I went in for an added session on Monday morning. I was struggling with migraines over the weekend, my new part, M had been texting my T while I was out cold on medication. It’s always interesting to read communication between my parts and T. She must have been thinking we couldn’t wait for the Tuesday session to get resolve. I agreed, and we spent 2 hours on Monday trying to get M to explain why he was keeping me stuck in my trauma, and not wanting me to get well.
He struggled to speak; he described the panic feeling like someone sitting on his chest. I often have that same feeling, so I was glad to know it was a real issue. Sometimes I think the physical issues I experience are “just in my head”….not true though. My T was asking me about my relationship with my brother, more in-depth than what we’ve done with him before. As I was sharing information, a major revelation came to me about my dad and brother. I must have had an odd look on my face, because my T said, “What are you thinking right now?” My response was that she probably is thinking that for several years she’s listened to me talk about having a close relationship to my dad, but yet has heard me describe horrible things about him. Then when my 8yr old part, Wendy, shared what he had done to me, it was all to confirming of what she speculated and my worst fears! So, hearing things about my brother, was starting to sound all to familiar-for both of us.
When M came to talk, he shared that my brother and I were very violent, and physically with each other. He was 2 yrs. older, but I was a fighter. He was the first born, first grandchild, and had an obvious handicap at birth. My dad never connected with him, and since my dad was athletic, as a young man, his dreams vanished, when he saw my brother. How very sad!! My brother and I competed with each other, and since I played sports, and was good at them, I got the attention of my dad. Even if it was negative, it was attention my brother needed as well. We would beat each other up, he mostly won the battles, and would sit on my chest or choke me until I called him “master”.
M told my therapist that I would never say it, that I kept fighting to get out from under him. So he said it, because he thought I would die from being sat on or choked. It made me sad to hear all of that, but he was convinced I needed to stay connected to the abusive words of my family, in order to survive. He felt he needed to protect me from my T because getting well, was not an option. We realized M was being negatively influenced by the bond with my family. We needed to break that bond, but it was strong, and it had an intense hold on him.
I was so tired by the time I got up to leave. My T reassured me that we were getting somewhere, but it was going to take lots of prayer, preparation, and direction. Later that evening she contacted me asking if I would like to come in (the next day) Tuesday at 9am. She asked that we both be in prayer for God’s leading and she would contact me in the morning to see how I felt. I sleep 4 straight hours (which is good for me), ran 5 miles, prayed and listened to worship music the whole run, and when I walked in the door at 6:45am, she was texting me. “Well, what is God saying to you about today?” she asked. My response was, “I slept, ran 5 miles, am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, He gives me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow and blessing all mine. So, I’m ready for whatever He has….I think.”
She must have had a similar feeling because her response back was, “Sounds good. Let’s meet at my office at 9am.” This is what I love about my T, and why I believe my therapy has been guided by the Lord. God is in every aspect of my healing process and we both acknowledge that along the way. Before we began the session, she walked over, took my hand and asked if she could pray. This was not anything new for me, but today we were following God’s leading from the beginning. When she finished praying, I felt a strong urge to pray for her, but at the same time, had a feeling of “I’m not worthy” or “my prayers can’t be heard; I’m too messed up”. Those are all lies that satan wanted me to believe in that moment, but I was going to overcome. I stopped her mid sentence, took ahold of her hand, and said it’s my turn. When I finished, we were both wiping our eyes, but were confident in what we needed to do next.
We spent the first hour recapping and she began to discuss what my brother was like growing up, things he did, was involved in, friends he had, etc. It was eye opening to me to recall the past, and realize that my brother had some spiritual influences that were NOT good, actually a bit scary. Those influences needed to be broken off of me through M. The next hour was a blur for me, but absolutely life-changing for M. My T prayed for the influence/bond to be broken and then she led M to the Lord. She told him about God’s love for him, that Jesus died for him, and asked if he wanted to begin a relationship today. He was forgiven and saved, free and whole…all in one session. If that isn’t God at work, I don’t know what is!! He cares for me as much as He cares for the individual parts of me. It was His plan from the beginning, to provide a way for me to survive the horrible abuse/trauma I endured as a child. That’s how much God loves people (parts included)!
It was exhausting for M, myself and I’m sure my T, but what a beautiful outcome. M asked if he could have a new name, a real name, not one that was a reminder of what he had to endure. My T said of course, and asked God to give him a name.
The night before, I had posted a verse out of James, and he must have been present while I was reading through the book. But here is the cool God piece, (as if the other things weren’t) my therapist doesn’t read my blog, and she didn’t know about reading the book of the bible when she said, “How about James? That is a strong name, he was one of Jesus’ disciples, and I think it would be a good, new name for you.”
I almost burst into tears as I listened from behind the scenes. Seriously?? God is so GOOD! This was the verse, James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. All of my support team was in prayer the night before, and I believe that God used everything for His purpose, but for the good of my community!
My younger parts emerge shortly after to describe what they were seeing on the inside. They thanked my T for helping M, now James, and that it felt much safer inside. They also said it was much brighter. Wendy (8) said it was like the sun kept rising, and the light was bright and flittering. How precious! She said it was like fireworks in the daytime and no loud booms-LOL. She is so sweet and sincere. She said everyone was coming out to watch the bright light. In a bizarre kind of way, I envisioned all the little munchkins coming out of hiding and celebrating; the big bad witch was dead. However, this was a celebration of new life, God’s goodness, mercy and freedom.
So, it’s Wednesday night, I’ve felt emotional all day, but in a good way. I am tired, worn out, but blessed. Grateful for a T who loves the Lord, seeks Him, and allows Him to direct our work together. Healing only comes from God; He uses people (my therapist) to help us along the way and believe that we can do this difficult, grueling, and intense work.
Tomorrow I go in for my third session of the week; my T is on vacation next week. I am ready for a break, but nervous that I will not be connecting with her after all this new information and work. I’m sure she is ready to take time off; I can’t imagine how difficult it is to work with me, let alone all the other clients she sees. Wow!! I know there is tons of stuff in this post, but I needed to get it out! I hope tomorrow is an easy, relaxing session.