Tag Archives: bulimia

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

“Extreme and undesirable circumstances or situations can only be resolved by resorting to equally extreme actions; actions that might seem extreme under normal circumstances are appropriate during adversity.” 

giphy

As I shared in my last post, I was completely undone by a blindsided experience. It was the proverbial ‘last straw’ in a series of events that have been going for the past 4 weeks. During therapy Friday, my 3 hour session was jam packed with my teenage part doing some incredibly hard work. Kat had walked out of therapy on Tuesday with every intention to end her life, which in turn means mine as well. When parts engage in active suicidal ideation, they need to understand that they aren’t the only ones affected by the action. We all will be victim to whatever is done.

Kat is my part that has several addictive behaviors and they have been extremely evident during these past 4 wks. It has been wearisome and heartbreaking for me to deal with the ways she harms herself. We had made some excellent progress and it was breaking my heart to see her suffer. Tuesday she was the lowest she’s ever been; she stood up to walk out of therapy, as she reached for the doorknob, she turned back, faced my therapist and said, “You have to let me go.” My T took her by the hands and said, “Absolutely not! Never, not going to happen; no!” They hugged and Kat walked out! My T was very worried but had another client waiting.

My T always hates when she doesn’t get to talk to ‘me’ during a session, especially in times like these. However, what we weren’t aware of, is that God had a plan for Kat. She walked to my car with every intention to take a bottle of pills followed by a bottle of vodka, but something within her shifted. She walked back into office, sat down in the waiting area, (since my T was in a session) and waited. While she sat there, she picked up a book, a devotional called, Jesus Today: Experience Hope Through His Presence.  

She turned to that days devotional and read this: “Nothing can separate you from God’s love. When you are facing tough times, I will help you and strengthen you with My Love.  Even though you live in a world where trouble is inescapable, you can be of good cheer because I have overcome the world!”

hand reaching down to save

In that moment, God reached down and met Kat in her hopelessness. He saved her, all of us, from harm. God says in Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you. I will never desert you.” Grateful, thankful, blessed, are all I can say about what took place in that moment! God loves each and every part of me, period! He created a way for me to survive horrible abuse. Dissociation is a gift from God that allows people to cope when they would otherwise turn to suicide or mentally locked up because of the trauma. It is a lifesaving technique for survival.

When Kat returned to therapy on Friday, she apologized to my T and they were able to address the issues that surrounded her behaviors. I can’t put into words just how amazing my T was that day, actually she is amazing most days! It was a major step forward in Kat’s healing and us as a whole. And then I was blindside, once again, 2 hours later…

I went home, completely shut down, cried until I couldn’t breathe, told my husband I couldn’t do this again, wanted to die and asked him to call and admit me somewhere. I sent an email to my therapist, who unfortunately was involved in this blindside, and told her I wouldn’t be back. I was emotionally broken and exhausted. I thanked her for her incredible work with us all. Of course she was confused and wanted to get to the bottom of whatever the issue was. I didn’t respond and went to bed emotional, numb and extremely worn down. In the morning, she sent another email saying she didn’t agree with me- shocker!  I had said it was my job to protect us all from enduring another blindside and from continuing on with therapy…she didn’t agree!

She said, “I don’t know why we can’t handle this like everything else: by me showing up, talking to parts affected, finding out what was done to me, so that we can dismantle it.” She had a few revelations and suggested we meet to discuss them in person- if I felt it was a good idea. It was Saturday; she was willing to meet me because allowing anything to get in the way of my progress wasn’t going to happen. I have no words for her kindness, care, generosity, grace and a willingness to fight for my freedom!

We started at 12:30PM and ended at 5:00PM…desperate times call for desperate measures! Together, we dug in, worked incredibly hard and didn’t quit until we unraveled every piece to this puzzle. All I can say is, thank you Jesus! I feel completely different today, like whatever was squeezing the life out of me, is gone! I’m hoping this chapter of my life is over and we can move forward in the healing process. Grateful, Thankful, Blessed!

