Tag Archives: anxiety

And Then it Happened, the Shocker

My therapy was moved an hour and a half later on Tuesday.  It was a last minute change, which in the past, would upset me to no end.  Now, it is easier because I know her personality type and since I know mine well, I can see things from her perspective. I also like to think I’ve grown and handle things better too. My learning about personality types has been a valuable tool in my life, relationships, and therapy. Finding something that helps us with transformation, as well as understanding and having compassion for others, benefits everyone.  This personality tool has been a huge blessing in understanding my parts’ personalities too.  Anyway, I could go on and on about that…..

My other teenager, who I’ll call B, came that day because this month is her hardest trauma from the past.  She, unlike my other teenage part, is athletic, strong, direct, no nonsense, leader, and the protector of the system.  She has endured horrible things on my behalf when I was engaged to a guy I met in college.  March was the month of the engagement, and also the intensity of sexual abuse.  It breaks my heart when I hear of the horrific events in my life, she protected me from. Blessed and saddened by it all.

This month is also when I experience some my worst pain (body memories).  The abuse was intense,  I had to have reconstructive surgery in 2003, to repair the rectal damage. This pain is my least favorite, for obvious reasons, and for B as well.  Up to now, she has shared all the abuse, so you can understand my shock and confusion, when it flared up again.  She hates to be vulnerable, doesn’t want to appear weak, and only says the bare minimum, unless you ask specifically.  It is frustrating at times, but because I know her personality type, I get it. She does not trust well or many people. My T and her have an incredible relationship; they respect each other a great deal. My T also requests her help, at times, to get the inside system running smoothly when it gets out of hand.

As B was sharing some life events, that were all new to me, she and I began to experience horrible pain.  She had told about the day in 1989 when, my then, fiancé’s parents met mine for the first time, to go over wedding plans.  It was so enlightening for me to hear it, and nothing came as surprise.  How terrible for anyone to endure a day of people judging, manipulating, criticizing, and being down right mean.  As the pain became increasingly worse, and I was unsure of the source, or if she had more trauma to share. Suddenly, I became unaware of anything else from that point…

The next thing I knew, I was outside, down the sidewalk from my T office, and sitting on the curb. I got up, dazed, a bit confused, and headed to my car.  No keys, no phone, no purse, not sure of the time, no purse, what the *****.  Now, I’m faced with having to walk back into the office, hoping she isn’t in session, and locating my purse, keys, and phone.  Thankfully, I had 20 minutes left in my session, so I walked back in and hoped she could explain what happened.

Apparently when the pain intensified, B, who we knew had a split part, male, named Scott, abruptly came out. He put an end to the discussion, stating He no longer wanted B to suffer through this crap (he used lots of bad words). He paced around her office, was angry, unwilling to listen to my T, and wanted nothing to do with saying what was really going on.  My T is a smart lady, she knew he was hiding something, called him out on it, and said he was afraid.  All of that was true, however, he wasn’t going to budge…so he walked out!  That is why I was outside.

All along, we have thought he simply came in, like a knight in shining armor and saved her from anymore abuse. We didn’t think he had part of the trauma too.  You can imagine my shock in hearing he did, indeed, have trauma; he is a guy, and the abuse was in an extremely bad place. It was too much for me, and I grabbed my things, paid my money, and headed to the door.  As I reached for the doorknob, I turned around,  asked my T, “Are we going to be okay?”  she smiled, that familiar, compassionate smile and responded, “Yes, you are all going to be okay.” 

The rest of the day, and the following were filled with anxiety and concern as to what needed to happen next.  I knew that B and Scott had to figure out the next steps. Ultimately, he must share, like every part has done, to experience freedom and stop the pain from happening to him, B and myself.  Lots of emails between my T and B took place that next day, which led to an idea and potential solution.

Lots of prayers, and trusting God for the outcome, were at the forefront of my mind.  I am a “fix it” kind of person, so this was difficult for me to let my parts work out the details of what would take place during the Thursday session.  I’m glad that God is in control, although sometimes I think I am, His ways are ALWAYS best and PERFECT!

