Why is it, the night before therapy, we become very panicky?? After 5 years of this, you’d think I would handle it better. There has been so much happening: information that fills my mind after EMDR on Friday, my dad’s bday was in the middle of all that and I’ve been hurt once again at the “plantation” job. It’s like, why bother going? I don’t know where to begin with the swirling memories, the dreams that make no sense and potential new part that refuses to be “seen”. All of it makes me sad and confused.
I know going is the best thing; we always get through something and I ultimately feel better. I’ve been having strange dreams about me T, not sure why. It’s like a mask keeps being pulled off of her and revealing things I don’t want to know. It makes no sense, and I don’t really know what is being revealed. Ugh! I don’t want to tell her about the dream; I’m sure it would be helpful, if I did.
The childhood memories that are flooding my mind from EMDR are sad. Things that break my heart to know about myself. I had a memory of my friend cutting my hair, which isn’t so bad, right? Cause didn’t everyone either do the cutting or get the cut, when you were little?? LOL
My mom was ANGRY about it and even though she was a hairdresser, she was horrified! A few weeks after the “haircut”, I auditioned for the role of Gretl, in the Sound of Music. I was 6 years old, knew every line and song. My friend, who cut my hair, was auditioning as well. The director took my mom aside and told her if my hair had been longer, they would have cast me as Gretl. He did offer to let me the role of Kurt, but my mom refused saying I was not going to be a BOY! My friend was awarded the role of Gretl and I was rejected.
That was heartbreaking to remember. Then I couldn’t get this picture out of my head. It took me two days to locate it online, since I don’t still have the original.That same friend and her mom brought this over to my house one day after the audition. It was supposed to make me feel better, but it was only a painful reminder of what I didn’t get…