Tag Archives: DID

“Search and Rescue”

Friday therapy was not what I had planned or expected, but generally, therapy never goes as I have planned.  One of the many things I love about my therapist is that we don’t always go with the obvious.  God always directs the sessions, she follows that lead, and it is always the best thing…even though it seems unexpected.  Don’t get me wrong, most times she has a plan, but we trust when God shows her/us a different path.

We thought we would discuss the harmful behaviors that my teenage part, Kat has been exhibiting.  The drinking, smoking and cutting seem to be at the forefront.  The bulimia isn’t as bad right now, and I’m so thankful.  I usually feel the after affects of the drinking and smoking.  I don’t know when it happens, I’m usually nauseated  and have a headache. It’s still so strange to me that this happens, and I’m unaware. I hope she can find ways to cope other than doing these things.

Friday, however, was dominated by another teenage part, I’ll call B.  She is our system protector, bad ass, leader, and very direct. She hates to “talk” about her abuse, and the part she played in protecting me from an abusive relationship I had in and out of college. She works well with D (my therapist), they have mutual respect for each other, and a unique friendship. D depends on B to fill her in if my community is struggling on the inside.  She is loyal and honest, but won’t say things that aren’t “her place” to say.

She and I have been experiencing some pain (body memories) because of an upcoming anniversary date of abuse.  I hate that these are difficult times of the year for my parts.  I know as we go through therapy and as the years pass, they will be easier.  Although this memory was discussed prior to Friday, it was a place B was stuck.  She told D that God promised to provide a way out, when we experience difficulty.  D said that He also said we must go through things to get to the other side of the healing.

As she shared about the memory, we realized that she literally felt stuck there, and felt as though she couldn’t get out.  D has done, what I call, “search and rescue” with my younger parts.  When they have shared their stories of abuse, they always feel like it is still happening in real time.  D always reminds them, they are not there, and are safe.  Several times as they share, she tells them she is coming to get them out, to take her hand, and they will never return again.  It’s an amazing thing to listen and be a part of, I don’t always get to “participate” though.  When I do, it is difficult for me to hear, because really, that was me.  I learn to have compassion for them and then for myself later on.

Anyway, Friday turned into sharing a painful memory, horrific events of abuse, and needing to be rescued from that event. D came in, searched for B, and she walked her “through the house to find her”, when D got there, she had words for my abuser, put her arm around B, and rescued her from that stuck place.  She tried so hard to be strong and tough, like usual, but it was too much to endure.  Here is where I feel like having a therapist that gets what needs to happen, is so important with DID. She isn’t afraid to get on the floor, or sit beside, sing a song, pray, swear, hug, color, hold onto, or whatever it takes and then model healthy relationships, not only for me, but my parts.

Of course, who doesn’t want their mom in times like this…but that isn’t possible for me.  I grieve it many, many times.  I know it is something I will never have, and it pisses me off, but God does provide other’s in my life to nurture, support and love me.  My amazing husband, sons, my 3 closest friends and even my therapist. It is all learning healthy attachments.  Not easy in the beginning to trust someone with all this, but I am blessed to have D modeling what it should have looked like and how I can become healthy in that area.

Some day when this therapy thing is over…I would love to have coffee with D and talk about life events, she is so wise, kind, spirit-filled and fun. That isn’t going to happen now, but maybe someday.  I’m 46 years old, I wish I had things I don’t, can’t, and won’t, but I can have others in my life, that God has so graciously given me instead.  I know many with DID, PTSD or trauma related issues have unhealthy attachments with their therapist.  I’m thankful that I don’t have that, I’m sure in the beginning it was a normal feeling.  I read some research that said 98% of those of us without a nurturing, loving, and caring parent, find ourselves struggling with these attachment issues with our therapist. Especially if she is female and we didn’t have a mother figure. D has set healthy boundaries for a working therapeutic relationship, she has encouraged friendships with my parts, and has helped me be a mother figure to them. I’m not good at it but she models how healthy relationships look and work.