*My next post will have what took place Thursday….I’m a few days behind.

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Whew, long sessions wear me out!

Friday therapy is my long one, and today I was literally “gone” for 2hrs and 45min.  My teenager, who has been gone, did all the talking.  There was 15min. left when I “came back” to present.  It is wearisome work. I was exhausted, had one of those emotional headaches, and wanted to sleep. I heard about half of what was said, I think.  The information I did get, I’m pretty sure was not over 2 hrs. worth, hmmm….”Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!”

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Anyway, all humor aside, it was good and very productive.  She is my part that engages in multiple addictive/harmful behaviors.  She has made me aware of her alcohol and cigs stash, showed me what she uses to cut, and we talked about the bulimia.  I can’t imagine trying to stop all that at once, so it will require patience and grace, lots of grace.  I believe in her 100%, she is a fighter, and we are going to do it together.

My therapist (D) spent a significant amount of time with her on the topic support. Learning to depend on others, letting her people know when she is struggling, communicating with me, journaling, and that she could always text D, if needed.  It isn’t different than any other ‘outside person’, we all need accountability and support.  We need love not judgment, care not criticism, encouragement not put-downs.

My husband has been a strong support for me and has been there for “his girls”, as he calls them.  He can hug and rock them when they need, where I can’t wrap my arms around myself, like I want to be held.  I am truly blessed by his unconditional love for all of us!

Looking forward to progress, even if it is slow, or stalled at times.  One day at a time; and we can always hit “Restart” at any moment.

T I R E D

tumblr_nun9tnZc6j1r1ekaro1_500Last night I slept for 1 hour!  I am exhausted, I feel hollow inside, and very tearful.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to curl up in a blanket and not come out.

Yesterday started with a migraine that I fought all day with meds….not much relief.  I didn’t eat all day, so that me jittery and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I seemed vaguely present to my family, tried to eat a little, but I only wanted to lay down and slip away.  Let another part of me be out instead.

When I decided to get ready for bed, my nose started bleeding out of nowhere, so I washed my face, took my anxiety pill and got into bed.

As I laid there, I said to myself, “I’m going to sleep all night, maybe even get 4-5 hours.”  I feel my body relax, my mind slowing down, and I’m slowly falling asleep…and then BAM!  I get this horrible vision of being sexually abused, and I’m wide awake.  I try to block it, think of something else, pray, anything, but it keeps coming back.

After an hour of so, I find myself over the toilet, throwing up, blood streaming out my nose, and crying.  However, I’m strangely aware that I am not the one doing do it, it’s like I’m hovering over the top.  I can’t make it stop!  It’s like I’m pounding on a glass window for anyone to hear me, “Make it stop!” I go back to bed and just lay there…awake.

1443478247I put on my running clothes, it’s 5:30am, my friend arrives and we run.  I don’t want to stop, I feel in control, I don’t even know how I have any strength- to run.  It helps me, somehow, and for that hour, I tell myself, “I can do this!” When I return, I’m exhausted, dizzy, nauseated, and I want to sleep.  So, I get in the shower, get dressed and head to work.

I don’t feel safe right now.  I can’t fix how I’m feeling or the part of me who is struggling so much on the inside.  It feels out of control.

 

 

Inner dialogue

self talkAs all of us with DID know, we have constant inner dialogue happening-whether we are aware or not, whether we accept it or not, and whether we desire it or not!  Sometimes we can shut it out, and other times it’s all we hear.  It is a component of who we are and how we function.  In the beginning we think everyone has this kind of dialogue happening too. And it’s always shocking when we find out, oh, it’s just us!

This past week has been some of the hardest, no, it has been the single, most difficult work, I have attempted. Since beginning my therapy 3 years ago, the last 2 years being intensive, I can honestly say, no one could have prepared me for what I was about to go through.  Like those of us with DID, PTSD, OCD, eating disorders, traumas, abuse, etc…. there is no, one “fix all” to use.

