Tag Archives: Christmas

All is calm, all is not right

Christmas day was filled with new beginnings, a wonderful time with my husband and boys, and doing what I need to do to be well, or as another fellow blogger put it…

“You need to do what you need to do to be safe! And if that means not pretending anymore that you belong to a freakin’ Norman Rockwell, Hallmark card family full of squishy hugs and cookie kisses then so be it and they can kiss your ass!”  CimmerianInk

It is never easy to go through the “firsts”- as I call them.  The first year not communicating with my family; the family that has harmed me, not believed me, and thinks mental illness/DID is something I made up.  Even though it would seem like an easy decision, it has been emotionally difficult.

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There are always “ripple effects” no one can see.  Like when you through a rock into the water, you see the big ripples, but the ones fading out from the middle, are not easily seen.  These “ripple effects” are consequences that occur when communication is cut off.  My contact with nieces and nephews are limited, and that is a painful reality for me.  I can only trust that God knows and He has something good planned-even when I cannot see how.

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My day ended with a major turn of events, that I still have not figured out. My husband and I sat down around 9pm to watch a movie (Inside Out), which I had seen before.  When the scene came up with Riley at the dinner table (after she lost her core memories), and she was upset and agitated, so she responded with sarcasm to her dad’s questions.

Even though Riley couldn’t understand what she was feeling, I think her behavior triggered her dad’s anger, which in turn, triggered a teenage part within me, and I felt instantly sick.  My teenage part, who is bulimic, knows this type of scene all to well, with my own dad.  She spiraled quickly, and what was once a happy Christmas day, disintegrated into a scene from my past.

Today, I’m still trying to put the pieces together.  Why was I so quickly triggered, then throwing up, passing out on the floor, switching back and forth, and not being able to gain control?  My husband was doing the best he could to help.  He prayed over us, checked on us and even contemplated  calling my therapist.

I realize these types of things are going to happen, but why did it happen yesterday?  Things were going so well!  Again, I have to lean in, trust God, and know He is in control, even when I am NOT!

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Checking in for today

Good morning fellow bloggers!  Thought I would check in, don’t really have a topic to share.  I’m sure as I type, something will come to me, right? One of the joys of DID is that we are never without something to say…lol!

748537How about you give me some input on why my small Christmas tree, I’ve set aside for my little’s, is still sitting in the same place without lights or decorations??  The plan was to go to Hobby Lobby, let them all choose an ornament, then decorate their tree…sounds easy, right?  So, why haven’t I done anything with it yet?  I went to Hobby Lobby Saturday, spent 4 hours (apparently) and came home with nothing!  Talk about lost time-geesh!

Now on Tuesday, I was able to cut out and bake Christmas cookies, decorate them aIMG_2613nd allow all the little ones to choose their cookies, colors, and sprinkles.  We had a great time, and they made special ones for my husband, kids, and our therapist.  There isn’t anything better than homemade cut-out cookies with melt-in-your-mouth icing (of all different colors).  I think this was the first year I had to create purple icing, and that was for Mary.  She loves purple.

brown-and-gold-Christmas-Tree-decor….back to my tree dilemma.  I want them to have this tree and individual ornaments, but something is blocking the path for me.  I know it has to do with not being able to put my own ornaments on the tree growing up, because our tree had to be “pretty”.  White lights, gold or burgundy bulbs, fancy things stuck randomly in the tree (I guess the designers said so), and all the wrapping paper on the packages had to match the tree too.

 

When I had my own family, it wasn’t long before my mom “suggested” we do that same thing in our remodeled Victorian home.  “It would look nicer”, she said. Now all my decorations are from her decorator and I have one box left of my own things.  These things are precious to me, because it includes my husbands childhood ornaments, mine, our boys, and things we have accumulated together.

I guess I need to go for it!  Start with the lights and see what happens….

 

Random thoughts for today

Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, felt sick, battling the effects of throwing up again.  Why do these things keep happening?
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I feel angry inside, but not sure why.  I spent most of the day trying to put Christmas decorations up.  I finally reached that place where I knew I had to jump right in and begin.  However, the moment I tried, I was constantly being distracted by all sorts of things.  Here is what went on after I told my  husband I was ready…

  • went and colored my hair
  • decided sweep the leaves outside
  • then in the garage
  • started more laundry
  • opened Christmas containers and closed them over and over
  • walked around in circles from room to room
  • repaired odd things that were broken-not important

So, you see, my attempts where met by unnecessary distractions.  Finally, many, many hours later-we have decorations. I’m not sure how I even feel about it yet.  I didn’t put up things that seemed to trigger uneasy emotions- and there were several of them!  My husband was very kind and asked before he put things up.  He is terrific and I love him bunches!  He puts up with so very much from me…grateful.

