I Think I’m Done

This week has had some great things and some really shitty things happen. The medication I started last week has kept me more focused, less dissociated and the biggest thing….SLEEP!  I know it’s only been 5 days, but I am up to 5-6 hours of sleep, this is twice as much as normal.  I am grateful that my doctor was willing to experiment and listen to my suggestion.  No one knew how it would work; I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m celebrating the sleep that is happening right now!

Back to the title of this blog…somewhere along the way I feel as though I am not doing well with myself, in therapy that is. I haven’t been able to get myself to the place, that my parts have, with my therapist.  Maybe the reality for me is too much. I wasn’t worth shit to my parents, wasn’t valuable enough to fight for, protect, or even keep from abusing. The thought of lying down, in a street, for cars to run over me, sounds like a great idea right now!

Over four years of working my ass off, in therapy, to get where….laying in the street?? It’s clear I’m doing the whole ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ thing. My catastrophic thinking is in full gear.  I didn’t go to therapy Tuesday, not going tomorrow. Hmmm, I’m doing really well! SHIT!

giphy

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6 thoughts on “I Think I’m Done

  1. I have been there….(uh, I think I’m there now actually). DID is shitty. Having a mental illness is shitty. The confusion, the exhaustion of always having to be on guard (who’s out, who’s that talking, who’s thinking what), trying to continue with life with all the symptoms of DID….and then add to that having to share my counseling time with others? You’ve got to be kidding! It has been helpful in the past to tell my counselor that I need to meet with him just as me for a while, no others allowed. Sometimes the insiders actually listen because I suspect they know too when I am on the edge. It’s so strange for me to be meeting with my counselor so much (with the others in session or me while I am still in a fog of someone being out) and still feel like I am not connecting with him. When I explained that to him last time he suggested that we take time to focus on just me for a bit. Hang in there sweetie!

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    1. Thank you! I think it’s much harder for me to meet with her, but I know it is necessary and very important. I feel so needy- “I’m a grown woman, for crying out loud!” LOL

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  2. I get the frustration, the fears and the vulnerability – it really sucks. It sucks to have to work so damn hard just to open up and talk honestly. It is hard, hard work. There is no way around that reality. Yet you keep doing it, which is quite remarkable.

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  3. Glad you’re getting some well-deserved sleep – I’ve found it’s hard to do any other kind of healing without it.

    The thought I had on the therapy situation is that maybe you need some therapy time that is not trauma focused. For me, there’s always much to discuss that is not to do with parts. If you could get some caring and nurturing from therapy, without needing to plunge into the blood and guts of trauma, that might help you feel better.

    I did notice that in your posts, your sessions seem very deep and difficult. You might need to pace, and if you could do that without needing to cancel your sessions, I’d think that would help. It helps me anyhow!

    Hope you feel better soon.

    Take care.

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    1. Thank you for this. You are right! I appreciate your insight and concern. My sessions have been very intense; I’m on this fast track process. Ha! My Friday session was for that very thing, and it didn’t happen. Been a mess since then-lots of tears!! Hate it! Thanks again.

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