Category Archives: God

Finding a Purpose

I have found myself asking the same question, although many different ways, over and over again. “What is my purpose?” “What will I be when I grow up?” “Will I ever be able to have a career again?” “How long is all this going to take?” “What am I going to do with my life?” “I’m 48, now what?” “What is God’s will for my life?” “Will I ever be healed or well enough to have a career?” Even though I know all the “right” answers to this question, I am finding difficulty in believing there’s actually something better waiting for me.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my job as an office manager for two, incredibly gifted, respected and caring therapists. They have given me an opportunity to be involved in the workplace, while I’m intensely seeking my own therapy and healing. I am blessed to be there, no question!

I had two incredible career experiences prior to resigning and working on “Me, myself, and the gang! This journey, the past 5 1/2 years, has taken many turns, seen many road blocks, small crashes, lost some much needed baggage, allowed me to breathe again, challenged me to do things I would never do, depend on others, trust, believe, love, witnessed miracles, freedom and have faith that God will continue to bring healing.

Sounds like I’m whining, huh?  Probably a great deal of truth in that statement. I have always achieved what I set out to accomplish. I was always afraid to try anything that could possibly be a failure; that didn’t leave much to choose from. My inside parts have taught me countless things I NEVER knew about myself; it continues to blow my mind. Here are a few examples of things I would never try, never liked or not considered before:

  • We love to cook
  • We can sew, don’t use patterns, make things up as we go
  • We make jewelry by taking old pieces, busting them up and recreating them into beautiful things
  • We paint shoes or rings or jewelry
  • We can read music and play some on the piano
  • We design websites and logos
  • We draw and illustrate each sketch
  • We love and ride horses
  • We love to shop and by shop, I mean clothes and shoes

There is probably more, but you get the point. Shocking to myself, my family and those close to me to see it all unfold. Well, they may not be as shocked as I am! My therapist is always saying, “You can do anything! Is there anything you can’t do? ” She jokes about how she wishes she could do even some of those things.

Then why sit and wonder what my purpose is moving forward? It starts with the truth; it’s not about me. Yep, that’s right ________, it’s NOT about you! Life is about God. He created me, on purpose, to bring Him glory. It goes against most of what we hear on a daily basis, in our society, if we were to watch the news.:) But believing and living otherwise would be a never-ending, empty, uphill battle.

Making life choices, based solely, on what makes me “happy” will be a waste of my time. Seeking God first, allowing Him to lead and show me my purpose; that’s what He intended for this adventurous life. I think my struggle comes from a place of fear. Fear of not being able to do the things I once did; fear that I can’t handle a full time career. I can’t let those fears drive me or my decisions. What would bring God glory? That’s my purpose…

Matthew 10:39 says, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”

Matthew 7:7 says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Good and Bad News

I have been absent for awhile; not real sure why. I’ve experienced some highs and lows for the past week and a half. Generally, I’m the type of person who wants to hear the bad news first, but today I’m changing things up. Sharing the good news first, it may help change my perspective…or not! giphy

 

The good news is… I’ve decided to return to my previous job, working for those “damn therapist” friends. There has been incredible amounts of healing that had to take place before this was even a consideration. All those who were involved in this (no one knows what to call it) “thing” have taken separate paths to deal with this individually.

At first, it seemed like this entire mess was all my fault. In fact, I took the blame for losing my job, friends, therapist and any trust that I once had. It’s amazing how my mind worked during that extremely, horrible event. In the past, I would have said,  F_ _ _ _ You all, and walked away! Now, after many years of working in therapy, allowing God to change me and learning to care about me; I was broken! Broken in the sense that I really do care, about people, what I do, and even myself. God showed me many areas of my life where I needed to change; He used this time to heal and restore.

I know that 2 of these ladies have gone through similar experiences during this “thing” and we’ve all come out better people because of it. I will never under-estimate the power of restoration in each of our lives. There is always hope for resolution, but because I constantly think negatively, I truly didn’t think it would ever come about. Blessed, Thankful, Grateful…these are the words that come to mind when I see what God has done!

I’ve started back to work, slowly, and being very aware of how quickly things escalated to bring about the previous disaster.  I’ve been able to talk about it with them, honestly and without angry or judgment. And that is a beautiful thing!! What we all realized is, each one of us had our own, completely separate, issue that needed healed. We did the hard work in therapy to achieve that, and it’s why I’m back there now. We are stronger and better people because of this “thing” and for the record- No, I wouldn’t want to do it again!

