Monthly Archives: July 2016

Can Things Get Worse?

Since my last post, I have lost my 3 closest friends (those damn therapist’s) which was a term of endearment, my job, and a little thing called trust. These ladies were not just friends, they were women who encouraged me- to get well, always seek God, and pursue my dreams. It has been devastating, to say the least.

The reason, you ask? Stupid! I made a mistake, did something wrong, apologized and said I was sorry and now here I am. Yes, there are many details around this, but that really is the basis for my loss of two friends, employers and a job. Why? I believe that when people choose to believe wrong information, they allow Satan to creep in and fill them with his lies and then those lies seem real. That is how this has happened for me. One of these people couldn’t get over my error. Instead of talking through it, like friends do, she chose the passive aggressive, punishing behavior and quit speaking to me. Makes for an uncomfortable work environment when I have to walk on eggshells every damn day!

At first it made me sad that she wouldn’t talk to me, that we couldn’t somehow work through this like mature adults. But a few days into this passive aggressive shit, I said enough! This is how I’ve grown up, this abuse is absolutely normal and familiar, but guess what?? I don’t have to stay and take it anymore. If she wants to believe the lies of the enemy- that is her problem. It really is shocking to me that she would think and feel this way about me. We’ve been through so much, she’s been an incredible friend; I guess the bottom lie is…don’t ever make a mistake around her. This is probably the most immature behavior I’ve seen from a professional, adult woman!  Really unbelievable.

So for me to feel like I can start over again, find some christian friends to do life with, trust they won’t hurt me…not going to happen! I do know that God knew all this crap was going to happen and He promises good for my life. Nothing about this feels good-at all! I don’t even know what I’m going to do about a job. Those of us with DID, find it difficult to work in an environment that we can feel safe. I had that, and now it’s gone. I have said I’m sorry, please forgive me, all of it. I guess it will never be good enough. And I’m done!

I think any minute I’m going to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I had hoped last week, that any minute she would come down, apologize for her attitude towards me and we would pick up the pieces and move forward. That is no longer on the table. My other friend, in the same building, has been very encouraging and supportive through this whole nightmare. But the truth is, you know people say you will still be friends, life happens, you don’t see each other, and then it’s like you’ve never met. That makes me sad, but it’s reality.

Losing friends, mentors, people who get you (or so I thought), ones you’ve trust, no job…can it get any worse?? I certainly hope not.

My parts are scattered; I don’t have the energy to engage like I should. My teen part has fallen back into her unhealthy behaviors and I don’t know how to help her. No one wants to go therapy…shocker! I’m doing my best to keep a positive attitude, release this all to God and trust He will make a way, even when it appears there’s no way!

Sorry for the downer post. It’s been a shocking and difficult 2 weeks.

Living On…With Prayer

giphyIt’s been 2 weeks since my last post and I’m not quite sure what to say. Many things have transpired in a short period of time. Relationships I’ve mentioned before have taken another plunge, setting boundaries for myself has proven to be undoing for certain people, my T shared something that almost ended our therapy relationship and it’s my birthday tomorrow and I feel like shit! Life happens or as the old saying goes…

All I can do is be myself (selves :)), be honest about how I’m feeling, guard my heart, and pray that God would walk me through this, yet another storm. He is the only one I can trust at this point. He will never harm me because His promises are to love and bring good into my life. When we begin to trust others, which has been difficult, we will get hurt. People are human, non of us perfect, and we (intentionally or not) will hurt each other. Do we need people/family/ friends in our lives, of course. We cannot heal alone on an island isolated from the world. God created us to be in community with others. All I can do is give it to God, keep praying for the situation, and trust Him in the waiting.

As abuse victims, we have learned that we can choose whether or not toxic people are in our lives. We can forgive them, because really, it’s for our own healing and freedom to forgive. BUT, we don’t ever have to be around them, give them space, or communicate with them. Setting boundaries is hard for everyone! It is necessary for me to heal and grow. It would be easy to get in my imaginary boat, row out into the deep waters, find that secluded island, dock my boat and retreat there forever. I’ve done that before, plenty of times.

I want to learn how to stay present, even in the storm. I want to stand and allow God to cover me when the difficult storms of life come. I recently drew in my bible- a new outlet for me. As a perfectionist, it was hard to imagine me drawing, coloring, or writing in my bible. It has become an outlet for me to express how the Word of God is made real, in my own life. I drew how I saw/read the verse in Ezekiel 34:26,  I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing. I will post it at a later date…

As for today; I’m sad, confused and not really sure what happens next. The rupture with my T seems somewhat undone; more for me than her. I have to decide if starting over with someone new, after 5 years with her, is something I can do. Or do I push through this issue to finish. She is the best at working with DID; there is no question about that one. We have discussed it together in an hour session and she thinks we can make it through. She looked at it as a bump in the road; I saw more like the road collapsing, like a bad scene from a movie. giphy1

On a side note: I have missed you all, reading blogs, and staying connected. I know that is very important and probably why this has been extra difficult. I am grateful for this blog community and the connection, grace, support and encouragement I feel here. May you all be blessed abundantly more than you could ever ask or dare imagine!