The plain and simple truth is, only God, and Him alone, can and will fill the painful hole that is left by a missing parent, in my case, my mom.  He provides for us, if we ask, and He will give us immeasurably more than we could ever ask or dare imagine.  He did it for me, and He can do it for you!

My therapy ended with a nap in the vacant office, and a major cry.  Both were needed and necessary.  And today, I feel like we had a huge step forward, a win for the team, and peace.

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Friday Therapy

Yesterday was a long session, I was preparing mentally for it all week. I had shared in my previous post about the body memories and how it was affecting us all.  This was what we worked on yesterday.  I knew I needed to be present as Kat shared her trauma,  to hear it, understand it, and love her through it.  She shared hard things, painful memories, and I am so proud of her, she is so brave!

What I’ve learned about myself in all of this, is that each part of me has a story to share, whether it be trauma, abuse, neglect, or anything thing else.  They came for a specific purpose- to help me, and keep me protected.  They need to feel safe, believed and know I’m going to be okay before they share anything.

This process takes a long time, but can take even longer unless you have a therapist who understands, knows what they are doing with DID, and cares about you and your inside parts.  I will say, it is difficult to find someone qualified enough to walk you through the journey, but when you find them….do the work it takes, you are worth being whole and healed!

We made it through the session, crying, wrapped up in a blanket and curled up on the couch…there seems to be comfort in being wrapped in a blanket.  My inner circle of support have started calling it the “Blanket of Vulnerability”.  I am not a fan of vulnerability or sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions, because at a young age- it wasn’t allowed.  I am learning to do it now, it’s painful at times, but oh, so necesssary for healing.

None of this is easy.  No one said it would be. It’s painful and grueling at times. I hate that. I am embracing it. I do my best. I keep fighting.  I stumble and fall.  I get back up.  I hit the restart button.  I know God is with me.  He has gone before me.  He gives me strength. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And I am going to be okay, even good!

My hope is in the Lord….my hope of finding healing and wholeness can only come through Him.  I love these quotes from the movie Shawshank Redemption, I know that seems weird, but they have encouraged me many times.

 

 

Body Memories***

***I want to say upfront that this may be triggering, so please read with caution or not at all! I am trying to come to terms with automatic body responses that are coming up in my recent awareness of another part’s sexual abuse experience.***

When I first learned about my diagnosis, I had no idea the complexity that would be involved in having Dissociative Identity Disorder, or the pieces that would need put back together.  I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster for the past 3 yrs., but also on the fast track to healing and wholeness.

Sure, there are days that really knock me back or even out for a short time.  If you’ve read any of my post’s you would quickly agree that things change suddenly in my world.  However, there is this piece of body memories/automatic body responses or what some call, unwanted sexual arousal, feelings or stimulation with sexual abuse.  All of which make me want to vomit when I hear those words!

I haven’t been able to address this in therapy, because simply put, it is too shameful.  How can I say, out loud, that I can feel those reactions happening when I’m having nightmares, flashbacks, or even worse, when I’m trying to talk about the experience??

It feels BAD, WRONG, SHAMEFUL, DISGUSTING…what is wrong with me that I would even feel that.  I didn’t like it, I’m sure!  The parts that have experienced this have hated it, hated sharing about it, and I don’t want to deal with it either.

I’ve been reading about this topic, trying to find some way to reconcile it in my head.  I need to support the parts affected, care and love them through it, and myself.  But how? Here are some things I’ve been reading:

“Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can’t go any further with it. They’re stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory.”

“Some survivors are terrified to tell any one including their therapist that when they remember and talk about sexual abuse they feel sexual feelings in their body just as they feel other feelings and body sensations. They are afraid of being viewed as sexually inappropriate, attracted to the therapist or friend, or turned on by sexual abuse i.e. a perpetrator.”

“No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse.  You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, it’s still true. It doesn’t matter what your body did or didn’t do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances”

“Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse or while remembering or talking about sexual abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about.”

“For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors – in fact, all of us – talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge.”

“Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they “should” feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It’s possible to feel better about this issue – one tiny step at a time.”

