I know what you’re thinking…what does this have to do with anything?? I know, right? Why would you care if I like country music, why would it matter and what’s that got to do with this post? Well, hold on to yur hats cowboys, cuz im bout to tell ya’ll… (that is my best country talk, right there). 

There is this country song, Backwards, by Rascal Flatts, which I remember from watching The Hannah Montana: The Movie, with my boys. I didn’t know at the time who Rascal Flatts was or that this song would end up in my blog one day.

I have been sharing about the loss I’ve been experiencing since my birthday in July. It was horribly painful and I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be or if restoration would happen. This past week, God has restored my friendships, my job is available- if I want to return, my issues concerning my therapist and the blindsides I’ve experienced have been worked through. Whew! He’s also revealed to me why my personal boundaries are so important and why we need them to be and stay healthy.

I am grateful, blessed and humbled by what God does in my life on a daily basis. It’s times like these that I can step back and see His hand in absolutely everything. Did I like what happened? NO! Did it happen for a reason? YES! The people involved, individually (including myself), needed to work through personal issues in order for us to come to this place. I didn’t know how I would explain all of this, so I thought, hmmmm, I think there’s a song.

I’m attaching the link, but I thought it would be fun to change the words leading into the chorus. I hope you enjoy! The original lyrics are on the left and my newly, revised, lyrics are on the right…

Backwards

You get your house back                                                               You get your job back
You get your dog back                                                                   You get your desk back
You get your best friend Jack back                         You get your “damn therapist” friends back
You get your truck back                                                                 You get your hope back

You get your hair back                                                                 Your broken heart back
You get your first and second jobs back               You get your first and second chance back
Your front porch swing                                                                 Your skin is free  

Your bling, bling, bling and a diamond ring   From the injuries, the spider bites & poison ivy

You get your farm, and the barn                                              You leave the farm and the barn 
And the boat, and the Harley                                                    And the house and mower
And that old black cat named Charlie                                    And my life is gonna feel fuller

It sounds a little crazy                                                                It sounds a little crazy
A little scattered and absurd                                                    A little scattered and absurd
But that’s what you get                                                             But that’s what you get
When you play a country song backwards                          When you trust in God and His Word

I haven’t made any official decision about the job; I’m still praying about all of those things. I’m excited to think about going back and doing a job I love! My first priority is to myself and the precious parts of me. My job is to protect them, have them trust I can make healthy choices for all of us and keep them safe. I have grown in new ways these past few months and I’m thankful for what I’ve learned.

This past week after my EMDR session, we learned that we have another part that has not yet surfaced. We knew there may be a possibility a few months ago, but nothing ever came about from that session. This week during my Tuesday session, little Cathy, my newest part, came out for maybe 5-10 minutes. She clearly holds all responsibility and fault of the things that have taken place throughout my life. She is 6 yrs. old, but appears to know an incredibly amount of information. She doesn’t trust adults, me, and hasn’t made contact with the others inside.

It makes me sad that she has been alone for so long. The switch from me to her was very difficult, almost like it was in the beginning of my diagnosis of DID. She carries the negative cognition we worked on in EMDR: “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” Each part of me shares this “responsibility” piece, but she “is” the responsibility!

During this past Friday session, my therapist and I discussed a dream I had the night before (which connected with Cathy) and the notes from our EMDR session. Little Cathy surfaced once again, very quiet, uneasy and scared. She spent a little time talking to my T, which is good, but she clearly doesn’t trust her at all. She is stuck in a place a long time ago. A time where adults can’t be trusted, blame her for everything, and hold her responsible for anything that includes her, or not….

I didn’t get to hear the discussion, which seems to be normal when new parts surface. They seem to be in that protective mode still, and keep me from listening. This is all positive in regards to her feeling safe enough to talk, even if she doesn’t trust. It will probably take longer than what I’d like, but I trust, like every other time, God will reign and work in His timing.

I know doing EMDR is a process where information comes up faster than “talk therapy” and it seems to undo most of us that have DID. Because we have so much going on inside, hearing new information all the time, from lots of parts of ourselves, it can be overwhelming and exhausting. When you use EMDR on top of that, in makes for a faster pace and that can be more than a person can handle at times. My opinion of EMDR and DID is that if you tried it too soon or early on in the diagnosis, it could be harming to the client and their parts. Other’s may not agree, but it happened to me. It is nothing short of a miracle that I would even attempt it again. I’m glad I did and it’s been effective.

My T and I are working incredibly hard at keeping things at a “normal” pace, which we call the fast track. LOL! My session Friday, even though difficult and exhausting, was also encouraging. We are making progress, slow, but still it’s progress.