Advertisements

Friday Meltdown Part 2

In my last post , I shared about what happened after last Friday’s therapy session.  I was not involved/present during the session, which I did on purpose.  My little one’s had planned to visit with my T and I didn’t want to be there.  That probably sounds bizarre, why would I choose not to be present during therapy.  It was the questioning of my friend, the “damn therapist”, that triggered feelings I was completely unaware were buried. The question as to why I chose not to be present in that session left me with swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly.

While crying in my closet (my crying place), I realized the one person who could help me, put words as to why I wasn’t present, and get me to a calm place, was my therapist. I have been working intensely toward being honest and upfront with my T about my past, how I’m really feeling, and what I need. It isn’t comfortable at times, but extremely necessary and important.  With that in mind, I apprehensively called my T. Not gonna lie, there was a moment when I felt like,  “What if she answers; what will I actually say?” LOL

Of course she answered, asked if I was okay, and right away I started crying all over again. Seriously, I couldn’t even hold it together for a, “Hi, how are you?” Ugh!  I told her that I had been asked about why I chose not to be present during the session; she wanted to know as well. Shocker!! I began by saying it was, at times, uncomfortable to see myself sitting there as a child (but 47 yrs old), listening to my T read my favorite picture books, and feeling so at ease. It’s hard to wrap my head around all that, but I know this is how it all works.

The biggest reason- my mom never read to me, but the babysitter did. The lady who babysat for me (5 yrs old) and my siblings, was married to a pedophile who would sexually abuse me when he came home for lunch. When he would leave, she would rock me in a chair and read books to me…like somehow that was going to fix the problem!!!  Later, when I was 19, I started therapy for my eating disorder. My first attempt at therapy, and I only went because my really good friend/mentor was noticing I was acting strange when it came time to eat.  She was the first person I told about being bulimic, she freaked out, and like a good codependent (didn’t have a clue what that was at 19), she found me a therapist, drove me there, and had actually met with her once because she didn’t think it was going well-yikes!

I began to share with this friend, things no one knew about me. I trusted her with information, but mostly she was the first person I thought truly cared about me. She saw the dysfunctional relationship with my mom and was shocked by her constant behavior towards me. It was soothing to have someone care, encourage, and love me for who I was.  She allowed me to be a part of their family, watch their kids, and see what a loving family looked like.  Unfortunately, she saw me as her child, and wanted to mother me through these difficult days…that’s when I learned the word codependent. Her intentions were good, but unhealthy. And one day, after therapy, I drove to her house and broke down emotionally about not having a mom who loved me unconditionally. I was grieving something I would never have, sad for always being criticized and judged, and pretending that we had this “great family”. She walked across the room, sat with me in the chair and rocked back and forth. Moments later, she was reading a children’s book to me and thinking it would bring a sense of comfort and peace. My child parts (I was unaware of at the time) attached to this lady who was very kind and loving. I remember feeling very small in that moment; I just didn’t know why.

2o+ years later, I see all the unhealthy attachment there, my therapist, at the time, saw it and point it out to me too. I wish I knew then what I know now, but we all could say that, and it isn’t helpful for today. I don’t have any connection with this friend; we live hundreds of miles apart. There is so much more about all that, but it will have to be another day, another post.

So, that is why I didn’t want to be in session. I was unable to separate myself enough to see the healthy parts of it, enjoy being there, and seeing this as a new and positive experience. All of this new information surfaced, became overwhelming and I was completely taken out emotionally. My T thanked me for being vulnerable, honest, and calling. She understood why I did what I did, and said we could work through it when I was ready…which is therapist code for “we will be talking about it next session”.  I know how those “damn therapists” work; they aren’t fooling me. LOL

The problem with working through the issue came when I didn’t go to therapy today…I took the day off to work outside in the flower beds, knowing that I really don’t know what I’m doing.  My mom always did the flowers, because I could never “get the right things”, “plant them correctly”, or do “enough to make it look good”. Another mental block where she is concerned and it paralyzed me again today.  First it was the books and now flowers!!  OMG

 

Honesty Goes a Long Way

My Friday session went well. I was able to bring the things I’d been journaling, learning from the past, and memories that were surfacing. I cried a lot, was able to share about my abandonment issues I had toward my T, and be honest about all of it. None of it was easy, but very necessary.  One thing I realized, while discussing my past was always feeling as if people would walk out of my life, but actually it’s from my own pushing away. If I push other’s out, then they can’t leave me. This isn’t a new revelation, but it was new in regards to a therapist I used to see.

