Tag Archives: bible

An “ah, ha” moment

Sunday’s, oh how they sneak up on me and then- BAM! I’m an emotional mess. Well, this Sunday was no different, but it sort of was, at the same time.  I didn’t sleep well, no surprise, but I also had another headache.  When I got up to take my migraine meds, I heard this voice from inside say, “Please, don’t take that medicine!  I promise, it’s not a migraine.”  

That felt so weird, since this part of me rarely communicates with me, but it was loud and clear that morning.  I took some Excedrin, decided to lay back down and let it run it’s course.  A few minutes later, I’m feeling this odd sensation to get up and work on my BSF lesson.  At this point, I realize that Kat (17) is communicating with me, and I want to acknowledge her.  We head out to the kitchen, get some coffee, slice up a grapefruit, I prayed out loud, we begin to read scripture and answer questions.

As I am reading verses I’ve read before and am familiar with, I notice I’m reading out loud and asking myself questions.  It feels like when I was 21, and a new Christian.  I had so many questions about the bible.  Was this stuff really true?  Is it really this easy?  Does God really forgive ALL my sins, for real??

All this was familiar and I knew she was asking me these questions.  This process of healing, finding freedom, and ongoing integration with my Dissociative Identity Disorder, has always been my goal.  What I wasn’t planning on was this journey of making sure the parts of me knew Jesus.  Not to simply learn about Him, but to experience the relationship, love, forgiveness, and salvation He offers.  I know some of you are thinking, “Man, this chick is messed up!”  Maybe so, but I want to make sure, when the time is right, that all the precious parts of me know and believe in Jesus.  I have no better gift to share with them, other than letting each one share their stories, be believed, and help them through their individual trauma and abuse.  Jesus doesn’t just love me-Host.  He loves every part of me.  And He wants us to be healed!!

I know some may have another meaning for these particular verses in 1 Corinthians, but for me, it speaks not only about the church body, but my personal body too.

1-Corinthians-14-12-also1 Corinthians 12:14-26 (NLT)

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part!  Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I am grateful to be involved in my healing, taking the steps to trust God, my therapist, and myself.  It isn’t easy, most days, I want to quit.  I hate feeling this way, it hurts too badly, and I want things (people) I can never have.  God knows my suffering, He will not allow more than I can take-without Him!

 

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“United as One”

 

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Another day, another migraine

Therapy Tuesday went something like this….

  • Run at 5:30am, it’s 22 degrees, I’m with my friend, in the dark, fighting a slight headache, and pushing her to go 5.5 miles.
  • 8:30am-headed out for BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) where we are studying the book of Revelation.  So much stuff, so deep, so much imagery, so much interpretation, so, so much…learning so much too!
  • Somewhere between point #2 and #3, I switched. My teenage part was triggered and now sitting there listening to the speaker share a personal story about being a rebellious teenager and talking to her Christian parents.  I guess she was feeling uneasy about the entire content.
  • I “came back” for the last point- #3, only to find myself with an uneasy, was anyone watching me, could they tell, what just happened, kinda feeling.  Switching in public is the worst, I tell ya!  What’s even worser (I made that word up) is switching while in a church full of women (respectfully older than me) while learning about the bible!
  • On my drive home, I’m struggling to stay present.  I want to smoke, but I hate to smoke!  I want to cut, but I don’t cut.  I want to drink, but I’m driving.  Are you following the madness of it all?? I want to numb…
  • 2hours until therapy, I can make it.  But for what?  I am not sure what really happened.  I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.
  • Therapy starts at 1:30 and ends at 3:00….OMG it’s 3:00, I’m standing in the middle of my therapist’s office, coat on, migraine pounding, and I feel completely dissociated.
  • Do I go home, go to work (where I’m supposed to go), head to the bathroom to vomit because of the migraine, lay down on the floor because I can barely move or sit in the lobby until it “magically” goes away??
  • I decide to sit in the lobby and wait for it to pass, but I don’t make it there (prob 10 steps) because I have to throw up.  I go back to the chairs in the lobby and, wait, wait, wait and then decide to head to my car….
  • Back to the bathroom to vomit again, then back to the chairs, then up to leave, back to the bathroom, back to the chairs….damn!  I’m making my head spin just typing this!
  • Apparently I’m there doing this for a whole hour, because she (therapist) comes out to get another client, and I’m still there!  She calls my “support team” so someone can take me home.
  • I just need to take my migraine pill, oh, but I left my purse in the car and that is where I keep the pills.  NICE!
  • My friend comes, because my husband can’t get there, and she drags me to her truck, rolls me in the backseat, I curl up in a ball, and try and hold it in until I get home.
  • What the hell happened today?  What took place between BSF and therapy?  What was said in therapy?  Why am I having a migraine again? WHHHHYYYYY?
  • After I take my “cocktail” of migraine meds, I feel numb, kind of paralyzed, awake- but not really.  I hate and love the feeling, all at the same time.

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