I spent the evening “away”, which doesn’t happen as often these day. I had this sick feeling inside that I was unable to reach Cathy, bring her to the present day, and help her see we are all safe. I know this all takes time, but it was heart-breaking for me. Lots of tears and time away is hard on me, but I can’t imagine being stuck in a time  where she feels fault, guilt and total responsibility. I hate for myself when I do it, but I’m not a child…

Why is it, the night before therapy, we become very panicky?? After 5 years of this, you’d think I would handle it better. There has been so much happening: information that fills my mind after EMDR on Friday, my dad’s bday was in the middle of all that and I’ve been hurt once again at the “plantation” job. It’s like, why bother going? I don’t know where to begin with the swirling memories, the dreams that make no sense and potential new part that refuses to be “seen”. All of it makes me sad and confused.

I know going is the best thing; we always get through something and I ultimately feel better. I’ve been having strange dreams about me T, not sure why. It’s like a mask keeps being pulled off of her and revealing things I don’t want to know. It makes no sense, and I don’t really know what is being revealed. Ugh! I don’t want to tell her about the dream; I’m sure it would be helpful, if I did.

The childhood memories that are flooding my mind from EMDR are sad. Things that break my heart to know about myself. I had a memory of my friend cutting my hair, which isn’t so bad, right? Cause didn’t everyone either do the cutting or get the cut, when you were little?? LOL

My mom was ANGRY about it and even though she was a hairdresser, she was horrified! A few weeks after the “haircut”, I auditioned for the role of Gretl, in the Sound of Music. I was 6 years old, knew every line and song. My friend, who cut my hair, was auditioning as well. The director took my mom aside and told her if my hair had been longer, they would have cast me as Gretl. He did offer to let me the role of  Kurt, but my mom refused saying I was not going to be a BOY! My friend was awarded the role of Gretl and I was rejected.

That was heartbreaking to remember. Then I couldn’t get this picture out of my head. It took me two days to locate it online, since I don’t still have the original.That same friend and her mom brought this over to my house one day after the audition. It was supposed to make me feel better, but it was only a painful reminder of what I didn’t get…

Today’s session was full of fear by my teenage part, Kat and left me feeling so responsible for how she was feeling. It’s like the feeling you have as a mom, when your child suffers something and you wish you could have been there to protect them. I feel as if I’ve failed my boys throughout their growing up years, by not being there for them. I AM NOT a “helicopter mom”…

but there have been times I’ve felt responsible for not keeping them as safe as I’d liked. I guess most mom’s go through this. Having parts is like a whole other family to take care of.  I want desperately to protect them, like they protected me. Especially since I have so much awareness of their presence.

She shared about me working 2 years ago for a lady, at the time we thought we kind and generous, but turn outs she was completely unsafe! She had grown up in a family that was deep into the occult, she had experienced horrible abuse because of it, and developed DID to manage the trauma (which she denies she has). We met through a mutual friend, she seemed nice, and needed help in her business. She painted homes, and lucky for her, I grew up in a family of painters too.

What I didn’t realize, in the 3 months I worked there, she sought out my parts, one by one. She was not “free”, like she said she was, from her past. On many occasions I saw her switching, acting very obscure, and feeling extremely fearful the more I was around her. My son was also working for her too. He is a big, strong, young man; I always felt safer while her was there. It didn’t take long, however, for her to separate us on a daily basis. She had a plan, not sure exactly, but I can only speculate- and it wasn’t good.

Most days I don’t remember being there as I was switching too. She had my young parts scared to death and tried to bond with my teenage parts. Of course, Kat, my fun, partier, addiction driven, teen, was an easy target for her. She used all of Kat’s behaviors against her.  She had Kat so confused and afraid. They would drink after work and talk about the past. This lady had so much information on me and was using it daily to make me feel crazy.

I remember during those 3 months, canceling therapy so many times, or calling my therapist crying from a job site because I was so afraid. My therapist, (un)fortunately, had prior knowledge of this lady and her family. Once my T figured it out, she advised me to look for other employment. I knew she was right, but I felt trapped, the money was good and it seemed very flexible. At the time, I was blinded by what she was doing, just like my parts.

Yesterday in session, Kat shared about the ways this lady worked on her, the lies she told Kat, the things she wanted her to know, things that would make her fearful. Oh and it worked! Kat shook the entire session as she spoke about her horrible ordeal. I felt absolutely helpless, listening to her cry, hearing the fear in her voice and asking if this was going to happen again. My T and I knew she hadn’t done any work around this area, like the other’s have; I just didn’t expect so much emotion from her.

Like usual, I left there early, and wanted to run! I felt so bad. Why did I let this horrible woman into my life and scare the hell out of my parts?? I should have known better. I suck as a mom- 2x! Thankfully, my T was very reassuring and encouraging to me. She followed me out to my car and basically “talked me off the limb”. I am blessed that she is supportive and caring. She is very knowledgeable of the things Kat was sharing. She helped her see that that lady in no longer in our lives and cannot hurt us. I’m grateful for the comfort I’ve experienced through me therapist. I’ve never been around or heard of this type of abuse before.

I hurt for those of you, who’s blogs I read, have endured such horrific abuse. I am so sorry!