I had seen this T in 1989-90 for my eating disorder. My bulimia had been the worst it ever been, and my friend begged me to get help. This was the second T I’d ever seen, and she seem to understand eating disorders and what I was going through. Actually, she was the last therapist I’d seen since I met my current T.  There was some major abandonment there, and it’s probably why I never looked for another therapist in 22 years!  I couldn’t bear having another person “see me, know me and care about me” and then leave. My thinking about how all that happened was distorted and we were able to talk through that, it detail, on Friday.

My T reminded me that she is NOT leaving and she is walking this journey, along side me, until the end! It brought an instant tightening of my chest and a pool of tears in my eyes. Seriously, you WANT to do this??? You really do CARE about me?? You are not going to leave ME??  Why not?? No one wants to hear all this crap! Those were huge pieces to let settle within my mind in that moment. Honesty is a funny thing, once you start….it just keeps going!  And then you’re like, “Did I just say all that?” LOL

giphy“I can always find someone
To say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don’t want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.”

Wow! Sorry, I got a bit lost in Billy Joel. 🙂

Anyway, I felt good.  A bit nervous about my honesty, as it felt a bit exposing, but overall we had a great discussion.  I had some things that the little ones inside wanted to share with her, and I have wondered how the newer parts were doing, since we really haven’t revisited them. But we didn’t have time to get to all of that.

Then about 3AM I woke up with the onset of a migraine-WTF! Really? Can’t I have one day of reprieve? Now what? I started by taking allergy medication, hoping once again it was an allergy….as you can guess, it was a no go.  By 7AM I was beginning the migraine regimen and preparing for a day laying in bed. And that is exactly what happened….out for the day! I hate the feeling, but almost hate the day after even more. I feel hungover, have zero energy, and go from the couch to the chair because I feel so lethargic.

Of course there was this added piece I haven’t had before, and that was this horrible hip and upper leg pain.  I thought at first it was because I laid in bed all day, but I’ve done that several times and never had this feeling afterwards.  So now I’m curious as to what caused this pain, if it is medication, parts of me, laying in bed…very perplexing.  I sent a text to my T, telling her I had another migraine. Since she reminded me of my lack of communication the week before, I knew it was important to let her know.

She wanted to know if I felt up to talking on the phone Saturday, but I was “out” and not able to talk, then Sunday she asked if I wanted to come in on Monday, but she doesn’t see clients that day…so why should she have to come in for me??  I’ve been told, by “those damn therapist” friends of mine, that it’s not up to me to worry about my T schedule. But it is hard for me to think she would care enough to the make time. As she puts it, “No need less suffering allowed.” I’m learning….and trying!

Whew, long sessions wear me out!

Friday therapy is my long one, and today I was literally “gone” for 2hrs and 45min.  My teenager, who has been gone, did all the talking.  There was 15min. left when I “came back” to present.  It is wearisome work. I was exhausted, had one of those emotional headaches, and wanted to sleep. I heard about half of what was said, I think.  The information I did get, I’m pretty sure was not over 2 hrs. worth, hmmm….”Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!”

57091963

Anyway, all humor aside, it was good and very productive.  She is my part that engages in multiple addictive/harmful behaviors.  She has made me aware of her alcohol and cigs stash, showed me what she uses to cut, and we talked about the bulimia.  I can’t imagine trying to stop all that at once, so it will require patience and grace, lots of grace.  I believe in her 100%, she is a fighter, and we are going to do it together.

My therapist (D) spent a significant amount of time with her on the topic support. Learning to depend on others, letting her people know when she is struggling, communicating with me, journaling, and that she could always text D, if needed.  It isn’t different than any other ‘outside person’, we all need accountability and support.  We need love not judgment, care not criticism, encouragement not put-downs.