Maybe this will help me, you, or someone going through this experience.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Because somedays it makes me feel crazy inside.  Trusting and believing that I’m going to be okay, the parts of me are going to be okay, and we are going to make it through this….well, somedays it’s all I have.

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…He will wipe every tear from my eyes

imagesRevelation 7:17 says, “For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd.  He will lead them to springs of life-giving water.  And God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”

One day, we will be made new, whole, healed, no more sorrow and no more tears.  I long for this day, but for now I will praise God in the storms; the days when if feels like I have been overtaken with the burdens of my past.

Today I helped my friend lead worship in a small church.  I love to worship, but it has not been easy for me this past year.  I struggle with strong emotions and most times have to cancel last minute.  As we prepared for this morning, things were going well, and I felt as though God was giving me a small blessing to be able to share who He is, with this group of people.

However, as the service time grew closer, the tears began to form and I wasn’t sure why it was happening.  Inside, I felt a stirring, possibly K (my teenage part), I wasn’t sure.  I would sing, and then feel more tears surface, sing more, and cry more.  The pastor shared a verse from Revelation 5, about Jesus, the Lamb who was slaughtered and blood poured out for each one of us, for the forgiveness of our sins.  I am currently doing a study in the book of Revelation, and I had learned of this verse and it’s true meaning. Today, as I listened to it being read, I couldn’t stop the tears.

When I got home, I decided to text my therapist, to see if she may have some insight into what might be going on with K or what.  She has been talking to her during our therapy sessions, but I haven’t been able to hear their conversations the past two sessions.  She said they have been talking about God, how He loves her, how He’s washed her white was snow, and that she is a new creation, etc. Wow, all these feelings were surfacing during church this morning.

I know it’s rare, but I am thankful I chose a Christian therapist 4 years ago, because she has helped me in so many ways.  I have struggled, since my DID diagnosis, with my relationship with the Lord.  I know He loves me and He has a plan for my life that is GOOD,  that He will never leave, abandon or abuse me (unlike my parents).  She reminds me of His truths and promises, and I am truly grateful for her leadership in this area.  On top of all that, she is extremely gifted in working with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  She is an answer to my prayers and God is using her in mighty ways to bring healing- spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

I am always in awe of how God works, even when I doubt, when I’m afraid, or if I feel like He isn’t there.  I have an 8yr old part (Wendy) who taught me a song this past year.  She used to sing it in therapy, and eventually I looked it up online to see if it was an actual song.  Guess what?  It was!

The lyrics were from the “Inscription of Hope”: Based on fragments of Jewish text found on a cellar wall in Cologne, Germany during the Holocaust- World War II.  It is believed  to have been scrawled by a child hiding from the Nazis in 1943.

“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God
even when He is silent”
She has inspired not only me, but the “others” inside with this song of hope.  And we believe…even when God is silent.
 Psalm 91:4 says, “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”
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Inner dialogue

self talkAs all of us with DID know, we have constant inner dialogue happening-whether we are aware or not, whether we accept it or not, and whether we desire it or not!  Sometimes we can shut it out, and other times it’s all we hear.  It is a component of who we are and how we function.  In the beginning we think everyone has this kind of dialogue happening too. And it’s always shocking when we find out, oh, it’s just us!

This past week has been some of the hardest, no, it has been the single, most difficult work, I have attempted. Since beginning my therapy 3 years ago, the last 2 years being intensive, I can honestly say, no one could have prepared me for what I was about to go through.  Like those of us with DID, PTSD, OCD, eating disorders, traumas, abuse, etc…. there is no, one “fix all” to use.

Learning about sexual abuse was hard, learning about it happening to me, even harder, then learning that one of the times involved my dad…unbearable.  I’m still not doing well with this new information.  I’m trying to care for the part of me that endured it, but at the same time, realizing it was me, and having to deal with that as well- it’s been excruciating.  I feel like I’m failing at both ends.  I feel shame, disgust, dirty, bad, defective, sad, very sad, hurt, angry…..you get the idea.  When will it stop?  Will I ever be okay?  Am I even getting better?  I want to run away, hide, never get out of bed, isolate, numb…..Ahhhhhhhh

Then today, I was reminded of this psalm that was given to me before I left my job and began the intense work 2 years ago.