I guess one would say, “That is great news!”…..1giphy

 

 

 

 

Now, for the bad news..      ***Trigger Warning*** (massage/abuse)

It has taken me years, lots of therapy and a complete mind set change, to ever think about getting a massage. As an abuse survivor, from childhood to my teens, this is one area that was always off limits. Yes, I’ve read many articles stating that physical touch, such as  massages, can be very healing when done appropriately. There are many benefits to having one on a regular basis. A few years ago, I found myself at a place that does foot/back massages. You are fully clothed and in a room of other people having the same thing done. It was a quiet, peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. I had no idea places like this existed, but was open to try it out. There was one little problem though…I hated anyone touching my feet! I mean, I would absolutely lose control if someone even joked about touching them! It was like I snapped and there was no going back!

I felt trapped in the place of “what am I going to do when he touches my feet?” In that moment, I began to cry and pray and pray and pray. I asked God to just get me through it, PLEASE! Well, He got me through it AND I was okay. It wasn’t so bad….so fast forward 3 years later. Last year I started getting a full body massage once a month, then the past 3 months every week.  I would go after my Friday (3hr.) therapy session and it was so beneficial. Especially when I was doing the manual labor job; it was killing my body!

Last Friday something happened during the massage. I felt strange; I knew I had switched during the massage (which isn’t uncommon for me) and something wasn’t quite right. By that evening, my teenage part, Kat, had come out and started smoking and drinking. I alerted my therapist, but Kat began texting her saying it was “all good”! That is always Kat’s coping defense- reframing; turning the bad into good, even when it’s not the truth. She hates having to talk about emotionally distressing events; I don’t blame her, but it’s how we heal. And of course, this all happened when she was mostly present to the massage. She also felt completely responsible that something happened, because she was the one that help push me to start getting them. She was afraid I would hate her, if she told.

This is such a hard area for me; I absolutely do NOT hate her and it’s NOT her fault. It’s one thing when your parts begin sharing their trauma from the past, but it’s a whole other deal when they have to be involved in “real-time life”. Shit happens in life; I know that all too well. It’s when it affects all of us that pisses me off. I’m a mom, my boys are 23 and 21 and I would do ANYTHING to protect them. The parts of me are the same…I NEVER want them to experience anymore trauma and I want to protect them at all cost! But like with my boys, I can’t protect them from everything, no matter how hard I try.

Kat did share, in therapy, what took place in the massage room. I’m thankful it wasn’t as bad as I envisioned in my head. It was inappropriate and absolutely wrong!! We will never go back and at this point, I’ll NEVER have another massage. I HATE people who feel the need to take advantage of others in an extremely vulnerable place! And like past trauma, it’s made it way into this experience. There is a link to Kat’s past trauma and this one; I feel completely responsible for putting her in another place where she had to protect me. She feels the same way about me though….Damn it! I hate this for both of us!

Attachment…shit!

I guess since all this has happened I realize that my attachment to people comes on the basis of dependence. I depend on people to tell me “I’m good enough”, “I’m not bad”, and “I’m worth it”.  I hate this about my personality because doing this work in therapy with DID has made me feel worthless, bad, defective, broken and a mistake! It’s hard to combat those words on a daily basis, so it’s comforting when people come into our lives and say the opposite. They remind me of how God sees me, and that is the complete opposite from what I’m berating myself with, constantly!

This is my fault; I allowed people to get too close, to share in my life, to depend on them, to let them support me. I have always maintained strong boundaries, but I blew it here! People feel like they get a “say” in our life, have to explain or need defend us to others if need be- because they’re only “trying to help”! Maybe they think they are protecting us. That is all enabling, controlling, codependent, blah, blah, blah! People have good intentions, I get it, but when it doesn’t go the way they want…shit hits the fan!

I’m in this place because I chose to trust! But I can promise you this….not anymore!

Just When I Think Things Are Changing

“The closer you get to God the more satan will send pain your way but what satan forgot was that when you are in pain, you are more susceptible to being blessed by God. God gives us strength in the time of our weakness.”

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

47188414c6d10bb734e75c87149522e8When am I closer to where God wants me to be or when I am close to receiving a breakthrough from the Lord; satan shows up to try and disrupt things.  The closer I get to God, and trusting that He is healing and bringing freedom; the more satan tries to attack the things I am doing.