Most of the night, I seemed to be in a fog. At times it wasn’t so bad, and other times I wanted to get out of here.  More than once, I wanted to throw things, smash them, watch them shatter into pieces. It reminded me of my childhood, abuse, and how my family covers it all up!  Always having to look good on the outside, so no one really sees what is raging inside. I am sure that was my teenage part.  She was very angry.  I felt my biggest battle happened internally with her.  It went something like this:

B:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Because it’s important.

B:  To who?

Me:  To all of us, but the little girls need a happy Christmas this year.

B:  I don’t need it.

Me:  Maybe you do.

B:  I don’t think so, it is stupid.

Me:  Why? 

B: Doesn’t make things go away…nothing will change.

Me:  Like what?

B:  Things I don’t want to think about.  Anyway, you let them all control you again- and they won.

Me:  Who won?  I wasn’t controlled.

B:  Bullshit! You let your husband talk you into it, and the counselor.  You never stand up for yourself!

Me: I think they were trying to be helpful.  I was unsure.

B:  Exactly!  You are never sure.

Me:  I am sorry you are upset.  What can I do to help you?

B:  Nothing!  You’ve done enough…

Ugh! That is how my conversation with her went.  No real answers, strong statements, because she is very guarded.  I feel bad because I want everyone to enjoy a new start at Christmas.  Although, I often wonder if she is right about listening to others.  I will say, I wanted my therapist to be on my side when I talked about not wanting to participate in Christmas.  Maybe it was too extreme. But I will admit to feeling a bit “put off” that she didn’t say, “Don’t do it, if you don’t want too.”  Or maybe it’s what I wanted to hear….I hate being indecisive and not knowing!

There seems to be several things attached to Christmas.  I feel uneasy, nervous, somewhat afraid, and unsettled all at the same time.  Maybe it’s pressure to make it different, because what if it isn’t!  I do want to enjoy it, but I guess I don’t know how.  I feel vulnerable inside.  It will be important for me to communicate with those in my “circle” of support.  Of course, there’s that little issue of Holidays=Vacation.

In the past, my therapist has let me know, on my last visit, prior to her vacation, that she was taking time off.  I realize she did this so that I wouldn’t dwell on it weeks ahead of time, or get my self worked up and afraid.  Maybe it’s a compliment to my progress that I found out 3 weeks ago what days she would be gone.  I was proud of myself for the progress, and glad she told me…..but now it seems overwhelming!  Of course, it makes sense that everyone takes vacation, and especially between Christmas and New Year’s.  But right now, it feels scary that I won’t be able to see here, talk through the struggles, and make sense of the things I may be feeling. Now, if there is anyone deserving of vacation, it is her!  I am not saying that at all! I would take a year off, if I had to me as a client.  She is an incredible therapist, and I am truly blessed to have her.

I wouldn’t want to admit to any of that, because I don’t want to seem “needy” or so “messed up” that I can’t survive!  Sometimes I find it very difficult to actually say what I really need.  Is it because I don’t know? Or that I put too much on others.  Either way, it’s a daily struggle.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for today…

 

 

 

It’s Christmas time, oh my!

Didn’t get much sleep last night, not quit sure why this continues to happen.  Oh, I am aware that this is a normal happening of my DID, but it does get a bit frustrating. I know it is when most of my parts are active, but lately they seem quiet- and I suppose that could be a cause for concern too.

I believe, however, the reason is Christmas.  I struggle during  the holiday times, as I am sure most of you do as well.  This is my year of firsts….my first year to have zero contact with my parents.  Because they play a major role in my childhood abuse, at some point I knew I needed to find separation.

Just like my post yesterday; even though I know it’s unhealthy, I want my mom.  The same is true at the holidays, in that it’s Christmas, and aren’t we supposed to be with family, celebrating, and doing traditional things??  It feels like a push-pull feeling inside:  I want to-it’s not a good idea, maybe just this once-it would be bad for me and my parts, this time is could be different-tried that already…

My therapist and I discussed making Christmas different this year.  We had a good plan, even though I wanted her to encourage me not to participate in decorating, cookie baking, shopping, etc.  How does that happen? Just when I think she is letting me off the hook-bam!  Oh, I am sure it will be for the best.  It is always kind of funny when she blindsides me though. Ha!

Yesterday, I sat around thinking of asking my husband to collect the items from the attic, but I couldn’t.  Today as I sit here, it’s raining outside, cold, nothing to do, and wouldn’t this be the perfect day for decorating and making iced, cut-out, sugar cookies??  Well, yes it would!  But…I am fighting inside to make it happen.