Learning about sexual abuse was hard, learning about it happening to me, even harder, then learning that one of the times involved my dad…unbearable.  I’m still not doing well with this new information.  I’m trying to care for the part of me that endured it, but at the same time, realizing it was me, and having to deal with that as well- it’s been excruciating.  I feel like I’m failing at both ends.  I feel shame, disgust, dirty, bad, defective, sad, very sad, hurt, angry…..you get the idea.  When will it stop?  Will I ever be okay?  Am I even getting better?  I want to run away, hide, never get out of bed, isolate, numb…..Ahhhhhhhh

Then today, I was reminded of this psalm that was given to me before I left my job and began the intense work 2 years ago.

Psalm 13~ A psalm of David.

Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

 

David is pleading with God, asking the question I have asked God so many, thousands, of times- HOW LONG?  But even in the depth of his cry to God, David, like me (most days) hangs on every word of verses 5 and 6!  BUT, you know there is always a BUT!  But I will trust your unfailing love!  God’s love is unfailing, unchanging, unconditional and unending.  You are His beloved, prized possession and He has a wonderful purpose for your life, despite where you find yourself today.

When people look down upon us, God doesn’t see what they see. He knows the end from the beginning and He uses everything in our life to restore, redeem, make you whole, and put you back together again.  The struggle, difficulty, trial, setback, and loss will one day be a testimony.

I’m truly blessed and beyond grateful for my therapist, who knows so much about DID.  I am abundantly blessed with an incredible husband of 25 years, and my boys.  My husband constantly loves, supports and encourages each part of me, he calls them “his girls”…except for the two boys. 🙂  I have wonderful friends, who have walked along side me and my family.  Love you all!

Random thoughts for today

Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, felt sick, battling the effects of throwing up again.  Why do these things keep happening?
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I feel angry inside, but not sure why.  I spent most of the day trying to put Christmas decorations up.  I finally reached that place where I knew I had to jump right in and begin.  However, the moment I tried, I was constantly being distracted by all sorts of things.  Here is what went on after I told my  husband I was ready…

  • went and colored my hair
  • decided sweep the leaves outside
  • then in the garage
  • started more laundry
  • opened Christmas containers and closed them over and over
  • walked around in circles from room to room
  • repaired odd things that were broken-not important

So, you see, my attempts where met by unnecessary distractions.  Finally, many, many hours later-we have decorations. I’m not sure how I even feel about it yet.  I didn’t put up things that seemed to trigger uneasy emotions- and there were several of them!  My husband was very kind and asked before he put things up.  He is terrific and I love him bunches!  He puts up with so very much from me…grateful.

Most of the night, I seemed to be in a fog. At times it wasn’t so bad, and other times I wanted to get out of here.  More than once, I wanted to throw things, smash them, watch them shatter into pieces. It reminded me of my childhood, abuse, and how my family covers it all up!  Always having to look good on the outside, so no one really sees what is raging inside. I am sure that was my teenage part.  She was very angry.  I felt my biggest battle happened internally with her.  It went something like this:

B:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Because it’s important.

B:  To who?

Me:  To all of us, but the little girls need a happy Christmas this year.

B:  I don’t need it.

Me:  Maybe you do.

B:  I don’t think so, it is stupid.

Me:  Why? 

B: Doesn’t make things go away…nothing will change.

Me:  Like what?

B:  Things I don’t want to think about.  Anyway, you let them all control you again- and they won.

Me:  Who won?  I wasn’t controlled.

B:  Bullshit! You let your husband talk you into it, and the counselor.  You never stand up for yourself!

Me: I think they were trying to be helpful.  I was unsure.

B:  Exactly!  You are never sure.

Me:  I am sorry you are upset.  What can I do to help you?