 

What I’m learning is, when I can clearly see the things God is doing, start celebrating the good that is happening; I get blindsided and taken out.

Right after my last post “New Day”, I had a migraine, that once again, put in a dissociated state. One of my teenagers and another part took me to work, helped me get through the day and stayed in contact with my therapist.  I had taken medication that is not possible for me to function, but I needed (in my opinion) to be at work. I know, dumb choice! It is one of the “good” things about having DID, you have options when you can’t be “out”.

My T was texting with B (my teenage part) to see if she thought I could meet with her at the office or maybe even talk on the phone. B didn’t think I could manage having any conversation, so by the afternoon, she took me home. Even though I know it happens, it always shocks me as to how this all happens.  The migraines have usually originated from another teenage part-K. She and I share them, but my T seems to have some way to help her through, and knock it out.  It was the first time that I had the migraine alone, and it seemed to cause an exuberant amount of chaos internally.  The really sweet thing was, each part pitched in to help me function, and I feel so blessed that they care so much!

When I made it home late afternoon, my husband said I walked through the front door, said nothing, went into the bedroom, and stood there looking around like I was lost. He knew right away that I was not good. I immediately remembered the migraine and had to go lay down. My husband has never experienced a migraine, so it’s hard for him to understand I need a quiet, dark and cool room, in my bed  and no talking.  I wish he could understand it isn’t possible to simply lay on the couch and watch TV. My T has migraines and another friend of mine too, so it’s nice to have those who empathize and understand what is needed.

After I slept it off, I was able to communicate with my T about the day, read all the back and forth texting and had an overall view of what took place.  She suggested I come in Monday for a session, even though I have my 2 regularly  scheduled sessions for the week.  At times, I feel like I’m never going to get back to one session a week, especially with all the 3rd sessions I’ve added lately….Ugh!  But the goal is healing, and I cannot lose sight of that right now.  No matter how many sessions it takes, I want to get to a place of wholeness.

My little ones, on the inside, say when all is good it’s like the sun is always rising, and there is no more darkness.  What a beautiful picture of how it will be someday.  No more darkness, no more pain, no more tears….just celebrating a God who loves us, saved us and called us home!

Sunrise

Monday and Tuesday Sessions

I went in for an added session on Monday morning.  I was struggling with migraines over the weekend, my new part, M had been texting my T while I was out cold on medication.  It’s always interesting to read communication between my parts and T.  She must have been thinking we couldn’t wait for the Tuesday session to get resolve.  I agreed, and we spent 2 hours on Monday trying to get M to explain why he was keeping me stuck in my trauma, and not wanting me to get well.

He struggled to speak; he described the panic feeling like someone sitting on his chest.  I often have that same feeling, so I was glad to know it was a real issue.  Sometimes I think the physical issues I experience are “just in my head”….not true though.  My T was asking me about my relationship with my brother, more in-depth than what we’ve done with him before. As I was sharing information, a major revelation came to me about my dad and brother.  I must have had an odd look on my face, because my T said, “What are you thinking right now?” My response was that she probably is thinking that for several years she’s listened to me talk about having a close relationship to my dad, but yet has heard me describe horrible things about him. Then when my 8yr old part, Wendy, shared what he had done to me, it was all to confirming of what she speculated and my worst fears!  So, hearing things about my brother, was starting to sound all to familiar-for both of us.

When M came to talk, he shared that my brother and I were very violent, and physically with each other.  He was 2 yrs. older, but I was a fighter.  He was the first born, first grandchild, and had an obvious handicap at birth.  My dad never connected with him, and since my dad was athletic, as a young man, his dreams vanished, when he saw my brother. How very sad!! My brother and I competed with each other, and since I played sports, and was good at them, I got the attention of my dad.  Even if it was negative, it was attention my brother needed as well. We would beat each other up, he mostly won the battles, and would sit on my chest or choke me until I called him “master”.

M told my therapist that I would never say it, that I kept fighting to get out from under him. So he said it, because he thought I would die from being sat on or choked. It made me sad to hear all of that, but he was convinced I needed to stay connected to the abusive words of my family, in order to survive.  He felt he needed to protect me from my T because getting well, was not an option.  We realized M was being negatively influenced by the bond with my family.  We needed to break that bond, but it was strong, and it had an intense hold on him.

