Tag Archives: fear

Emotional

Ha! What a dumb title for a blog post about a girl with DID! So original, right? Is that the best choice of verbiage? Probs not, but it’s all I can provide at this given time. It’s all I got peeps! Anything else I say may ensue nonstop tears-that ugly cry!giphy

Why so emotional you ask? Good question. I have been sleeping for the past month, due to a new medication. Yay! But wait… last Sunday that all came to a complete halt; now I’m back to 2-4 hours and it sucks. Doing more memory work involving my husband, greeeaaat! * *insert sarcasm. The last conversation we had about the memories with him, didn’t go so well. Although it was my fault, due to the timing and transition of the conversation.

My last couple posts have been weighing heavily on my mind, which led to a difficult conversation with my friend. It went well, for the most part, but those types of “talks” leave me emotionally drained. I always feel as though I’ve blown things out of proportion and it doesn’t help that I don’t always have memories to fall back on for information. Seems as though it’s easy for me to take responsibility for the wrong things that happen, mistakes that are made, etc.

Then there’s the ol’, I canceled my therapy sessions for the week piece. Now why would I do that? Well, it’s because I’ve had so many weekly sessions the past 2 months, live on a small budget, and I’ve blown that budget right outta the water! Yep, pretty sad when you have to ask your husband for $20 bucks. Now don’t get all undone; we don’t have a “his and hers” kinda marriage.giphy3

When I resigned from my full time, great paying, position, I took a part-time job and needed to know exactly what I would be responsible for “budget wise”. It works for me/us to know what I have to pay each month. It isn’t much, actually 4 things, but when you add sessions on each week, you get off track fast! Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, grateful for everyday I can get to work and make a difference, and they treat me so incredibly well.

Today I just seem to cry for no apparent reason and out of nowhere. I sent a text to my therapist saying I wouldn’t be in this week and because I’ve seen her for almost 5 years, I guess she has the right to say, “Tell me why?” And I hesitated for a moment, thinking, “Now what can I say for a reason, hmmm.” Then I realized I’m kinda way past lying to my T, so I told her the truth. Ouch!

Why do those “damn therapist’s” make it so hard to cancel?? She offered solutions, but I declined. She called me and I cried, geesh, I’m such an emotional mess. I cried because I’m scared of not going in right now. I cried because I’m afraid I need to go, but can’t say what I need. I cried because, shit, I don’t want to cancel. Wow, it’s only Monday and I’m on the edge, an emotional mess, and I canceled my therapy because I don’t have the $$. Nice!

How do I get to this place so quickly?? My anxiety takes over and I start to berate myself for canceling in the first place. Pretty stupid reason to cancel? Maybe, but I fear not having enough to pay for things.

 

 

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M.I.T.~ Missing in Therapy II

Over the weekend the pain returned and by Monday morning I couldn’t sit; the pain was horrible. By 9:30AM, I was texting my therapist for help! We knew there was one more part affected by this pain, we didn’t get to her last week and I was sure this was all about her. My therapist asked me to come that afternoon at 1PM; we would have a 2hr slot to work.  Even though I had a session on Tuesday, she didn’t want me to experience the uncomfortable pain any longer. I’m starting to feel like I should pay rent to her office. 

We talked some about what I could remember or not in regards to this 7yr. part (k). I didn’t have much, only a few scattered and broken pieces of memories, none of it really made sense. If you’ve been following my blog, this is the young part who we got the doll baby for  in December. She was so excited to get this sweet doll, who she named Lily. I was told by the inside to bring the doll to therapy, and I’m so glad I did.

FullSizeRenderMy therapist stepped out for a quick moment; I had already switched and was laying on the couch curled up in a ball, afraid and in intense pain. My T walked over, picked Lily up, out of the bag, and held her in her arms. She talked about the day they went shopping for her, how sweet, cute and cuddly she is, that she was so thankful the k finally had her doll. This set the stage for trust and reassurance for k to share her memories and abuse. She took Lily and told my T to smell her, “Cause she smell like cookies”, k said. My T leaned over and smelled Lily, and sure enough, she said, “Yes, I never noticed before. Almost like vanilla. That makes her even more special.”

