Category Archives: Mental Illness

Finding a Purpose

I have found myself asking the same question, although many different ways, over and over again. “What is my purpose?” “What will I be when I grow up?” “Will I ever be able to have a career again?” “How long is all this going to take?” “What am I going to do with my life?” “I’m 48, now what?” “What is God’s will for my life?” “Will I ever be healed or well enough to have a career?” Even though I know all the “right” answers to this question, I am finding difficulty in believing there’s actually something better waiting for me.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my job as an office manager for two, incredibly gifted, respected and caring therapists. They have given me an opportunity to be involved in the workplace, while I’m intensely seeking my own therapy and healing. I am blessed to be there, no question!

I had two incredible career experiences prior to resigning and working on “Me, myself, and the gang! This journey, the past 5 1/2 years, has taken many turns, seen many road blocks, small crashes, lost some much needed baggage, allowed me to breathe again, challenged me to do things I would never do, depend on others, trust, believe, love, witnessed miracles, freedom and have faith that God will continue to bring healing.

Sounds like I’m whining, huh?  Probably a great deal of truth in that statement. I have always achieved what I set out to accomplish. I was always afraid to try anything that could possibly be a failure; that didn’t leave much to choose from. My inside parts have taught me countless things I NEVER knew about myself; it continues to blow my mind. Here are a few examples of things I would never try, never liked or not considered before:

  • We love to cook
  • We can sew, don’t use patterns, make things up as we go
  • We make jewelry by taking old pieces, busting them up and recreating them into beautiful things
  • We paint shoes or rings or jewelry
  • We can read music and play some on the piano
  • We design websites and logos
  • We draw and illustrate each sketch
  • We love and ride horses
  • We love to shop and by shop, I mean clothes and shoes

There is probably more, but you get the point. Shocking to myself, my family and those close to me to see it all unfold. Well, they may not be as shocked as I am! My therapist is always saying, “You can do anything! Is there anything you can’t do? ” She jokes about how she wishes she could do even some of those things.

Then why sit and wonder what my purpose is moving forward? It starts with the truth; it’s not about me. Yep, that’s right ________, it’s NOT about you! Life is about God. He created me, on purpose, to bring Him glory. It goes against most of what we hear on a daily basis, in our society, if we were to watch the news.:) But believing and living otherwise would be a never-ending, empty, uphill battle.

Making life choices, based solely, on what makes me “happy” will be a waste of my time. Seeking God first, allowing Him to lead and show me my purpose; that’s what He intended for this adventurous life. I think my struggle comes from a place of fear. Fear of not being able to do the things I once did; fear that I can’t handle a full time career. I can’t let those fears drive me or my decisions. What would bring God glory? That’s my purpose…

Matthew 10:39 says, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”

Matthew 7:7 says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Happy 1yr Anniversary…to me

It’s been 1 year since I stumbled onto this world of blogging! I wasn’t sure what to think or even expect after my first couple posts. What I quickly found was so many wonderful people, who like us, needed a community to be real, honest, angry, sad, thankful, undone, safe, cared for, understood, encouraged, believed…I could go on and on, but we all know why we are here.

Personally, I am extremely humbled and grateful for you all! Somedays coming to this site and reading your words of encouragement was the only thing that kept me going. Reading your posts, seeing the strength you each possess and the continuous fight for freedom and health is inspiring! God has blessed me in many ways and I believe He wants us all to heal!

I quit blogging about a month ago because of the debilitating migraines I was having- at times they lasted a week. It was all I could do to get out of bed, take medicine or even go to the bathroom…tmi! I missed out on so much and wanted to lay down and never get up! I wish I could say they are gone, but at least I can say they are better. They have actually changed somewhat and we have been able to work with them better than before.

I apologize for my absence, I’ve missed reading and staying updated with each of you. It is exciting to see how things have changed for us all! While I’ve been gone, my newest young one, who we call Little Cathy, has made some great progress! She is like me in many ways, feeling responsible, thinking she isn’t good enough, desires to be perfect or something is wrong with her, afraid of making a mistake because that means she is bad….

