Don’t you just love when you think one way, but your reactions go a different way? It’s like total confusion happening in my head. Somewhere in there I think, “I got this; I’m going to make it; nothing to worry about here!” Then reality comes zooming in, without warning, to say, “Well, not so fast.” Then I’m like, “What the hell is happening here?” One would think, after 5 years of therapy, I could do a better job at handling my therapist going on vacation.

Actually, I have done much better in the past year, but because of the timing of her vacation this week, I’m not doing so well. I can’t really process things with my husband or friends because it triggers migraines. Kat, my teenage part, has these coping mechanisms down to a science. She doesn’t want to talk; we need to talk. I want to help her; she doesn’t want help. We need to work through these memories and flashbacks; she isn’t interested in bringing it all back up again.

Now, I know I can contact my therapist…she is really great that way. She always leaves that door open after my last sessions, before she takes off. I’m grateful for her generosity and kindness, but I’m prideful. It is so hard for me to reach out to her, even in an email. So since last Wednesday, I’ve struggled with migraines, sadness, drinking, feeling very disconnected from my inside community and my outside support. I have no one to blame but myself; I know and SHIT!