My T began to tell k that she realizes it’s hard to talk about these kinds of things, that she is completely safe, that she will be right her with her, holding her hand and everything was going to be okay. She also addressed the fact that k always wants her mom, but that isn’t possible, and she never believed her anyway. My therapist said, she could tell her the things like she was a mom (which she is), because good mom’s believe their kids and want to protect and care for them. k began to share the most hideous, terrifying, and sickening things I could have ever imagine a 7yr old experiencing.

This is where the mom in me cannot understand how a mother can let this happen?? How she simply doesn’t know it took place, and in her denial makes it unimaginably worse for her daughter! What the HELL!! I will NEVER understand this, ever! Abuse to anyone is ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong, but to a child…that takes it to another level that is not only appalling, but barbaric!

I guess I am feeling some major anger inside…as I should. I know it is the past, I cannot fix her or what happened and there isn’t any reason to try. What is best for all of us, is for me to love, support, nurture, and encourage them. Remind them that they are safe and loved, something they never had, ever! I am extremely proud of k for her courage and bravery, her strength and faith. She is strong but sweet!

My pain ended officially that day…it always amazes me how that happens. I am grateful, blessed, and encouraged that this “anniversary date/month” has almost come to an end. We fought hard, came out better and stronger. I understand more of my past, and it only validates and confirms why I need to continue zero contact with my family!  It isn’t easy some days, but I can NEVER put any of us through this again. Sometimes cutting off all contact and communication is the only safe and healthy thing to do for YOURSELF.  Even if they or whomever, doesn’t understand, it really doesn’t matter….because it’s not about them. We have to take care of ourselves. Do what is best for ourselves. It isn’t selfish, wrong, bad, or shameful….it’s called FREEDOM to HEAL!

I pray for the person reading this today, that needs to hear, “You are not alone, it’s okay to do what is necessary to heal and be free.”

Friday Meltdown Part 2

In my last post , I shared about what happened after last Friday’s therapy session.  I was not involved/present during the session, which I did on purpose.  My little one’s had planned to visit with my T and I didn’t want to be there.  That probably sounds bizarre, why would I choose not to be present during therapy.  It was the questioning of my friend, the “damn therapist”, that triggered feelings I was completely unaware were buried. The question as to why I chose not to be present in that session left me with swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly.

While crying in my closet (my crying place), I realized the one person who could help me, put words as to why I wasn’t present, and get me to a calm place, was my therapist. I have been working intensely toward being honest and upfront with my T about my past, how I’m really feeling, and what I need. It isn’t comfortable at times, but extremely necessary and important.  With that in mind, I apprehensively called my T. Not gonna lie, there was a moment when I felt like,  “What if she answers; what will I actually say?” LOL

Of course she answered, asked if I was okay, and right away I started crying all over again. Seriously, I couldn’t even hold it together for a, “Hi, how are you?” Ugh!  I told her that I had been asked about why I chose not to be present during the session; she wanted to know as well. Shocker!! I began by saying it was, at times, uncomfortable to see myself sitting there as a child (but 47 yrs old), listening to my T read my favorite picture books, and feeling so at ease. It’s hard to wrap my head around all that, but I know this is how it all works.

The biggest reason- my mom never read to me, but the babysitter did. The lady who babysat for me (5 yrs old) and my siblings, was married to a pedophile who would sexually abuse me when he came home for lunch. When he would leave, she would rock me in a chair and read books to me…like somehow that was going to fix the problem!!!  Later, when I was 19, I started therapy for my eating disorder. My first attempt at therapy, and I only went because my really good friend/mentor was noticing I was acting strange when it came time to eat.  She was the first person I told about being bulimic, she freaked out, and like a good codependent (didn’t have a clue what that was at 19), she found me a therapist, drove me there, and had actually met with her once because she didn’t think it was going well-yikes!

I began to share with this friend, things no one knew about me. I trusted her with information, but mostly she was the first person I thought truly cared about me. She saw the dysfunctional relationship with my mom and was shocked by her constant behavior towards me. It was soothing to have someone care, encourage, and love me for who I was.  She allowed me to be a part of their family, watch their kids, and see what a loving family looked like.  Unfortunately, she saw me as her child, and wanted to mother me through these difficult days…that’s when I learned the word codependent. Her intentions were good, but unhealthy. And one day, after therapy, I drove to her house and broke down emotionally about not having a mom who loved me unconditionally. I was grieving something I would never have, sad for always being criticized and judged, and pretending that we had this “great family”. She walked across the room, sat with me in the chair and rocked back and forth. Moments later, she was reading a children’s book to me and thinking it would bring a sense of comfort and peace. My child parts (I was unaware of at the time) attached to this lady who was very kind and loving. I remember feeling very small in that moment; I just didn’t know why.

