Tag Archives: anger

Good and Bad News

I have been absent for awhile; not real sure why. I’ve experienced some highs and lows for the past week and a half. Generally, I’m the type of person who wants to hear the bad news first, but today I’m changing things up. Sharing the good news first, it may help change my perspective…or not! giphy

 

The good news is… I’ve decided to return to my previous job, working for those “damn therapist” friends. There has been incredible amounts of healing that had to take place before this was even a consideration. All those who were involved in this (no one knows what to call it) “thing” have taken separate paths to deal with this individually.

At first, it seemed like this entire mess was all my fault. In fact, I took the blame for losing my job, friends, therapist and any trust that I once had. It’s amazing how my mind worked during that extremely, horrible event. In the past, I would have said,  F_ _ _ _ You all, and walked away! Now, after many years of working in therapy, allowing God to change me and learning to care about me; I was broken! Broken in the sense that I really do care, about people, what I do, and even myself. God showed me many areas of my life where I needed to change; He used this time to heal and restore.

I know that 2 of these ladies have gone through similar experiences during this “thing” and we’ve all come out better people because of it. I will never under-estimate the power of restoration in each of our lives. There is always hope for resolution, but because I constantly think negatively, I truly didn’t think it would ever come about. Blessed, Thankful, Grateful…these are the words that come to mind when I see what God has done!

I’ve started back to work, slowly, and being very aware of how quickly things escalated to bring about the previous disaster.  I’ve been able to talk about it with them, honestly and without angry or judgment. And that is a beautiful thing!! What we all realized is, each one of us had our own, completely separate, issue that needed healed. We did the hard work in therapy to achieve that, and it’s why I’m back there now. We are stronger and better people because of this “thing” and for the record- No, I wouldn’t want to do it again!

I guess one would say, “That is great news!”…..1giphy

 

 

 

 

Now, for the bad news..      ***Trigger Warning*** (massage/abuse)

It has taken me years, lots of therapy and a complete mind set change, to ever think about getting a massage. As an abuse survivor, from childhood to my teens, this is one area that was always off limits. Yes, I’ve read many articles stating that physical touch, such as  massages, can be very healing when done appropriately. There are many benefits to having one on a regular basis. A few years ago, I found myself at a place that does foot/back massages. You are fully clothed and in a room of other people having the same thing done. It was a quiet, peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. I had no idea places like this existed, but was open to try it out. There was one little problem though…I hated anyone touching my feet! I mean, I would absolutely lose control if someone even joked about touching them! It was like I snapped and there was no going back!

I felt trapped in the place of “what am I going to do when he touches my feet?” In that moment, I began to cry and pray and pray and pray. I asked God to just get me through it, PLEASE! Well, He got me through it AND I was okay. It wasn’t so bad….so fast forward 3 years later. Last year I started getting a full body massage once a month, then the past 3 months every week.  I would go after my Friday (3hr.) therapy session and it was so beneficial. Especially when I was doing the manual labor job; it was killing my body!

Last Friday something happened during the massage. I felt strange; I knew I had switched during the massage (which isn’t uncommon for me) and something wasn’t quite right. By that evening, my teenage part, Kat, had come out and started smoking and drinking. I alerted my therapist, but Kat began texting her saying it was “all good”! That is always Kat’s coping defense- reframing; turning the bad into good, even when it’s not the truth. She hates having to talk about emotionally distressing events; I don’t blame her, but it’s how we heal. And of course, this all happened when she was mostly present to the massage. She also felt completely responsible that something happened, because she was the one that help push me to start getting them. She was afraid I would hate her, if she told.

This is such a hard area for me; I absolutely do NOT hate her and it’s NOT her fault. It’s one thing when your parts begin sharing their trauma from the past, but it’s a whole other deal when they have to be involved in “real-time life”. Shit happens in life; I know that all too well. It’s when it affects all of us that pisses me off. I’m a mom, my boys are 23 and 21 and I would do ANYTHING to protect them. The parts of me are the same…I NEVER want them to experience anymore trauma and I want to protect them at all cost! But like with my boys, I can’t protect them from everything, no matter how hard I try.

Kat did share, in therapy, what took place in the massage room. I’m thankful it wasn’t as bad as I envisioned in my head. It was inappropriate and absolutely wrong!! We will never go back and at this point, I’ll NEVER have another massage. I HATE people who feel the need to take advantage of others in an extremely vulnerable place! And like past trauma, it’s made it way into this experience. There is a link to Kat’s past trauma and this one; I feel completely responsible for putting her in another place where she had to protect me. She feels the same way about me though….Damn it! I hate this for both of us!

Part 2 of “Canceling Therapy”

After I published yesterday’s post, I felt like I needed to say more.  There’s more you say? I’m clarifying some things and adding others.

