Tag Archives: anxiety

Emotional

Ha! What a dumb title for a blog post about a girl with DID! So original, right? Is that the best choice of verbiage? Probs not, but it’s all I can provide at this given time. It’s all I got peeps! Anything else I say may ensue nonstop tears-that ugly cry!giphy

Why so emotional you ask? Good question. I have been sleeping for the past month, due to a new medication. Yay! But wait… last Sunday that all came to a complete halt; now I’m back to 2-4 hours and it sucks. Doing more memory work involving my husband, greeeaaat! * *insert sarcasm. The last conversation we had about the memories with him, didn’t go so well. Although it was my fault, due to the timing and transition of the conversation.

My last couple posts have been weighing heavily on my mind, which led to a difficult conversation with my friend. It went well, for the most part, but those types of “talks” leave me emotionally drained. I always feel as though I’ve blown things out of proportion and it doesn’t help that I don’t always have memories to fall back on for information. Seems as though it’s easy for me to take responsibility for the wrong things that happen, mistakes that are made, etc.

Then there’s the ol’, I canceled my therapy sessions for the week piece. Now why would I do that? Well, it’s because I’ve had so many weekly sessions the past 2 months, live on a small budget, and I’ve blown that budget right outta the water! Yep, pretty sad when you have to ask your husband for $20 bucks. Now don’t get all undone; we don’t have a “his and hers” kinda marriage.giphy3

When I resigned from my full time, great paying, position, I took a part-time job and needed to know exactly what I would be responsible for “budget wise”. It works for me/us to know what I have to pay each month. It isn’t much, actually 4 things, but when you add sessions on each week, you get off track fast! Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, grateful for everyday I can get to work and make a difference, and they treat me so incredibly well.

Today I just seem to cry for no apparent reason and out of nowhere. I sent a text to my therapist saying I wouldn’t be in this week and because I’ve seen her for almost 5 years, I guess she has the right to say, “Tell me why?” And I hesitated for a moment, thinking, “Now what can I say for a reason, hmmm.” Then I realized I’m kinda way past lying to my T, so I told her the truth. Ouch!

Why do those “damn therapist’s” make it so hard to cancel?? She offered solutions, but I declined. She called me and I cried, geesh, I’m such an emotional mess. I cried because I’m scared of not going in right now. I cried because I’m afraid I need to go, but can’t say what I need. I cried because, shit, I don’t want to cancel. Wow, it’s only Monday and I’m on the edge, an emotional mess, and I canceled my therapy because I don’t have the $$. Nice!

How do I get to this place so quickly?? My anxiety takes over and I start to berate myself for canceling in the first place. Pretty stupid reason to cancel? Maybe, but I fear not having enough to pay for things.

 

 

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Therapy Tuesday, Wednesday and…

It seems as though 3 sessions a week is becoming a norm in my life, ugh! Actually, the past couple weeks I have been there 4x a week, seriously?? giphyI know I’m on a fast track, but this need s to stop. For one, I can’t afford to keep going this often. Money is a huge stressor for me, since I resigned from my full time job in 2014.  The past 3-4 weeks has been difficult to manage my weekly budget. Taking time off right now would not be productive, yet I can’t keep using money I don’t have to go to therapy. The other part of this is my current, part-time job. The job is awesome, I have great bosses- who are exceptionally patient and understanding of my disorder and schedule. Although when I have difficult sessions, several times a week; I miss several hours of work on a weekly basis. Those two things combined, make for anxiety levels that get rather uncomfortable. There is no solution, that I know of, at this point. I have often thought about filling out paperwork for disability, but that seems wrong somehow…

When I resigned, I committed to therapy 2x a week, and my T is extremely generous with her time and rates. Honestly, I wouldn’t be this far along if that was not happening. I am truly grateful for her willingness to be flexible and generous. My prayers are always that God would bless her and her family abundantly more than she could ask or dare imagine. No doubt He sees her heart and how she is such a huge blessing to her clients. She always reminds us of what God is doing; for our good and His glory- He uses everything! Nothing is wasted, not one thing.

I guess I’m venting about things I can’t fix and that makes me frustrated. I know this isn’t going to last forever, but it feels like I’m drowning and getting deeper and further from the shore, so to speak. I don’t want to stop or slow down therapy when things are really working and going well. I tend to hit things hard and suffer that emotional hangovers later, but it works for me and my therapist. 🙂 I feel comforted that others, I read about, also suffer from shutting down after therapy. Or in my case unable to go back to work or even go the next day. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I think if I didn’t like my job or the people I work for, I would have been fired or quit long ago. Blessed they still want me there.