I was so tired by the time I got up to leave. My T reassured me that we were getting somewhere, but it was going to take lots of prayer, preparation, and direction.  Later that evening she contacted me asking if I would like to come in (the next day) Tuesday at 9am. She asked that we both be in prayer for God’s leading and she would contact me in the morning to see how I felt.  I sleep 4 straight hours (which is good for me), ran 5 miles, prayed and listened to worship music the whole run, and when I walked in the door at 6:45am, she was texting me.  “Well, what is God saying to you about today?”  she asked. My response was, “I slept, ran 5 miles, am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, He gives me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow and blessing all mine. So, I’m ready for whatever He has….I think.” 

She must have had a similar feeling because her response back was, “Sounds good. Let’s meet at my office at 9am.”  This is what I love about my T, and why I believe my therapy has been guided by the Lord. God is in every aspect of my healing process and we both acknowledge that along the way. Before we began the session, she walked over, took my hand and asked if she could pray. This was not anything new for me, but today we were following God’s leading from the beginning.  When she finished praying, I felt a strong urge to pray for her, but at the same time, had a feeling of “I’m not worthy” or “my prayers can’t be heard; I’m too messed up”.  Those are all lies that satan wanted me to believe in that moment, but I was going to overcome.  I stopped her mid sentence, took ahold of her hand, and said it’s my turn.  When I finished, we were both wiping our eyes, but were confident in what we needed to do next.

We spent the first hour recapping and she began to discuss what my brother was like growing up, things he did, was involved in, friends he had, etc.  It was eye opening to me to recall the past, and realize that my brother had some spiritual influences that were NOT good, actually a bit scary. Those influences needed to be broken off of me through M.  The next hour was a blur for me, but absolutely life-changing for M.  My T prayed for the influence/bond to be broken and then she led M to the Lord. She told him about God’s love for him, that Jesus died for him, and asked if he wanted to begin a relationship today.  He was forgiven and saved, free and whole…all in one session.  If that isn’t God at work, I don’t know what is!!   He cares for me as much as He cares for the individual parts of me.  It was His plan from the beginning, to provide a way for me to survive the horrible abuse/trauma I endured as a child.  That’s how much God loves people (parts included)!

It was exhausting for M, myself and I’m sure my T, but what a beautiful outcome.  M asked if he could have a new name, a real name, not one that was a reminder of what he had to endure. My T said of course, and asked God to give him a name.

The night before, I had posted a verse out of James, and he must have been present while I was reading through the book.  But here is the cool God piece, (as if the other things weren’t) my therapist doesn’t read my blog, and she didn’t know about reading the book of the bible when she said, “How about James? That is a strong name, he was one of Jesus’ disciples, and I think it would be a good, new name for you.” 

I almost burst into tears as I listened from behind the scenes. Seriously?? God is so GOOD! This was the verse,  James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. All of my support team was in prayer the night before, and I believe that God used everything for His purpose, but for the good of my community!

My younger parts emerge shortly after to describe what they were seeing on the inside.  They thanked my T for helping M, now James, and that it felt much safer inside.  They also said it was much brighter.  Wendy (8) said it was like the sun kept rising, and the light was bright and flittering.  How precious!  She said it was like fireworks in the daytime and no loud booms-LOL.  She is so sweet and sincere.  She said everyone was coming out to watch the bright light.  In a bizarre kind of way, I envisioned all the little munchkins coming out of hiding and celebrating; the big bad witch was dead. However, this was a celebration of new life, God’s goodness, mercy and freedom.

So, it’s Wednesday night, I’ve felt emotional all day, but in a good way.  I am tired, worn out, but blessed.  Grateful for a T who loves the Lord, seeks Him, and allows Him to direct our work together.  Healing only comes from God; He uses people (my therapist) to help us along the way and believe that we can do this difficult, grueling, and intense work.

Tomorrow I go in for my third session of the week; my T is on vacation next week. I am ready for a break, but nervous that I will not be connecting with her after all this new information and work. I’m sure she is ready to take time off; I can’t imagine how difficult it is to work with me, let alone all the other clients she sees.  Wow!!  I know there is tons of stuff in this post, but I needed to get it out!  I hope tomorrow is an easy, relaxing session.

