Body Memories: Hard to Explain

Tuesday during therapy we addressed the bruises on the back of my calves. I was still having pain and they weren’t going away, which means K was not done talking about the memories. She was present for my 90 minute session and I got the 20 minutes that my T allowed me to go over (she didn’t have a client after). I’m truly grateful for my T, for many things, but for her generosity, especially in situations like this one.

K did the usual deflecting before she was ready to talk about what was left of this memory. It came down to her fear of sharing it with my husband. She shares in our relationship and was certain he would send us back to my family- dad! She didn’t want him to know, have a feeling about it, which makes her have a feeling too. K is one who loves a good time and for everyone to be “happy”…all the time!

That evening I was able to share with my husband about the events surrounding the memories and what had happened to K (and me). It was a time, many years ago, while we were back living with my parents; my husband and I had separated. I had thought he wanted some time to “think”, but I quickly learned he was having an affair. Two days after I moved out, my world came crashing down. It was easier to take my boys and move in with my parents, for what I was thinking was two weeks. It was one of those feelings you get when something doesn’t quite add up; I had tried to find him on the second day after we moved out because he wasn’t where he said he would be. That was when I learned about the affair and caught them together. My two week stay turned into 7 months (of hell) and I fought for 6 of those months to reconcile with him.  I won’t bore you with all the details…

I will say this: God is GOOD, He is so GOOD! He restored my marriage, and was able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.

However, the 7 months were not only an emotional roller coaster for me, my boys and our marriage; it was also more abuse at the hands of my dad. I had no idea until K had shared this a few sessions ago. My T suggested I share it with my husband, so he would know what took place. UGH! She was right; I needed to share it with my husband. This becomes a double-edged sword for me, as I have always chosen to not “rehearse the hurt”. Meaning, I have decided to not use what has happened as leverage to “get back at” or “throw it back in his face”, the past. I have forgiven him and we have worked incredibly hard to get through that horrible time. Of course there will always be consequences and sometimes life brings things back around, which is where we were this week.

My husband had no idea, was shocked, sick and angry about what I was sharing. We sat on the bed together, cried and he comforted not only me but K as well. It was a sweet moment to experience his reactions as a godly, humbled and remorseful man. Even though the abuse was not his fault, he felt absolutely horrible that we had to be there. I reminded him that it was news to me just recently. These are the difficult days of having DID; the days when you hear something so heinous, pernicious, and ungodly! I am grateful that my husband is my best friend, strongest support, and loves me unconditionally! His love for my community goes far beyond what I could have ever imagined. My T constantly comments that she rarely sees the love and support, like he shows me, with her other DID clients. Truly blessed and thankful for the way he has accepted all of this.

The next day, I was pain-free and the bruises began fading. I’ve been experiencing low level migraines, but none that have taken me out. Praying for healing and that K would feel comforted and free from the nightmares. I feel like we are turning a HUGE corner in this journey. That we (my parts and me) are merging together, healing, and finding freedom from the past. We are working together, listening to each other and growing in so many ways. I am learning about talents and abilities I had no idea I possessed. I am a better person because of each precious part of me; it is exciting stuff!

 

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