I feel exhausted emotionally, after two days of therapy in a row. But I should be used to this by now, right?? Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to discuss how my new medication is working; it is working great and I’m thankful to have it. Guess I’ll miss more work, but these things have to happen. Enough already! Geeshgiphy1

EMDR: “That Shit Really Works”

The title is in honor of my ‘damn therapist’ friend who I mentioned in my last post. The first time I saw the two therapist’s I work for (whom I call those “damn therapists) do EMDR, I was completely amazed.  My prior experience wasn’t so good, but as I sat behind the camera filming them for certification, it was jaw dropping watching the process unfold before me. Not that I didn’t think they were great at what they do, because they are incredibly gifted therapists. That’s why the name, ‘damn therapists’, is a term of endearment. I kinda lump my own therapist in there too because they are all so damn good and sometimes too good- if you know what I mean.  You can’t get away with anything with them. LOL

Anyway, back to my “experiment” today in therapy. I was very nervous, but felt completely safe. We met at my T office and my DTF (damn therapist friend) was there to start at 9AM. It absolutely helped to have my own T there and in a familiar place. My T has a pretty laid back personality, but can also take on a strong, aggressive stance when needed. I felt that strong personality when I walked in her office, and it felt comforting, not that I was in danger, but to know she had my back no matter what happened! And since we were both new at this, that was probably an appropriate stance for her to take.

My DTF went through how it would work, which I was prepared for in advance, and asked if we had any questions. I let them know my teenage part- B, was going to participate and she good okay to be there. No other parts were going to be involved, so I made sure they were all safe and tucked away in their rooms. 🙂

My DTF used the bilateral stimulation through directed lateral eye movements-using my eyes to track the therapist’s hand as it moves back and forth across my field of vision.  Initially, I had difficulty tracking…no surprise there! But after a couple of tries I began tracking her two fingers and quickly, very quickly things began to surface. giphyThis is the piece that made me nervous, because she wanted me to say whatever it was that came up- and did I mention, OUT LOUD! I couldn’t try to fix or change it before I spoke it out loud…oh the pain of not filtering! How was it suppose to come out just right? Oh, it’s not?? There’s no right or wrong answer? What have I gotten myself into here? But I pushed through, right or wrong, good or bad.

I established my negative cognition of, “I should not trust people” and my positive belief (which I struggled with) “I can discern that I can trust people”.  So all my sets had to do with the fact that I have trusted people who ultimately have hurt me in some way or another. Then my teenage part, B came and rocked my world with the information she processed out loud. You know that moment when you hear something so shocking that you are like, “What the f*** just happened? Did she just say what I think she said?”

Yeah, that is what happened. I’m listening as she is present, speaking and revealing this information that has everyone in the room reacting in different ways. I want to stop this process, and get out of there. I catch a glimpse of my DTF, who is trying desperately to not show her reaction, but I saw it and knew how she felt about it. UnknownThen I hear my T, who’s sitting to my left, do what I call the Junie B. Jones, “huffy breath”.…5x! I could hear her deep sighs as B was talking about something a trusted friend had done several years ago. All that information we heard, only confirmed my negative thinking that I should not trust people…they will hurt me!  And this hurt, badly!

I was ready to wrap up the EMDR session and end all of this emotion and processing. My DTF did a great job of repeating my positive belief and that there are people in my life who love, care and will be there for me! I was grateful, but it was hard to hear. As soon as my DTF ended the session, I got up and headed to the bathroom. The 3 of us talked briefly and then I was left with my T for the remaining 45 min. Not enough time to understand what we heard, but we both agreed to one thing…we may never have received this information from B if we didn’t choose to do EMDR. I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have shared this any other time. Perhaps this is why she agreed to this in the first place?? Maybe she wanted to do this, so she didn’t have to carry this around anymore. Either way, it was a good choice, even if I thought it was only going to be an experiment.

I headed out to my car, but I knew I needed to get more grounded. I was not in a good place, so I decided to go for a walk.  The tears began to roll down my face and I couldn’t stop thinking, “What is so wrong with me, that I am a magnet for crazy people who want to hurt me?” I walked for about 15-20 minutes before returning to my car. I noticed my T walking toward me, she must have seen my car still parked outside and came to check on me. I love that she cares enough to do the little things. We talked outside for about 30min. and she helped me get more insight as to what I need to do for myself. I thanked her for caring so much. She responded, “You don’t have to thank me. I hope you do know that I care that much. You make it easy. If you need anything, just let me know.”

