Since my last post, I have lost my 3 closest friends (those damn therapist’s) which was a term of endearment, my job, and a little thing called trust. These ladies were not just friends, they were women who encouraged me- to get well, always seek God, and pursue my dreams. It has been devastating, to say the least.
The reason, you ask? Stupid! I made a mistake, did something wrong, apologized and said I was sorry and now here I am. Yes, there are many details around this, but that really is the basis for my loss of two friends, employers and a job. Why? I believe that when people choose to believe wrong information, they allow Satan to creep in and fill them with his lies and then those lies seem real. That is how this has happened for me. One of these people couldn’t get over my error. Instead of talking through it, like friends do, she chose the passive aggressive, punishing behavior and quit speaking to me. Makes for an uncomfortable work environment when I have to walk on eggshells every damn day!
At first it made me sad that she wouldn’t talk to me, that we couldn’t somehow work through this like mature adults. But a few days into this passive aggressive shit, I said enough! This is how I’ve grown up, this abuse is absolutely normal and familiar, but guess what?? I don’t have to stay and take it anymore. If she wants to believe the lies of the enemy- that is her problem. It really is shocking to me that she would think and feel this way about me. We’ve been through so much, she’s been an incredible friend; I guess the bottom lie is…don’t ever make a mistake around her. This is probably the most immature behavior I’ve seen from a professional, adult woman! Really unbelievable.
So for me to feel like I can start over again, find some christian friends to do life with, trust they won’t hurt me…not going to happen! I do know that God knew all this crap was going to happen and He promises good for my life. Nothing about this feels good-at all! I don’t even know what I’m going to do about a job. Those of us with DID, find it difficult to work in an environment that we can feel safe. I had that, and now it’s gone. I have said I’m sorry, please forgive me, all of it. I guess it will never be good enough. And I’m done!
I think any minute I’m going to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I had hoped last week, that any minute she would come down, apologize for her attitude towards me and we would pick up the pieces and move forward. That is no longer on the table. My other friend, in the same building, has been very encouraging and supportive through this whole nightmare. But the truth is, you know people say you will still be friends, life happens, you don’t see each other, and then it’s like you’ve never met. That makes me sad, but it’s reality.
Losing friends, mentors, people who get you (or so I thought), ones you’ve trust, no job…can it get any worse?? I certainly hope not.
My parts are scattered; I don’t have the energy to engage like I should. My teen part has fallen back into her unhealthy behaviors and I don’t know how to help her. No one wants to go therapy…shocker! I’m doing my best to keep a positive attitude, release this all to God and trust He will make a way, even when it appears there’s no way!
Sorry for the downer post. It’s been a shocking and difficult 2 weeks.