These are the things we both need to change, to let go of and to believe we simply are good enough! She is not like any other part on the inside, she connects with me first, and that is strange and good all at the same time. She is 8 and full of life, yet has been hidden for so long. She has seen so much and endured, like others, horrible abuse.

I did learn that she loves horses! What?? I have never spent time around horses, unless you count taking my boys on pony rides when they were little. 🙂 She has spent lots of time on a horse and is looking forward to riding very soon. I, on the other hand, am scared to death! But I am willing to try and learn. I can only imagine how wonderful it would have been to feel the safety she felt of having a special friend, who she could trust, love and depend on…a horse named, Dusty!

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Good and Bad News

I have been absent for awhile; not real sure why. I’ve experienced some highs and lows for the past week and a half. Generally, I’m the type of person who wants to hear the bad news first, but today I’m changing things up. Sharing the good news first, it may help change my perspective…or not! giphy

 

The good news is… I’ve decided to return to my previous job, working for those “damn therapist” friends. There has been incredible amounts of healing that had to take place before this was even a consideration. All those who were involved in this (no one knows what to call it) “thing” have taken separate paths to deal with this individually.

At first, it seemed like this entire mess was all my fault. In fact, I took the blame for losing my job, friends, therapist and any trust that I once had. It’s amazing how my mind worked during that extremely, horrible event. In the past, I would have said,  F_ _ _ _ You all, and walked away! Now, after many years of working in therapy, allowing God to change me and learning to care about me; I was broken! Broken in the sense that I really do care, about people, what I do, and even myself. God showed me many areas of my life where I needed to change; He used this time to heal and restore.

I know that 2 of these ladies have gone through similar experiences during this “thing” and we’ve all come out better people because of it. I will never under-estimate the power of restoration in each of our lives. There is always hope for resolution, but because I constantly think negatively, I truly didn’t think it would ever come about. Blessed, Thankful, Grateful…these are the words that come to mind when I see what God has done!

I’ve started back to work, slowly, and being very aware of how quickly things escalated to bring about the previous disaster.  I’ve been able to talk about it with them, honestly and without angry or judgment. And that is a beautiful thing!! What we all realized is, each one of us had our own, completely separate, issue that needed healed. We did the hard work in therapy to achieve that, and it’s why I’m back there now. We are stronger and better people because of this “thing” and for the record- No, I wouldn’t want to do it again!

I guess one would say, “That is great news!”…..1giphy

 

 

 

 

Now, for the bad news..      ***Trigger Warning*** (massage/abuse)

It has taken me years, lots of therapy and a complete mind set change, to ever think about getting a massage. As an abuse survivor, from childhood to my teens, this is one area that was always off limits. Yes, I’ve read many articles stating that physical touch, such as  massages, can be very healing when done appropriately. There are many benefits to having one on a regular basis. A few years ago, I found myself at a place that does foot/back massages. You are fully clothed and in a room of other people having the same thing done. It was a quiet, peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. I had no idea places like this existed, but was open to try it out. There was one little problem though…I hated anyone touching my feet! I mean, I would absolutely lose control if someone even joked about touching them! It was like I snapped and there was no going back!

I felt trapped in the place of “what am I going to do when he touches my feet?” In that moment, I began to cry and pray and pray and pray. I asked God to just get me through it, PLEASE! Well, He got me through it AND I was okay. It wasn’t so bad….so fast forward 3 years later. Last year I started getting a full body massage once a month, then the past 3 months every week.  I would go after my Friday (3hr.) therapy session and it was so beneficial. Especially when I was doing the manual labor job; it was killing my body!

Last Friday something happened during the massage. I felt strange; I knew I had switched during the massage (which isn’t uncommon for me) and something wasn’t quite right. By that evening, my teenage part, Kat, had come out and started smoking and drinking. I alerted my therapist, but Kat began texting her saying it was “all good”! That is always Kat’s coping defense- reframing; turning the bad into good, even when it’s not the truth. She hates having to talk about emotionally distressing events; I don’t blame her, but it’s how we heal. And of course, this all happened when she was mostly present to the massage. She also felt completely responsible that something happened, because she was the one that help push me to start getting them. She was afraid I would hate her, if she told.

