy1

Mother’s Day: The Love/Hate Relationship

Mother’s Day is often a painful time. For those of us with DID, abuse, PTSD, etc., this day can be a love/hate relationship with the survivor.  I love it because I have two incredible sons; young men who I love and cherish deeply.  I would fight for them, no matter what! As a survivor with dissociative identity disorder, mom issues are complicated and difficult to sort out or make sense of. These issues are multi-layered and uncomfortable.

For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the father, sadistic family members, babysitters, or other predators. ¬†Whatever the reason, these mother’s were not there for their child; maybe they were the ones doing the abusing. So whatever the case my be, the issues around our mom’s create so many mixed feelings as this day approaches.

My story, with my mom, is she was¬†too blind or too lost in her own denial or self, to be willing and/or able to protect me from abuse. ¬†At that point she became¬†irresponsible for her role in not protecting me. ¬†She was¬†in our home, and could have been instrumental in helping to protect me. However, out of her¬†own fear or denial, she refused to look, to protect, or help. ¬†Maybe she¬†let her own fear overcome her and her willingness to save me. Or maybe, she just simply didn’t care, or thought I deserved it somehow. It wouldn’t surprise me if she acted as an accomplice….fear or not!

So every Mother‚Äôs Day, it is difficult for me (and I’m sure you other’s as well) who grew up with a mom like that.¬† It hurts. ¬†No matter how much it hurts, at times I just want my mom. It‚Äôs confusing. The things I desired from her was never given to me, and it’s like a knife through my already broken heart.¬†The anguish of wanting my mom to do something, anything to save me from this horrendous, scary environment, leaves a void deep within me. It is almost sickening to believe she would choose herself¬†over her child‚Äôs safety and well-being.

The aftermath of such events in a child’s life do not heal quickly or easily. This gut-wrenching pain is felt for years, because it is wrong! ¬†It is shameful, disgraceful, and pathetic….this is NOT what a mother does-EVER!

I didn’t have a role model that I could follow as a mom, but I was NOT going to make the same mistakes with my own boys! ¬†I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, trust me, but none like what I have described above. ¬†God, is His goodness, grace and mercy, helped me to do what I never learned to do from watching my mom. He could only have given me the strength to love unconditionally, support, care, fight for, protect, and provide a safe place for my children. ¬†I am truly, eternally grateful for His grace and kindness.

Although it is going to be a day with joy and sadness; I know that God has given me women in my life to look up to, to seek when I need help. These women are mentors, godly women who remind me that God provides EVERYTHING I could possible need. Women who I can call without hearing criticism or judgment. Women who are safe, who will laugh or cry with me. I feel blessed to have these women in place of the one person who could never do any of those things. Thank you God!

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Share Your Struggles…You Never Know

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 migraines since Friday! I realize that this is completely wrecking me physically, emotionally and mentally. ¬†I can’t be present to myself, my family, my job, my life….when does it end? I’m sick of myself saying the same thing over and over again. Then the kind words from everyone saying…This is temporary, ¬†it’s only a season, it won’t last, the worst is behind me, God has this, God has me, I am strong, brave, courageous…blah, blah, blah

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Now don’t get me wrong, I know all that is true! I am thankful for all of the support, but damn it, I want out of this pit. The crying is too much, and it comes out nowhere. I’m sure it’s a little depression; I certainly know what that feels like. ¬†Not willing to get back on an antidepressant because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. My dissociation is stronger and more frequent, since I don’t like what it happening.

I attempted canceling therapy for tomorrow, using the migraine as a way out, even though it’s the truth. ¬†However, the migraines are here because I need to talk through stuff and that means going to therapy. ¬†My mental state has been so bad at times that I have wanted to call my parents so they can tell me I’m okay. Geesh! Like they have ever said I was okay…but that is where I am right now.

So right now I’m sitting in the dark, in my bed, alone, crying off and on (more on than off), my kids and husband are gone for the evening, and that is never a good combination. I have this “cocktail” of medication for my migraines, it only knocks me out, not the migraine, and I’m thinking, “Perhaps I should take 1 or 12 of these???” ¬†I would be knocked out for sure- completely out! ¬†But I’m not going to because it’s not who I am, who I want to be, and it’s not the answer.

So I want to share something I read tonight as I lay here in this depressed state….I believe God gives us exactly what we need at exactly the perfect time. I was going through and reading blogs that I follow, catching up and hoping to find some encouragement along the way. ¬†This “blog community” has been a valuable resource for me in my healing journey. ¬†But this particular blog I read possibly changed my perspective, well not possibly, it absolutely, without question, took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and unmistakably changed my thinking.

