Category Archives: Emotions

I Don’t Know How….or Not

My assignment, for this week off of therapy, is to write about how it makes ME feel to know/own the abuse from my dad.  I don’t know where to start or even how to begin writing out my feelings.  I have shared many times that, for me, anger is BAD and having emotions is NOT allowed. It’s a long standing, etched into my brain, default mode message I’ve always believed. Every time I attempt to get the journal out, instantaneously, the twinge of a migraine reminds me to put it all away. I don’t know how to do this or maybe…I really don’t want to do this!

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Even as I type this post, I feel the tears beginning to take shape from behind my eyes, my chest tightening as if someone presently took a seat there, and my throat feeling like it is being squeezed shut.  I despise the the way this makes me feel inside.  My parts have done this same type of work, they are brave, courageous, trusting, and incredibly strong; what is wrong with ME??

Logically, it makes me mad that it happened and it is normal to cry about such horrible things.  I would tell anyone going through similar events, these are necessary steps for healing.  The more you speak about it, out loud, the more freedom and healing you receive.  I know all those things, and yet, I simply cannot move forward. AHHHHHHH

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Obviously, I can still find a bit of humor along the way.  God is faithful and I know His mighty hand is on me, my family and our journey. He provides for us in every area of my life, so I cannot doubt that, especially right now.

As I prepare for this upcoming week of- “trying to journal”, having no therapy, pretending that “I’m good” without the therapy, experiencing panic/anxiety since Thursday, and wondering when the next migraine will arrive- I can’t loose sight that I’m going to be “okay” with it all. I know I’m not the only one who struggles like this, one day doing well, the next day feeling like my world is crashing around me, and white knuckling through, just to say, “I got this” or “I don’t need help”!!

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Therapy changed days, and change happens

My usual Friday, long session, was moved to Thursday, except I didn’t know how long it was going to last.  She, my T, asked if I could come Thursday at 11am, but I didn’t ask her about the length of time.  I guess it didn’t matter because we kept going until I shared along with 3 other parts.  Whew!  Those are very exhausting sessions, when I switch multiple times.  It didn’t help that I walked into her office already crying…and continued for the next hour I was present and sharing the following…

I was able to share my feelings (yuck), my irrational thinking (which I was aware of), and my fears of being vulnerable and honest with her.  It was painful, and she kept trying to reassure me that wasn’t accurate or true (which I knew) after each piece, which made it harder to stay focused.  I was able to get through each one and then I thanked her for all the time and generosity she gives, above and beyond what I deserve.  She allows me to contact her more than what I know to be normal for most clients.  I also thanked her for caring about me and my parts.

She complimented me on the work I am doing, saying it’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do, and that I am the first client, with DID, she has had that worked this hard.  She said that my perseverance through the difficult things has been like none she has seen before.  All of those kind words were extremely hard to hear, believe and hold as my own.  I am someone who can immediately hear a compliment then throw it out or completely disregard it because I don’t believe it to be truth. So, making myself look straight at her, and say, “Thank you”, and believe her words was a big step for me.images

The session ended well, my teenage part, that has been the focus as of late, came and shared how the two of us are learning to work together.  She is realizing her coping/numbing mechanisms are not healthy or a solution. I am thankful for how far she has come, the work she is doing, and her sincere love and concern for me.  I’m learning that she has been closest to the surface, more than any other part.

She was followed by my 8 yr old, Wendy, who had colored a page, with a frog, for my T.  Frogs are her favorite, and she loves talking about them.  A few minutes after she came, my 5 yr old, Sis, showed up to present her coloring page from the movie, “Inside Out”.  She and my T talked about the movie and good memories they both experienced.  It is always so precious and sweet to listen to the “littles” visit with my T.  She is wonderful with my parts, but uniquely gifted when it comes to my “littles”.  The ability to get on their level, speak to them, and engage in conversation that makes them feel completely at ease…is extraordinary.