B:  Nothing!  You’ve done enough…

Ugh! That is how my conversation with her went.  No real answers, strong statements, because she is very guarded.  I feel bad because I want everyone to enjoy a new start at Christmas.  Although, I often wonder if she is right about listening to others.  I will say, I wanted my therapist to be on my side when I talked about not wanting to participate in Christmas.  Maybe it was too extreme. But I will admit to feeling a bit “put off” that she didn’t say, “Don’t do it, if you don’t want too.”  Or maybe it’s what I wanted to hear….I hate being indecisive and not knowing!

There seems to be several things attached to Christmas.  I feel uneasy, nervous, somewhat afraid, and unsettled all at the same time.  Maybe it’s pressure to make it different, because what if it isn’t!  I do want to enjoy it, but I guess I don’t know how.  I feel vulnerable inside.  It will be important for me to communicate with those in my “circle” of support.  Of course, there’s that little issue of Holidays=Vacation.

In the past, my therapist has let me know, on my last visit, prior to her vacation, that she was taking time off.  I realize she did this so that I wouldn’t dwell on it weeks ahead of time, or get my self worked up and afraid.  Maybe it’s a compliment to my progress that I found out 3 weeks ago what days she would be gone.  I was proud of myself for the progress, and glad she told me…..but now it seems overwhelming!  Of course, it makes sense that everyone takes vacation, and especially between Christmas and New Year’s.  But right now, it feels scary that I won’t be able to see here, talk through the struggles, and make sense of the things I may be feeling. Now, if there is anyone deserving of vacation, it is her!  I am not saying that at all! I would take a year off, if I had to me as a client.  She is an incredible therapist, and I am truly blessed to have her.

I wouldn’t want to admit to any of that, because I don’t want to seem “needy” or so “messed up” that I can’t survive!  Sometimes I find it very difficult to actually say what I really need.  Is it because I don’t know? Or that I put too much on others.  Either way, it’s a daily struggle.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for today…

 

 

 

It’s Christmas time, oh my!

Didn’t get much sleep last night, not quit sure why this continues to happen.  Oh, I am aware that this is a normal happening of my DID, but it does get a bit frustrating. I know it is when most of my parts are active, but lately they seem quiet- and I suppose that could be a cause for concern too.

I believe, however, the reason is Christmas.  I struggle during  the holiday times, as I am sure most of you do as well.  This is my year of firsts….my first year to have zero contact with my parents.  Because they play a major role in my childhood abuse, at some point I knew I needed to find separation.

Just like my post yesterday; even though I know it’s unhealthy, I want my mom.  The same is true at the holidays, in that it’s Christmas, and aren’t we supposed to be with family, celebrating, and doing traditional things??  It feels like a push-pull feeling inside:  I want to-it’s not a good idea, maybe just this once-it would be bad for me and my parts, this time is could be different-tried that already…

My therapist and I discussed making Christmas different this year.  We had a good plan, even though I wanted her to encourage me not to participate in decorating, cookie baking, shopping, etc.  How does that happen? Just when I think she is letting me off the hook-bam!  Oh, I am sure it will be for the best.  It is always kind of funny when she blindsides me though. Ha!

Yesterday, I sat around thinking of asking my husband to collect the items from the attic, but I couldn’t.  Today as I sit here, it’s raining outside, cold, nothing to do, and wouldn’t this be the perfect day for decorating and making iced, cut-out, sugar cookies??  Well, yes it would!  But…I am fighting inside to make it happen.

Not sure if there are parts of me that do not want to celebrate this time of year.  As a I type this, I think that could be a dumb question- I won’t mention any names. I know the little ones are excited, because I took them shopping yesterday. My focus was completely messed up, and I felt like the dog from the movie “UP”- squirrel!  Every little light, sound, twinkle, toy, gift, and even the crowds, made for a day of chaos. I think I was gone for 4 hours, not sure what all happened, but we did get some things.

So, the question is why am I decorating?  My boys are 20 and 22, pretty sure they don’t care.  I know I don’t, but my husband wants to do something.  The little ones on the inside want to have Christmas, but if I’m undone, what good is it going to be?  I start to feel absolutely inadequate when it comes to decorating.  I don’t know where to put things, because I always had my critical, controlling and judgmental mom to help.  This is probably why, since I was 12 yrs. old, I drink on Christmas Eve-sometimes the entire bottle of wine!  This is also when my bulimia gets revved back up into full gear.