I don’t believe in coincidences, but believe God is in all things, speaks through others, even when they don’t realize. ¬†God uses our struggles to make us stronger, but also when we speak them, share them, write them on a post; He will use them all!

Tonight when I arrived home from work, early, due to an oncoming migraine, I was taking my jewelry off and I noticed the 2 pictures I have hanging above my dresser.  One is when I was 5yrs old and the other I think 7 or 8.  I just stared at them for a moment and then got in bed and began to cry, thinking all this is so not worth another day!

And then I read Rachel’s blog post. This is what changed things for me. ¬†She shared her struggles, who suicidal thinking, all the while being honest and vulnerable.

‚ÄúI don‚Äôt think I would actually pull the trigger. I don‚Äôt think, even if I had a gun, I could actually do it. Because I don‚Äôt believe in killing, and I am a person. And would be killing a person. And also, that 3 year old keeps flashing in my mind. That 3 year old me, I can‚Äôt shoot her in the head. I looked at an old picture, and just can‚Äôt imagine killing her. So I don‚Äôt think I am actually in danger, I just feel really bad right now. And I don‚Äôt even feel reactive about it, that I need to necessarily do anything about it, other than take care of myself and wade through it as best I can until it passes. Clearly something is being worked out.‚ÄĚ

Thank you, Rachel! Thank you for being real, honest and seen.  You had no idea when you put those words out there that someone, somewhere, would be encouraged. God used your life experiences to get me through a difficult place.

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Just When I Think Things Are Changing

“The closer you get to God the more satan will send pain your way but what satan forgot was that when you are in pain, you are more susceptible to being blessed by God. God gives us strength in the time of our weakness.”

‚ÄúMy grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.‚Ä̬†So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.¬†(2 Corinthians 12:9)

47188414c6d10bb734e75c87149522e8When am I closer to where God wants me to be or when I am close to receiving a breakthrough from the Lord; satan shows up to try and disrupt things.  The closer I get to God, and trusting that He is healing and bringing freedom; the more satan tries to attack the things I am doing.

 

What I’m learning is, when I can clearly see the things God is doing, start celebrating the good that is happening; I get blindsided and taken out.

Right after my last post “New Day”, I had a migraine, that once again, put in a dissociated state. One of my teenagers and another part took me to work, helped me get through the day and stayed in contact with my therapist. ¬†I had taken medication that is not possible for me to function, but I needed (in my opinion) to be at work. I know, dumb choice! It is one of the “good” things about having DID, you have options when you can’t be “out”.

My T was texting with B (my teenage part) to see if she thought I could meet with her at the office or maybe even talk on the phone. B didn’t think I could manage having any conversation, so by the afternoon, she took me home. Even though I know it happens, it always shocks me as to how this all happens. ¬†The migraines have usually originated from another teenage part-K. She and I share them, but my T seems to have some way to help her through, and knock it out. ¬†It was the first time that I had the migraine alone, and it seemed to cause an exuberant amount of chaos internally. ¬†The really sweet thing was, each part pitched in to help me function, and I feel so blessed that they care so much!

When I made it home late afternoon, my husband said I walked through the front door, said nothing, went into the bedroom, and stood there looking around like I was lost. He knew right away that I was not good. I immediately remembered the migraine and had to go lay down. My husband has never experienced a migraine, so it’s hard for him to understand I need a quiet, dark and cool room, in my bed ¬†and no talking. ¬†I wish he could understand it isn’t possible to simply lay on the couch and watch TV. My T has migraines and another friend of mine too, so it’s nice to have those who empathize and understand what is needed.

After I slept it off, I was able to communicate with my T about the day, read all the back and forth texting and had an overall view of what took place. ¬†She suggested I come in Monday for a session, even though I have my 2 regularly ¬†scheduled sessions for the week. ¬†At times, I feel like I’m never going to get back to one session a week, especially with all the 3rd sessions I’ve added lately….Ugh! ¬†But the goal is healing, and I cannot lose sight of that right now. ¬†No matter how many sessions it takes, I want to get to a place of wholeness.

My little ones, on the inside, say when all is good it’s like the sun is always rising, and there is no more darkness. ¬†What a beautiful picture of how it will be someday. ¬†No more darkness, no more pain, no more tears….just celebrating a God who loves us, saved us and called us home!

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New Day

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for my morning run.  My 4 hrs of sleep yesterday after the session and 4 more last night, made me feel energetic and rejuvenated. I easily forget what it is actually like to get sleep.  Running is easier too; it clears my head, and the conversation is always good and entertaining.giphy1

I’m excited about having some breathing room, so to speak. I don’t have a migraine, chest pains from anxiety, or body memory pain and it feels so exhilarating. ¬†I’m learning to celebrate all the progress along the way…even sleep!¬†It doesn’t take much, huh!