 

It’s My Turn

In an email to my therapist, my teenage, protector part (B) said this, “Well, it’s her turn now.  She (me) wants us to “get it out” now she can.  We aren’t the only ones with those shitty memories.”  Wow, that was a stinger!  Although she is right, I want each of my parts to share, ‘get out’ whatever they need and feel safe;  I hesitate to begin my own processing.

My session on Tuesday was not as long as normal, I had put together an outline of things I wanted to talk about, but could never get there. I felt scattered in my thinking, on the verge of tears, and was struggling to tell my T how I was feeling.  As soon as I would start talking, I could feel the tears surface.

We discussed the session last week, with my parts and the abuse they endured. It is always beneficial to process afterwards, and we had done that last week, and again on Tuesday. I feel surprisingly at peace with what took place, even though it was emotionally and physically exhausting. From there, I shared how the day before I couldn’t go to work, spiraled into wrong thinking that, “maybe I don’t really have DID”, “maybe I can begin communication with my family now”, “maybe this is all my fault”, blah, blah blah!  Geesh, I know all this is normal thinking along the way, but when does it stop??

I also talked about how I feel like I’m holding these 2 bubble lives, one bubble has my husband, boys, friends and therapist, and the other bubble is my hometown, my family of origin, old friends and abusers.  The first bubble is where I live now, with care, support and love I receive from everyone in the bubble.  I can go for a week and say that this is my new life, family, friends, etc. and I don’t ever need to make contact with my home family.  Then the second bubble pops up and I tell myself I can never change, this is my reality, the people in there will never believe me or support me, but that is because I caused all this mess.  I went on to say the first bubble is “to good to be true”, eventually someone is going to pop it and I will be abandoned once again.  So, I need to pop it myself, because it won’t hurt as badly as it did the times before. I need to cut them off before they cut me off!

My T responded with something rather shocking…she said both bubbles are true.  The first one is full of people who love, care and support you.  They do that, not because they have to, but because they want to. And they will not pop the bubble.  The second bubble is also true, it represents my past, the hurt, abuse, abandonment, etc. It has people who intentionally hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I should hold it, or want to be in it.  The people in the first bubble want me to grow, heal and succeed, but not the ones in the second bubble.

She said, “What kind of parent doesn’t want the best for their child, to love them unconditionally, help them when they need help??  You were able to do these things for your boys, and model for them what was never modeled for you.” 

I started to cry and said, “How was/is that even possible?  I shouldn’t know how to do those things.”  She smiled, that comforting and caring smile, and said, “God.  He was able to help you do things that, statistics say you could not.”  Tears, probably of joy, ran down my face as I tried to take that in and sit with the truth.  Only God, who loves, saved, cares about, and wants good for me, could do the impossible. I am eternally grateful.

I heard this the other day, and it constantly comes to my mind.  “Encourage means to fill with courage. You have the power to give courage to others.”  I am constantly being filled with courage from my husband, sons, my ‘3 damn therapist’ friends, and my own therapist! They are my biggest encouragers, and I am blessed to have them in my life!

“Courage is being brave and afraid at the very same time.”

 

 

He uses every hurt, nothing is wasted!

I have not been on to blog for a few days, not sure why, but maybe I simply get tired of the same cycle.  Although there has been significant progress in many areas, I’m grateful for the answers to prayers, and the help I’m receiving, it is easy to find myself feeling alone and broken.

How can I fix this?  I can’t share information until I fix it first. If I could only figure out why this is happening, or why I am feeling this way.  What can I do to make it stop?  I should be able to do something.  I need to get it together, then I can move forward.  What if I never feel right again?

All those statements/questions burn through my mind on a daily basis, and yet the answer will always remain the same.  It’s NOT about me doing anything, because I can’t fix it. It’s about what God is doing IN and THROUGH me.  Only He knows the answers to my questions, the truth behind the statements, and His answers will come in His time. They will be for my good, and His purpose.

But….I hate the pain and suffering!  God doesn’t promise we won’t feel pain and suffering, ugh!  We live in a world full of sin, and sinful people, driven by sinful nature.  We hurt each other.  We need God!  We need His promises, truths, strength, and Jesus.  We are guaranteed eternal life with Him someday, if we believe in Him, ask for forgiveness and live for Him.  God loved us so much He gave His son, who endured horrible physical, emotional and unthinkable abuse.  Guess what?  He didn’t do anything to deserve it!  Like those of us who have suffered similar abuse; we didn’t do anything to deserve it either.  Yet we all need someone to save us…and that someone is Jesus.