My husband has been a strong support for me and has been there for “his girls”, as he calls them.  He can hug and rock them when they need, where I can’t wrap my arms around myself, like I want to be held.  I am truly blessed by his unconditional love for all of us!

Looking forward to progress, even if it is slow, or stalled at times.  One day at a time; and we can always hit “Restart” at any moment.

“Search and Rescue”

Friday therapy was not what I had planned or expected, but generally, therapy never goes as I have planned.  One of the many things I love about my therapist is that we don’t always go with the obvious.  God always directs the sessions, she follows that lead, and it is always the best thing…even though it seems unexpected.  Don’t get me wrong, most times she has a plan, but we trust when God shows her/us a different path.

We thought we would discuss the harmful behaviors that my teenage part, Kat has been exhibiting.  The drinking, smoking and cutting seem to be at the forefront.  The bulimia isn’t as bad right now, and I’m so thankful.  I usually feel the after affects of the drinking and smoking.  I don’t know when it happens, I’m usually nauseated  and have a headache. It’s still so strange to me that this happens, and I’m unaware. I hope she can find ways to cope other than doing these things.

Friday, however, was dominated by another teenage part, I’ll call B.  She is our system protector, bad ass, leader, and very direct. She hates to “talk” about her abuse, and the part she played in protecting me from an abusive relationship I had in and out of college. She works well with D (my therapist), they have mutual respect for each other, and a unique friendship. D depends on B to fill her in if my community is struggling on the inside.  She is loyal and honest, but won’t say things that aren’t “her place” to say.

She and I have been experiencing some pain (body memories) because of an upcoming anniversary date of abuse.  I hate that these are difficult times of the year for my parts.  I know as we go through therapy and as the years pass, they will be easier.  Although this memory was discussed prior to Friday, it was a place B was stuck.  She told D that God promised to provide a way out, when we experience difficulty.  D said that He also said we must go through things to get to the other side of the healing.

As she shared about the memory, we realized that she literally felt stuck there, and felt as though she couldn’t get out.  D has done, what I call, “search and rescue” with my younger parts.  When they have shared their stories of abuse, they always feel like it is still happening in real time.  D always reminds them, they are not there, and are safe.  Several times as they share, she tells them she is coming to get them out, to take her hand, and they will never return again.  It’s an amazing thing to listen and be a part of, I don’t always get to “participate” though.  When I do, it is difficult for me to hear, because really, that was me.  I learn to have compassion for them and then for myself later on.

Anyway, Friday turned into sharing a painful memory, horrific events of abuse, and needing to be rescued from that event. D came in, searched for B, and she walked her “through the house to find her”, when D got there, she had words for my abuser, put her arm around B, and rescued her from that stuck place.  She tried so hard to be strong and tough, like usual, but it was too much to endure.  Here is where I feel like having a therapist that gets what needs to happen, is so important with DID. She isn’t afraid to get on the floor, or sit beside, sing a song, pray, swear, hug, color, hold onto, or whatever it takes and then model healthy relationships, not only for me, but my parts.

Of course, who doesn’t want their mom in times like this…but that isn’t possible for me.  I grieve it many, many times.  I know it is something I will never have, and it pisses me off, but God does provide other’s in my life to nurture, support and love me.  My amazing husband, sons, my 3 closest friends and even my therapist. It is all learning healthy attachments.  Not easy in the beginning to trust someone with all this, but I am blessed to have D modeling what it should have looked like and how I can become healthy in that area.

Some day when this therapy thing is over…I would love to have coffee with D and talk about life events, she is so wise, kind, spirit-filled and fun. That isn’t going to happen now, but maybe someday.  I’m 46 years old, I wish I had things I don’t, can’t, and won’t, but I can have others in my life, that God has so graciously given me instead.  I know many with DID, PTSD or trauma related issues have unhealthy attachments with their therapist.  I’m thankful that I don’t have that, I’m sure in the beginning it was a normal feeling.  I read some research that said 98% of those of us without a nurturing, loving, and caring parent, find ourselves struggling with these attachment issues with our therapist. Especially if she is female and we didn’t have a mother figure. D has set healthy boundaries for a working therapeutic relationship, she has encouraged friendships with my parts, and has helped me be a mother figure to them. I’m not good at it but she models how healthy relationships look and work.

