Tag Archives: eating disorder

Honesty Goes a Long Way

My Friday session went well. I was able to bring the things I’d been journaling, learning from the past, and memories that were surfacing. I cried a lot, was able to share about my abandonment issues I had toward my T, and be honest about all of it. None of it was easy, but very necessary.  One thing I realized, while discussing my past was always feeling as if people would walk out of my life, but actually it’s from my own pushing away. If I push other’s out, then they can’t leave me. This isn’t a new revelation, but it was new in regards to a therapist I used to see.

I had seen this T in 1989-90 for my eating disorder. My bulimia had been the worst it ever been, and my friend begged me to get help. This was the second T I’d ever seen, and she seem to understand eating disorders and what I was going through. Actually, she was the last therapist I’d seen since I met my current T.  There was some major abandonment there, and it’s probably why I never looked for another therapist in 22 years!  I couldn’t bear having another person “see me, know me and care about me” and then leave. My thinking about how all that happened was distorted and we were able to talk through that, it detail, on Friday.

My T reminded me that she is NOT leaving and she is walking this journey, along side me, until the end! It brought an instant tightening of my chest and a pool of tears in my eyes. Seriously, you WANT to do this??? You really do CARE about me?? You are not going to leave ME??  Why not?? No one wants to hear all this crap! Those were huge pieces to let settle within my mind in that moment. Honesty is a funny thing, once you start….it just keeps going!  And then you’re like, “Did I just say all that?” LOL

giphy“I can always find someone
To say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don’t want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.”

Wow! Sorry, I got a bit lost in Billy Joel. 🙂

Anyway, I felt good.  A bit nervous about my honesty, as it felt a bit exposing, but overall we had a great discussion.  I had some things that the little ones inside wanted to share with her, and I have wondered how the newer parts were doing, since we really haven’t revisited them. But we didn’t have time to get to all of that.

Then about 3AM I woke up with the onset of a migraine-WTF! Really? Can’t I have one day of reprieve? Now what? I started by taking allergy medication, hoping once again it was an allergy….as you can guess, it was a no go.  By 7AM I was beginning the migraine regimen and preparing for a day laying in bed. And that is exactly what happened….out for the day! I hate the feeling, but almost hate the day after even more. I feel hungover, have zero energy, and go from the couch to the chair because I feel so lethargic.

Of course there was this added piece I haven’t had before, and that was this horrible hip and upper leg pain.  I thought at first it was because I laid in bed all day, but I’ve done that several times and never had this feeling afterwards.  So now I’m curious as to what caused this pain, if it is medication, parts of me, laying in bed…very perplexing.  I sent a text to my T, telling her I had another migraine. Since she reminded me of my lack of communication the week before, I knew it was important to let her know.

She wanted to know if I felt up to talking on the phone Saturday, but I was “out” and not able to talk, then Sunday she asked if I wanted to come in on Monday, but she doesn’t see clients that day…so why should she have to come in for me??  I’ve been told, by “those damn therapist” friends of mine, that it’s not up to me to worry about my T schedule. But it is hard for me to think she would care enough to the make time. As she puts it, “No need less suffering allowed.” I’m learning….and trying!

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Celebrate the Small Stuff

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Today I am celebrating, what I would call, a small victory!  It has been a whole day since I’ve binged/purged or cut.

Whew!  I said it, that wasn’t so bad, right?  I hate admitting to things, because it makes me feel bad, corrupt, or not good.  Especially when I’m not fully aware of them happening.

I have learned many things along this journey with DID, PTSD, Depression, Eating Disorder, Addictions, and a Survivor of Abuse…

  • Don’t Quit-Keep Going
  • Persevere
  • Fight
  • Rest
  • Pray
  • Trust
  • Laugh
  • Cry
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Love
  • Believe in Yourself

I am sure there are many more, but you get the idea.  This reminds me of the verses in Philippians 3:12-14:

 12″I have not yet received all these things. I have not yet reached my goal. Christ Jesus took hold of me so that I could reach that goal. So I keep pushing myself forward to reach it. 13 Brothers and sisters, I don’t consider that I have taken hold of it yet. But here is the one thing I do. I forget what is behind me. I push hard toward what is ahead of me. 14 I push myself forward toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it. The heavenly prize is Christ Jesus himself.

Now, before anyone gets upset about the line that says, “I forget what is behind me.”  Paul, is talking about his own past that God had forgiven.  He had done horrible things, and was washed clean, forgiven, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection.

I, however, look it from my own perspective and think of the verse this way… I do not want to be controlled by my past! I won’t forget, I can forgive, but I don’t want any of it to have control over me any longer. So, I push forward toward what is ahead…healing, freedom, wholeness.

God no longer holds my sins against me, because His Son paid for that on the cross.  He has forgotten all my transgressions, when I accepted the gift of His Son.  So, then why should I continue to beat myself up over the wrong things I’ve done?  He doesn’t want me to be controlled by my past wrongs. And I believe, equally, He doesn’t want me to be controlled by the things that were done to me.  He wants me to learn from my own personal mistakes. Also, He has taught me that the wrongs, sins, mistakes, and abuse of others was NOT my fault.

This is a new year, fresh start, new beginnings, whatever you want to call it in 2016.  I’m not going back, I’m moving ahead!  God is making all things new and I am following Him forward in 2016!

Thank you- to ALL of you- who have shown me so much in this short time while on this blog.  Your courage, strength, honesty, perseverance and encouragement has been a true blessing to me.  I am grateful to each of you, even though we have never met.  We share so much in common, and yet we are different at the same time.  I count it all JOY to be supported and encouraged by such wonderful people!

I have had a hard time allowing people to comfort me, give me hugs, etc., but I couldn’t help but send this…

 

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