This is such a hard area for me; I absolutely do NOT hate her and it’s NOT her fault. It’s one thing when your parts begin sharing their trauma from the past, but it’s a whole other deal when they have to be involved in “real-time life”. Shit happens in life; I know that all too well. It’s when it affects all of us that pisses me off. I’m a mom, my boys are 23 and 21 and I would do ANYTHING to protect them. The parts of me are the same…I NEVER want them to experience anymore trauma and I want to protect them at all cost! But like with my boys, I can’t protect them from everything, no matter how hard I try.

Kat did share, in therapy, what took place in the massage room. I’m thankful it wasn’t as bad as I envisioned in my head. It was inappropriate and absolutely wrong!! We will never go back and at this point, I’ll NEVER have another massage. I HATE people who feel the need to take advantage of others in an extremely vulnerable place! And like past trauma, it’s made it way into this experience. There is a link to Kat’s past trauma and this one; I feel completely responsible for putting her in another place where she had to protect me. She feels the same way about me though….Damn it! I hate this for both of us!

Therapy Tuesday, Wednesday and…

It seems as though 3 sessions a week is becoming a norm in my life, ugh! Actually, the past couple weeks I have been there 4x a week, seriously?? giphyI know I’m on a fast track, but this need s to stop. For one, I can’t afford to keep going this often. Money is a huge stressor for me, since I resigned from my full time job in 2014.  The past 3-4 weeks has been difficult to manage my weekly budget. Taking time off right now would not be productive, yet I can’t keep using money I don’t have to go to therapy. The other part of this is my current, part-time job. The job is awesome, I have great bosses- who are exceptionally patient and understanding of my disorder and schedule. Although when I have difficult sessions, several times a week; I miss several hours of work on a weekly basis. Those two things combined, make for anxiety levels that get rather uncomfortable. There is no solution, that I know of, at this point. I have often thought about filling out paperwork for disability, but that seems wrong somehow…

When I resigned, I committed to therapy 2x a week, and my T is extremely generous with her time and rates. Honestly, I wouldn’t be this far along if that was not happening. I am truly grateful for her willingness to be flexible and generous. My prayers are always that God would bless her and her family abundantly more than she could ask or dare imagine. No doubt He sees her heart and how she is such a huge blessing to her clients. She always reminds us of what God is doing; for our good and His glory- He uses everything! Nothing is wasted, not one thing.

I guess I’m venting about things I can’t fix and that makes me frustrated. I know this isn’t going to last forever, but it feels like I’m drowning and getting deeper and further from the shore, so to speak. I don’t want to stop or slow down therapy when things are really working and going well. I tend to hit things hard and suffer that emotional hangovers later, but it works for me and my therapist. 🙂 I feel comforted that others, I read about, also suffer from shutting down after therapy. Or in my case unable to go back to work or even go the next day. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I think if I didn’t like my job or the people I work for, I would have been fired or quit long ago. Blessed they still want me there.

I feel exhausted emotionally, after two days of therapy in a row. But I should be used to this by now, right?? Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to discuss how my new medication is working; it is working great and I’m thankful to have it. Guess I’ll miss more work, but these things have to happen. Enough already! Geeshgiphy1

Attachment…shit!

I guess since all this has happened I realize that my attachment to people comes on the basis of dependence. I depend on people to tell me “I’m good enough”, “I’m not bad”, and “I’m worth it”.  I hate this about my personality because doing this work in therapy with DID has made me feel worthless, bad, defective, broken and a mistake! It’s hard to combat those words on a daily basis, so it’s comforting when people come into our lives and say the opposite. They remind me of how God sees me, and that is the complete opposite from what I’m berating myself with, constantly!

This is my fault; I allowed people to get too close, to share in my life, to depend on them, to let them support me. I have always maintained strong boundaries, but I blew it here! People feel like they get a “say” in our life, have to explain or need defend us to others if need be- because they’re only “trying to help”! Maybe they think they are protecting us. That is all enabling, controlling, codependent, blah, blah, blah! People have good intentions, I get it, but when it doesn’t go the way they want…shit hits the fan!

I’m in this place because I chose to trust! But I can promise you this….not anymore!