The plain and simple truth is, only God, and Him alone, can and will fill the painful hole that is left by a missing parent, in my case, my mom.  He provides for us, if we ask, and He will give us immeasurably more than we could ever ask or dare imagine.  He did it for me, and He can do it for you!

My therapy ended with a nap in the vacant office, and a major cry.  Both were needed and necessary.  And today, I feel like we had a huge step forward, a win for the team, and peace.

Quotation-S-Kelley-Harrell-support-healing-Meetville-Quotes-208416-11e3ddbe59575ab96716ab53f8123ce84

Tears have ended…finally!

It had been 5 straight days of crying and sadness over heavy memories of sexual abuse at the hands of my parent.  Sometimes it shocks me all over again, and I swirl within to make sense of anything.  Why?  wHy? whY?  Probably never going to get the answer I long for and desperately desire to have.

The harmful behaviors continue to surface, as Kat strives to find those same answers.  I get as a teenager, feelings seem too much to handle, but I really am too old for this. 🙂  The nausea from smoking, drinking, cutting, binging/purging, lack of sleep, migraines….I am ready for things to change.  At the same time, I realize she isn’t going to stop all these behaviors cold turkey.

Then I’m reminded to continue to show grace, love, patience, and perseverance throughout this enormous process, called DID. My therapist repeatedly compliments my patience with this, but some days I feel like I’ve failed myself and all the parts of me.  I know they see me struggle more than ever, see me cry for the first time, and yet they continue to extend grace.  What a blessing and example to follow.  God is genuinely creative, loving, and oh, so, kind as He has made this all available to those of us who endured horrific abuse.  What a precious gift!

I will celebrate dry eyes today…you never know when that will change.  Please know, that I know, crying is good, healthy, and healing.  Sometimes it is the ONLY way we can communicate the pain and suffering or blessings and joy!  Someday, as the scripture says in Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

 

Another day, another migraine

Therapy Tuesday went something like this….

  • Run at 5:30am, it’s 22 degrees, I’m with my friend, in the dark, fighting a slight headache, and pushing her to go 5.5 miles.
  • 8:30am-headed out for BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) where we are studying the book of Revelation.  So much stuff, so deep, so much imagery, so much interpretation, so, so much…learning so much too!
  • Somewhere between point #2 and #3, I switched. My teenage part was triggered and now sitting there listening to the speaker share a personal story about being a rebellious teenager and talking to her Christian parents.  I guess she was feeling uneasy about the entire content.
  • I “came back” for the last point- #3, only to find myself with an uneasy, was anyone watching me, could they tell, what just happened, kinda feeling.  Switching in public is the worst, I tell ya!  What’s even worser (I made that word up) is switching while in a church full of women (respectfully older than me) while learning about the bible!
  • On my drive home, I’m struggling to stay present.  I want to smoke, but I hate to smoke!  I want to cut, but I don’t cut.  I want to drink, but I’m driving.  Are you following the madness of it all?? I want to numb…
  • 2hours until therapy, I can make it.  But for what?  I am not sure what really happened.  I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.
  • Therapy starts at 1:30 and ends at 3:00….OMG it’s 3:00, I’m standing in the middle of my therapist’s office, coat on, migraine pounding, and I feel completely dissociated.
  • Do I go home, go to work (where I’m supposed to go), head to the bathroom to vomit because of the migraine, lay down on the floor because I can barely move or sit in the lobby until it “magically” goes away??
  • I decide to sit in the lobby and wait for it to pass, but I don’t make it there (prob 10 steps) because I have to throw up.  I go back to the chairs in the lobby and, wait, wait, wait and then decide to head to my car….
  • Back to the bathroom to vomit again, then back to the chairs, then up to leave, back to the bathroom, back to the chairs….damn!  I’m making my head spin just typing this!
  • Apparently I’m there doing this for a whole hour, because she (therapist) comes out to get another client, and I’m still there!  She calls my “support team” so someone can take me home.
  • I just need to take my migraine pill, oh, but I left my purse in the car and that is where I keep the pills.  NICE!
  • My friend comes, because my husband can’t get there, and she drags me to her truck, rolls me in the backseat, I curl up in a ball, and try and hold it in until I get home.
  • What the hell happened today?  What took place between BSF and therapy?  What was said in therapy?  Why am I having a migraine again? WHHHHYYYYY?
  • After I take my “cocktail” of migraine meds, I feel numb, kind of paralyzed, awake- but not really.  I hate and love the feeling, all at the same time.