My night went well, I actually slept for about 5 straight hours, and that is amazing. The two days of migraines were gone, and my community felt more at ease than it has for the last two weeks.  God is good and still in control.  His plans and purposes for my life are and will always be for good, always!  He loves me along with each and everyone of my parts.  The same God that gave me a way out of abuse, through dissociation, is the Creator of the universe and every living thing.  god-says-you-are-2

He uses every hurt, nothing is wasted!

I have not been on to blog for a few days, not sure why, but maybe I simply get tired of the same cycle.  Although there has been significant progress in many areas, I’m grateful for the answers to prayers, and the help I’m receiving, it is easy to find myself feeling alone and broken.

How can I fix this?  I can’t share information until I fix it first. If I could only figure out why this is happening, or why I am feeling this way.  What can I do to make it stop?  I should be able to do something.  I need to get it together, then I can move forward.  What if I never feel right again?

All those statements/questions burn through my mind on a daily basis, and yet the answer will always remain the same.  It’s NOT about me doing anything, because I can’t fix it. It’s about what God is doing IN and THROUGH me.  Only He knows the answers to my questions, the truth behind the statements, and His answers will come in His time. They will be for my good, and His purpose.

But….I hate the pain and suffering!  God doesn’t promise we won’t feel pain and suffering, ugh!  We live in a world full of sin, and sinful people, driven by sinful nature.  We hurt each other.  We need God!  We need His promises, truths, strength, and Jesus.  We are guaranteed eternal life with Him someday, if we believe in Him, ask for forgiveness and live for Him.  God loved us so much He gave His son, who endured horrible physical, emotional and unthinkable abuse.  Guess what?  He didn’t do anything to deserve it!  Like those of us who have suffered similar abuse; we didn’t do anything to deserve it either.  Yet we all need someone to save us…and that someone is Jesus.

He knows exactly how we feel, what we went through, endured, suffered, cried out for, and He wept for us.  He didn’t give us more than we could handle, without His grace and mercy.  So today, if you are struggling, hurting, crying…whatever it is, call out His name and ask Him to save you!  Believe Him, Trust Him, Have Faith in Him, Tell Him what happened, Confess and be Washed White as Snow, and live your life with Him.

You won’t wake up feeling “all better”, “normal” or “someone else”.  You will wake up a new person, the old has gone the new has come.  A fresh start, new beginning, someone to always be there in the difficult times when we have: “to tell our stories”, sleepless nights”, “flashbacks/memories”, “body pains”, “to seek therapy”, “to break addictions”, “loneliness”, “unhealthy attachments”, etc.                                                                                  Jesus will never leave you or abandon you, EVER!  It’s a promise!

I fall down, fail, scream at Him, stop trusting, question Him.  I forget He is my rock, my shield, my comforter, my savior, but He knows it before I ever do any of that, that is what is so great about God’s love, even when we (whatever)…..He loves us!

God uses all the good, bad and ugly in our lives to make us beautiful, if we believe in Him.  He makes beauty out of our ashes. Let Him make you beautiful today!

Isaiah 61:1-3~The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted, to announce liberty to captives, and to open the eyes of the blind. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of God’s favor to them has come, and the day of his wrath to their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness. For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.

 

Tears have ended…finally!

It had been 5 straight days of crying and sadness over heavy memories of sexual abuse at the hands of my parent.  Sometimes it shocks me all over again, and I swirl within to make sense of anything.  Why?  wHy? whY?  Probably never going to get the answer I long for and desperately desire to have.

The harmful behaviors continue to surface, as Kat strives to find those same answers.  I get as a teenager, feelings seem too much to handle, but I really am too old for this. 🙂  The nausea from smoking, drinking, cutting, binging/purging, lack of sleep, migraines….I am ready for things to change.  At the same time, I realize she isn’t going to stop all these behaviors cold turkey.