2o+ years later, I see all the unhealthy attachment there, my therapist, at the time, saw it and point it out to me too. I wish I knew then what I know now, but we all could say that, and it isn’t helpful for today. I don’t have any connection with this friend; we live hundreds of miles apart. There is so much more about all that, but it will have to be another day, another post.

So, that is why I didn’t want to be in session. I was unable to separate myself enough to see the healthy parts of it, enjoy being there, and seeing this as a new and positive experience. All of this new information surfaced, became overwhelming and I was completely taken out emotionally. My T thanked me for being vulnerable, honest, and calling. She understood why I did what I did, and said we could work through it when I was ready…which is therapist code for “we will be talking about it next session”.  I know how those “damn therapists” work; they aren’t fooling me. LOL

The problem with working through the issue came when I didn’t go to therapy today…I took the day off to work outside in the flower beds, knowing that I really don’t know what I’m doing.  My mom always did the flowers, because I could never “get the right things”, “plant them correctly”, or do “enough to make it look good”. Another mental block where she is concerned and it paralyzed me again today.  First it was the books and now flowers!!  OMG

 

Hidden

I have been noticing that since it’s my turn to process memories, understand the abuse, feel the emotions from anger to sadness (and everything in between), and talk about “my stuff”; I want to hide!  I told my T on Monday that it is extremely difficult, even painful to know that “she sees me” and I allowed that to happen.  I have been so guarded- walls up, masks up and ready for attack- that this feels completely out of control.  Am I glad that she sees me? Yes, at some level, it helps with working through DID and my parts.  But now that it’s just me…I don’t like it very much.

I have been experiencing migraines on a weekly, sometimes biweekly, basis. They are different than the ones I shared with my teenage part; I’m getting the full brunt of pain. I know my sweet husband is sick of coming home to me being in bed, completely shut down from the world, life, him and our boys. I don’t have any idea what is happening; I feel lost and confused by this new turn of events.

I was and still am an advocate for my parts to share, be present, and heal. So why, then, is this different for me? Why do I feel as though telling my T things will cause abandonment or shame and me being so bad or unworthy of care, comfort and guidance? She offered those same things to the parts of me, would she be able to do that for me?  And then, why do I care? Shouldn’t matter, right?  I don’t need anyone….never had anyone when I needed them in the past. 

I am messed up-shit! Hello Captain Obvious, this is NOT a news flash…no one is running to the Editor-in-Chief with this information; it’s old news, back page, last column, bottom, right corner: This Girl is F’ed Up!

drop mic….

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Finding Courage

My desire to be well has been the driving force behind my intense, long, and sometimes difficult weekly sessions in therapy.  I do not want to give space for satan to “steal, kill, and destroy, anything we have done to this point.  Even when I post the difficult feelings, I know the truth that God is always there, working, healing, and strengthening me to keep moving forward.  It is easy to forget, especially when the view is clouded with doubt, fear, and being bad.

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My T contacted me the other day because I attempted to cancel this Friday’s session.  I emailed her saying, I need to cancel my appt. on Friday.  Two minutes later my phone is ringing, and it’s her number. When I saw it was her name on my phone, it brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t answer.  I’m not sure about the tears or why I couldn’t answer. She emailed back, rather quickly, with her response, No. At first I thought, she can’t tell me, No. Then I remembered that we had decided long ago, that if she needed to be direct with me, it was okay.  I need that at times, especially if I get to the spiraling phase.

About 8:30pm that evening, she sent me a text asking why I hadn’t returned her call or responded to the email.  I sent a text back saying, Good question. Really, I didn’t know why I hadn’t responded.  I think it was the feeling of abandonment that has been pretty heavy for me lately. I have been pushing my husband and son’s away, along with isolating from my friends.  My dysfunctional thinking is, “If I push my inner circle away first, they can’t hurt me anymore.” Not my best thinking, for sure, but it feels so real.

