I have been noticing that since it’s my turn to process memories, understand the abuse, feel the emotions from anger to sadness (and everything in between), and talk about “my stuff”; I want to hide! I told my T on Monday that it is extremely difficult, even painful to know that “she sees me” and I allowed that to happen. I have been so guarded- walls up, masks up and ready for attack- that this feels completely out of control. Am I glad that she sees me? Yes, at some level, it helps with working through DID and my parts. But now that it’s just me…I don’t like it very much.
I have been experiencing migraines on a weekly, sometimes biweekly, basis. They are different than the ones I shared with my teenage part; I’m getting the full brunt of pain. I know my sweet husband is sick of coming home to me being in bed, completely shut down from the world, life, him and our boys. I don’t have any idea what is happening; I feel lost and confused by this new turn of events.
I was and still am an advocate for my parts to share, be present, and heal. So why, then, is this different for me? Why do I feel as though telling my T things will cause abandonment or shame and me being so bad or unworthy of care, comfort and guidance? She offered those same things to the parts of me, would she be able to do that for me? And then, why do I care? Shouldn’t matter, right? I don’t need anyone….never had anyone when I needed them in the past.
I am messed up-shit! Hello Captain Obvious, this is NOT a news flash…no one is running to the Editor-in-Chief with this information; it’s old news, back page, last column, bottom, right corner: This Girl is F’ed Up!