Not sure if there are parts of me that do not want to celebrate this time of year.  As a I type this, I think that could be a dumb question- I won’t mention any names. I know the little ones are excited, because I took them shopping yesterday. My focus was completely messed up, and I felt like the dog from the movie “UP”- squirrel!  Every little light, sound, twinkle, toy, gift, and even the crowds, made for a day of chaos. I think I was gone for 4 hours, not sure what all happened, but we did get some things.

So, the question is why am I decorating?  My boys are 20 and 22, pretty sure they don’t care.  I know I don’t, but my husband wants to do something.  The little ones on the inside want to have Christmas, but if I’m undone, what good is it going to be?  I start to feel absolutely inadequate when it comes to decorating.  I don’t know where to put things, because I always had my critical, controlling and judgmental mom to help.  This is probably why, since I was 12 yrs. old, I drink on Christmas Eve-sometimes the entire bottle of wine!  This is also when my bulimia gets revved back up into full gear.

I also struggle with knowing why we celebrate this time of year, why it gets so out of control and that we really do miss the real reason.  It really is simply this:  Because of God’s great love for us, He gave us the greatest gift of all, when He sent His Son to this earth. Why?  That one day, He would die for us, to take all our sins away and give us yet another gift-salvation-if we believed in Him! That is the Good News of great JOY!

….and I’m sure that dirty stable, where Jesus was born, was not decked out in colored, blinking lights, greenery, pretty wrapped gifts, carols being sung by a fire, families arguing and fighting,  and crowds of angry people trying to get the latest deals!  Those large angry crowds came later….but that’s another story!

I understand that God gave something extremely precious to us all, and that we would model that during this time.  But we take it all too far.  We buy gifts for people we shouldn’t, spend more money than we have, get things we don’t need, and miss the simplicity of it all.

I want to buy 7 gifts, and they are for the people in my life that I care deeply for and wouldn’t be here without them.  I’m not spending much, but the message behind the gift is simple….thank you for giving to me!  I couldn’t EVER  pay them back, with money or things, for what they have given to me.  My prayer would be that God would bless their lives, exceedingly, abundantly, more than they could dare, ask, or ever imagine!  If I could wrap that up, I would!

Will I overcome the feelings of making my home look like Christmas?  I don’t know.  It’s not like talking about it again will make it better.  Not like the Christmas police will come and write me up a ticket. So, we’ll just have to wait and see…

God, give me the strength and courage to follow You today.  Guide my thoughts and actions, and keep my focus on You!  I trust You will show me what to do, even in the midst of my chaos.  Thank you for loving me so much, that I matter to You, and whatever I choose- I’ll still be good.

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Blessings!

 

Just another Tuesday or was it?

Today started out like most, up at 5:00 (officially), drop by 7-Eleven for a 20 oz., hot coffee with french vanilla creamer, drive to my destination, run 5 miles in the dark, disclose the night activities of my parts, if any, listen to my friend, and solve all the problems necessary, prior to returning. Ha!  If it were only that easy.

I do love to run, it helps me emotionally, and gets me motivated for the upcoming day.  Tuesday is bible study day, and we are studying Revelation. It has never been a desire for me study this book, but I am learning a plethora of information.  And I’m really liking it, while learning a plethora (my new word for today). It is overwhelming, at times, to fathom how much Satan wants to kill, steal, and destroy us.  However, as a believer, I am on God’s team, and He wins in the end!  And that, is GREAT NEWS!

After that I head to therapy, which has been fairly difficult on Tuesday’s.  I have ended up sleeping in my car in the parking lot, drinking in the park, smoking outside on the steps, to simply being MIA (missing in action). Maybe I should call it MID (missing in dissociation).   It is a shorter session, and there is always much to discuss after the weekend.

We started the session talking about Christmas…this is a difficult time for me, and maybe most of us with DID.  For the past two years I haven’t been able to decorate my home, even forgoing a tree.  One year, my friend and her daughter came to help, but it was undoing for me.  We are also expecting my husband’s family after Christmas, I am already anxious about their arrival.  This past year, we have converted our spare bedroom into a play, drawing, art, room for the insiders.  They absolutely love to go in there and create, play, watch movies, and sing.  Cindy, my artist, shares her space well, but dislikes when her things are out of place.

We aren’t sure it’s a good idea to clean it out for guests….maybe tinspirational-quotes-4hat is me being selfish or simply taking care of my parts and what is important to them.  They feel safe in our home, I don’t want to send the message that they have to go into hiding or shut them down.   Besides, I fear the in-laws will encounter the parts of me and not know what to do or say.  My husband and boys are comfortable, and go with it, when that happens.  Not sure the in-laws will be able to handle that. Either way, my sweet, loving husband took care of the arrangements- no one is staying with us!

Until next time…blessings to all!