First of all, I am extremely grateful for my therapist. She is amazing, and if you’ve read any of my posts; you would agree.  She has spent countless hours with me in therapy, and communicating by phone, text or email.  She goes above and beyond, it’s who she is, and I’m forever blessed.  She is also completely unaware of my anger from last week-actually she would be shocked to know I was struggling with this so much.  She isn’t going to contact me, save my appt. time or check in, and I’m okay with that.

Secondly, I can’t determine whether my anger is toward me, her or both.  I know her well enough to know she would be puzzled (sad seems to personal) to know I am in this space with my anger.  I am also aware that she knows me, the depths of me, more than any other person- she’s my therapist!  And if I’m struggling, I should talk to her about those issues.  I get all of that, but for some reason, I can’t.

My guess as to why I can’t talk to her is because it was hard for me to do it last week.  I had to make an outline of the things I needed to say, I never finished it completely, but it didn’t matter anyway.  Putting myself at risk to say why I was hurting/struggling, and then to have it all dismissed, was confirmation I did the wrong thing.

I feel I’m regressing back to how I was treated by my parents; it has taken over my thinking and reactions.  I am not worth it or valuable enough to say what I need, because I’m so bad.  If I wasn’t so bad, she (my therapist) would have helped me through the issues I brought up last week.  Instead, we blew past them so she could talk to a 12yr old part of me.  The message keeps getting louder in my head- YOU ARE BAD! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY IS WRONG!

OMG!  I can’t believe what just came out of my mouth…my typing.  Do I believe she cares for my parts more than me?? Is there jealousy? Shit!  I don’t know.  I wanted and still want each one of my parts to feel safe, heard, loved and cared for. Maybe I simply can’t transfer that same thinking for myself…

giphy1.gifOf course my 3 friends, you remember, they are ALL therapists, disagree with my thinking! That’s why I call them “those damn therapists” which truly is a term of endearment!  However, I know logically, none of this makes ANY sense. I want to run, flee, go away, because  I can’t talk about it without crying, then I get angry, then I’m crying, blah, blah, blah!  They care about me, and want the very best.  I am grateful for their friendship, sometimes irritated they are therapists, but blessed.

There’s no resolve, nothing fixed, and I’m no further along than before.  I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. This makes me feel worthless and very shameful.  I should know better, I shouldn’t behave this way, I should get over this, I should tell her how I feel, I should, should, should!  What is wrong with me?  I was doing so well…

 

Being present, ugh!

Learning to ‘be present’ when it is easier to default to your dissociation, sometimes sucks!  When I began to own my own anger and frustration, it felt very strange, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions.  It was effortless to let my part take the anger, while I dissociated. When it was felt by me, I usually found something to “DO”, because I could fix, clean, or sweep something into perfection.  Then I wouldn’t have to feel. Now that I’m making progress in those areas, it still feels wrong or bad to have anger.

When anger arises, being present in it makes me feel bad, then guilty because I’m angry or shameful, or that maybe this whole thing is my fault.  I am ultimately responsible for what happens, right??  Well those were lies I told myself, and I need to sit and be present with these feelings.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, right?  Well, in my last post I shared that I wasn’t present for the session, and the information I received seemed inaccurate for the time I was there.  My suspicions were correct. I was having some agitation yesterday and couldn’t figure it out.  I was supposed to go the church this morning, where I used to work.  They were celebrating being in a new building, and I thought I could go back.  I haven’t been able to since I left, but I wanted to support them.  As the day went on, I become more and more irritated.

I sent a text to my T and asked if this seemed odd or what I should do.  She thought it could be my teenager, and I should ask her if she had a problem with going.  We have had these issues before, and I would tell the particular part to stay in there room.  They would not have to go or be apart of something they didn’t feel comfortable with.  My T kept wanting me to talk to her, but of course she wouldn’t engage with me.  Anyway, we sent some texts back and forth, and finally she responded with this:  “Ok. She still has things to share with you when she’s ready.”  At first I didn’t really get it, but then I read it again.  My response back was, “Oh, you know?” She texted back, “Yes.”

My immediate response was, “What the heck, really?” why wouldn’t she tell me?  Why didn’t my teenager tell me?  Then that feeling of betrayal set in quickly.  I’m the client, I should know what is happening with me, right?  Then all the confusion sets in- my teenager is a part of me, I am actually keeping a secret from myself, what is the reason for not telling me?  What is she hiding?