Will I do EMDR again?  Probably….very likely. I had the same feelings afterwards like I do when I have been switched for a long period of time in session. I’ve had a headache all day, been physically and emotionally exhausted, cried several times, and been very angry as well. The difference is my parts are usually sharing memories from my past, it’s over and I don’t have any connection with my abusers. This new information today, affects present day relationships, and I am not sure what to do. Of course, it happens on a Friday and I won’t have another session until Tuesday. UGH!

New Day

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for my morning run.  My 4 hrs of sleep yesterday after the session and 4 more last night, made me feel energetic and rejuvenated. I easily forget what it is actually like to get sleep.  Running is easier too; it clears my head, and the conversation is always good and entertaining.giphy1

I’m excited about having some breathing room, so to speak. I don’t have a migraine, chest pains from anxiety, or body memory pain and it feels so exhilarating.  I’m learning to celebrate all the progress along the way…even sleep! It doesn’t take much, huh!

I have a better understanding of what I need to work on, even though it may not be pleasant, it will be healing for me. Steps forward, even small steps, are progress, healing, and healthy. Feeling blessed by how God never leaves me in those places of wilderness.  Somedays it feels like I’m never going to make it out, but it is in those times, I believe, He is the closest and most present.  Imagine wondering around in the wilderness, having no idea where you are going, but at the same time, trusting the One who will lead the way to freedom!

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, and God doesn’t want me to worry about it anyway.  He has my back!

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I Don’t Know How….or Not

My assignment, for this week off of therapy, is to write about how it makes ME feel to know/own the abuse from my dad.  I don’t know where to start or even how to begin writing out my feelings.  I have shared many times that, for me, anger is BAD and having emotions is NOT allowed. It’s a long standing, etched into my brain, default mode message I’ve always believed. Every time I attempt to get the journal out, instantaneously, the twinge of a migraine reminds me to put it all away. I don’t know how to do this or maybe…I really don’t want to do this!

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Even as I type this post, I feel the tears beginning to take shape from behind my eyes, my chest tightening as if someone presently took a seat there, and my throat feeling like it is being squeezed shut.  I despise the the way this makes me feel inside.  My parts have done this same type of work, they are brave, courageous, trusting, and incredibly strong; what is wrong with ME??

Logically, it makes me mad that it happened and it is normal to cry about such horrible things.  I would tell anyone going through similar events, these are necessary steps for healing.  The more you speak about it, out loud, the more freedom and healing you receive.  I know all those things, and yet, I simply cannot move forward. AHHHHHHH

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Obviously, I can still find a bit of humor along the way.  God is faithful and I know His mighty hand is on me, my family and our journey. He provides for us in every area of my life, so I cannot doubt that, especially right now.

As I prepare for this upcoming week of- “trying to journal”, having no therapy, pretending that “I’m good” without the therapy, experiencing panic/anxiety since Thursday, and wondering when the next migraine will arrive- I can’t loose sight that I’m going to be “okay” with it all. I know I’m not the only one who struggles like this, one day doing well, the next day feeling like my world is crashing around me, and white knuckling through, just to say, “I got this” or “I don’t need help”!!

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Monday and Tuesday Sessions

I went in for an added session on Monday morning.  I was struggling with migraines over the weekend, my new part, M had been texting my T while I was out cold on medication.  It’s always interesting to read communication between my parts and T.  She must have been thinking we couldn’t wait for the Tuesday session to get resolve.  I agreed, and we spent 2 hours on Monday trying to get M to explain why he was keeping me stuck in my trauma, and not wanting me to get well.

He struggled to speak; he described the panic feeling like someone sitting on his chest.  I often have that same feeling, so I was glad to know it was a real issue.  Sometimes I think the physical issues I experience are “just in my head”….not true though.  My T was asking me about my relationship with my brother, more in-depth than what we’ve done with him before. As I was sharing information, a major revelation came to me about my dad and brother.  I must have had an odd look on my face, because my T said, “What are you thinking right now?” My response was that she probably is thinking that for several years she’s listened to me talk about having a close relationship to my dad, but yet has heard me describe horrible things about him. Then when my 8yr old part, Wendy, shared what he had done to me, it was all to confirming of what she speculated and my worst fears!  So, hearing things about my brother, was starting to sound all to familiar-for both of us.