Then I’m reminded to continue to show grace, love, patience, and perseverance throughout this enormous process, called DID. My therapist repeatedly compliments my patience with this, but some days I feel like I’ve failed myself and all the parts of me.  I know they see me struggle more than ever, see me cry for the first time, and yet they continue to extend grace.  What a blessing and example to follow.  God is genuinely creative, loving, and oh, so, kind as He has made this all available to those of us who endured horrific abuse.  What a precious gift!

I will celebrate dry eyes today…you never know when that will change.  Please know, that I know, crying is good, healthy, and healing.  Sometimes it is the ONLY way we can communicate the pain and suffering or blessings and joy!  Someday, as the scripture says in Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

 

Sleepless nights & Emotional Hangovers

Tuesday was my first day back to therapy after a 2 week, Christmas break.  Things on the “inside” seemed to grow increasingly worse, and I wanted to “be done” with all of it!  Not show up for work, bible study, or therapy on Tuesday.  What was the point, too much, too many emotions, too many tears, too much pain, too much everything…

I managed to get up and run with my friend, which always, always helps get me somewhat focused.  Somedays, I just want to keep running and never stop.  Running for me, is a way of escape, getting my mind refocused, and even though I sleep 3-4hrs a night, it helps me physically.

After my run, and shower, I headed out for BSF and praying that God would show me something.  I realize He is always with me, never leaving me “out there hanging”, but on days like yesterday, I needed something.  He is faithful, and gave me comfort in another person’s answer to a question, “God intensely loves me, He is personal and intimate in how He cares for me.”  Wow!  Just what I needed to hear.  God is so Good!

From there I headed off to therapy, which I knew was going to be difficult, for two reasons:

  1. It had been 2 weeks since my last session, and we left things undone with one of my teenage parts.
  2. She did NOT want to share her trauma.

I was switched from the start of the session, until end, two hours later.  I hate when that happens, because I don’t get to say the things I’d like, but mostly, because I was blocked from hearing the conversation.  My teenage part, who is out-going, fun, aggressive, and an enigma at times, hates being trapped in any kind of pain-mentally, emotionally, or physically. She will do anything to numb those feelings.  Which is why, for the past 2 weeks, her behaviors have escalated:  cutting, binging and purging, drinking, prescription drug use, and thoughts of suicide.

She shared some extremely hard memories with my therapist, and at one point tried to leave the room.  She was brave and courageous!  She was able to trust D (therapist), and share her abuse,  or as much as she could handle for a session.  My therapist called later that evening to check on me, and see how I was doing. She had suggested I go home and sleep, instead of going to work.  We usually have a plan in place when there are difficult sessions, and yesterday, the plan actually worked!

I had decided to sit in the lobby for a few minutes, allowing myself to somehow move forward from something I knew nothing of, but felt so sad and heavy inside.  The tears began to roll down my cheeks, on after another, until they seemed to have no end.  This is when I leave, because the idea that someone would see me this way, is not acceptable.  When I felt steady enough, I stood up, walked slowly toward the door, and out to my car. I knew I was going to require help getting home, I called my employer, who is a therapist as well, and she talked me all the way home.  She was a true blessing!

When I arrived, I took a scalding hot shower (which was odd for me), put my PJs on and got into bed at 4:30pm.  I didn’t get out until my husband arrived home at 6:30pm.  Not sure how much I slept, spent lots of time staring at the wall and crying.  But what was so terrible?  I can only speculate, and you know what they say about speculating…..Don’t do it!

So today, I am exhausted from all the emotions, the tears, the headache from crying and 1 hour of sleep.  Selfishly, I want my therapist to tell me what happened, but I know she cannot betray trust.  I’m trying to block it out, but like waves crashing against the rocks, it seems to never end.  My therapist, husband, friends, and myself are all praying and asking God for peace and comfort in the waiting, for me and my teenage part to know she is loved and cared about too.

We go back Friday for our long (3hr) session.  I hope I can make it until then!