Why is it, the night before therapy, we become very panicky?? After 5 years of this, you’d think I would handle it better. There has been so much happening: information that fills my mind after EMDR on Friday, my dad’s bday was in the middle of all that and I’ve been hurt once again at the “plantation” job. It’s like, why bother going? I don’t know where to begin with the swirling memories, the dreams that make no sense and potential new part that refuses to be “seen”. All of it makes me sad and confused.
I know going is the best thing; we always get through something and I ultimately feel better. I’ve been having strange dreams about me T, not sure why. It’s like a mask keeps being pulled off of her and revealing things I don’t want to know. It makes no sense, and I don’t really know what is being revealed. Ugh! I don’t want to tell her about the dream; I’m sure it would be helpful, if I did.
The childhood memories that are flooding my mind from EMDR are sad. Things that break my heart to know about myself. I had a memory of my friend cutting my hair, which isn’t so bad, right? Cause didn’t everyone either do the cutting or get the cut, when you were little?? LOL
My mom was ANGRY about it and even though she was a hairdresser, she was horrified! A few weeks after the “haircut”, I auditioned for the role of Gretl, in the Sound of Music. I was 6 years old, knew every line and song. My friend, who cut my hair, was auditioning as well. The director took my mom aside and told her if my hair had been longer, they would have cast me as Gretl. He did offer to let me the role of Kurt, but my mom refused saying I was not going to be a BOY! My friend was awarded the role of Gretl and I was rejected.
That was heartbreaking to remember. Then I couldn’t get this picture out of my head. It took me two days to locate it online, since I don’t still have the original.That same friend and her mom brought this over to my house one day after the audition. It was supposed to make me feel better, but it was only a painful reminder of what I didn’t get…
As with many of my posts, it takes me several days to actually publish what I’ve written. Things seem to change so quickly in my world; I feel like I’ve been swirling, waiting for the ride to stop. I know this is a normal reaction with EMDR. You continue to get more and more information afterwards. It’s difficult with having DID, because you already have so many bits and pieces swirling inside; you don’t need to feel like you’ve been on the Tilt-A-Whirl too!!
During my Friday, long session, we did EMDR for the second time. I was the primary subject and my negative cognition was, “If something bad/wrong happens and I’m involved, I believe it’s all my fault and take full responsibility.” I have always taken the blame for things that have happened to us. I’m sure because of my past, the abuse, and how it was projected onto me it’s been my way of thinking-always. Being aware that I do this is one thing, trying to resolve the issue, is quite another.
My ‘damn therapist’ friend, came to my session and joined my T and myself for what turned out to be 2 hours of EMDR and intense emotions. I was overwhelmed with the things it was bringing up from my past: anger, sadness, hurt, and lots of tears. I wasn’t able to get to a place of calm, even my calm place made me cry. I felt so undeserving of my “island getaway” that I couldn’t even continue. My friend would never end EMDR this way in a session, but she knew I wanted to stop and spend some time talking with my T. In the final last hour with my T, together we got me to a place where I could feel okay to leave.
I always know when things don’t go as well in therapy when my T tells me she will be available if I need to contact her later. I’m extremely grateful that she allows that, but always hoping we won’t need it either. On Friday’s, after therapy, I get a massage. It has become a huge self-care piece for me. It has taken me years to be able to get a massage (for obvious reasons), and now it has been significantly healing. However, I completely zoned out somewhere in the middle and switched. I found out later, my teenage part, B, had gone back to see my therapist. Interestingly, she is my tough, bad ass, take control, get things done, part of me and knowing she went back to talk was a bit shocking. B has grown and matured so much; she wanted to discuss some of the things she learned about herself in EMDR. Most notably, “I can’t fix everything”!!!!! OMG, that was HUGE! What a break-through for her and myself. I was so stinkin’ proud of her!! 🙂
My therapist had shared with me about their conversation and we both felt like this was an extremely beneficial session. Not only for me, but for others inside. I am realizing there is still information I am unaware of. I believe that my T and B talked about it on the steps of her office. These are the things with EMDR that keep downloading in my head, while I’m trying to make sense of it all.
I’ve been journaling, and trying to keep myself distracted, which isn’t really working. My dad’s birthday is today; that is painful all on it’s own. He has hurt us in so many ways and I don’t want to give him any head-space, whatsoever. But it keeps invading my mind, thinking, and memories all at the same time.