Psalm 13~ A psalm of David.

Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

 

David is pleading with God, asking the question I have asked God so many, thousands, of times- HOW LONG?  But even in the depth of his cry to God, David, like me (most days) hangs on every word of verses 5 and 6!  BUT, you know there is always a BUT!  But I will trust your unfailing love!  God’s love is unfailing, unchanging, unconditional and unending.  You are His beloved, prized possession and He has a wonderful purpose for your life, despite where you find yourself today.

When people look down upon us, God doesn’t see what they see. He knows the end from the beginning and He uses everything in our life to restore, redeem, make you whole, and put you back together again.  The struggle, difficulty, trial, setback, and loss will one day be a testimony.

I’m truly blessed and beyond grateful for my therapist, who knows so much about DID.  I am abundantly blessed with an incredible husband of 25 years, and my boys.  My husband constantly loves, supports and encourages each part of me, he calls them “his girls”…except for the two boys. 🙂  I have wonderful friends, who have walked along side me and my family.  Love you all!

…the day after

It’s the day after therapy, and I woke up in the middle of the night with a killer migraine.  Those are usually attached to a part of me on the inside.  K (part) is the one who has been going through these difficult memories and sharing them in therapy.  I shouldn’t be surprised about her getting a migraine, because she has gone through so much lately.

K is a fighter and I am so proud of the work she has done, and continues to do.  She is spunky, out-spoken, and does not like to talk about painful things…but who really does??  Since we figured out she has the migraines, we know that it is a body memory, and usually they can’t be fixed with meds.

I have a “cocktail” of meds to take when it comes on, since migraines are debilitating, but it knocks me out.  I sleep and give it time to dissipate.  The problem is, I don’t like taking meds, these particular ones make me groggy the rest of the day, and I sleep for 8-10 hours.  Now, that may sound awesome, since I only get 3-4 hours a night.  It’s the after effects of feeling drugged, that I don’t care for very much.

Thankfully, it doesn’t happen very often these days.  And I am glad I have a plan, with a way to combat the migraine.  K has spent all day wrapped up in her gray, soft, and warm blanket.  We feel so secure and safe inside our own private cave.  Somedays it’s okay to lay around, in your PJs, with a fire and warm cozy blanket.  It’s like being wrapped up in the arms of our heavenly Father, who says, “I will never leave you, or abandon you.”

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Selfish or Not?

FullSizeRenderI have been experiencing some difficult and very painful feelings, emotions, memories, triggers…the past few weeks.  I find myself, or parts of me, wanting to “go away” or “be done”or “end it all”.  Dissociating seems to be stronger than ever.  And as much as I hate feeling this way, it seems to take up so much of my head space.  I have always felt a strong, personal, and “moral conviction” to not think or even act out those thoughts.  Sometimes, I think it’s the only thing that keeps me in a safe place. But somedays I struggle with thoughts of suicide.

I read this article a few years back, after my very close friend’s, son, committed suicide.  She said that it was comforting to read. The pain and anguish that a person must feel, seems overwhelming to me, and yet, I can completely understand.

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
― David Foster Wallace

I was also reading a WordPress blogger’s post, who attached this article about suicide.  I don’t believe in coincidences or fate.  I am sure that this blog came to me for a reason.  Maybe God simply wanted my attention, or He needed me to read these articles.  Either way, I did what “they” say to do, and that was reach out to people who care about me!  I’m grateful I did, and that their are people in my life that love and support me along this journey with a mental illness:  Dissociative Identity Disorder.

How sad that we would say and/or believe this about someone, who we may or may not know.  Is suicide Selfish or a Call for Help?

“There’s no questioning that suicide is catastrophic. It’s absolutely incomprehensible to me and most others that a person would feel so terrible, so trapped, so desolate that she would want to end her own life. 