When M came to talk, he shared that my brother and I were very violent, and physically with each other.  He was 2 yrs. older, but I was a fighter.  He was the first born, first grandchild, and had an obvious handicap at birth.  My dad never connected with him, and since my dad was athletic, as a young man, his dreams vanished, when he saw my brother. How very sad!! My brother and I competed with each other, and since I played sports, and was good at them, I got the attention of my dad.  Even if it was negative, it was attention my brother needed as well. We would beat each other up, he mostly won the battles, and would sit on my chest or choke me until I called him “master”.

M told my therapist that I would never say it, that I kept fighting to get out from under him. So he said it, because he thought I would die from being sat on or choked. It made me sad to hear all of that, but he was convinced I needed to stay connected to the abusive words of my family, in order to survive.  He felt he needed to protect me from my T because getting well, was not an option.  We realized M was being negatively influenced by the bond with my family.  We needed to break that bond, but it was strong, and it had an intense hold on him.

I was so tired by the time I got up to leave. My T reassured me that we were getting somewhere, but it was going to take lots of prayer, preparation, and direction.  Later that evening she contacted me asking if I would like to come in (the next day) Tuesday at 9am. She asked that we both be in prayer for God’s leading and she would contact me in the morning to see how I felt.  I sleep 4 straight hours (which is good for me), ran 5 miles, prayed and listened to worship music the whole run, and when I walked in the door at 6:45am, she was texting me.  “Well, what is God saying to you about today?”  she asked. My response was, “I slept, ran 5 miles, am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, He gives me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow and blessing all mine. So, I’m ready for whatever He has….I think.” 

She must have had a similar feeling because her response back was, “Sounds good. Let’s meet at my office at 9am.”  This is what I love about my T, and why I believe my therapy has been guided by the Lord. God is in every aspect of my healing process and we both acknowledge that along the way. Before we began the session, she walked over, took my hand and asked if she could pray. This was not anything new for me, but today we were following God’s leading from the beginning.  When she finished praying, I felt a strong urge to pray for her, but at the same time, had a feeling of “I’m not worthy” or “my prayers can’t be heard; I’m too messed up”.  Those are all lies that satan wanted me to believe in that moment, but I was going to overcome.  I stopped her mid sentence, took ahold of her hand, and said it’s my turn.  When I finished, we were both wiping our eyes, but were confident in what we needed to do next.

We spent the first hour recapping and she began to discuss what my brother was like growing up, things he did, was involved in, friends he had, etc.  It was eye opening to me to recall the past, and realize that my brother had some spiritual influences that were NOT good, actually a bit scary. Those influences needed to be broken off of me through M.  The next hour was a blur for me, but absolutely life-changing for M.  My T prayed for the influence/bond to be broken and then she led M to the Lord. She told him about God’s love for him, that Jesus died for him, and asked if he wanted to begin a relationship today.  He was forgiven and saved, free and whole…all in one session.  If that isn’t God at work, I don’t know what is!!   He cares for me as much as He cares for the individual parts of me.  It was His plan from the beginning, to provide a way for me to survive the horrible abuse/trauma I endured as a child.  That’s how much God loves people (parts included)!

It was exhausting for M, myself and I’m sure my T, but what a beautiful outcome.  M asked if he could have a new name, a real name, not one that was a reminder of what he had to endure. My T said of course, and asked God to give him a name.

The night before, I had posted a verse out of James, and he must have been present while I was reading through the book.  But here is the cool God piece, (as if the other things weren’t) my therapist doesn’t read my blog, and she didn’t know about reading the book of the bible when she said, “How about James? That is a strong name, he was one of Jesus’ disciples, and I think it would be a good, new name for you.” 

I almost burst into tears as I listened from behind the scenes. Seriously?? God is so GOOD! This was the verse,  James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. All of my support team was in prayer the night before, and I believe that God used everything for His purpose, but for the good of my community!

My younger parts emerge shortly after to describe what they were seeing on the inside.  They thanked my T for helping M, now James, and that it felt much safer inside.  They also said it was much brighter.  Wendy (8) said it was like the sun kept rising, and the light was bright and flittering.  How precious!  She said it was like fireworks in the daytime and no loud booms-LOL.  She is so sweet and sincere.  She said everyone was coming out to watch the bright light.  In a bizarre kind of way, I envisioned all the little munchkins coming out of hiding and celebrating; the big bad witch was dead. However, this was a celebration of new life, God’s goodness, mercy and freedom.

