“I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy’s going to be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning”
It has been about 2wks since I’ve posted anything. After my extremely long session on that Saturday, I have been worn out and somewhat depressed. Maybe it was because I was hoping to have some reconciliation with my friend and the possibility to return to work. None of which happened, so I decided to move on and pursue other options.
I started working for some people who have over 500 acres of property. I’m doing outside work- weeding, mowing, trimming thousand of trees, clearly land of many things. It’s good money, flexible hours, but incredibly hard work. I was bitten twice in the arm by a brown recluse spider, got poison ivy or oak on my other arm and have cuts and bruises from limbs falling on me. Running a pull saw and chain saw, can be exciting and fun but also back-breaking. I’m in great shape, however this kind of work for a 48 yr old is not easy. Geesh!
I’m overly grateful for the work and the flexibility of the this job. It’s not what I wanted or looked forward to doing and that makes it depressing for me. My previous job gave me hope that I could actually be “somebody” again. I had two successful careers prior to starting therapy (5 years ago), but couldn’t continue with the latter of the two. I have experienced some emotional breakdowns over leaving my last job. I’m sad and have no control over it at the same time.
There had also been the rupture with my therapist, which has now been worked through. That was absolutely unraveling to all of us. We have worked hard to repair that relationship. The suicide plan (my teenage part) that failed-thank the Lord- was a lot to work through. All this without my support system made these things seem worse than it should have been. But we are moving forward!
One thing that stuck out to me when reading the current blogs on here, was how much growth, self-care, and speaking up of personal needs has taken place by all of you, within the last year. It was profoundly comforting in reading the progress- steps, big & small, and how you are saying what you need, of so many blogs! WAY TO GO!! I am encouraged by YOU all! To be able to walk away from the “things, people, events, etc” in our lives, because now we know we have a voice and we don’t have to live that way anymore….that deserves a standing ovation to the highest degree! We’ve been strong enough to say, “No”, “I don’t want this”, “I need ______”, I am good enough, I am strong, I deserve better…
It brings to tears to my eyes, as I type this out. I don’t know any of you, probably never will. 😦 One thing is for certain: I have been changed by you…for the good!
I am honored to be in your lives, but more than that, you are in mine! Thank you! I am posting a song from the musical, Wicked. It’s a song called “For Good”. The line in the song that makes me think about what we all do for each other, goes like this, “Because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.”