Tag Archives: depression

Sliding down slowly

Tonight I have felt this overwhelming emotion that vacillates from anger to hurt (sadness), I hate feeling like this and would like it to end.  Since my Friday session, the feelings have amplified to a level I’m not comfortable sustaining.  My insides feel like they are on fire, rage at the peak of the feelings and then back to this sadness.

The things I’ve put together, things that have piled one on top of another until it hurts to breathe, seem really stupid.  I wonder if it’s because it all feels so familiar, this feeling of betrayal, and being lied to about things.  In the past, I would want a part of me to take this anger and run with it, do what needs to be done.  Only because when I try to feel it, it gets messy and the sadness wells up within me.

When you trust people (which is extremely difficult), you think they won’t ever hurt you, whether it be on purpose, or they’re completely unaware they hurt you.  The latter of the two is what has happened in my case.  Good people, who care about me, have hurt me without knowing.  Although I realize it is inevitable, people hurt people…that is life.  It would be ludicrous to think otherwise!  Now what??

What does a person do with this?  Do I tell them, even if it seems completely absurd, and I know it wasn’t intentional? Why put myself through the painful emotions of saying it out loud?  Yes, they are my feelings, I own them, I feel them (damn it), so maybe I’m justified in feeling them??  They don’t feel good, on the contrary, they feel wrong, bad, and unworthy of having to care about them.

However, here is the problem with shutting down, isolating, numbing, and blah, blah, blah. In my limited, restricted circle of trusted people, this affects 2 of the 5.  One being my therapist, and the other my closest, dearest friend. And if I were a betting individual, which I am not, I would bet the farm they have no idea…and therein lies the problem.

My current “thinking” is not go to bible study tomorrow (isolate), cancel my therapy session (what’s the point), and withdraw from my circle of support (protection).  Makes sense in my mind, and yet it makes zero sense.

How did I end up here?  Where did this all go awry? I want to go to bed and wake up normal, no DID, no PTSD, no Mental Illness, no Depression, nothing!  Where did the person go who used to be strong, adequate, empowered, driven, successful, with things in order?  I want that girl back!  Where are you…..

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Celebrate the Small Stuff

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Today I am celebrating, what I would call, a small victory!  It has been a whole day since I’ve binged/purged or cut.

Whew!  I said it, that wasn’t so bad, right?  I hate admitting to things, because it makes me feel bad, corrupt, or not good.  Especially when I’m not fully aware of them happening.

I have learned many things along this journey with DID, PTSD, Depression, Eating Disorder, Addictions, and a Survivor of Abuse…

  • Don’t Quit-Keep Going
  • Persevere
  • Fight
  • Rest
  • Pray
  • Trust
  • Laugh
  • Cry
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Love
  • Believe in Yourself

I am sure there are many more, but you get the idea.  This reminds me of the verses in Philippians 3:12-14:

 12″I have not yet received all these things. I have not yet reached my goal. Christ Jesus took hold of me so that I could reach that goal. So I keep pushing myself forward to reach it. 13 Brothers and sisters, I don’t consider that I have taken hold of it yet. But here is the one thing I do. I forget what is behind me. I push hard toward what is ahead of me. 14 I push myself forward toward the goal to win the prize. God has appointed me to win it. The heavenly prize is Christ Jesus himself.

Now, before anyone gets upset about the line that says, “I forget what is behind me.”  Paul, is talking about his own past that God had forgiven.  He had done horrible things, and was washed clean, forgiven, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection.

I, however, look it from my own perspective and think of the verse this way… I do not want to be controlled by my past! I won’t forget, I can forgive, but I don’t want any of it to have control over me any longer. So, I push forward toward what is ahead…healing, freedom, wholeness.

God no longer holds my sins against me, because His Son paid for that on the cross.  He has forgotten all my transgressions, when I accepted the gift of His Son.  So, then why should I continue to beat myself up over the wrong things I’ve done?  He doesn’t want me to be controlled by my past wrongs. And I believe, equally, He doesn’t want me to be controlled by the things that were done to me.  He wants me to learn from my own personal mistakes. Also, He has taught me that the wrongs, sins, mistakes, and abuse of others was NOT my fault.

This is a new year, fresh start, new beginnings, whatever you want to call it in 2016.  I’m not going back, I’m moving ahead!  God is making all things new and I am following Him forward in 2016!

Thank you- to ALL of you- who have shown me so much in this short time while on this blog.  Your courage, strength, honesty, perseverance and encouragement has been a true blessing to me.  I am grateful to each of you, even though we have never met.  We share so much in common, and yet we are different at the same time.  I count it all JOY to be supported and encouraged by such wonderful people!

I have had a hard time allowing people to comfort me, give me hugs, etc., but I couldn’t help but send this…

 

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