He knows exactly how we feel, what we went through, endured, suffered, cried out for, and He wept for us.  He didn’t give us more than we could handle, without His grace and mercy.  So today, if you are struggling, hurting, crying…whatever it is, call out His name and ask Him to save you!  Believe Him, Trust Him, Have Faith in Him, Tell Him what happened, Confess and be Washed White as Snow, and live your life with Him.

You won’t wake up feeling “all better”, “normal” or “someone else”.  You will wake up a new person, the old has gone the new has come.  A fresh start, new beginning, someone to always be there in the difficult times when we have: “to tell our stories”, sleepless nights”, “flashbacks/memories”, “body pains”, “to seek therapy”, “to break addictions”, “loneliness”, “unhealthy attachments”, etc.                                                                                  Jesus will never leave you or abandon you, EVER!  It’s a promise!

I fall down, fail, scream at Him, stop trusting, question Him.  I forget He is my rock, my shield, my comforter, my savior, but He knows it before I ever do any of that, that is what is so great about God’s love, even when we (whatever)…..He loves us!

God uses all the good, bad and ugly in our lives to make us beautiful, if we believe in Him.  He makes beauty out of our ashes. Let Him make you beautiful today!

Isaiah 61:1-3~The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted, to announce liberty to captives, and to open the eyes of the blind. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of God’s favor to them has come, and the day of his wrath to their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness. For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.

 

Friday Therapy

Yesterday was a long session, I was preparing mentally for it all week. I had shared in my previous post about the body memories and how it was affecting us all.  This was what we worked on yesterday.  I knew I needed to be present as Kat shared her trauma,  to hear it, understand it, and love her through it.  She shared hard things, painful memories, and I am so proud of her, she is so brave!

What I’ve learned about myself in all of this, is that each part of me has a story to share, whether it be trauma, abuse, neglect, or anything thing else.  They came for a specific purpose- to help me, and keep me protected.  They need to feel safe, believed and know I’m going to be okay before they share anything.

This process takes a long time, but can take even longer unless you have a therapist who understands, knows what they are doing with DID, and cares about you and your inside parts.  I will say, it is difficult to find someone qualified enough to walk you through the journey, but when you find them….do the work it takes, you are worth being whole and healed!

We made it through the session, crying, wrapped up in a blanket and curled up on the couch…there seems to be comfort in being wrapped in a blanket.  My inner circle of support have started calling it the “Blanket of Vulnerability”.  I am not a fan of vulnerability or sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions, because at a young age- it wasn’t allowed.  I am learning to do it now, it’s painful at times, but oh, so necesssary for healing.

None of this is easy.  No one said it would be. It’s painful and grueling at times. I hate that. I am embracing it. I do my best. I keep fighting.  I stumble and fall.  I get back up.  I hit the restart button.  I know God is with me.  He has gone before me.  He gives me strength. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And I am going to be okay, even good!

My hope is in the Lord….my hope of finding healing and wholeness can only come through Him.  I love these quotes from the movie Shawshank Redemption, I know that seems weird, but they have encouraged me many times.

 

 

An “ah, ha” moment

Sunday’s, oh how they sneak up on me and then- BAM! I’m an emotional mess. Well, this Sunday was no different, but it sort of was, at the same time.  I didn’t sleep well, no surprise, but I also had another headache.  When I got up to take my migraine meds, I heard this voice from inside say, “Please, don’t take that medicine!  I promise, it’s not a migraine.”  

That felt so weird, since this part of me rarely communicates with me, but it was loud and clear that morning.  I took some Excedrin, decided to lay back down and let it run it’s course.  A few minutes later, I’m feeling this odd sensation to get up and work on my BSF lesson.  At this point, I realize that Kat (17) is communicating with me, and I want to acknowledge her.  We head out to the kitchen, get some coffee, slice up a grapefruit, I prayed out loud, we begin to read scripture and answer questions.

As I am reading verses I’ve read before and am familiar with, I notice I’m reading out loud and asking myself questions.  It feels like when I was 21, and a new Christian.  I had so many questions about the bible.  Was this stuff really true?  Is it really this easy?  Does God really forgive ALL my sins, for real??