Just When I Think Things Are Changing

“The closer you get to God the more satan will send pain your way but what satan forgot was that when you are in pain, you are more susceptible to being blessed by God. God gives us strength in the time of our weakness.”

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

47188414c6d10bb734e75c87149522e8When am I closer to where God wants me to be or when I am close to receiving a breakthrough from the Lord; satan shows up to try and disrupt things.  The closer I get to God, and trusting that He is healing and bringing freedom; the more satan tries to attack the things I am doing.

 

What I’m learning is, when I can clearly see the things God is doing, start celebrating the good that is happening; I get blindsided and taken out.

Right after my last post “New Day”, I had a migraine, that once again, put in a dissociated state. One of my teenagers and another part took me to work, helped me get through the day and stayed in contact with my therapist.  I had taken medication that is not possible for me to function, but I needed (in my opinion) to be at work. I know, dumb choice! It is one of the “good” things about having DID, you have options when you can’t be “out”.

My T was texting with B (my teenage part) to see if she thought I could meet with her at the office or maybe even talk on the phone. B didn’t think I could manage having any conversation, so by the afternoon, she took me home. Even though I know it happens, it always shocks me as to how this all happens.  The migraines have usually originated from another teenage part-K. She and I share them, but my T seems to have some way to help her through, and knock it out.  It was the first time that I had the migraine alone, and it seemed to cause an exuberant amount of chaos internally.  The really sweet thing was, each part pitched in to help me function, and I feel so blessed that they care so much!

When I made it home late afternoon, my husband said I walked through the front door, said nothing, went into the bedroom, and stood there looking around like I was lost. He knew right away that I was not good. I immediately remembered the migraine and had to go lay down. My husband has never experienced a migraine, so it’s hard for him to understand I need a quiet, dark and cool room, in my bed  and no talking.  I wish he could understand it isn’t possible to simply lay on the couch and watch TV. My T has migraines and another friend of mine too, so it’s nice to have those who empathize and understand what is needed.

After I slept it off, I was able to communicate with my T about the day, read all the back and forth texting and had an overall view of what took place.  She suggested I come in Monday for a session, even though I have my 2 regularly  scheduled sessions for the week.  At times, I feel like I’m never going to get back to one session a week, especially with all the 3rd sessions I’ve added lately….Ugh!  But the goal is healing, and I cannot lose sight of that right now.  No matter how many sessions it takes, I want to get to a place of wholeness.

My little ones, on the inside, say when all is good it’s like the sun is always rising, and there is no more darkness.  What a beautiful picture of how it will be someday.  No more darkness, no more pain, no more tears….just celebrating a God who loves us, saved us and called us home!

Sunrise

Finding Courage

My desire to be well has been the driving force behind my intense, long, and sometimes difficult weekly sessions in therapy.  I do not want to give space for satan to “steal, kill, and destroy, anything we have done to this point.  Even when I post the difficult feelings, I know the truth that God is always there, working, healing, and strengthening me to keep moving forward.  It is easy to forget, especially when the view is clouded with doubt, fear, and being bad.

giphy2.gif

My T contacted me the other day because I attempted to cancel this Friday’s session.  I emailed her saying, I need to cancel my appt. on Friday.  Two minutes later my phone is ringing, and it’s her number. When I saw it was her name on my phone, it brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t answer.  I’m not sure about the tears or why I couldn’t answer. She emailed back, rather quickly, with her response, No. At first I thought, she can’t tell me, No. Then I remembered that we had decided long ago, that if she needed to be direct with me, it was okay.  I need that at times, especially if I get to the spiraling phase.

About 8:30pm that evening, she sent me a text asking why I hadn’t returned her call or responded to the email.  I sent a text back saying, Good question. Really, I didn’t know why I hadn’t responded.  I think it was the feeling of abandonment that has been pretty heavy for me lately. I have been pushing my husband and son’s away, along with isolating from my friends.  My dysfunctional thinking is, “If I push my inner circle away first, they can’t hurt me anymore.” Not my best thinking, for sure, but it feels so real.