So, it’s Wednesday night, I’ve felt emotional all day, but in a good way.  I am tired, worn out, but blessed.  Grateful for a T who loves the Lord, seeks Him, and allows Him to direct our work together.  Healing only comes from God; He uses people (my therapist) to help us along the way and believe that we can do this difficult, grueling, and intense work.

Tomorrow I go in for my third session of the week; my T is on vacation next week. I am ready for a break, but nervous that I will not be connecting with her after all this new information and work. I’m sure she is ready to take time off; I can’t imagine how difficult it is to work with me, let alone all the other clients she sees.  Wow!!  I know there is tons of stuff in this post, but I needed to get it out!  I hope tomorrow is an easy, relaxing session.

 

Finding Courage

My desire to be well has been the driving force behind my intense, long, and sometimes difficult weekly sessions in therapy.  I do not want to give space for satan to “steal, kill, and destroy, anything we have done to this point.  Even when I post the difficult feelings, I know the truth that God is always there, working, healing, and strengthening me to keep moving forward.  It is easy to forget, especially when the view is clouded with doubt, fear, and being bad.

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My T contacted me the other day because I attempted to cancel this Friday’s session.  I emailed her saying, I need to cancel my appt. on Friday.  Two minutes later my phone is ringing, and it’s her number. When I saw it was her name on my phone, it brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t answer.  I’m not sure about the tears or why I couldn’t answer. She emailed back, rather quickly, with her response, No. At first I thought, she can’t tell me, No. Then I remembered that we had decided long ago, that if she needed to be direct with me, it was okay.  I need that at times, especially if I get to the spiraling phase.

About 8:30pm that evening, she sent me a text asking why I hadn’t returned her call or responded to the email.  I sent a text back saying, Good question. Really, I didn’t know why I hadn’t responded.  I think it was the feeling of abandonment that has been pretty heavy for me lately. I have been pushing my husband and son’s away, along with isolating from my friends.  My dysfunctional thinking is, “If I push my inner circle away first, they can’t hurt me anymore.” Not my best thinking, for sure, but it feels so real.

Our back and forth texting led to the decision for me to go to my session tomorrow.  I am trying to prepare myself to share, honestly how I feel, and the issues from last Friday’s session.  I have made copies of my recent blog posts, and plan on reading them to her. It will help me stay focused, say what I need (in case I cry), and give me a little courage.  Finding the courage to say, “I’m angry at myself and you”, is going to be difficult.  I already feel badly about the whole thing, feeling responsible for the mess I’m in emotionally.

Make this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that my feelings are legitimate and I have a right to feel them.”

These are the on-going, internal battles that I fight along this journey.  They aren’t as frequent and they don’t seem to ‘take me out’ as long as they did before.  I know I have the strength to fight, along with my T, who hasn’t give up on me.

 

 

Part 2 of “Canceling Therapy”

After I published yesterday’s post, I felt like I needed to say more.  There’s more you say? I’m clarifying some things and adding others.

First of all, I am extremely grateful for my therapist. She is amazing, and if you’ve read any of my posts; you would agree.  She has spent countless hours with me in therapy, and communicating by phone, text or email.  She goes above and beyond, it’s who she is, and I’m forever blessed.  She is also completely unaware of my anger from last week-actually she would be shocked to know I was struggling with this so much.  She isn’t going to contact me, save my appt. time or check in, and I’m okay with that.

Secondly, I can’t determine whether my anger is toward me, her or both.  I know her well enough to know she would be puzzled (sad seems to personal) to know I am in this space with my anger.  I am also aware that she knows me, the depths of me, more than any other person- she’s my therapist!  And if I’m struggling, I should talk to her about those issues.  I get all of that, but for some reason, I can’t.

My guess as to why I can’t talk to her is because it was hard for me to do it last week.  I had to make an outline of the things I needed to say, I never finished it completely, but it didn’t matter anyway.  Putting myself at risk to say why I was hurting/struggling, and then to have it all dismissed, was confirmation I did the wrong thing.

I feel I’m regressing back to how I was treated by my parents; it has taken over my thinking and reactions.  I am not worth it or valuable enough to say what I need, because I’m so bad.  If I wasn’t so bad, she (my therapist) would have helped me through the issues I brought up last week.  Instead, we blew past them so she could talk to a 12yr old part of me.  The message keeps getting louder in my head- YOU ARE BAD! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY IS WRONG!

