This past week after my EMDR session, we learned that we have another part that has not yet surfaced. We knew there may be a possibility a few months ago, but nothing ever came about from that session. This week during my Tuesday session, little Cathy, my newest part, came out for maybe 5-10 minutes. She clearly holds all responsibility and fault of the things that have taken place throughout my life. She is 6 yrs. old, but appears to know an incredibly amount of information. She doesn’t trust adults, me, and hasn’t made contact with the others inside.
It makes me sad that she has been alone for so long. The switch from me to her was very difficult, almost like it was in the beginning of my diagnosis of DID. She carries the negative cognition we worked on in EMDR: “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” Each part of me shares this “responsibility” piece, but she “is” the responsibility!
During this past Friday session, my therapist and I discussed a dream I had the night before (which connected with Cathy) and the notes from our EMDR session. Little Cathy surfaced once again, very quiet, uneasy and scared. She spent a little time talking to my T, which is good, but she clearly doesn’t trust her at all. She is stuck in a place a long time ago. A time where adults can’t be trusted, blame her for everything, and hold her responsible for anything that includes her, or not….
I didn’t get to hear the discussion, which seems to be normal when new parts surface. They seem to be in that protective mode still, and keep me from listening. This is all positive in regards to her feeling safe enough to talk, even if she doesn’t trust. It will probably take longer than what I’d like, but I trust, like every other time, God will reign and work in His timing.
I know doing EMDR is a process where information comes up faster than “talk therapy” and it seems to undo most of us that have DID. Because we have so much going on inside, hearing new information all the time, from lots of parts of ourselves, it can be overwhelming and exhausting. When you use EMDR on top of that, in makes for a faster pace and that can be more than a person can handle at times. My opinion of EMDR and DID is that if you tried it too soon or early on in the diagnosis, it could be harming to the client and their parts. Other’s may not agree, but it happened to me. It is nothing short of a miracle that I would even attempt it again. I’m glad I did and it’s been effective.
My T and I are working incredibly hard at keeping things at a “normal” pace, which we call the fast track. LOL! My session Friday, even though difficult and exhausting, was also encouraging. We are making progress, slow, but still it’s progress.
I spent the evening “away”, which doesn’t happen as often these day. I had this sick feeling inside that I was unable to reach Cathy, bring her to the present day, and help her see we are all safe. I know this all takes time, but it was heart-breaking for me. Lots of tears and time away is hard on me, but I can’t imagine being stuck in a time where she feels fault, guilt and total responsibility. I hate for myself when I do it, but I’m not a child…