I have a better understanding of what I need to work on, even though it may not be¬†pleasant, it will be healing for me. Steps forward, even small steps, are progress, healing, and healthy. Feeling blessed by how God never leaves me in those places of wilderness. ¬†Somedays it feels like I’m never going to make it out, but it is in those times, I believe, He is the closest and most present. ¬†Imagine wondering around in the wilderness, having no idea where you are going, but at the same time, trusting the One who will lead the way to freedom!

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, and God doesn’t want me to worry about it anyway. ¬†He has my back!

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I Don’t Know How‚Ķ.or Not

My assignment, for this week off of therapy, is to write about how it makes ME feel to know/own the abuse from my dad. ¬†I don’t know where to start or even how to begin writing out my feelings. ¬†I have shared many times that, for me, anger is BAD and having emotions is NOT allowed. It’s a long standing, etched into my brain, default mode message I’ve always believed. Every time I attempt to get the journal out, instantaneously, the twinge of a migraine reminds me to put it all away. I don’t know how to do this or maybe‚ĶI really don’t want to do this!

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Even as I type this post, I feel the tears beginning to take shape from behind my eyes, my chest tightening as if someone presently took a seat there, and my throat feeling like it is being squeezed shut.  I despise the the way this makes me feel inside.  My parts have done this same type of work, they are brave, courageous, trusting, and incredibly strong; what is wrong with ME??

Logically, it makes me mad that it happened and it is normal to cry about such horrible things.  I would tell anyone going through similar events, these are necessary steps for healing.  The more you speak about it, out loud, the more freedom and healing you receive.  I know all those things, and yet, I simply cannot move forward. AHHHHHHH

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Obviously, I can still find a bit of humor along the way.  God is faithful and I know His mighty hand is on me, my family and our journey. He provides for us in every area of my life, so I cannot doubt that, especially right now.

As I prepare for this upcoming week of- “trying to journal”, having no therapy, pretending that “I’m good” without the therapy, experiencing panic/anxiety since Thursday, and wondering when the next migraine will arrive- I can’t loose sight that I’m going to be “okay” with it all. I know I’m not the only one who struggles like this, one day doing well, the next day feeling like my world is crashing around me, and white knuckling through, just to say, “I got this” or “I don’t need help”!!

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Monday and Tuesday Sessions

I went in for an added session on Monday morning. ¬†I was struggling with migraines over the weekend, my new part, M had been texting my T while I was out cold on medication. ¬†It’s always interesting to read communication between my parts and T. ¬†She must have been thinking we couldn’t wait for the Tuesday session to get resolve. ¬†I agreed, and we spent 2 hours on Monday trying to get M to explain why he was keeping me stuck in my trauma, and not wanting me to get well.

He struggled to speak; he described the panic feeling like someone sitting on his chest. ¬†I often have that same feeling, so I was glad to know it was a real issue. ¬†Sometimes I think the physical issues I experience are “just in my head”….not true though. ¬†My T was asking me about my relationship with my brother, more in-depth than what we’ve done with him before. As I was sharing information, a major revelation came to me about my dad and brother. ¬†I must have had an odd look on my face, because my T said, “What are you thinking right now?”¬†My response was that she probably is thinking that for several years she’s listened to me talk about having a close relationship to my dad, but yet has heard me describe horrible things about him. Then when my 8yr old part, Wendy, shared what he had done to me, it was all to confirming of what she speculated and my worst fears! ¬†So, hearing things about my brother, was starting to sound all to familiar-for both of us.

When M came to talk, he shared that my brother and I were very violent, and physically with each other. ¬†He was 2 yrs. older, but I was a fighter. ¬†He was the first born, first grandchild, and had an obvious handicap at birth. ¬†My dad never connected with him, and since my dad was athletic, as a young man, his dreams vanished, when he saw my brother. How very sad!! My brother and I competed with each other, and since I played sports, and was good at them, I got the attention of my dad. ¬†Even if it was negative, it was attention my brother needed as well. We would beat each other up, he mostly won the battles, and would sit on my chest or choke me until I called him “master”.

M told my therapist that I would never say it, that I kept fighting to get out from under him. So he said it, because he thought I would die from being sat on or choked. It made me sad to hear all of that, but he was convinced I needed to stay connected to the abusive words of my family, in order to survive.  He felt he needed to protect me from my T because getting well, was not an option.  We realized M was being negatively influenced by the bond with my family.  We needed to break that bond, but it was strong, and it had an intense hold on him.

