Ha! What a dumb title for a blog post about a girl with DID! So original, right? Is that the best choice of verbiage? Probs not, but it’s all I can provide at this given time. It’s all I got peeps! Anything else I say may ensue nonstop tears-that ugly cry!
Why so emotional you ask? Good question. I have been sleeping for the past month, due to a new medication. Yay! But wait… last Sunday that all came to a complete halt; now I’m back to 2-4 hours and it sucks. Doing more memory work involving my husband, greeeaaat! * *insert sarcasm. The last conversation we had about the memories with him, didn’t go so well. Although it was my fault, due to the timing and transition of the conversation.
My last couple posts have been weighing heavily on my mind, which led to a difficult conversation with my friend. It went well, for the most part, but those types of “talks” leave me emotionally drained. I always feel as though I’ve blown things out of proportion and it doesn’t help that I don’t always have memories to fall back on for information. Seems as though it’s easy for me to take responsibility for the wrong things that happen, mistakes that are made, etc.
Then there’s the ol’, I canceled my therapy sessions for the week piece. Now why would I do that? Well, it’s because I’ve had so many weekly sessions the past 2 months, live on a small budget, and I’ve blown that budget right outta the water! Yep, pretty sad when you have to ask your husband for $20 bucks. Now don’t get all undone; we don’t have a “his and hers” kinda marriage.
When I resigned from my full time, great paying, position, I took a part-time job and needed to know exactly what I would be responsible for “budget wise”. It works for me/us to know what I have to pay each month. It isn’t much, actually 4 things, but when you add sessions on each week, you get off track fast! Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, grateful for everyday I can get to work and make a difference, and they treat me so incredibly well.
Today I just seem to cry for no apparent reason and out of nowhere. I sent a text to my therapist saying I wouldn’t be in this week and because I’ve seen her for almost 5 years, I guess she has the right to say, “Tell me why?” And I hesitated for a moment, thinking, “Now what can I say for a reason, hmmm.” Then I realized I’m kinda way past lying to my T, so I told her the truth. Ouch!
Why do those “damn therapist’s” make it so hard to cancel?? She offered solutions, but I declined. She called me and I cried, geesh, I’m such an emotional mess. I cried because I’m scared of not going in right now. I cried because I’m afraid I need to go, but can’t say what I need. I cried because, shit, I don’t want to cancel. Wow, it’s only Monday and I’m on the edge, an emotional mess, and I canceled my therapy because I don’t have the $$. Nice!
How do I get to this place so quickly?? My anxiety takes over and I start to berate myself for canceling in the first place. Pretty stupid reason to cancel? Maybe, but I fear not having enough to pay for things.