Overall, it was an encouraging and beneficial session. I will probably do this again on Friday. Hopefully, I will have more information and a little more closure on things. It is a risky tool to use with DID, but at this point in my healing, I think it is needed. It is also being done by a gifted, seasoned and caring therapist, who is my friend. She would never put me in a situation that would be harmful…my own T wouldn’t allow that either! I am blessed to have two people who care so deeply about me. Makes me cry just typing it out!
Today’s session was full of fear by my teenage part, Kat and left me feeling so responsible for how she was feeling. It’s like the feeling you have as a mom, when your child suffers something and you wish you could have been there to protect them. I feel as if I’ve failed my boys throughout their growing up years, by not being there for them. I AM NOT a “helicopter mom”…
but there have been times I’ve felt responsible for not keeping them as safe as I’d liked. I guess most mom’s go through this. Having parts is like a whole other family to take care of. I want desperately to protect them, like they protected me. Especially since I have so much awareness of their presence.
She shared about me working 2 years ago for a lady, at the time we thought we kind and generous, but turn outs she was completely unsafe! She had grown up in a family that was deep into the occult, she had experienced horrible abuse because of it, and developed DID to manage the trauma (which she denies she has). We met through a mutual friend, she seemed nice, and needed help in her business. She painted homes, and lucky for her, I grew up in a family of painters too.
What I didn’t realize, in the 3 months I worked there, she sought out my parts, one by one. She was not “free”, like she said she was, from her past. On many occasions I saw her switching, acting very obscure, and feeling extremely fearful the more I was around her. My son was also working for her too. He is a big, strong, young man; I always felt safer while her was there. It didn’t take long, however, for her to separate us on a daily basis. She had a plan, not sure exactly, but I can only speculate- and it wasn’t good.
Most days I don’t remember being there as I was switching too. She had my young parts scared to death and tried to bond with my teenage parts. Of course, Kat, my fun, partier, addiction driven, teen, was an easy target for her. She used all of Kat’s behaviors against her. She had Kat so confused and afraid. They would drink after work and talk about the past. This lady had so much information on me and was using it daily to make me feel crazy.
I remember during those 3 months, canceling therapy so many times, or calling my therapist crying from a job site because I was so afraid. My therapist, (un)fortunately, had prior knowledge of this lady and her family. Once my T figured it out, she advised me to look for other employment. I knew she was right, but I felt trapped, the money was good and it seemed very flexible. At the time, I was blinded by what she was doing, just like my parts.
Yesterday in session, Kat shared about the ways this lady worked on her, the lies she told Kat, the things she wanted her to know, things that would make her fearful. Oh and it worked! Kat shook the entire session as she spoke about her horrible ordeal. I felt absolutely helpless, listening to her cry, hearing the fear in her voice and asking if this was going to happen again. My T and I knew she hadn’t done any work around this area, like the other’s have; I just didn’t expect so much emotion from her.
Like usual, I left there early, and wanted to run! I felt so bad. Why did I let this horrible woman into my life and scare the hell out of my parts?? I should have known better. I suck as a mom- 2x! Thankfully, my T was very reassuring and encouraging to me. She followed me out to my car and basically “talked me off the limb”. I am blessed that she is supportive and caring. She is very knowledgeable of the things Kat was sharing. She helped her see that that lady in no longer in our lives and cannot hurt us. I’m grateful for the comfort I’ve experienced through me therapist. I’ve never been around or heard of this type of abuse before.
I hurt for those of you, who’s blogs I read, have endured such horrific abuse. I am so sorry!
“I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy’s going to be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning”
It has been about 2wks since I’ve posted anything. After my extremely long session on that Saturday, I have been worn out and somewhat depressed. Maybe it was because I was hoping to have some reconciliation with my friend and the possibility to return to work. None of which happened, so I decided to move on and pursue other options.
I started working for some people who have over 500 acres of property. I’m doing outside work- weeding, mowing, trimming thousand of trees, clearly land of many things. It’s good money, flexible hours, but incredibly hard work. I was bitten twice in the arm by a brown recluse spider, got poison ivy or oak on my other arm and have cuts and bruises from limbs falling on me. Running a pull saw and chain saw, can be exciting and fun but also back-breaking. I’m in great shape, however this kind of work for a 48 yr old is not easy. Geesh!
I’m overly grateful for the work and the flexibility of the this job. It’s not what I wanted or looked forward to doing and that makes it depressing for me. My previous job gave me hope that I could actually be “somebody” again. I had two successful careers prior to starting therapy (5 years ago), but couldn’t continue with the latter of the two. I have experienced some emotional breakdowns over leaving my last job. I’m sad and have no control over it at the same time.