I was so tired by the time I got up to leave. My T reassured me that we were getting somewhere, but it was going to take lots of prayer, preparation, and direction. ¬†Later that evening she contacted me asking if I would like to come in (the next day) Tuesday at 9am. She asked that we both be in prayer for God’s leading and she would contact me in the morning to see how I felt. ¬†I sleep 4 straight hours (which is good for me), ran 5 miles, prayed and listened to worship music the whole run, and when I walked in the door at 6:45am, she was texting me. ¬†“Well, what is God saying to you about today?” ¬†she asked. My response was, “I slept, ran 5 miles, am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, He gives me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow and blessing all mine. So, I’m ready for whatever He has….I think.”¬†

She must have had a similar feeling because her response back was, “Sounds good. Let’s meet at my office at 9am.”¬† This is what I love about my T, and why I believe my therapy has been guided by the Lord. God is in every aspect of my healing process and we both acknowledge that along the way. Before we began the session, she walked over, took my hand and asked if she could pray. This was not anything new for me, but today we were following God’s leading from the beginning. ¬†When she finished praying, I felt a strong urge to pray for her, but at the same time, had a feeling of “I’m not worthy” or “my prayers can’t be heard; I’m too messed up”. ¬†Those are all lies that satan wanted me to believe in that moment, but I was going to overcome. ¬†I stopped her mid sentence, took ahold of her hand, and said it’s my turn. ¬†When I finished, we were both wiping our eyes, but were confident in what we needed to do next.

We spent the first hour recapping and she began to discuss what my brother was like growing up, things he did, was involved in, friends he had, etc. ¬†It was eye opening to me to recall the past, and realize that my brother had some spiritual influences that were NOT good, actually a bit scary. Those influences needed to be broken off of me through M. ¬†The next hour was a blur for me, but absolutely life-changing for M. ¬†My T prayed for the influence/bond to be broken and then she led M to the Lord. She told him about God’s love for him, that Jesus died for him, and asked if he wanted to begin a relationship today. ¬†He was forgiven and saved, free and whole…all in one session. ¬†If that isn’t God at work, I don’t know what is!! ¬† He cares for me as much as He cares for the individual parts of me. ¬†It was His plan from the beginning, to provide a way for me to survive the horrible abuse/trauma I endured as a child. ¬†That’s how much God loves people (parts included)!

It was exhausting for M, myself and I’m sure my T, but what a beautiful outcome. ¬†M asked if he could have a new name, a real name, not one that was a reminder of what he had to endure. My T said of course, and asked God to give him a name.

The night before, I had posted a verse out of James, and he must have been present while I was reading through the book. ¬†But here is the cool God piece, (as if the other things weren’t) my therapist doesn’t read my blog, and she didn’t know about reading the book of the bible when she said, “How about James? That is a strong name, he was one of Jesus’ disciples, and I think it would be a good, new name for you.”¬†

I almost burst into tears as I listened from behind the scenes. Seriously?? God is so GOOD! This was the verse,  James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. All of my support team was in prayer the night before, and I believe that God used everything for His purpose, but for the good of my community!

My younger parts emerge shortly after to describe what they were seeing on the inside. ¬†They thanked my T for helping M, now James, and that it felt much safer inside. ¬†They also said it was much brighter. ¬†Wendy (8) said it was like the sun kept rising, and the light was bright and flittering. ¬†How precious! ¬†She said it was like fireworks in the daytime and no loud booms-LOL. ¬†She is so sweet and sincere. ¬†She said everyone was coming out to watch the bright light. ¬†In a bizarre kind of way, I envisioned all the little munchkins coming out of hiding and celebrating; the big bad witch was dead. However, this was a celebration of new life, God’s goodness, mercy and freedom.

So, it’s Wednesday night, I’ve felt emotional all day, but in a good way. ¬†I am tired, worn out, but blessed. ¬†Grateful for a T who loves the Lord, seeks Him, and allows Him to direct our work together. ¬†Healing only comes from God; He uses people (my therapist) to help us along the way and believe that we can do this difficult, grueling, and intense work.

Tomorrow I go in for my third session of the week; my T is on vacation next week. I am ready for a break, but nervous that I will not be connecting with her after all this new information and work. I’m sure she is ready to take time off; I can’t imagine how difficult it is to work with me, let alone all the other clients she sees. ¬†Wow!! ¬†I know there is tons of stuff in this post, but I needed to get it out! ¬†I hope tomorrow is an easy, relaxing session.