Tag Archives: betrayal

Sliding down slowly

Tonight I have felt this overwhelming emotion that vacillates from anger to hurt (sadness), I hate feeling like this and would like it to end.  Since my Friday session, the feelings have amplified to a level I’m not comfortable sustaining.  My insides feel like they are on fire, rage at the peak of the feelings and then back to this sadness.

The things I’ve put together, things that have piled one on top of another until it hurts to breathe, seem really stupid.  I wonder if it’s because it all feels so familiar, this feeling of betrayal, and being lied to about things.  In the past, I would want a part of me to take this anger and run with it, do what needs to be done.  Only because when I try to feel it, it gets messy and the sadness wells up within me.

When you trust people (which is extremely difficult), you think they won’t ever hurt you, whether it be on purpose, or they’re completely unaware they hurt you.  The latter of the two is what has happened in my case.  Good people, who care about me, have hurt me without knowing.  Although I realize it is inevitable, people hurt people…that is life.  It would be ludicrous to think otherwise!  Now what??

What does a person do with this?  Do I tell them, even if it seems completely absurd, and I know it wasn’t intentional? Why put myself through the painful emotions of saying it out loud?  Yes, they are my feelings, I own them, I feel them (damn it), so maybe I’m justified in feeling them??  They don’t feel good, on the contrary, they feel wrong, bad, and unworthy of having to care about them.

However, here is the problem with shutting down, isolating, numbing, and blah, blah, blah. In my limited, restricted circle of trusted people, this affects 2 of the 5.  One being my therapist, and the other my closest, dearest friend. And if I were a betting individual, which I am not, I would bet the farm they have no idea…and therein lies the problem.

My current “thinking” is not go to bible study tomorrow (isolate), cancel my therapy session (what’s the point), and withdraw from my circle of support (protection).  Makes sense in my mind, and yet it makes zero sense.

How did I end up here?  Where did this all go awry? I want to go to bed and wake up normal, no DID, no PTSD, no Mental Illness, no Depression, nothing!  Where did the person go who used to be strong, adequate, empowered, driven, successful, with things in order?  I want that girl back!  Where are you…..

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Being present, ugh!

Learning to ‘be present’ when it is easier to default to your dissociation, sometimes sucks!  When I began to own my own anger and frustration, it felt very strange, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions.  It was effortless to let my part take the anger, while I dissociated. When it was felt by me, I usually found something to “DO”, because I could fix, clean, or sweep something into perfection.  Then I wouldn’t have to feel. Now that I’m making progress in those areas, it still feels wrong or bad to have anger.

When anger arises, being present in it makes me feel bad, then guilty because I’m angry or shameful, or that maybe this whole thing is my fault.  I am ultimately responsible for what happens, right??  Well those were lies I told myself, and I need to sit and be present with these feelings.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, right?  Well, in my last post I shared that I wasn’t present for the session, and the information I received seemed inaccurate for the time I was there.  My suspicions were correct. I was having some agitation yesterday and couldn’t figure it out.  I was supposed to go the church this morning, where I used to work.  They were celebrating being in a new building, and I thought I could go back.  I haven’t been able to since I left, but I wanted to support them.  As the day went on, I become more and more irritated.

I sent a text to my T and asked if this seemed odd or what I should do.  She thought it could be my teenager, and I should ask her if she had a problem with going.  We have had these issues before, and I would tell the particular part to stay in there room.  They would not have to go or be apart of something they didn’t feel comfortable with.  My T kept wanting me to talk to her, but of course she wouldn’t engage with me.  Anyway, we sent some texts back and forth, and finally she responded with this:  “Ok. She still has things to share with you when she’s ready.”  At first I didn’t really get it, but then I read it again.  My response back was, “Oh, you know?” She texted back, “Yes.”

My immediate response was, “What the heck, really?” why wouldn’t she tell me?  Why didn’t my teenager tell me?  Then that feeling of betrayal set in quickly.  I’m the client, I should know what is happening with me, right?  Then all the confusion sets in- my teenager is a part of me, I am actually keeping a secret from myself, what is the reason for not telling me?  What is she hiding?

In the past, this kind of  thing would make me spiral quickly, I’d start that “stinkin’ thinkin'” cancel my next session, consider quitting therapy altogether, and letting my anger be projected onto my T.  I have learned more now and understand, that in order for my parts to open up and share their trauma and abuse, they need to trust my T.  They need to feel safe in talking to her, know that she cares and believes them, and that if they can’t share the things they have protected me from yet, she will help them.  I know my T has my best interest at heart, and that all this is a process. I may not always like it, but I trust her in helping them grow and trust me.

I feel anger, but it’s okay to be angry.  My anger is okay, I won’t feel this way forever. I want to know what is going on, but it doesn’t always work out when I say or when I want it too.  This is where I have to trust God’s timing, and pray that she will feel safe enough to tell me what is going on with her.  My T will help her and that makes me feel much better. We’ve been through this before, we made it, and we can do it again!