cfb5b6e71f7635df42855a260bd4af55

T I R E D

tumblr_nun9tnZc6j1r1ekaro1_500Last night I slept for 1 hour!  I am exhausted, I feel hollow inside, and very tearful.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to curl up in a blanket and not come out.

Yesterday started with a migraine that I fought all day with meds….not much relief.  I didn’t eat all day, so that me jittery and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I seemed vaguely present to my family, tried to eat a little, but I only wanted to lay down and slip away.  Let another part of me be out instead.

When I decided to get ready for bed, my nose started bleeding out of nowhere, so I washed my face, took my anxiety pill and got into bed.

As I laid there, I said to myself, “I’m going to sleep all night, maybe even get 4-5 hours.”  I feel my body relax, my mind slowing down, and I’m slowly falling asleep…and then BAM!  I get this horrible vision of being sexually abused, and I’m wide awake.  I try to block it, think of something else, pray, anything, but it keeps coming back.

After an hour of so, I find myself over the toilet, throwing up, blood streaming out my nose, and crying.  However, I’m strangely aware that I am not the one doing do it, it’s like I’m hovering over the top.  I can’t make it stop!  It’s like I’m pounding on a glass window for anyone to hear me, “Make it stop!” I go back to bed and just lay there…awake.

1443478247I put on my running clothes, it’s 5:30am, my friend arrives and we run.  I don’t want to stop, I feel in control, I don’t even know how I have any strength- to run.  It helps me, somehow, and for that hour, I tell myself, “I can do this!” When I return, I’m exhausted, dizzy, nauseated, and I want to sleep.  So, I get in the shower, get dressed and head to work.

I don’t feel safe right now.  I can’t fix how I’m feeling or the part of me who is struggling so much on the inside.  It feels out of control.

 

 

Inner dialogue

self talkAs all of us with DID know, we have constant inner dialogue happening-whether we are aware or not, whether we accept it or not, and whether we desire it or not!  Sometimes we can shut it out, and other times it’s all we hear.  It is a component of who we are and how we function.  In the beginning we think everyone has this kind of dialogue happening too. And it’s always shocking when we find out, oh, it’s just us!

This past week has been some of the hardest, no, it has been the single, most difficult work, I have attempted. Since beginning my therapy 3 years ago, the last 2 years being intensive, I can honestly say, no one could have prepared me for what I was about to go through.  Like those of us with DID, PTSD, OCD, eating disorders, traumas, abuse, etc…. there is no, one “fix all” to use.

Learning about sexual abuse was hard, learning about it happening to me, even harder, then learning that one of the times involved my dad…unbearable.  I’m still not doing well with this new information.  I’m trying to care for the part of me that endured it, but at the same time, realizing it was me, and having to deal with that as well- it’s been excruciating.  I feel like I’m failing at both ends.  I feel shame, disgust, dirty, bad, defective, sad, very sad, hurt, angry…..you get the idea.  When will it stop?  Will I ever be okay?  Am I even getting better?  I want to run away, hide, never get out of bed, isolate, numb…..Ahhhhhhhh

Then today, I was reminded of this psalm that was given to me before I left my job and began the intense work 2 years ago.

Psalm 13~ A psalm of David.

Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

 

David is pleading with God, asking the question I have asked God so many, thousands, of times- HOW LONG?  But even in the depth of his cry to God, David, like me (most days) hangs on every word of verses 5 and 6!  BUT, you know there is always a BUT!  But I will trust your unfailing love!  God’s love is unfailing, unchanging, unconditional and unending.  You are His beloved, prized possession and He has a wonderful purpose for your life, despite where you find yourself today.

When people look down upon us, God doesn’t see what they see. He knows the end from the beginning and He uses everything in our life to restore, redeem, make you whole, and put you back together again.  The struggle, difficulty, trial, setback, and loss will one day be a testimony.

I’m truly blessed and beyond grateful for my therapist, who knows so much about DID.  I am abundantly blessed with an incredible husband of 25 years, and my boys.  My husband constantly loves, supports and encourages each part of me, he calls them “his girls”…except for the two boys. 🙂  I have wonderful friends, who have walked along side me and my family.  Love you all!

Sleepless nights & Emotional Hangovers

Tuesday was my first day back to therapy after a 2 week, Christmas break.  Things on the “inside” seemed to grow increasingly worse, and I wanted to “be done” with all of it!  Not show up for work, bible study, or therapy on Tuesday.  What was the point, too much, too many emotions, too many tears, too much pain, too much everything…

I managed to get up and run with my friend, which always, always helps get me somewhat focused.  Somedays, I just want to keep running and never stop.  Running for me, is a way of escape, getting my mind refocused, and even though I sleep 3-4hrs a night, it helps me physically.

After my run, and shower, I headed out for BSF and praying that God would show me something.  I realize He is always with me, never leaving me “out there hanging”, but on days like yesterday, I needed something.  He is faithful, and gave me comfort in another person’s answer to a question, “God intensely loves me, He is personal and intimate in how He cares for me.”  Wow!  Just what I needed to hear.  God is so Good!

From there I headed off to therapy, which I knew was going to be difficult, for two reasons:

  1. It had been 2 weeks since my last session, and we left things undone with one of my teenage parts.
  2. She did NOT want to share her trauma.

I was switched from the start of the session, until end, two hours later.  I hate when that happens, because I don’t get to say the things I’d like, but mostly, because I was blocked from hearing the conversation.  My teenage part, who is out-going, fun, aggressive, and an enigma at times, hates being trapped in any kind of pain-mentally, emotionally, or physically. She will do anything to numb those feelings.  Which is why, for the past 2 weeks, her behaviors have escalated:  cutting, binging and purging, drinking, prescription drug use, and thoughts of suicide.

She shared some extremely hard memories with my therapist, and at one point tried to leave the room.  She was brave and courageous!  She was able to trust D (therapist), and share her abuse,  or as much as she could handle for a session.  My therapist called later that evening to check on me, and see how I was doing. She had suggested I go home and sleep, instead of going to work.  We usually have a plan in place when there are difficult sessions, and yesterday, the plan actually worked!

I had decided to sit in the lobby for a few minutes, allowing myself to somehow move forward from something I knew nothing of, but felt so sad and heavy inside.  The tears began to roll down my cheeks, on after another, until they seemed to have no end.  This is when I leave, because the idea that someone would see me this way, is not acceptable.  When I felt steady enough, I stood up, walked slowly toward the door, and out to my car. I knew I was going to require help getting home, I called my employer, who is a therapist as well, and she talked me all the way home.  She was a true blessing!

When I arrived, I took a scalding hot shower (which was odd for me), put my PJs on and got into bed at 4:30pm.  I didn’t get out until my husband arrived home at 6:30pm.  Not sure how much I slept, spent lots of time staring at the wall and crying.  But what was so terrible?  I can only speculate, and you know what they say about speculating…..Don’t do it!

So today, I am exhausted from all the emotions, the tears, the headache from crying and 1 hour of sleep.  Selfishly, I want my therapist to tell me what happened, but I know she cannot betray trust.  I’m trying to block it out, but like waves crashing against the rocks, it seems to never end.  My therapist, husband, friends, and myself are all praying and asking God for peace and comfort in the waiting, for me and my teenage part to know she is loved and cared about too.

We go back Friday for our long (3hr) session.  I hope I can make it until then!