Tonight I have felt this overwhelming emotion that vacillates from anger to hurt (sadness), I hate feeling like this and would like it to end. Since my Friday session, the feelings have amplified to a level I’m not comfortable sustaining. My insides feel like they are on fire, rage at the peak of the feelings and then back to this sadness.
The things I’ve put together, things that have piled one on top of another until it hurts to breathe, seem really stupid. I wonder if it’s because it all feels so familiar, this feeling of betrayal, and being lied to about things. In the past, I would want a part of me to take this anger and run with it, do what needs to be done. Only because when I try to feel it, it gets messy and the sadness wells up within me.
When you trust people (which is extremely difficult), you think they won’t ever hurt you, whether it be on purpose, or they’re completely unaware they hurt you. The latter of the two is what has happened in my case. Good people, who care about me, have hurt me without knowing. Although I realize it is inevitable, people hurt people…that is life. It would be ludicrous to think otherwise! Now what??
What does a person do with this? Do I tell them, even if it seems completely absurd, and I know it wasn’t intentional? Why put myself through the painful emotions of saying it out loud? Yes, they are my feelings, I own them, I feel them (damn it), so maybe I’m justified in feeling them?? They don’t feel good, on the contrary, they feel wrong, bad, and unworthy of having to care about them.
However, here is the problem with shutting down, isolating, numbing, and blah, blah, blah. In my limited, restricted circle of trusted people, this affects 2 of the 5. One being my therapist, and the other my closest, dearest friend. And if I were a betting individual, which I am not, I would bet the farm they have no idea…and therein lies the problem.
My current “thinking” is not go to bible study tomorrow (isolate), cancel my therapy session (what’s the point), and withdraw from my circle of support (protection). Makes sense in my mind, and yet it makes zero sense.
How did I end up here? Where did this all go awry? I want to go to bed and wake up normal, no DID, no PTSD, no Mental Illness, no Depression, nothing! Where did the person go who used to be strong, adequate, empowered, driven, successful, with things in order? I want that girl back! Where are you…..