Our back and forth texting led to the decision for me to go to my session tomorrow.  I am trying to prepare myself to share, honestly how I feel, and the issues from last Friday’s session.  I have made copies of my recent blog posts, and plan on reading them to her. It will help me stay focused, say what I need (in case I cry), and give me a little courage.  Finding the courage to say, “I’m angry at myself and you”, is going to be difficult.  I already feel badly about the whole thing, feeling responsible for the mess I’m in emotionally.

Make this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that my feelings are legitimate and I have a right to feel them.”

These are the on-going, internal battles that I fight along this journey.  They aren’t as frequent and they don’t seem to ‘take me out’ as long as they did before.  I know I have the strength to fight, along with my T, who hasn’t give up on me.

 

 

It’s My Turn

In an email to my therapist, my teenage, protector part (B) said this, “Well, it’s her turn now.  She (me) wants us to “get it out” now she can.  We aren’t the only ones with those shitty memories.”  Wow, that was a stinger!  Although she is right, I want each of my parts to share, ‘get out’ whatever they need and feel safe;  I hesitate to begin my own processing.

My session on Tuesday was not as long as normal, I had put together an outline of things I wanted to talk about, but could never get there. I felt scattered in my thinking, on the verge of tears, and was struggling to tell my T how I was feeling.  As soon as I would start talking, I could feel the tears surface.

We discussed the session last week, with my parts and the abuse they endured. It is always beneficial to process afterwards, and we had done that last week, and again on Tuesday. I feel surprisingly at peace with what took place, even though it was emotionally and physically exhausting. From there, I shared how the day before I couldn’t go to work, spiraled into wrong thinking that, “maybe I don’t really have DID”, “maybe I can begin communication with my family now”, “maybe this is all my fault”, blah, blah blah!  Geesh, I know all this is normal thinking along the way, but when does it stop??

I also talked about how I feel like I’m holding these 2 bubble lives, one bubble has my husband, boys, friends and therapist, and the other bubble is my hometown, my family of origin, old friends and abusers.  The first bubble is where I live now, with care, support and love I receive from everyone in the bubble.  I can go for a week and say that this is my new life, family, friends, etc. and I don’t ever need to make contact with my home family.  Then the second bubble pops up and I tell myself I can never change, this is my reality, the people in there will never believe me or support me, but that is because I caused all this mess.  I went on to say the first bubble is “to good to be true”, eventually someone is going to pop it and I will be abandoned once again.  So, I need to pop it myself, because it won’t hurt as badly as it did the times before. I need to cut them off before they cut me off!

My T responded with something rather shocking…she said both bubbles are true.  The first one is full of people who love, care and support you.  They do that, not because they have to, but because they want to. And they will not pop the bubble.  The second bubble is also true, it represents my past, the hurt, abuse, abandonment, etc. It has people who intentionally hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I should hold it, or want to be in it.  The people in the first bubble want me to grow, heal and succeed, but not the ones in the second bubble.

She said, “What kind of parent doesn’t want the best for their child, to love them unconditionally, help them when they need help??  You were able to do these things for your boys, and model for them what was never modeled for you.” 

I started to cry and said, “How was/is that even possible?  I shouldn’t know how to do those things.”  She smiled, that comforting and caring smile, and said, “God.  He was able to help you do things that, statistics say you could not.”  Tears, probably of joy, ran down my face as I tried to take that in and sit with the truth.  Only God, who loves, saved, cares about, and wants good for me, could do the impossible. I am eternally grateful.

I heard this the other day, and it constantly comes to my mind.  “Encourage means to fill with courage. You have the power to give courage to others.”  I am constantly being filled with courage from my husband, sons, my ‘3 damn therapist’ friends, and my own therapist! They are my biggest encouragers, and I am blessed to have them in my life!

“Courage is being brave and afraid at the very same time.”

 

 

“I Hope I Never ______ in Therapy”

We all have those fears of what you never want to happen in therapy, right?  Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always had a short list of things I hope never happened while in a therapy session.  Keep in mind that I have DID, and parts of me have done things I am not aware of while dissociating. Sometimes it is unpleasant to know I have done something I am not aware of, but that’s how it happens.