In the past, this kind of  thing would make me spiral quickly, I’d start that “stinkin’ thinkin'” cancel my next session, consider quitting therapy altogether, and letting my anger be projected onto my T.  I have learned more now and understand, that in order for my parts to open up and share their trauma and abuse, they need to trust my T.  They need to feel safe in talking to her, know that she cares and believes them, and that if they can’t share the things they have protected me from yet, she will help them.  I know my T has my best interest at heart, and that all this is a process. I may not always like it, but I trust her in helping them grow and trust me.

I feel anger, but it’s okay to be angry.  My anger is okay, I won’t feel this way forever. I want to know what is going on, but it doesn’t always work out when I say or when I want it too.  This is where I have to trust God’s timing, and pray that she will feel safe enough to tell me what is going on with her.  My T will help her and that makes me feel much better. We’ve been through this before, we made it, and we can do it again!

 

Random thoughts for today

Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, felt sick, battling the effects of throwing up again.  Why do these things keep happening?
romans-7-15-blog-1

I feel angry inside, but not sure why.  I spent most of the day trying to put Christmas decorations up.  I finally reached that place where I knew I had to jump right in and begin.  However, the moment I tried, I was constantly being distracted by all sorts of things.  Here is what went on after I told my  husband I was ready…

  • went and colored my hair
  • decided sweep the leaves outside
  • then in the garage
  • started more laundry
  • opened Christmas containers and closed them over and over
  • walked around in circles from room to room
  • repaired odd things that were broken-not important

So, you see, my attempts where met by unnecessary distractions.  Finally, many, many hours later-we have decorations. I’m not sure how I even feel about it yet.  I didn’t put up things that seemed to trigger uneasy emotions- and there were several of them!  My husband was very kind and asked before he put things up.  He is terrific and I love him bunches!  He puts up with so very much from me…grateful.

Most of the night, I seemed to be in a fog. At times it wasn’t so bad, and other times I wanted to get out of here.  More than once, I wanted to throw things, smash them, watch them shatter into pieces. It reminded me of my childhood, abuse, and how my family covers it all up!  Always having to look good on the outside, so no one really sees what is raging inside. I am sure that was my teenage part.  She was very angry.  I felt my biggest battle happened internally with her.  It went something like this:

B:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Because it’s important.

B:  To who?

Me:  To all of us, but the little girls need a happy Christmas this year.

B:  I don’t need it.

Me:  Maybe you do.

B:  I don’t think so, it is stupid.

Me:  Why? 

B: Doesn’t make things go away…nothing will change.

Me:  Like what?

B:  Things I don’t want to think about.  Anyway, you let them all control you again- and they won.

Me:  Who won?  I wasn’t controlled.

B:  Bullshit! You let your husband talk you into it, and the counselor.  You never stand up for yourself!

Me: I think they were trying to be helpful.  I was unsure.

B:  Exactly!  You are never sure.

Me:  I am sorry you are upset.  What can I do to help you?

B:  Nothing!  You’ve done enough…

Ugh! That is how my conversation with her went.  No real answers, strong statements, because she is very guarded.  I feel bad because I want everyone to enjoy a new start at Christmas.  Although, I often wonder if she is right about listening to others.  I will say, I wanted my therapist to be on my side when I talked about not wanting to participate in Christmas.  Maybe it was too extreme. But I will admit to feeling a bit “put off” that she didn’t say, “Don’t do it, if you don’t want too.”  Or maybe it’s what I wanted to hear….I hate being indecisive and not knowing!

There seems to be several things attached to Christmas.  I feel uneasy, nervous, somewhat afraid, and unsettled all at the same time.  Maybe it’s pressure to make it different, because what if it isn’t!  I do want to enjoy it, but I guess I don’t know how.  I feel vulnerable inside.  It will be important for me to communicate with those in my “circle” of support.  Of course, there’s that little issue of Holidays=Vacation.

In the past, my therapist has let me know, on my last visit, prior to her vacation, that she was taking time off.  I realize she did this so that I wouldn’t dwell on it weeks ahead of time, or get my self worked up and afraid.  Maybe it’s a compliment to my progress that I found out 3 weeks ago what days she would be gone.  I was proud of myself for the progress, and glad she told me…..but now it seems overwhelming!  Of course, it makes sense that everyone takes vacation, and especially between Christmas and New Year’s.  But right now, it feels scary that I won’t be able to see here, talk through the struggles, and make sense of the things I may be feeling. Now, if there is anyone deserving of vacation, it is her!  I am not saying that at all! I would take a year off, if I had to me as a client.  She is an incredible therapist, and I am truly blessed to have her.

I wouldn’t want to admit to any of that, because I don’t want to seem “needy” or so “messed up” that I can’t survive!  Sometimes I find it very difficult to actually say what I really need.  Is it because I don’t know? Or that I put too much on others.  Either way, it’s a daily struggle.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for today…