Our back and forth texting led to the decision for me to go to my session tomorrow.  I am trying to prepare myself to share, honestly how I feel, and the issues from last Friday’s session.  I have made copies of my recent blog posts, and plan on reading them to her. It will help me stay focused, say what I need (in case I cry), and give me a little courage.  Finding the courage to say, “I’m angry at myself and you”, is going to be difficult.  I already feel badly about the whole thing, feeling responsible for the mess I’m in emotionally.

Make this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that my feelings are legitimate and I have a right to feel them.”

These are the on-going, internal battles that I fight along this journey.  They aren’t as frequent and they don’t seem to ‘take me out’ as long as they did before.  I know I have the strength to fight, along with my T, who hasn’t give up on me.

 

 

“I Hope I Never ______ in Therapy”

We all have those fears of what you never want to happen in therapy, right?  Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always had a short list of things I hope never happened while in a therapy session.  Keep in mind that I have DID, and parts of me have done things I am not aware of while dissociating. Sometimes it is unpleasant to know I have done something I am not aware of, but that’s how it happens.

Here are my top 3, “I hope I never______in therapy.”k15253103

  1. Vomit 
  2. Take my clothes off
  3. Am face down on the floor

I am going to finish the events that began Tuesday during therapy, and talk about my 3hr. session Thursday.  Starting Wednesday morning until Thursday morning, emails from my teenage part (who I’m calling B) and my T were lighting up my inbox.  I would always know when my T would respond, but not aware of when B would send one.  B was discussing with my T, what could be done about her split part, Scott. How she didn’t want him to suffer, hurt or feel embarrassed.  They are best buds, so it was hard for her to make him do something he didn’t want to do, even if it was necessary.

B took us to the session, and began to explain to my T she had a “revelation” while we were running that morning.  I couldn’t wait to hear what it was, and yet I had an idea.  She went on to say, her whole life she has tolerated pain, no matter how extreme, because what was the point? She realized that by me not saying what we needed, when we are sad, hurt, afraid, in pain, etc. that the consequence was to endure pain.  My parents never allowed for my siblings and me to say those things.  They weren’t nurturing, loved conditionally, punished severely if you did anything wrong, and were abusive.  It didn’t take me long to learn I needed no one but myself, I decided right and wrong, because no else cared….especially the people who were supposed to care.

My T took that information, sat down in front of B and said, “Then tell Scott what you and Kathy need, so he can stop the pain.” In an instant, I felt pain shoot through me and so did B.  She could hardly talk between trying to catch her breath from the pain. I began to hear faint whispers from her to Scott, saying please help me, I need your help, I need you. It was terribly sad, but my pain level, like hers, kept me from thinking of nothing other than how to stop the pain.

My T took B’s hand, maybe to somehow comfort her, I’m not sure.  B grabbed her hands and as fast as the pain arrived, Scott arrived that quickly. It was as if B connected them, to tell Scott that he as in good hands, and for my T to help him finish.  As the pain continued to increase, he kept saying he needed to get up (best idea ever).  I was hoping he would do something, but it appeared as though he was leaning over and lay on the couch….nope!

He slide right down, off the couch, and face down on the floor.  I began to feel my body shake, not like other times, but more like convulsing. He could barely get words out, as he was reliving the trauma he took from B.  My T was sitting in her chair above him, walking him through, reminding him he was no longer there, he can’t be hurt like that anymore, and that he was safe.  He struggled to say complete sentences, but basically he was a hero, and took some horrible abuse for his “best friend”.

I was caught off guard when everything came to a complete standstill, no pain, no shaking, no talking, nothing.  At first, I thought to myself, “I think I died down here,” but that immediately passed when the convulsing and pain started up again. He began to scare me a little, I wanted it to end for all of us.  My T, in her wisdom, took hold of his hand again and began to talk him through the infamous, “Search and Rescue”.  As she took his hand, she asked if he could feel it, then said it was time to get out- once and for all!  I don’t know why/how that all works, but it does, PRAISE the Lord, it does!

It was a slow transition coming back from him to B and then me.  I opened my eyes, my T asked if I was okay, and I responded by asking her to walk out so I could get up, take my things and leave.  She chuckled a bit, and said she didn’t think that was a good idea.  Then I asked her to close her eyes while I got up, and walked out.  Again, same response from her.  Honestly, how does a person transition from that place, those events, that information?? I thought it was a great idea!

