Monthly Archives: September 2016

Hurt, Shame and Anger

What a cycle of shit that has become! I don’t know where one ends and the other begins. I’m guessing, for me, it’s anger first. My mind doesn’t know what to do with anger, because I’ve always told myself, “Anger is bad, you can’t be angry.” So I move quickly into feeling hurt; I don’t like feeling hurt, it’s powerless and overwhelming. That is followed by shame; shame sneaks up on me and says, “I am bad because I got mad and now I feel hurt.” The trio, working together, takes me out! I find myself struggling to stay present most of the time.

This cycle started Friday after my therapy and I can’t seem to shake it after 4 days. Ugh! I want to “go away inside” and hide from the world. Let another part take over- they seem to be better at this shit than me! I feel so immature with these feelings. I hate that, more than I’d like to admit.

I Hate Country Music, but…

I know what you’re thinking…what does this have to do with anything?? I know, right? Why would you care if I like country music, why would it matter and what’s that got to do with this post? Well, hold on to yur hats cowboys, cuz im bout to tell ya’ll… (that is my best country talk, right there). 

giphy

There is this country song, Backwards, by Rascal Flatts, which I remember from watching The Hannah Montana: The Movie, with my boys. I didn’t know at the time who Rascal Flatts was or that this song would end up in my blog one day.

I have been sharing about the loss I’ve been experiencing since my birthday in July. It was horribly painful and I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be or if restoration would happen. This past week, God has restored my friendships, my job is available- if I want to return, my issues concerning my therapist and the blindsides I’ve experienced have been worked through. Whew! He’s also revealed to me why my personal boundaries are so important and why we need them to be and stay healthy.

I am grateful, blessed and humbled by what God does in my life on a daily basis. It’s times like these that I can step back and see His hand in absolutely everything. Did I like what happened? NO! Did it happen for a reason? YES! The people involved, individually (including myself), needed to work through personal issues in order for us to come to this place. I didn’t know how I would explain all of this, so I thought, hmmmm, I think there’s a song.

I’m attaching the link, but I thought it would be fun to change the words leading into the chorus. I hope you enjoy! The original lyrics are on the left and my newly, revised, lyrics are on the right…

Backwards

You get your house back                                                               You get your job back
You get your dog back                                                                   You get your desk back
You get your best friend Jack back                         You get your “damn therapist” friends back
You get your truck back                                                                 You get your hope back

You get your hair back                                                                 Your broken heart back
You get your first and second jobs back               You get your first and second chance back
Your front porch swing                                                                 Your skin is free  

Your bling, bling, bling and a diamond ring   From the injuries, the spider bites & poison ivy

You get your farm, and the barn                                              You leave the farm and the barn 
And the boat, and the Harley                                                    And the house and mower
And that old black cat named Charlie                                    And my life is gonna feel fuller

It sounds a little crazy                                                                It sounds a little crazy
A little scattered and absurd                                                    A little scattered and absurd
But that’s what you get                                                             But that’s what you get
When you play a country song backwards                          When you trust in God and His Word

giphy1

I haven’t made any official decision about the job; I’m still praying about all of those things. I’m excited to think about going back and doing a job I love! My first priority is to myself and the precious parts of me. My job is to protect them, have them trust I can make healthy choices for all of us and keep them safe. I have grown in new ways these past few months and I’m thankful for what I’ve learned.

 

New Part Emerges

This past week after my EMDR session, we learned that we have another part that has not yet surfaced. We knew there may be a possibility a few months ago, but nothing ever came about from that session. This week during my Tuesday session, little Cathy, my newest part, came out for maybe 5-10 minutes. She clearly holds all responsibility and fault of the things that have taken place throughout my life. She is 6 yrs. old, but appears to know an incredibly amount of information. She doesn’t trust adults, me, and hasn’t made contact with the others inside.

It makes me sad that she has been alone for so long. The switch from me to her was very difficult, almost like it was in the beginning of my diagnosis of DID. She carries the negative cognition we worked on in EMDR: “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” Each part of me shares this “responsibility” piece, but she “is” the responsibility!

During this past Friday session, my therapist and I discussed a dream I had the night before (which connected with Cathy) and the notes from our EMDR session. Little Cathy surfaced once again, very quiet, uneasy and scared. She spent a little time talking to my T, which is good, but she clearly doesn’t trust her at all. She is stuck in a place a long time ago. A time where adults can’t be trusted, blame her for everything, and hold her responsible for anything that includes her, or not….

I didn’t get to hear the discussion, which seems to be normal when new parts surface. They seem to be in that protective mode still, and keep me from listening. This is all positive in regards to her feeling safe enough to talk, even if she doesn’t trust. It will probably take longer than what I’d like, but I trust, like every other time, God will reign and work in His timing.

I know doing EMDR is a process where information comes up faster than “talk therapy” and it seems to undo most of us that have DID. Because we have so much going on inside, hearing new information all the time, from lots of parts of ourselves, it can be overwhelming and exhausting. When you use EMDR on top of that, in makes for a faster pace and that can be more than a person can handle at times. My opinion of EMDR and DID is that if you tried it too soon or early on in the diagnosis, it could be harming to the client and their parts. Other’s may not agree, but it happened to me. It is nothing short of a miracle that I would even attempt it again. I’m glad I did and it’s been effective.

My T and I are working incredibly hard at keeping things at a “normal” pace, which we call the fast track. LOL! My session Friday, even though difficult and exhausting, was also encouraging. We are making progress, slow, but still it’s progress.

I spent the evening “away”, which doesn’t happen as often these day. I had this sick feeling inside that I was unable to reach Cathy, bring her to the present day, and help her see we are all safe. I know this all takes time, but it was heart-breaking for me. Lots of tears and time away is hard on me, but I can’t imagine being stuck in a time  where she feels fault, guilt and total responsibility. I hate for myself when I do it, but I’m not a child…