Today’s session was full of fear by my teenage part, Kat and left me feeling so responsible for how she was feeling. It’s like the feeling you have as a mom, when your child suffers something and you wish you could have been there to protect them. I feel as if I’ve failed my boys throughout their growing up years, by not being there for them. I AM NOT a “helicopter mom”…
but there have been times I’ve felt responsible for not keeping them as safe as I’d liked. I guess most mom’s go through this. Having parts is like a whole other family to take care of. I want desperately to protect them, like they protected me. Especially since I have so much awareness of their presence.
She shared about me working 2 years ago for a lady, at the time we thought we kind and generous, but turn outs she was completely unsafe! She had grown up in a family that was deep into the occult, she had experienced horrible abuse because of it, and developed DID to manage the trauma (which she denies she has). We met through a mutual friend, she seemed nice, and needed help in her business. She painted homes, and lucky for her, I grew up in a family of painters too.
What I didn’t realize, in the 3 months I worked there, she sought out my parts, one by one. She was not “free”, like she said she was, from her past. On many occasions I saw her switching, acting very obscure, and feeling extremely fearful the more I was around her. My son was also working for her too. He is a big, strong, young man; I always felt safer while her was there. It didn’t take long, however, for her to separate us on a daily basis. She had a plan, not sure exactly, but I can only speculate- and it wasn’t good.
Most days I don’t remember being there as I was switching too. She had my young parts scared to death and tried to bond with my teenage parts. Of course, Kat, my fun, partier, addiction driven, teen, was an easy target for her. She used all of Kat’s behaviors against her. She had Kat so confused and afraid. They would drink after work and talk about the past. This lady had so much information on me and was using it daily to make me feel crazy.
I remember during those 3 months, canceling therapy so many times, or calling my therapist crying from a job site because I was so afraid. My therapist, (un)fortunately, had prior knowledge of this lady and her family. Once my T figured it out, she advised me to look for other employment. I knew she was right, but I felt trapped, the money was good and it seemed very flexible. At the time, I was blinded by what she was doing, just like my parts.
Yesterday in session, Kat shared about the ways this lady worked on her, the lies she told Kat, the things she wanted her to know, things that would make her fearful. Oh and it worked! Kat shook the entire session as she spoke about her horrible ordeal. I felt absolutely helpless, listening to her cry, hearing the fear in her voice and asking if this was going to happen again. My T and I knew she hadn’t done any work around this area, like the other’s have; I just didn’t expect so much emotion from her.
Like usual, I left there early, and wanted to run! I felt so bad. Why did I let this horrible woman into my life and scare the hell out of my parts?? I should have known better. I suck as a mom- 2x! Thankfully, my T was very reassuring and encouraging to me. She followed me out to my car and basically “talked me off the limb”. I am blessed that she is supportive and caring. She is very knowledgeable of the things Kat was sharing. She helped her see that that lady in no longer in our lives and cannot hurt us. I’m grateful for the comfort I’ve experienced through me therapist. I’ve never been around or heard of this type of abuse before.
I hurt for those of you, who’s blogs I read, have endured such horrific abuse. I am so sorry!