Courage for me, in that moment, was to be vulnerable, feel the emotions and say what I needed….because wasn’t that B’s “revelation” from the beginning.  I took her advice, stayed, cried, shared my honest /deepest emotions, and we processed together. I sat on the floor the whole time, my therapist asked me about my pain level, and realized I no longer felt any of that pain in my “backside”!! Unbelievable, really!  This is how God has worked this entire journey, I am constantly amazed by His love, care, protection and mighty hand at work in my life.  He is so good, and faithful.  He has orchestrated every step of my therapy and I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Sorry for the length of this post.  I wanted to share even though it was painful, so, so exhausting and emotional; it was also beautiful that way it ended.  No more pain, parts doing hard work to heal, and seeing God work miracles.  I left there, took a 2 hr nap, shared the events with my wonderful husband, and that night slept 6 straight hours!!!! WooooHoooo!

****For the record, I have never done 1 or 2 on my list above! 🙂

 

 

 

Lost

You know that feeling deep inside that you have misplaced or lost something?  I have felt that this week, but couldn’t put my finger on what was happening.  I had some major triggering events happen, unexpectedly during that time, which didn’t help. Then on Friday I learned that the most recent part we have been working with, left.

By left, I mean she wrote a note saying she needed to go away for awhile.  What?? I know that parts don’t die or disappear forever, but going away.  We were so close to getting through her things.  It makes me sad, and confused, and wondering if I pushed her too hard.  This has never happened before, and I hate it.

What do I do?  I have been so triggered lately and then losing her at the same time has pushed me into isolation.  I don’t want to leave the house, go to work, bible study or therapy.  I actually have canceled all those things…but what if that was a mistake too.

I feel like those little ones and my other teenager, on the inside, need to go to talk, but I’m afraid.  Not really even sure of what.

What happens on runs, stays on runs.

 

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I love to run in the dark.  Somehow it feels a bit safer to share things when it’s dark.  Maybe it’s me, maybe there is some truth to it as well.

Saturday on my 5 mile run, I experienced an episode that hasn’t happened in a long time. My friend, who I’ve ran with the past 5 years, has gone through many of these episodes with me.  She has been a great friend throughout my DID journey, and has been a huge support, even when we had no idea I had DID (officially).  She was observing my switching before we really knew what was happening.  Now a therapist, she understands, along with myself, all the things that take place when I get triggered.

However, as we ran Saturday we came upon 2 german shepherds along with their owner.  He has taking the trash down the driveway, when the 2 full grown dogs came running to meet us.  Lots of barking, showing of teeth, mean faces, and nips too close for comfort.  We didn’t get bit, my friend may have gotten nipped in the ankle. We made it through without any real danger….or did we?

What my friend didn’t know, and what I wasn’t prepared for was a major trigger and switch.  Those 2 german shepherd dogs were part of my past and a very scary experience.  During the ages 11-12, I took piano lessons, and had to ride my bike to my weekly lesson.  My mom would give me my money, I would put it in my piano book, and head out on my bike.  I didn’t have a bag, so I held the book for the 4 mile trip, down country roads.

At mile 2, I came upon a german shepherd, who always seem be waiting for me. As it ran out of the woods, it would run up along side me and bite at my feet and legs as I rode by the house.  One time, I was almost hit by a car trying to swerve away from the dog.  I also lost my money for the lesson on occasion.  It was terrifying as a young girl.

As my friend and I made it past those 2 dogs and through her neighborhood, my young 12 yr. old, Mary, came out to talk. She spoke to my friend about how she was feeling, she broke down and cried, and wanted to get away.  She shared how she cried every week on her way to the lesson.  She also shared about how the piano teacher would breast feed her child during my lesson.  She remembered having to play the song Scarborough Fair, and not having any idea how it went.  The piano teacher gave her a hard time, for not knowing the song.  She said it was hard to listen to her, because she was feeding her baby that way.

I was able to hear most of what she shared, and it was  difficult to listen to her talk about how scared she was feeling.  It’s hard to hear each part describe events of their past, because I want to do something.

This was new information for me, and even though it doesn’t sound horrible, I hate it for her and that she had to be triggered.  I have always been afraid of german shepherd’s, but I never knew exactly why.  Any dog that even looks like one, makes me completely panicked inside.  I now know why, and I will be more alert in the future.