There had also been the rupture with my therapist, which has now been worked through. That was absolutely unraveling to all of us. We have worked hard to repair that relationship. The suicide plan (my teenage part) that failed-thank the Lord- was a lot to work through. All this without my support system made these things seem worse than it should have been. But we are moving forward!
One thing that stuck out to me when reading the current blogs on here, was how much growth, self-care, and speaking up of personal needs has taken place by all of you, within the last year. It was profoundly comforting in reading the progress- steps, big & small, and how you are saying what you need, of so many blogs! WAY TO GO!! I am encouraged by YOU all! To be able to walk away from the “things, people, events, etc” in our lives, because now we know we have a voice and we don’t have to live that way anymore….that deserves a standing ovation to the highest degree! We’ve been strong enough to say, “No”, “I don’t want this”, “I need ______”, I am good enough, I am strong, I deserve better…
It brings to tears to my eyes, as I type this out. I don’t know any of you, probably never will. 😦 One thing is for certain: I have been changed by you…for the good!
I am honored to be in your lives, but more than that, you are in mine! Thank you! I am posting a song from the musical, Wicked. It’s a song called “For Good”. The line in the song that makes me think about what we all do for each other, goes like this, “Because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.”
“Extreme and undesirable circumstances or situations can only be resolved by resorting to equally extreme actions; actions that might seem extreme under normal circumstances are appropriate during adversity.”
As I shared in my last post, I was completely undone by a blindsided experience. It was the proverbial ‘last straw’ in a series of events that have been going for the past 4 weeks. During therapy Friday, my 3 hour session was jam packed with my teenage part doing some incredibly hard work. Kat had walked out of therapy on Tuesday with every intention to end her life, which in turn means mine as well. When parts engage in active suicidal ideation, they need to understand that they aren’t the only ones affected by the action. We all will be victim to whatever is done.
Kat is my part that has several addictive behaviors and they have been extremely evident during these past 4 wks. It has been wearisome and heartbreaking for me to deal with the ways she harms herself. We had made some excellent progress and it was breaking my heart to see her suffer. Tuesday she was the lowest she’s ever been; she stood up to walk out of therapy, as she reached for the doorknob, she turned back, faced my therapist and said, “You have to let me go.” My T took her by the hands and said, “Absolutely not! Never, not going to happen; no!” They hugged and Kat walked out! My T was very worried but had another client waiting.
My T always hates when she doesn’t get to talk to ‘me’ during a session, especially in times like these. However, what we weren’t aware of, is that God had a plan for Kat. She walked to my car with every intention to take a bottle of pills followed by a bottle of vodka, but something within her shifted. She walked back into office, sat down in the waiting area, (since my T was in a session) and waited. While she sat there, she picked up a book, a devotional called, Jesus Today: Experience Hope Through His Presence.
She turned to that days devotional and read this: “Nothing can separate you from God’s love. When you are facing tough times, I will help you and strengthen you with My Love. Even though you live in a world where trouble is inescapable, you can be of good cheer because I have overcome the world!”
In that moment, God reached down and met Kat in her hopelessness. He saved her, all of us, from harm. God says in Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you. I will never desert you.” Grateful, thankful, blessed, are all I can say about what took place in that moment! God loves each and every part of me, period! He created a way for me to survive horrible abuse. Dissociation is a gift from God that allows people to cope when they would otherwise turn to suicide or mentally locked up because of the trauma. It is a lifesaving technique for survival.
When Kat returned to therapy on Friday, she apologized to my T and they were able to address the issues that surrounded her behaviors. I can’t put into words just how amazing my T was that day, actually she is amazing most days! It was a major step forward in Kat’s healing and us as a whole. And then I was blindside, once again, 2 hours later…
I went home, completely shut down, cried until I couldn’t breathe, told my husband I couldn’t do this again, wanted to die and asked him to call and admit me somewhere. I sent an email to my therapist, who unfortunately was involved in this blindside, and told her I wouldn’t be back. I was emotionally broken and exhausted. I thanked her for her incredible work with us all. Of course she was confused and wanted to get to the bottom of whatever the issue was. I didn’t respond and went to bed emotional, numb and extremely worn down. In the morning, she sent another email saying she didn’t agree with me- shocker! I had said it was my job to protect us all from enduring another blindside and from continuing on with therapy…she didn’t agree!