Yet, it seems every time the topic of suicide comes up, someone attacks suicide victims by calling them “selfish.” I’ve heard it in real life; I’ve read it in articles; I’ve seen it on Facebook. But this attitude is disgusting and abhorrent, and completely misunderstands what it means to be suicidal.

According to a poll conducted in May 2013 by Gallup, only 16 percent of the country finds suicide to be “morally acceptable.” But the moral acceptability is not an issue. Suicide is the tragic, distressing result of severe mental illness. By definition, it takes lives. We don’t question the moral acceptability of other often fatal diseases such as cancer; we accept that they’re awful and terrible and search for ways to cure and prevent them. We certainly don’t attack cancer victims for getting sick. Suicide should be looked at in the same way — we shouldn’t be arguing the justifiability of the victim’s actions or the ethics of ending one’s own life — we should be looking for ways to stop it.

But every time a suicide occurs, some little self-assured voice is going to attack the victim. The same victim who felt inadequate enough to end his or her own life. The same victim who found solace in death. The same victim who assumed the world would be better off without them. This smug character will go out of his way to insult a suicide victim, calling them “selfish,” and “attention-seeking,” asserting that “everyone faces obstacles, they should have sucked it up like the rest of us.” I’ve seen it happen countless times. 

What kind of arrogant, insensitive mindset causes a person to believe that he knows what is going on in a suicide victim’s head, to assume because that he sometimes feels sad, he knows what it’s like to actually want to kill himself? It’s a baffling attitude. A person just died because that seemed like a better option than living. I really can’t, and no non-suicidal person can, imagine feeling that completely hopeless and worthless and out of options. 

I’ve felt sad before, yes. I’ve felt bad about myself before, yes. But I haven’t actively wanted to die, so why should I pretend to know what that’s like? I’ve had the flu before, too, yet I don’t know what cancer is like.

I’m tired of the victim blaming that makes light of one of the most tragic and upsetting scenarios imaginable. This attitude is shameful and does absolutely nothing to prevent suicides in the future; it merely diminishes mental illness and disrespects the deceased.”

—Madeline Ruoff

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Please reach out to someone, you are NOT alone!  You are a survivor, and there is healing from the woundedness you are experiencing!

What happens on runs, stays on runs.

 

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I love to run in the dark.  Somehow it feels a bit safer to share things when it’s dark.  Maybe it’s me, maybe there is some truth to it as well.

Saturday on my 5 mile run, I experienced an episode that hasn’t happened in a long time. My friend, who I’ve ran with the past 5 years, has gone through many of these episodes with me.  She has been a great friend throughout my DID journey, and has been a huge support, even when we had no idea I had DID (officially).  She was observing my switching before we really knew what was happening.  Now a therapist, she understands, along with myself, all the things that take place when I get triggered.

However, as we ran Saturday we came upon 2 german shepherds along with their owner.  He has taking the trash down the driveway, when the 2 full grown dogs came running to meet us.  Lots of barking, showing of teeth, mean faces, and nips too close for comfort.  We didn’t get bit, my friend may have gotten nipped in the ankle. We made it through without any real danger….or did we?

What my friend didn’t know, and what I wasn’t prepared for was a major trigger and switch.  Those 2 german shepherd dogs were part of my past and a very scary experience.  During the ages 11-12, I took piano lessons, and had to ride my bike to my weekly lesson.  My mom would give me my money, I would put it in my piano book, and head out on my bike.  I didn’t have a bag, so I held the book for the 4 mile trip, down country roads.

At mile 2, I came upon a german shepherd, who always seem be waiting for me. As it ran out of the woods, it would run up along side me and bite at my feet and legs as I rode by the house.  One time, I was almost hit by a car trying to swerve away from the dog.  I also lost my money for the lesson on occasion.  It was terrifying as a young girl.

As my friend and I made it past those 2 dogs and through her neighborhood, my young 12 yr. old, Mary, came out to talk. She spoke to my friend about how she was feeling, she broke down and cried, and wanted to get away.  She shared how she cried every week on her way to the lesson.  She also shared about how the piano teacher would breast feed her child during my lesson.  She remembered having to play the song Scarborough Fair, and not having any idea how it went.  The piano teacher gave her a hard time, for not knowing the song.  She said it was hard to listen to her, because she was feeding her baby that way.