I also struggle with knowing why we celebrate this time of year, why it gets so out of control and that we really do miss the real reason.  It really is simply this:  Because of God’s great love for us, He gave us the greatest gift of all, when He sent His Son to this earth. Why?  That one day, He would die for us, to take all our sins away and give us yet another gift-salvation-if we believed in Him! That is the Good News of great JOY!

….and I’m sure that dirty stable, where Jesus was born, was not decked out in colored, blinking lights, greenery, pretty wrapped gifts, carols being sung by a fire, families arguing and fighting,  and crowds of angry people trying to get the latest deals!  Those large angry crowds came later….but that’s another story!

I understand that God gave something extremely precious to us all, and that we would model that during this time.  But we take it all too far.  We buy gifts for people we shouldn’t, spend more money than we have, get things we don’t need, and miss the simplicity of it all.

I want to buy 7 gifts, and they are for the people in my life that I care deeply for and wouldn’t be here without them.  I’m not spending much, but the message behind the gift is simple….thank you for giving to me!  I couldn’t EVER  pay them back, with money or things, for what they have given to me.  My prayer would be that God would bless their lives, exceedingly, abundantly, more than they could dare, ask, or ever imagine!  If I could wrap that up, I would!

Will I overcome the feelings of making my home look like Christmas?  I don’t know.  It’s not like talking about it again will make it better.  Not like the Christmas police will come and write me up a ticket. So, we’ll just have to wait and see…

God, give me the strength and courage to follow You today.  Guide my thoughts and actions, and keep my focus on You!  I trust You will show me what to do, even in the midst of my chaos.  Thank you for loving me so much, that I matter to You, and whatever I choose- I’ll still be good.

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Blessings!

 

It’s so hard some days.

Wednesday was a complete and utter emotional disaster.  I was only able to sleep 2 hours the night before, from 5am to 7am.  My friends all wonder how it is I can function on such little sleep.  You know run, work, talk, walk-all the basic life functions.  The short answer is, I manage- “I’m fine”, the long answer is, I am deteriorating on the inside.

I spent most of the day crying from the time I got out of the shower, to the drive to work and at work.  One of the benefits for me is working for two therapists…they get me!  I tried to text my therapist for a last minute appointment, but she never got the message.  I hate when I get to the place where I need to see her.

Why can’t I sleep, why do I cry so much?  These are my questions on a regular basis.  However, I am being flooded by strong emotions of simply wanting my mom!  REALLY?  The woman who couldn’t love me without conditions, emotionally detached, couldn’t nurture me…why would I cry over that?  But at the end of the day, she is who I want to call and say, “I’ve had a hard day.”  But I also know if I did that, it would be followed by put-downs, criticism, judgment, and false compassion.  And, yet this is what I long for…Geesh!

This is why I end up in my closet sobbing about nothing for hours.  There is no answer.  No one can fill that void.  And I AM PISSED OFF that I even want that!  Arrrgh  This cycle is driving me crazy.

So after 3 hours of sleep last night, I feel the same waves moving in slowly. The tears hanging on the edge, waiting for the look, song, smell, thought, or whatever it will be, before they drop off the edge into another day of emotional chaos.

These are the days when I wish I owned a convertible, had a friend named Thelma, and we were headed off the cliff…

THELMA AND LOUISE

Sorry for the downer entry this morning.  Keeping it real!

Just another Tuesday or was it?

Today started out like most, up at 5:00 (officially), drop by 7-Eleven for a 20 oz., hot coffee with french vanilla creamer, drive to my destination, run 5 miles in the dark, disclose the night activities of my parts, if any, listen to my friend, and solve all the problems necessary, prior to returning. Ha!  If it were only that easy.