She said, “I don’t know why we can’t handle this like everything else: by me showing up, talking to parts affected, finding out what was done to me, so that we can dismantle it.” She had a few revelations and suggested we meet to discuss them in person- if I felt it was a good idea. It was Saturday; she was willing to meet me because allowing anything to get in the way of my progress wasn’t going to happen. I have no words for her kindness, care, generosity, grace and a willingness to fight for my freedom!
We started at 12:30PM and ended at 5:00PM…desperate times call for desperate measures! Together, we dug in, worked incredibly hard and didn’t quit until we unraveled every piece to this puzzle. All I can say is, thank you Jesus! I feel completely different today, like whatever was squeezing the life out of me, is gone! I’m hoping this chapter of my life is over and we can move forward in the healing process. Grateful, Thankful, Blessed!
I hate that feeling when you get blindsided! Good ol’ Webster defines blindsided as, to surprise or shock (someone) in a very unpleasant way. But what if the person(s) don’t intend for this to happen? What if you walk into this, “surprise or shock in a very unpleasant way?” I guess it’s still being blindsided…right??
Recently I’ve experience a few of these blindsides and it has been very undoing. I used to be someone who could handle these types of events. Now when they happen, not only is it happening to me, it’s happening to my inside community. I not only have to protect myself, but these precious parts as well. Because this it what if feels like…Sometimes the blindsides are on purpose, like the one in the gif above and other times, it just happens. In either case, you’re never really prepared. That is the piece that sucks! What do you do when you walk right into one, on accident. When tears fill your eyes and you feel this sickness in the pit of your stomach? You feel frozen, you can’t move, but you have to get away. Does that make you a coward? Is it your problem you can’t handle things? Is it okay to feel hurt by it? So many questions…all without an answer. And what if it is being done by someone you trust and care about? They are just doing life. But it just so happens that part of them doing life has had a negative affect on you!
I’m feeling knocked down today. Even after a pretty good therapy session. It’s weird how quickly things can change.
This is my first week to be alone at home. Last week my husband was on vacation- every time he takes a vacation, something bad happens. We are 3 for 3 on bad things happening during his week of vacation. I’m grateful that all 3 times he has been home for me; clearly all the bad has happened to me! Anyway, last week was my first week to be out of work and dealing with the loss of my support team. I was glad he was there because I felt very lost and unable to keep my inside community feeling safe. My teenage parts are taking the upfront role, while I have spent lots of time dissociated. I realize this is a huge step back in our progress and I’m struggling to gain control.
Kat is cutting, binging/purging, drinking, smoking… and B is angry that I can’t get her to stop. The little ones don’t understand all the commotion and I don’t know what to do with anything. When the rug got yanked out from under me, it was like I lost all sense of what I was doing, where we were going, the progress that was being made. So many questions and no answers. Honestly, I will probably never get the answers I’m looking for. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like my life (after my DID diagnosis) was making this turn for the better, but this happened.
I’m sick of talking about what happened in therapy too…no point! My T thinks this whole thing is absolutely crazy and she is shocked by the behaviors of the people involved. I agree, and I know she isn’t just saying that because I’m her client (of course I had to ask though). We need to move forward, but the unraveling inside has me questioning, second-guessing myself, feeling like I am the biggest FAILURE and taking the responsibility of all of this! I know I’m not to blame. I’ve owned my part, apologized and asked for forgiveness. But dang! This has to be the most immature thing I’ve dealt with in a long time.
Now here I am on the evening before therapy tomorrow and I don’t want to go. Why? I really don’t know. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, but I want to disappear. Dying sounds like a great alternative to the chaos. I hope I don’t wake up in the mornings, that if I get in my car someone will smash into me. This sounds horribly wrong, I know, I’m just keeping it real and honest! I’ve thought about contacting my family again because at least I know what to expect from them. Shocking, even seeing it being typed out in front of me.
How do I get out of this slump, pit, darkness?? Go to therapy, talk about it….blah, blah, blah! She will say, “You don’t want to do any of those things, nothing will be gained, you have endured worse things than this, you can do this too, trust God in all things, He has a plan, He has good things for your life, you don’t want to hurt the inside parts like this, your husband and boys love you too much.” Yes, all this is truth and I know it, but why can’t I shake this??
We have made such great progress in the last 5 years! My parts were sharing, working together, we were using EMDR- successfully, we were moving through at a rapid pace even though it was exhausting- I was feeling very hopeful. I want to get back to the place I was 2 weeks ago….God please help me! This can’t be how it ends….