**Trigger Warning: Mention of rape
I have stopped and started this email everyday since my Friday session, almost 2 wks ago. I feel as though I can’t post because of the things that happened during EMDR…but why?? This community has been a huge gift from God. It is a place for me to openly share what is happening in my life, with DID, in therapy, how this journey looks in regards to how God sees me and how I’ve learned to trust Him along the way. You all have been such an incredible source of encouragement, support, care and insight. You get me, we get each other, we believe each other, we don’t have to explain ourselves, just be ourselves, and that is absolutely awe-inspiring. What a blessing you have all been…thank you!
With all that said, I want to finish what I’ve attempted since my last post. This information that was shared by my teenage part, B, was something new for me. One of the most difficult things about having DID is that, “you’re the last one to hear information”. Not always, but it seems to be the norm. I’m okay with that, but this information affects my current day relationships. It was shocking news, and at first I was incredibly angry, followed closely by deep sadness. I couldn’t understand why.
My close friend, and someone who has been a huge support for me from the beginning of my journey with DID, had (several years ago), looked up my college fiancé on Facebook. This guy had raped me in college, but because of my dissociation, I didn’t realize it until a part shared it in 2011 (23 years later). B shared it with this friend and at some point, she felt the need to look him up, request friendship, and apparently he accepted. I don’t know how long it lasted or what, if anything transpired between them. Why would anyone do such a thing? What could possibly be gained by contacting him. It’s not like he was going to say, “Oh, yes, I did rape her and do horrible, sexually abusive things to her while we were engaged. You have a problem with that?” * insert high sarcasm*
B shared during the EMDR session that this had happened and wanted me to be aware. It seems like it should be no big deal, it was in the past, it’s over, and no one really knew….right?? But now I do! It was a huge deal. I have tried to talk to this friend, recently, about some other boundary issues and ways she has hurt me by not believing me. It didn’t go well, it was dismissed, swept under the rug and responded “it was good I shared my feelings”??? Not a real, “I’m sorry for…”; but one that said, “I’m sorry, I thought you wouldn’t mind. I didn’t realize it was a big deal.” You know those backward apologies, we have heard our entire lives.
I asked this friend for some time and space to sort all this out. No explanation, since the previous conversations didn’t go well. Under the advisement of my T, support from my sweet husband, and many prayers; I sent a brief text stating I needed time and to respect my boundaries because I was going through some difficult things. This friend has been so very supportive and I just needed time. My friend also has been the kind of person who doesn’t back stab or intentionally try to hurt people; a trait I have been extremely grateful for, since it’s not what I grew up with. However, the response I received immediately after the text was just that…a stab! Then the texts to my other friends, questioning my whereabouts (as if I was lying to her), wanting to talk to them about me, and being very inappropriate with her words and texts. This was completely shocking to me! This “need to know” of information and seeking out others, not involved was hurtful, and made me angry. I guess you never really know how someone is going to respond to things, and this was contradictory of this friend’s personality.
What I’ve learned in the past week and a half is that the emotional attachment for this friend has been very strong. I’ve read a great deal of information about the personality type, which I knew quite a bit about anyway. The aggressive behavior, need to know, contacting others in my life for information, and intentionally stabbing is unsettling to me.
I don’t know why this has taken so long to blog about…I guess I’m in shock or not sure what to do with this. I have missed blogging and being connected to this community. You have all been an incredible source of encouragement in my life! Thank you!!