I do love to run, it helps me emotionally, and gets me motivated for the upcoming day.  Tuesday is bible study day, and we are studying Revelation. It has never been a desire for me study this book, but I am learning a plethora of information.  And I’m really liking it, while learning a plethora (my new word for today). It is overwhelming, at times, to fathom how much Satan wants to kill, steal, and destroy us.  However, as a believer, I am on God’s team, and He wins in the end!  And that, is GREAT NEWS!

After that I head to therapy, which has been fairly difficult on Tuesday’s.  I have ended up sleeping in my car in the parking lot, drinking in the park, smoking outside on the steps, to simply being MIA (missing in action). Maybe I should call it MID (missing in dissociation).   It is a shorter session, and there is always much to discuss after the weekend.

We started the session talking about Christmas…this is a difficult time for me, and maybe most of us with DID.  For the past two years I haven’t been able to decorate my home, even forgoing a tree.  One year, my friend and her daughter came to help, but it was undoing for me.  We are also expecting my husband’s family after Christmas, I am already anxious about their arrival.  This past year, we have converted our spare bedroom into a play, drawing, art, room for the insiders.  They absolutely love to go in there and create, play, watch movies, and sing.  Cindy, my artist, shares her space well, but dislikes when her things are out of place.

We aren’t sure it’s a good idea to clean it out for guests….maybe tinspirational-quotes-4hat is me being selfish or simply taking care of my parts and what is important to them.  They feel safe in our home, I don’t want to send the message that they have to go into hiding or shut them down.   Besides, I fear the in-laws will encounter the parts of me and not know what to do or say.  My husband and boys are comfortable, and go with it, when that happens.  Not sure the in-laws will be able to handle that. Either way, my sweet, loving husband took care of the arrangements- no one is staying with us!

Until next time…blessings to all!

Too much NOISE!

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for one of my little’s, Kathleen, and me. Kathleen is 7, and has recently shared her abuse story with our therapist.  It took her several weeks, since she was so scared.  Her fear of sharing was mainly due to people in our life who tried to help, but ended up hurting us.  One woman, who had good intentions, loved God, wanted to teach us about Him, pray for us, and help me through my bulimia, but ended up getting emotionally attached.  Which hurt Kathleen badly.

Kathleen viewed our therapist, as possibly another person who “wanted to help”, talk to her about God and His love for her, and then hurt her as well.  Makes total sense, but that is not what our therapist was/is doing, and that is why it took so long for her to trust her.

After several visits, earning our therapist’s trust, feeling more safe, and moving toward freedom from the past, I am confident that God is working miracles in her life too.  In her last conversation during a therapy session, she asked if she could have a doll.  Of course, she can, right??

She shared she had begged her mom and dad for a certain doll, and after a long battle, they finally bought her one.  The problem was, our mom felt as though it could be dangerous (long story), so she got rid of it.  What?  I cannot imagine what that was like.  And I can’t, because I have little memory of having the doll.  However, for Kathleen, it was yet another painful experience she had to go through.

There are all kinds of memories wrapped up, in and around having this doll.  I won’t bore you with all the details, but it has caused several of us to have a great deal of anxiety.  So much so, that I haven’t been able to go get her one.

The thing about having DID, is the constant head noise and chaos. And at times, seems overwhelming.  Most of the chatter in my head is, “Why haven’t you gotten her a doll?”,  “Please go buy her a doll.” and that is understandable.  The answer, I really don’t know.  It’s as though something/someone doesn’t want me to get the doll.

Tomorrow is the day I am supposed to get her the doll….I almost can’t breathe typing this.  I can swear I hear my dad’s voice cussing at me, and telling me I can’t have a doll.  I’ve been hearing his critical, “I’m not good enough”, berating voice for awhile now, but I don’t know what to make of it.  He lives in another state, I don’t talk to him, and yet, on a daily basis, I hear him say horrible things to me.  It’s like it was when I was growing up!!  Does anyone understand what I’m talking about????

I keep thinking it’s going to go away and I’ll stop hearing it! At times, I think he is literally a part of me, but how can that be?? Maybe it will go away…

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Blessings!