I was able to hear most of what she shared, and it was  difficult to listen to her talk about how scared she was feeling.  It’s hard to hear each part describe events of their past, because I want to do something.

This was new information for me, and even though it doesn’t sound horrible, I hate it for her and that she had to be triggered.  I have always been afraid of german shepherd’s, but I never knew exactly why.  Any dog that even looks like one, makes me completely panicked inside.  I now know why, and I will be more alert in the future.

Later that afternoon, I became instantly sick, out of nowhere!  I was sitting typing this blog and suddenly felt like throwing up.  I had to lay down for a few hours before getting up, but not before I finally threw up!  Trying to put all this information together, but nothing seems to really make sense.  Somedays, I feel like DID takes over and I’m left going along with it all.

 

 

 

 

Celebrate the Small Stuff

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Today I am celebrating, what I would call, a small victory!  It has been a whole day since I’ve binged/purged or cut.

Whew!  I said it, that wasn’t so bad, right?  I hate admitting to things, because it makes me feel bad, corrupt, or not good.  Especially when I’m not fully aware of them happening.

I have learned many things along this journey with DID, PTSD, Depression, Eating Disorder, Addictions, and a Survivor of Abuse…

  • Don’t Quit-Keep Going
  • Persevere
  • Fight
  • Rest
  • Pray
  • Trust
  • Laugh
  • Cry
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Love
  • Believe in Yourself

I am sure there are many more, but you get the idea.  This reminds me of the verses in Philippians 3:12-14:

 12″I have not yet received all these things. I have not yet reached my goal. Christ Jesus took hold of me so that I could reach that goal. So I keep pushing myself forward to reach it. 13 Brothers and sisters, I don’t consider that I have taken hold of it yet. But here is the one thing I do. I forget what is behind me. I push hard toward what is ahead of me. 14 I push myself forward toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it. The heavenly prize is Christ Jesus himself.

Now, before anyone gets upset about the line that says, “I forget what is behind me.”  Paul, is talking about his own past that God had forgiven.  He had done horrible things, and was washed clean, forgiven, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection.

I, however, look it from my own perspective and think of the verse this way… I do not want to be controlled by my past! I won’t forget, I can forgive, but I don’t want any of it to have control over me any longer. So, I push forward toward what is ahead…healing, freedom, wholeness.

God no longer holds my sins against me, because His Son paid for that on the cross.  He has forgotten all my transgressions, when I accepted the gift of His Son.  So, then why should I continue to beat myself up over the wrong things I’ve done?  He doesn’t want me to be controlled by my past wrongs. And I believe, equally, He doesn’t want me to be controlled by the things that were done to me.  He wants me to learn from my own personal mistakes. Also, He has taught me that the wrongs, sins, mistakes, and abuse of others was NOT my fault.

This is a new year, fresh start, new beginnings, whatever you want to call it in 2016.  I’m not going back, I’m moving ahead!  God is making all things new and I am following Him forward in 2016!

Thank you- to ALL of you- who have shown me so much in this short time while on this blog.  Your courage, strength, honesty, perseverance and encouragement has been a true blessing to me.  I am grateful to each of you, even though we have never met.  We share so much in common, and yet we are different at the same time.  I count it all JOY to be supported and encouraged by such wonderful people!

I have had a hard time allowing people to comfort me, give me hugs, etc., but I couldn’t help but send this…

 

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Hit a brick wall

Today feels like a continuation of the previous ones…banging my head against the brick wall, and getting nowhere.  Why are these things happening?  What can I do to help those on the inside feel better?  Am I kidding myself by thinking, any of this is going to get better?  Why?  When?  What for?  This cannot be what God has intended for my life, is it?

My binging and purging is becoming out of control.  I’m not even sure what happened.  And I’m not even sure how to get a handle on it all. I have come a long way, as far as being in recovery, only to have it hit a level of acceleration.  Emotionally it is exhausting, but physically, it has become extremely difficult.  I am abusing my body, and honestly, it scares me!

