Living On…With Prayer

giphyIt’s been 2 weeks since my last post and I’m not quite sure what to say. Many things have transpired in a short period of time. Relationships I’ve mentioned before have taken another plunge, setting boundaries for myself has proven to be undoing for certain people, my T shared something that almost ended our therapy relationship and it’s my birthday tomorrow and I feel like shit! Life happens or as the old saying goes…

All I can do is be myself (selves :)), be honest about how I’m feeling, guard my heart, and pray that God would walk me through this, yet another storm. He is the only one I can trust at this point. He will never harm me because His promises are to love and bring good into my life. When we begin to trust others, which has been difficult, we will get hurt. People are human, non of us perfect, and we (intentionally or not) will hurt each other. Do we need people/family/ friends in our lives, of course. We cannot heal alone on an island isolated from the world. God created us to be in community with others. All I can do is give it to God, keep praying for the situation, and trust Him in the waiting.

As abuse victims, we have learned that we can choose whether or not toxic people are in our lives. We can forgive them, because really, it’s for our own healing and freedom to forgive. BUT, we don’t ever have to be around them, give them space, or communicate with them. Setting boundaries is hard for everyone! It is necessary for me to heal and grow. It would be easy to get in my imaginary boat, row out into the deep waters, find that secluded island, dock my boat and retreat there forever. I’ve done that before, plenty of times.

I want to learn how to stay present, even in the storm. I want to stand and allow God to cover me when the difficult storms of life come. I recently drew in my bible- a new outlet for me. As a perfectionist, it was hard to imagine me drawing, coloring, or writing in my bible. It has become an outlet for me to express how the Word of God is made real, in my own life. I drew how I saw/read the verse in Ezekiel 34:26,  I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing. I will post it at a later date…

As for today; I’m sad, confused and not really sure what happens next. The rupture with my T seems somewhat undone; more for me than her. I have to decide if starting over with someone new, after 5 years with her, is something I can do. Or do I push through this issue to finish. She is the best at working with DID; there is no question about that one. We have discussed it together in an hour session and she thinks we can make it through. She looked at it as a bump in the road; I saw more like the road collapsing, like a bad scene from a movie. giphy1

On a side note: I have missed you all, reading blogs, and staying connected. I know that is very important and probably why this has been extra difficult. I am grateful for this blog community and the connection, grace, support and encouragement I feel here. May you all be blessed abundantly more than you could ever ask or dare imagine!

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11 thoughts on “Living On…With Prayer

  1. Glad you are back. I did miss you. I figured you may be having a rough time right now. I am sorry so much has happened. Sounds like you have done a lot of hard work…setting boundaries, being honest….and others may not have been in it for the long haul. It is such big a loss, I imagine. Then, to have things up in the air with your therapist right in the middle of all this….wow, that is a big load. Glad you are tackling things head on instead of hiding from it or running from it.

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  2. First… Happy birthday!!!! Because you were born you have blessed many. You have helped others to move forward and not feel alone because of your writings and because you exist!!! So happy birthday!
    As for the therapist…can you go one more time and base your choice on that and just not make that choice now?
    You are so right about having boundaries and keeping toxic people away! Do you consider what your therapist said as toxic? Does she know how you felt about what she said?
    Hoping your day is better tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the birthday greeting! Top 3 worst Bday’s of my life…but I’m moving forward. 😦
      Yes, I spoke with my T twice and we have agreed it would be difficult to find someone else at this stage. She did not want that, nor feel it necessary. I’m trusting her and moving forward with therapy at this time. Thank you for your encouragement. I tend the do the “throw the baby out with bath water” saying. This is not an all or nothing, but an and/both step. I’ve gotten better at being honest with my T as to how I feel and things that have hurt me. Thankful she has shown grace and compassion toward me and our work together. These are the things that make us stronger and better people- when we can fight through the issues and miscommunication.
      Thank you for your encouragement and kindness!!

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      1. What a relief to hear that you talked with her and are ok to move forward. Thats really good news. You deserve grace and compassion so I’m so glad she is giving you that. Can you have a do-over birthday ? I did that one year! I was like, yeah this day sucked so we are trying again. So much pressure on the exact day too I always felt.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I was also glad to read an update, have been thinking and wondering how you’ve been. I’m sorry you had a rupture and that things are so tough right now. It is hard to know what “to do” when emotions are so heightened. I hope that whatever decision you come to, it brings you a bit of relief.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Thankfully my T has shown much grace and compassion. I can’t worry about what other people do, only myself. My desire to fix problems, especially if I have a part in it, is always a struggle. Have to stay away from toxic people, if I want to be well. Thanks for your sweet words! Hope all is going well with you, and that your trip was wonderful. I haven’t been reading the blog at all…

      Liked by 1 person

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