OMG!  I can’t believe what just came out of my mouth…my typing.  Do I believe she cares for my parts more than me?? Is there jealousy? Shit!  I don’t know.  I wanted and still want each one of my parts to feel safe, heard, loved and cared for. Maybe I simply can’t transfer that same thinking for myself…

giphy1.gifOf course my 3 friends, you remember, they are ALL therapists, disagree with my thinking! That’s why I call them “those damn therapists” which truly is a term of endearment!  However, I know logically, none of this makes ANY sense. I want to run, flee, go away, because  I can’t talk about it without crying, then I get angry, then I’m crying, blah, blah, blah!  They care about me, and want the very best.  I am grateful for their friendship, sometimes irritated they are therapists, but blessed.

There’s no resolve, nothing fixed, and I’m no further along than before.  I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. This makes me feel worthless and very shameful.  I should know better, I shouldn’t behave this way, I should get over this, I should tell her how I feel, I should, should, should!  What is wrong with me?  I was doing so well…

 

Canceled Therapy!

Well, I canceled my therapy for tomorrow…me, not a part of me, just me! I’ve been struggling since Friday’s therapy session, and it’s not getting better. What is “IT”, you say? Good question, I have no idea.  The roller coaster of extremes is driving me to this place of completely shutting down.  I vacillate between anger toward myself and then at my therapist.  The only problem is, she has no clue, and won’t until I actually have to share how I feel inside.  Which leads to the next problem; I am not sharing how I feel! Why? Because it feels out of control.  “Aibi, please don’t go!”

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For obvious reasons, me sharing how I really feel would come out all kinds of sideways! I am sure there are all sorts of “psychology jargon” for what I’m experiencing, feeling and thinking. And I’m sure, therapist’s alike, would all say that it is normal. Well guess what?  I don’t care because it feels f-up to me. The anger from Friday is my fault for not going back to ask why we aren’t discussing these new things. This is my therapy, my sessions, my journey, so how can it be her fault? I needed to say something! Even if it felt like I’ve just done something wrong by saying them to her, it’s still my responsibility.

My spiraling goes down hill from there…in case you were wondering. So up to this point, in my therapy, if my appointments were canceled, my therapist would find ways to contact me.  She would ask if I was aware that my appt. was canceled. Normally, it would be news to me, and we would find out that a particular part was canceling. By this evening, my mind was all sorts of messed up and I’m thinking, “She didn’t even question the cancellation. She really only cares about my parts, or she would have said something.  I guess I did something wrong and she really doesn’t want to see me? Maybe I don’t need to go back.”

Geesh, how crazy, stupid is that?  But that is what I have been battling with all weekend, and that on top of the triggers, irritability with my family, and my emotions. I am a HOT mess; seriously, I wouldn’t want to see me either.  Oh, and I fight myself in believing I’m defective if I’m angry!  Never was allowed. No crying. No feelings.  No emotions.

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It is time to stop this madness…..

What Do I Want to Do??

This has been a question I’ve been struggling with for the past 2-3 years.  I have maintained a full-time career, until I resigned from my job in January 2014.  I was unable to work and do the necessary transformation work of therapy at the same time. This has been the first time I’ve experienced inadequacies in my professional life.  It would be impossible for me to return to any of the previous positions in jobs I’ve held. This is both sad and frustrating for me!  I know the work I’m doing in therapy is extremely important, but the more I continue, the further away I feel from ever going back to having any type of career.

It is, like everything you read about DID treatment, the hardest, most grueling, painful process anyone can endure.  Of course, I told myself that would not be the case for me.  WRONG!  Now I am venturing into the work of myself, my feelings, my emotions, my memories…and it is overwhelmingly painful.  The emotions it triggers are, at times, too much for me to handle.

Trust God, Pray about it, Surrender your agenda, Be patient with yourself, Tell God I’m struggling (he already knows), Believe His plans are good, He will never leave you, He loves you, He will strengthen you…

I know and hear these truths all the time, but sometimes, I can’t do, see or feel any of it! I know in those moments, I am being attacked, and that satan wants nothing more than to keep me in this state of uncertainty, failure, worthlessness, and shame.  I want to be able to give back, share what God has done in my life, speak about DID-so others will have a better understanding and maybe help that person like me.

On days like today, I can’t think about taking another step. I want time away from therapy, I am afraid to share what I feel inside, how it feels to be me, and stay connected/present at the same time.  The roller coaster of wanting to fight through or running from, keeps me from seeking what it is God wants for me.

 

cala