All this was familiar and I knew she was asking me these questions.  This process of healing, finding freedom, and ongoing integration with my Dissociative Identity Disorder, has always been my goal.  What I wasn’t planning on was this journey of making sure the parts of me knew Jesus.  Not to simply learn about Him, but to experience the relationship, love, forgiveness, and salvation He offers.  I know some of you are thinking, “Man, this chick is messed up!”  Maybe so, but I want to make sure, when the time is right, that all the precious parts of me know and believe in Jesus.  I have no better gift to share with them, other than letting each one share their stories, be believed, and help them through their individual trauma and abuse.  Jesus doesn’t just love me-Host.  He loves every part of me.  And He wants us to be healed!!

I know some may have another meaning for these particular verses in 1 Corinthians, but for me, it speaks not only about the church body, but my personal body too.

1-Corinthians-14-12-also1 Corinthians 12:14-26 (NLT)

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part!  Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I am grateful to be involved in my healing, taking the steps to trust God, my therapist, and myself.  It isn’t easy, most days, I want to quit.  I hate feeling this way, it hurts too badly, and I want things (people) I can never have.  God knows my suffering, He will not allow more than I can take-without Him!

 

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“United as One”

 

Sleepless nights & Emotional Hangovers

Tuesday was my first day back to therapy after a 2 week, Christmas break.  Things on the “inside” seemed to grow increasingly worse, and I wanted to “be done” with all of it!  Not show up for work, bible study, or therapy on Tuesday.  What was the point, too much, too many emotions, too many tears, too much pain, too much everything…

I managed to get up and run with my friend, which always, always helps get me somewhat focused.  Somedays, I just want to keep running and never stop.  Running for me, is a way of escape, getting my mind refocused, and even though I sleep 3-4hrs a night, it helps me physically.

After my run, and shower, I headed out for BSF and praying that God would show me something.  I realize He is always with me, never leaving me “out there hanging”, but on days like yesterday, I needed something.  He is faithful, and gave me comfort in another person’s answer to a question, “God intensely loves me, He is personal and intimate in how He cares for me.”  Wow!  Just what I needed to hear.  God is so Good!

From there I headed off to therapy, which I knew was going to be difficult, for two reasons:

  1. It had been 2 weeks since my last session, and we left things undone with one of my teenage parts.
  2. She did NOT want to share her trauma.

I was switched from the start of the session, until end, two hours later.  I hate when that happens, because I don’t get to say the things I’d like, but mostly, because I was blocked from hearing the conversation.  My teenage part, who is out-going, fun, aggressive, and an enigma at times, hates being trapped in any kind of pain-mentally, emotionally, or physically. She will do anything to numb those feelings.  Which is why, for the past 2 weeks, her behaviors have escalated:  cutting, binging and purging, drinking, prescription drug use, and thoughts of suicide.

She shared some extremely hard memories with my therapist, and at one point tried to leave the room.  She was brave and courageous!  She was able to trust D (therapist), and share her abuse,  or as much as she could handle for a session.  My therapist called later that evening to check on me, and see how I was doing. She had suggested I go home and sleep, instead of going to work.  We usually have a plan in place when there are difficult sessions, and yesterday, the plan actually worked!

I had decided to sit in the lobby for a few minutes, allowing myself to somehow move forward from something I knew nothing of, but felt so sad and heavy inside.  The tears began to roll down my cheeks, on after another, until they seemed to have no end.  This is when I leave, because the idea that someone would see me this way, is not acceptable.  When I felt steady enough, I stood up, walked slowly toward the door, and out to my car. I knew I was going to require help getting home, I called my employer, who is a therapist as well, and she talked me all the way home.  She was a true blessing!

When I arrived, I took a scalding hot shower (which was odd for me), put my PJs on and got into bed at 4:30pm.  I didn’t get out until my husband arrived home at 6:30pm.  Not sure how much I slept, spent lots of time staring at the wall and crying.  But what was so terrible?  I can only speculate, and you know what they say about speculating…..Don’t do it!

So today, I am exhausted from all the emotions, the tears, the headache from crying and 1 hour of sleep.  Selfishly, I want my therapist to tell me what happened, but I know she cannot betray trust.  I’m trying to block it out, but like waves crashing against the rocks, it seems to never end.  My therapist, husband, friends, and myself are all praying and asking God for peace and comfort in the waiting, for me and my teenage part to know she is loved and cared about too.

We go back Friday for our long (3hr) session.  I hope I can make it until then!