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I know that it scares my family, because like me, they don’t know how to help.  The idea that I may be found lying face down, on the floor, in the middle of the night, is troublesome for everyone.  It feels like going from one addiction to another, but I don’t know why. Well, I do, there is a part of me that simple needs to numb her emotions. But, after 3 years of therapy, you would think I could figure out why things happen, what the triggers are, and how to stop the addictive behaviors.

I have decided to take something to curb my appetite, in the attempt that I will not binge.  Not sure it’s the best solution, but for now, I believe it’s the best choice. Her words constantly ring in my ears, “I don’t want to feel.”

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Took a break from writing yesterday.  As I was putting thoughts together, my therapist called to see how things were going.  She leaves today, and I won’t see her until January 5th.  Now, I am back, to finish up this blog post that has taken me 3 days to finish!  My phone call went something like this…

Therapist:  “How are you doing?”

Me:  “Gooooood, I’m fine, I guess.”

Therapist:  ” I wanted to touch-base with you before I left, and to make sure (insider) was doing ok or if she needed to talk.”

Me:  “Ya, I doubt she will talk on the phone.  I can’t get her to journal or talk to me.”

I proceed to tell my therapist all the things that have been going on since we last met.  She has lots of questions , which I can’t answer, and she’s not really surprised by the behaviors either. Shocker!!

Me:  “This all feels very overwhelming and frustrating, because I don’t know what to do, or say, to help her.”

Therapist:  “Do you think she is listening to our conversation right now?”

I’m thinking…really?? Of course she is listening!  I’m pacing the office, standing up, sitting down, feel somewhat agitated, and I want to hang up on you.

Me:  “I feel like she is; I’m having a hard time sitting still.”

At this point, my therapist, begins to  speak to her indirectly, using her name, saying she would be willing to listen, if (insider) would like to talk, she knows it helped (insider) in the past, and she hates to see her in so much pain, etc.  A few minutes later, (Insider) arrives…

Insider:  “I don’t want to talk about this, okay?”

Therapist:  “I know you don’t, but it would be very helpful.  We would know how to help you, and you would feel better.”

Insider:  “It isn’t going away, what’s the point.”

Therapist:  “The pain?  Yes, it will, go away.  Pain is temporary, we all need to feel it, before we can get past it.  It’s not going to go away by doing the harmful things to your body. And if you continue to do harmful behaviors to cover it up, you will not only hurt yourself, but everyone else too.”

….deep sigh….

Insider:  “But, I don’t like how it feels.  I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want it to go away.”

Therapist:  “I know you do, but you’re going to have to talk to me about it, eventually.  You know the voices are gone, and are never coming back.”

Insider:  “How do you know, for sure? He said he was never leaving!”

Therapist:  “I do know for sure, and he will never, ever be back.  He can’t hurt you anymore.  It probably feels weird not hearing him, right?”

Insider:  “Ya, I don’t know what to do.  It seems so strange.  Are you sure he is gone?”

Therapist:  “Yes, I am positive.  God took care of it, for good.  You can trust Him!  Now, how can I help you see that?”

Insider:  “I don’t need any help.  There isn’t anything, anyone, can do for me.”

Therapist:  “Yes, God wants to help you, I want to help you, and so does (Me).  We all love and care about you!”

This went on for awhile, but the bottom line is; I could feel a change happening on the inside, with her.  She let her defenses down, heard how much she is loved, not only by us, but from God.  And He will NEVER leave, abandon, or hurt her!  We still have several things to talk about/through, when my therapist comes back.  However, for now, she is in a much better place.

I’m truly blessed to be counseled by a godly woman, who walks with the Lord, shares His love with those she meets, and allows Him to use her, as she helps others. She has a true spirit of humility, and gives all the glory to God!  She has led and mentored the parts of me to a relationship with Jesus, and prays for us everyday!  What a blessing!  God is Good- He has made all the difference.  He is healing me.  He is making me whole!  And, He loves me!

Yes, Jesus love me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

The bible tells me so!

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