Here are my top 3, “I hope I never______in therapy.”k15253103

  1. Vomit 
  2. Take my clothes off
  3. Am face down on the floor

I am going to finish the events that began Tuesday during therapy, and talk about my 3hr. session Thursday.  Starting Wednesday morning until Thursday morning, emails from my teenage part (who I’m calling B) and my T were lighting up my inbox.  I would always know when my T would respond, but not aware of when B would send one.  B was discussing with my T, what could be done about her split part, Scott. How she didn’t want him to suffer, hurt or feel embarrassed.  They are best buds, so it was hard for her to make him do something he didn’t want to do, even if it was necessary.

B took us to the session, and began to explain to my T she had a “revelation” while we were running that morning.  I couldn’t wait to hear what it was, and yet I had an idea.  She went on to say, her whole life she has tolerated pain, no matter how extreme, because what was the point? She realized that by me not saying what we needed, when we are sad, hurt, afraid, in pain, etc. that the consequence was to endure pain.  My parents never allowed for my siblings and me to say those things.  They weren’t nurturing, loved conditionally, punished severely if you did anything wrong, and were abusive.  It didn’t take me long to learn I needed no one but myself, I decided right and wrong, because no else cared….especially the people who were supposed to care.

My T took that information, sat down in front of B and said, “Then tell Scott what you and Kathy need, so he can stop the pain.” In an instant, I felt pain shoot through me and so did B.  She could hardly talk between trying to catch her breath from the pain. I began to hear faint whispers from her to Scott, saying please help me, I need your help, I need you. It was terribly sad, but my pain level, like hers, kept me from thinking of nothing other than how to stop the pain.

My T took B’s hand, maybe to somehow comfort her, I’m not sure.  B grabbed her hands and as fast as the pain arrived, Scott arrived that quickly. It was as if B connected them, to tell Scott that he as in good hands, and for my T to help him finish.  As the pain continued to increase, he kept saying he needed to get up (best idea ever).  I was hoping he would do something, but it appeared as though he was leaning over and lay on the couch….nope!

He slide right down, off the couch, and face down on the floor.  I began to feel my body shake, not like other times, but more like convulsing. He could barely get words out, as he was reliving the trauma he took from B.  My T was sitting in her chair above him, walking him through, reminding him he was no longer there, he can’t be hurt like that anymore, and that he was safe.  He struggled to say complete sentences, but basically he was a hero, and took some horrible abuse for his “best friend”.

I was caught off guard when everything came to a complete standstill, no pain, no shaking, no talking, nothing.  At first, I thought to myself, “I think I died down here,” but that immediately passed when the convulsing and pain started up again. He began to scare me a little, I wanted it to end for all of us.  My T, in her wisdom, took hold of his hand again and began to talk him through the infamous, “Search and Rescue”.  As she took his hand, she asked if he could feel it, then said it was time to get out- once and for all!  I don’t know why/how that all works, but it does, PRAISE the Lord, it does!

It was a slow transition coming back from him to B and then me.  I opened my eyes, my T asked if I was okay, and I responded by asking her to walk out so I could get up, take my things and leave.  She chuckled a bit, and said she didn’t think that was a good idea.  Then I asked her to close her eyes while I got up, and walked out.  Again, same response from her.  Honestly, how does a person transition from that place, those events, that information?? I thought it was a great idea!

Courage for me, in that moment, was to be vulnerable, feel the emotions and say what I needed….because wasn’t that B’s “revelation” from the beginning.  I took her advice, stayed, cried, shared my honest /deepest emotions, and we processed together. I sat on the floor the whole time, my therapist asked me about my pain level, and realized I no longer felt any of that pain in my “backside”!! Unbelievable, really!  This is how God has worked this entire journey, I am constantly amazed by His love, care, protection and mighty hand at work in my life.  He is so good, and faithful.  He has orchestrated every step of my therapy and I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Sorry for the length of this post.  I wanted to share even though it was painful, so, so exhausting and emotional; it was also beautiful that way it ended.  No more pain, parts doing hard work to heal, and seeing God work miracles.  I left there, took a 2 hr nap, shared the events with my wonderful husband, and that night slept 6 straight hours!!!! WooooHoooo!

