This is my first week to be alone at home. Last week my husband was on vacation- every time he takes a vacation, something bad happens. We are 3 for 3 on bad things happening during his week of vacation. I’m grateful that all 3 times he has been home for me; clearly all the bad has happened to me! Anyway, last week was my first week to be out of work and dealing with the loss of my support team. I was glad he was there because I felt very lost and unable to keep my inside community feeling safe. My teenage parts are taking the upfront role, while I have spent lots of time dissociated. I realize this is a huge step back in our progress and I’m struggling to gain control.
Kat is cutting, binging/purging, drinking, smoking… and B is angry that I can’t get her to stop. The little ones don’t understand all the commotion and I don’t know what to do with anything. When the rug got yanked out from under me, it was like I lost all sense of what I was doing, where we were going, the progress that was being made. So many questions and no answers. Honestly, I will probably never get the answers I’m looking for. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like my life (after my DID diagnosis) was making this turn for the better, but this happened.
I’m sick of talking about what happened in therapy too…no point! My T thinks this whole thing is absolutely crazy and she is shocked by the behaviors of the people involved. I agree, and I know she isn’t just saying that because I’m her client (of course I had to ask though). We need to move forward, but the unraveling inside has me questioning, second-guessing myself, feeling like I am the biggest FAILURE and taking the responsibility of all of this! I know I’m not to blame. I’ve owned my part, apologized and asked for forgiveness. But dang! This has to be the most immature thing I’ve dealt with in a long time.
Now here I am on the evening before therapy tomorrow and I don’t want to go. Why? I really don’t know. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, but I want to disappear. Dying sounds like a great alternative to the chaos. I hope I don’t wake up in the mornings, that if I get in my car someone will smash into me. This sounds horribly wrong, I know, I’m just keeping it real and honest! I’ve thought about contacting my family again because at least I know what to expect from them. Shocking, even seeing it being typed out in front of me.
How do I get out of this slump, pit, darkness?? Go to therapy, talk about it….blah, blah, blah! She will say, “You don’t want to do any of those things, nothing will be gained, you have endured worse things than this, you can do this too, trust God in all things, He has a plan, He has good things for your life, you don’t want to hurt the inside parts like this, your husband and boys love you too much.” Yes, all this is truth and I know it, but why can’t I shake this??
We have made such great progress in the last 5 years! My parts were sharing, working together, we were using EMDR- successfully, we were moving through at a rapid pace even though it was exhausting- I was feeling very hopeful. I want to get back to the place I was 2 weeks ago….God please help me! This can’t be how it ends….