This week has had some great things and some really shitty things happen. The medication I started last week has kept me more focused, less dissociated and the biggest thing….SLEEP! I know it’s only been 5 days, but I am up to 5-6 hours of sleep, this is twice as much as normal. I am grateful that my doctor was willing to experiment and listen to my suggestion. No one knew how it would work; I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m celebrating the sleep that is happening right now!
Back to the title of this blog…somewhere along the way I feel as though I am not doing well with myself, in therapy that is. I haven’t been able to get myself to the place, that my parts have, with my therapist. Maybe the reality for me is too much. I wasn’t worth shit to my parents, wasn’t valuable enough to fight for, protect, or even keep from abusing. The thought of lying down, in a street, for cars to run over me, sounds like a great idea right now!
Over four years of working my ass off, in therapy, to get where….laying in the street?? It’s clear I’m doing the whole ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ thing. My catastrophic thinking is in full gear. I didn’t go to therapy Tuesday, not going tomorrow. Hmmm, I’m doing really well! SHIT!