****For the record, I have never done 1 or 2 on my list above! 🙂

 

 

 

And Then it Happened, the Shocker

My therapy was moved an hour and a half later on Tuesday.  It was a last minute change, which in the past, would upset me to no end.  Now, it is easier because I know her personality type and since I know mine well, I can see things from her perspective. I also like to think I’ve grown and handle things better too. My learning about personality types has been a valuable tool in my life, relationships, and therapy. Finding something that helps us with transformation, as well as understanding and having compassion for others, benefits everyone.  This personality tool has been a huge blessing in understanding my parts’ personalities too.  Anyway, I could go on and on about that…..

My other teenager, who I’ll call B, came that day because this month is her hardest trauma from the past.  She, unlike my other teenage part, is athletic, strong, direct, no nonsense, leader, and the protector of the system.  She has endured horrible things on my behalf when I was engaged to a guy I met in college.  March was the month of the engagement, and also the intensity of sexual abuse.  It breaks my heart when I hear of the horrific events in my life, she protected me from. Blessed and saddened by it all.

This month is also when I experience some my worst pain (body memories).  The abuse was intense,  I had to have reconstructive surgery in 2003, to repair the rectal damage. This pain is my least favorite, for obvious reasons, and for B as well.  Up to now, she has shared all the abuse, so you can understand my shock and confusion, when it flared up again.  She hates to be vulnerable, doesn’t want to appear weak, and only says the bare minimum, unless you ask specifically.  It is frustrating at times, but because I know her personality type, I get it. She does not trust well or many people. My T and her have an incredible relationship; they respect each other a great deal. My T also requests her help, at times, to get the inside system running smoothly when it gets out of hand.

As B was sharing some life events, that were all new to me, she and I began to experience horrible pain.  She had told about the day in 1989 when, my then, fiancé’s parents met mine for the first time, to go over wedding plans.  It was so enlightening for me to hear it, and nothing came as surprise.  How terrible for anyone to endure a day of people judging, manipulating, criticizing, and being down right mean.  As the pain became increasingly worse, and I was unsure of the source, or if she had more trauma to share. Suddenly, I became unaware of anything else from that point…

The next thing I knew, I was outside, down the sidewalk from my T office, and sitting on the curb. I got up, dazed, a bit confused, and headed to my car.  No keys, no phone, no purse, not sure of the time, no purse, what the *****.  Now, I’m faced with having to walk back into the office, hoping she isn’t in session, and locating my purse, keys, and phone.  Thankfully, I had 20 minutes left in my session, so I walked back in and hoped she could explain what happened.

Apparently when the pain intensified, B, who we knew had a split part, male, named Scott, abruptly came out. He put an end to the discussion, stating He no longer wanted B to suffer through this crap (he used lots of bad words). He paced around her office, was angry, unwilling to listen to my T, and wanted nothing to do with saying what was really going on.  My T is a smart lady, she knew he was hiding something, called him out on it, and said he was afraid.  All of that was true, however, he wasn’t going to budge…so he walked out!  That is why I was outside.

All along, we have thought he simply came in, like a knight in shining armor and saved her from anymore abuse. We didn’t think he had part of the trauma too.  You can imagine my shock in hearing he did, indeed, have trauma; he is a guy, and the abuse was in an extremely bad place. It was too much for me, and I grabbed my things, paid my money, and headed to the door.  As I reached for the doorknob, I turned around,  asked my T, “Are we going to be okay?”  she smiled, that familiar, compassionate smile and responded, “Yes, you are all going to be okay.” 

The rest of the day, and the following were filled with anxiety and concern as to what needed to happen next.  I knew that B and Scott had to figure out the next steps. Ultimately, he must share, like every part has done, to experience freedom and stop the pain from happening to him, B and myself.  Lots of emails between my T and B took place that next day, which led to an idea and potential solution.

Lots of prayers, and trusting God for the outcome, were at the forefront of my mind.  I am a “fix it” kind of person, so this was difficult for me to let my parts work out the details of what would take place during the Thursday session.  I’m glad that God is in control, although sometimes I think I am, His ways are ALWAYS best and PERFECT!

*My next post will have what took place Thursday….I’m a few days behind.