“I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy’s going to be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning”

It has been about 2wks since I’ve posted anything. After my extremely long session on that Saturday, I have been worn out and somewhat depressed. Maybe it was because I was hoping to have some reconciliation with my friend and the possibility to return to work. None of which happened, so I decided to move on and pursue other options.

I started working for some people who have over 500 acres of property. I’m doing outside work- weeding, mowing, trimming thousand of trees, clearly land of many things. It’s good money, flexible hours, but incredibly hard work. I was bitten twice in the arm by a brown recluse spider, got poison ivy or oak on my other arm and have cuts and bruises from limbs falling on me. Running a pull saw and chain saw, can be exciting and fun but also back-breaking. I’m in great shape, however this kind of work for a 48 yr old is not easy. Geesh!

I’m overly grateful for the work and the flexibility of the this job. It’s not what I wanted or looked forward to doing and that makes it depressing for me. My previous job gave me hope that I could actually be “somebody” again. I had two successful careers prior to starting therapy (5 years ago), but couldn’t continue with the latter of the two. I have experienced some emotional breakdowns over leaving my last job. I’m sad and have no control over it at the same time.

There had also been the rupture with my therapist, which has now been worked through. That was absolutely unraveling to all of us. We have worked hard to repair that relationship. The suicide plan (my teenage part) that failed-thank the Lord- was a lot to work through. All this without my support system made these things seem worse than it should have been.  But we are moving forward!

One thing that stuck out to me when reading the current blogs on here, was how much growth, self-care, and speaking up of personal needs has taken place by all of you, within the last year. It was profoundly comforting in reading the progress- steps, big & small, and how you are saying what you need, of so many blogs! WAY TO GO!! I am encouraged by YOU all! To be able to walk away from the “things, people, events, etc” in our lives, because now we know  we have a voice and we don’t have to live that way anymore….that deserves a standing ovation to the highest degree! We’ve been strong enough to say, “No”, “I don’t want this”,  “I need ______”,  I am good enough, I am strong, I deserve better…

It brings to tears to my eyes, as I type this out. I don’t know any of you, probably never will. 😦 One thing is for certain: I have been changed by you…for the good!

I am honored to be in your lives, but more than that, you are in mine! Thank you! I am posting a song from the musical, Wicked. It’s a song called “For Good”.  The line in the song that makes me think about what we all do for each other, goes like this, “Because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.”

“For Good” from Wicked

This is my first week to be alone at home. Last week my husband was on vacation- every time he takes a vacation, something bad happens. We are 3 for 3 on bad things happening during his week of vacation. I’m grateful that all 3 times he has been home for me; clearly all the bad has happened to me! Anyway, last week was my first week to be out of work and dealing with the loss of my support team. I was glad he was there because I felt very lost and unable to keep my inside community feeling safe. My teenage parts are taking the upfront role, while I have spent lots of time dissociated. I realize this is a huge step back in our progress and I’m struggling to gain control.

Kat is cutting, binging/purging, drinking, smoking… and B is angry that I can’t get her to stop. The little ones don’t understand all the commotion and I don’t know what to do with anything. When the rug got yanked out from under me, it was like I lost all sense of what I was doing, where we were going, the progress that was being made. So many questions and no answers. Honestly, I will probably never get the answers I’m looking for. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like my life (after my DID diagnosis)  was making this turn for the better, but this happened.

I’m sick of talking about what happened in therapy too…no point! My T thinks this whole thing is absolutely crazy and she is shocked by the behaviors of the people involved. I agree, and I know she isn’t just saying that because I’m her client (of course I had to ask though). We need to move forward, but the unraveling inside has me questioning, second-guessing myself, feeling like I am the biggest FAILURE and taking the responsibility of all of this! I know I’m not to blame. I’ve owned my part, apologized and asked for forgiveness. But dang! This has to be the most immature thing I’ve dealt with in a long time.

Now here I am on the evening before therapy tomorrow and I don’t want to go. Why? I really don’t know. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, but I want to disappear. Dying sounds like a great alternative to the chaos. I hope I don’t wake up in the mornings, that if I get in my car someone will smash into me. This sounds horribly wrong, I know, I’m just keeping it real and honest! I’ve thought about contacting my family again because at least I know what to expect from them. Shocking, even seeing it being typed out in front of me.

How do I get out of this slump, pit, darkness?? Go to therapy, talk about it….blah, blah, blah! She will say, “You don’t want to do any of those things, nothing will be gained, you have endured worse things than this, you can do this too, trust God in all things, He has a plan, He has good things for your life, you don’t want to hurt the inside parts like this,  your husband and boys love you too much.” Yes, all this is truth and I know it, but why can’t I shake this??

We have made such great progress in the last 5 years! My parts were sharing, working together, we were using EMDR- successfully, we were moving through at a rapid pace even though it was exhausting- I was feeling very hopeful. I want to get back to the place I was 2 weeks ago….God please help me! This can’t be how it ends….