Mother’s Day is often a painful time. For those of us with DID, abuse, PTSD, etc., this day can be a love/hate relationship with the survivor. I love it because I have two incredible sons; young men who I love and cherish deeply. I would fight for them, no matter what! As a survivor with dissociative identity disorder, mom issues are complicated and difficult to sort out or make sense of. These issues are multi-layered and uncomfortable.
For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the father, sadistic family members, babysitters, or other predators. Whatever the reason, these mother’s were not there for their child; maybe they were the ones doing the abusing. So whatever the case my be, the issues around our mom’s create so many mixed feelings as this day approaches.
My story, with my mom, is she was too blind or too lost in her own denial or self, to be willing and/or able to protect me from abuse. At that point she became irresponsible for her role in not protecting me. She was in our home, and could have been instrumental in helping to protect me. However, out of her own fear or denial, she refused to look, to protect, or help. Maybe she let her own fear overcome her and her willingness to save me. Or maybe, she just simply didn’t care, or thought I deserved it somehow. It wouldn’t surprise me if she acted as an accomplice….fear or not!
So every Mother’s Day, it is difficult for me (and I’m sure you other’s as well) who grew up with a mom like that. It hurts. No matter how much it hurts, at times I just want my mom. It’s confusing. The things I desired from her was never given to me, and it’s like a knife through my already broken heart. The anguish of wanting my mom to do something, anything to save me from this horrendous, scary environment, leaves a void deep within me. It is almost sickening to believe she would choose herself over her child’s safety and well-being.
The aftermath of such events in a child’s life do not heal quickly or easily. This gut-wrenching pain is felt for years, because it is wrong! It is shameful, disgraceful, and pathetic….this is NOT what a mother does-EVER!
I didn’t have a role model that I could follow as a mom, but I was NOT going to make the same mistakes with my own boys! I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, trust me, but none like what I have described above. God, is His goodness, grace and mercy, helped me to do what I never learned to do from watching my mom. He could only have given me the strength to love unconditionally, support, care, fight for, protect, and provide a safe place for my children. I am truly, eternally grateful for His grace and kindness.
Although it is going to be a day with joy and sadness; I know that God has given me women in my life to look up to, to seek when I need help. These women are mentors, godly women who remind me that God provides EVERYTHING I could possible need. Women who I can call without hearing criticism or judgment. Women who are safe, who will laugh or cry with me. I feel blessed to have these women in place of the one person who could never do any of those things. Thank you God!