Later that afternoon, I became instantly sick, out of nowhere!  I was sitting typing this blog and suddenly felt like throwing up.  I had to lay down for a few hours before getting up, but not before I finally threw up!  Trying to put all this information together, but nothing seems to really make sense.  Somedays, I feel like DID takes over and I’m left going along with it all.

 

 

 

 

Random thoughts for today

Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, felt sick, battling the effects of throwing up again.  Why do these things keep happening?
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I feel angry inside, but not sure why.  I spent most of the day trying to put Christmas decorations up.  I finally reached that place where I knew I had to jump right in and begin.  However, the moment I tried, I was constantly being distracted by all sorts of things.  Here is what went on after I told my  husband I was ready…

  • went and colored my hair
  • decided sweep the leaves outside
  • then in the garage
  • started more laundry
  • opened Christmas containers and closed them over and over
  • walked around in circles from room to room
  • repaired odd things that were broken-not important

So, you see, my attempts where met by unnecessary distractions.  Finally, many, many hours later-we have decorations. I’m not sure how I even feel about it yet.  I didn’t put up things that seemed to trigger uneasy emotions- and there were several of them!  My husband was very kind and asked before he put things up.  He is terrific and I love him bunches!  He puts up with so very much from me…grateful.

Most of the night, I seemed to be in a fog. At times it wasn’t so bad, and other times I wanted to get out of here.  More than once, I wanted to throw things, smash them, watch them shatter into pieces. It reminded me of my childhood, abuse, and how my family covers it all up!  Always having to look good on the outside, so no one really sees what is raging inside. I am sure that was my teenage part.  She was very angry.  I felt my biggest battle happened internally with her.  It went something like this:

B:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Because it’s important.

B:  To who?

Me:  To all of us, but the little girls need a happy Christmas this year.

B:  I don’t need it.

Me:  Maybe you do.

B:  I don’t think so, it is stupid.

Me:  Why? 

B: Doesn’t make things go away…nothing will change.

Me:  Like what?

B:  Things I don’t want to think about.  Anyway, you let them all control you again- and they won.

Me:  Who won?  I wasn’t controlled.

B:  Bullshit! You let your husband talk you into it, and the counselor.  You never stand up for yourself!

Me: I think they were trying to be helpful.  I was unsure.

B:  Exactly!  You are never sure.

Me:  I am sorry you are upset.  What can I do to help you?

B:  Nothing!  You’ve done enough…

Ugh! That is how my conversation with her went.  No real answers, strong statements, because she is very guarded.  I feel bad because I want everyone to enjoy a new start at Christmas.  Although, I often wonder if she is right about listening to others.  I will say, I wanted my therapist to be on my side when I talked about not wanting to participate in Christmas.  Maybe it was too extreme. But I will admit to feeling a bit “put off” that she didn’t say, “Don’t do it, if you don’t want too.”  Or maybe it’s what I wanted to hear….I hate being indecisive and not knowing!

There seems to be several things attached to Christmas.  I feel uneasy, nervous, somewhat afraid, and unsettled all at the same time.  Maybe it’s pressure to make it different, because what if it isn’t!  I do want to enjoy it, but I guess I don’t know how.  I feel vulnerable inside.  It will be important for me to communicate with those in my “circle” of support.  Of course, there’s that little issue of Holidays=Vacation.

In the past, my therapist has let me know, on my last visit, prior to her vacation, that she was taking time off.  I realize she did this so that I wouldn’t dwell on it weeks ahead of time, or get my self worked up and afraid.  Maybe it’s a compliment to my progress that I found out 3 weeks ago what days she would be gone.  I was proud of myself for the progress, and glad she told me…..but now it seems overwhelming!  Of course, it makes sense that everyone takes vacation, and especially between Christmas and New Year’s.  But right now, it feels scary that I won’t be able to see here, talk through the struggles, and make sense of the things I may be feeling. Now, if there is anyone deserving of vacation, it is her!  I am not saying that at all! I would take a year off, if I had to me as a client.  She is an incredible therapist, and I am truly blessed to have her.

I wouldn’t want to admit to any of that, because I don’t want to seem “needy” or so “messed up” that I can’t survive!  Sometimes I find it very difficult to actually say what I really need.  Is it because I don’t know? Or that I put too much on others.  Either way, it’s a daily struggle.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for today…