Didn’t get much sleep last night, not quit sure why this continues to happen. Oh, I am aware that this is a normal happening of my DID, but it does get a bit frustrating. I know it is when most of my parts are active, but lately they seem quiet- and I suppose that could be a cause for concern too.
I believe, however, the reason is Christmas. I struggle during the holiday times, as I am sure most of you do as well. This is my year of firsts….my first year to have zero contact with my parents. Because they play a major role in my childhood abuse, at some point I knew I needed to find separation.
Just like my post yesterday; even though I know it’s unhealthy, I want my mom. The same is true at the holidays, in that it’s Christmas, and aren’t we supposed to be with family, celebrating, and doing traditional things?? It feels like a push-pull feeling inside: I want to-it’s not a good idea, maybe just this once-it would be bad for me and my parts, this time is could be different-tried that already…
My therapist and I discussed making Christmas different this year. We had a good plan, even though I wanted her to encourage me not to participate in decorating, cookie baking, shopping, etc. How does that happen? Just when I think she is letting me off the hook-bam! Oh, I am sure it will be for the best. It is always kind of funny when she blindsides me though. Ha!
Yesterday, I sat around thinking of asking my husband to collect the items from the attic, but I couldn’t. Today as I sit here, it’s raining outside, cold, nothing to do, and wouldn’t this be the perfect day for decorating and making iced, cut-out, sugar cookies?? Well, yes it would! But…I am fighting inside to make it happen.
Not sure if there are parts of me that do not want to celebrate this time of year. As a I type this, I think that could be a dumb question- I won’t mention any names. I know the little ones are excited, because I took them shopping yesterday. My focus was completely messed up, and I felt like the dog from the movie “UP”- squirrel! Every little light, sound, twinkle, toy, gift, and even the crowds, made for a day of chaos. I think I was gone for 4 hours, not sure what all happened, but we did get some things.
So, the question is why am I decorating? My boys are 20 and 22, pretty sure they don’t care. I know I don’t, but my husband wants to do something. The little ones on the inside want to have Christmas, but if I’m undone, what good is it going to be? I start to feel absolutely inadequate when it comes to decorating. I don’t know where to put things, because I always had my critical, controlling and judgmental mom to help. This is probably why, since I was 12 yrs. old, I drink on Christmas Eve-sometimes the entire bottle of wine! This is also when my bulimia gets revved back up into full gear.
I also struggle with knowing why we celebrate this time of year, why it gets so out of control and that we really do miss the real reason. It really is simply this: Because of God’s great love for us, He gave us the greatest gift of all, when He sent His Son to this earth. Why? That one day, He would die for us, to take all our sins away and give us yet another gift-salvation-if we believed in Him! That is the Good News of great JOY!
….and I’m sure that dirty stable, where Jesus was born, was not decked out in colored, blinking lights, greenery, pretty wrapped gifts, carols being sung by a fire, families arguing and fighting, and crowds of angry people trying to get the latest deals! Those large angry crowds came later….but that’s another story!
I understand that God gave something extremely precious to us all, and that we would model that during this time. But we take it all too far. We buy gifts for people we shouldn’t, spend more money than we have, get things we don’t need, and miss the simplicity of it all.
I want to buy 7 gifts, and they are for the people in my life that I care deeply for and wouldn’t be here without them. I’m not spending much, but the message behind the gift is simple….thank you for giving to me! I couldn’t EVER pay them back, with money or things, for what they have given to me. My prayer would be that God would bless their lives, exceedingly, abundantly, more than they could dare, ask, or ever imagine! If I could wrap that up, I would!
Will I overcome the feelings of making my home look like Christmas? I don’t know. It’s not like talking about it again will make it better. Not like the Christmas police will come and write me up a ticket. So, we’ll just have to wait and see…
God, give me the strength and courage to follow You today. Guide my thoughts and actions, and keep my focus on You! I trust You will show me what to do, even in the midst of my chaos. Thank you for loving me so much, that I matter to You, and whatever I choose- I’ll still be good.